Saviour

by Andie M. Long

  ‘Fucked-up-ness, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Okay.’

  He stands at the doorway.

  ‘I enjoyed today,’ I hold out his coat. ‘Thank you for allowing me the use of this.’

  ‘You’re welcome, Madam. It’s excellent to see you looking, well, fresher. That’s how I’d term it. Fresher.’

  ‘I certainly feel it now, after being out there. Well, will you ask Kara for me if she’ll come? Maybe… say Friday at six?’

  ‘I will. Do you think while you’re out on one of these shopping trips you can buy a new mobile phone? It will make communicating a lot easier.’

  Suddenly the thought of shopping appeals, whereas when Bella suggested it, I couldn’t think of anything worse than crowds full of strange people. ‘Good idea. Then you can text me.’

  ‘On second thoughts, if you’re going to go stalker-’

  I lean over and kiss him quickly on the cheek, interrupting his teasing. ‘Thanks again.’

  I return to the ward with a smile on my face. I spend the rest of the evening replaying our meet up over and over in my mind. So he’s had his share of problems too. I wonder what they could be? Some connection to his tattoos? I only had a quick glimpse of them in the club so none of them registered with me. I was too busy trying to get my rocks off. Thinking back to that carefree girl in the club seems like another girl in another place and time. I’m not that person anymore. I wonder just who I am now. My stomach flutters thinking of seeing Kara on Friday. I’m so nervous about how she might be around me. Will she be too scared to come near me? Will she accept my apology?

  My thoughts are interrupted by loud bleeps that indicate a cardiac arrest and lots of shouting follows. I lift my head from under the covers to see the curtains pulled around the bed next to me. The woman is a drug user. She has used so much they can’t take her blood as every vein is fucked. They manage to bring her around. Her friend had brought her a dodgy product. Now they have to find out where the friend is before they take it themselves. This is happening at the side of my bed. It’s like being in an episode of Casualty. I find I can’t sleep after this. I toss and turn. A nurse comes over and whispers my name.

  I turn around, my forehead creasing.

  ‘Sorry, Eden. I forgot to give this to you earlier. A visitor left it. She said she’s sorry she didn’t think of it before and she’ll see you Friday.’

  She hands me a black refuse sack. Inside is my pillow from home.

  I thank the nurse and when she’s gone I cry happy tears into my pillow. It smells of home, and Kara is coming to see me. I finally find peace and sleep.

  Two days later and I’ve successfully travelled on a bus with my named nurse and enjoyed a coffee and a bun in a cafe. It’s hard to believe that you take all this stuff for granted each day. I use the techniques Marnie has taught me. Admittedly I don’t like strangers looking at me, but of course they will, I’m looking at them! My medication will also be helping. I’m starting to feel more like someone who had something awful happen to them as opposed to a traumatised person who can’t move. I’m thankful for my admission and the hard work of all the staff. Aware I wouldn’t be where I am now without them. A discharge plan has been written up for me. I’ve told them I’ll be able to confirm my discharge address after Friday. Of course, that’s dependent on the outcome of Kara’s visit, but I’m hoping for the best.

  On Friday, I’m a nervous wreck. Marnie urges me to invite Kara to a session but I refuse. I want to see her in a normal setting, well, as normal as it gets in a psychiatric unit. I think the day room is better than in a counselling session. She was placated when I said that if our meeting threw up any issues, I’d book a session with Marnie for me and Kara to explore them. She was pleased that Xavier would be there.

  I’m staring out of the window at five to six when I hear a familiar voice say, ‘It's about fucking time.’

  I turn around and, I don’t know what I expected, but it’s just my Kara, my friend, looking her usual self.

  ‘Can I get a hug?’

  I run and fling my arms around her, holding her close and sobbing.

  ‘Looks like everything’s okay here then.’ I peer over Kara’s shoulder and find Marnie.

  ‘Don’t glare at me like that. I had stuff to finish up. Thought I’d pop by to wish you a great weekend.’

  ‘Of course you did.’ I sniff.

  ‘It’s nice to meet you again, Kara. Take it steady with this one. She’s doing great, but it’s a slow process.’

  Kara turns and shakes Marnie’s hand. Marnie tells her that she’ll meet with us if Kara feels she needs it.

  ‘I’m sure we’ll be fine, but thank you.’

  ‘Okay then. I’m out of here. See you Monday, Eden.’

  ‘Yeah, thanks, Marnie.’

  ‘She seems nice. I didn’t really get to talk to her much before you were admitted.’

  ‘She’s great.’

  ‘Ah, you already met up. Sorry I’m late,’ Xavier watches us both closely. ‘Are we going to move to the day room, only this is too forward, me seeing Eden’s bedroom. We haven’t been on a first date yet.’

  Kara holds me at arm’s length. ‘You look so different with short hair. It really suits you.’

  ‘It’s very different after having it past my shoulders for so long. I might grow it into a bob or something. I’ve not decided yet.’

  ‘So, Xavier says you might be discharged soon?’

  ‘Yeah, erm, well, I have to give them an address, so is my room still available?’

  ‘Course it is, you nutter. Oops sorry,’ Kara looks around. ‘Trust me.’

  ‘Kara. I attacked you and hurt you. I am so, so sorry. I’ve done all I can to learn strategies so it doesn’t happen again but I can’t promise.’

  ‘Look, Eden. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I think we can all agree that letting you come home was a mistake. You clearly needed the care you got here. You come home, and if I notice you having difficulties or sliding back down I’ll be on to your therapist so fast you’ll think I’m The Flash. I also won’t crowd you. Time has shown me I shouldn’t have come so close, knowing you’d been through such trauma.’

  ‘I want to tell you what happened.’

  ‘I don’t need to know, Eden. Tell me what you want when you want, and if that’s never, it's fine with me.’

  ‘No. I’ve been processing it in therapy. I’d like you and Xavier to hear what happened.’

  So I tell them. I take a long time but I tell them what happened in the villa. Kara breaks down in tears and I note Xavier’s eyes are also glassy.

  ‘I’m sorry. Now visiting time is up and you have to go home when I’ve made you miserable.’

  ‘No. Don’t go blaming yourself like that. Do you know how brave you are, lady? You’re my best friend. There’s no wonder you struck out. I’m glad he’s in custody, the bastard. I hope he rots in jail. Her too, fucking bitch.’

  ‘Yeah, except she’s playing the Stockholm card so I don’t know what will happen with her.’

  ‘Can I hug you again, brave lady?’

  ‘Of course.’ I’m sorry that she feels she has to ask, but know this is how it has to be because there will be times I won’t feel like having another person’s hands on me.

  Kara clutches on so tight I can barely breathe. ‘I’m so pleased I’ve seen you. I’ve been worried out of my mind. You look really well, you know, compared with…’ She looks uncomfortable.

  ‘I know. I was in a dark place.’

  ‘And now I know why. It will take time but you’re alive. I honestly thought they’d find you dead.’

  ‘Yeah, well at one point I wished for it.’

  ‘But he’s gone now. Now it's time to come home.’

  ‘Marnie says I have to set a goal. Something I want to accomplish. It will help me feel life is worthwhile and make me feel successful.’

  ‘That sounds like a good idea,’ says Xavier. ‘Did you think of anything
?’

  ‘No, not yet. For now, I just want to get home. Get back to living my life.’

  ‘That seems like a goal to me,’ he says, ‘or the start of one at least.’

  I feel guilty when they leave now that I’ve burdened them with what happened. I’m aware they’ll have further questions. At least they can go away and process what I told them tonight.

  In my previous life, on a Friday night, I’d be getting my clothes ready to hit up a club. Instead, I accept a cup of tea from the woman making the rounds and change into my pyjamas. The shared TV is showing a re-run of some American comedy show. I lie back on my bed, enjoy my drink and watch.

  It’s agreed that I should be allowed a period of day leave, followed by overnight leave, before discharge. It’s a good idea to make sure I’m okay in the outside world before my hospital bed is given to someone else. Marnie accompanies me to the flat, to make sure I’m okay to be left there.

  Kara greets us at the door. ‘Welcome home.’

  Thankfully the flat looks normal. She hasn’t trimmed up as if I’m back from a military tour. It will only be the fact they don’t do bunting with welcome back from the psychiatric unit on them that has saved me. As I push open my bedroom door, there’s a heart-shaped helium balloon in it.

  ‘Kara.’

  ‘Hey. Don’t blame me. That’s from Xavier. He says it’s a boyfriend thing to do.’

  I smile and go to touch my balloon. How come now it's from him I love it?

  ‘Come on goo-goo eyes, I’ve put the kettle on.’

  Marnie stays for a drink. ‘It's good to see you relaxed in your home environment, Eden. You’ve come a long way from when I took you from here to the hospital.’

  I recall being the frightened girl in the corner. It’s like it happened to someone else. Now when I think of Jack and Sienna I’m angry. Marnie taught me how to deal with that anger though so my bedroom furniture should be safe.

  ‘Just remember that you will still have flashbacks and they will probably come out of nowhere. You can’t anticipate what will trigger one. All you can do is try to put in place what I’ve taught you. If you struggle, at all, you ring me, okay?’

  ‘Yes. I promise.’

  ‘Right, I shall leave you to it.’

  We say goodbye to Marnie who says she’ll be back at four. Kara turns to me. ‘So what do you want to do?’

  ‘Can we watch a DVD and stuff our faces with popcorn?’

  ‘Ryan Reynolds afternoon?’

  ‘Hell, yeah.’

  The time goes by so quickly, before I know it Marnie is back. We agree that the day after tomorrow I will come over in the afternoon and stay overnight.

  My next visit is also successful. The afternoon is spent catching up on gossip with Kara and then I go to my room for a period to read, leaving my door wide open. We send for an Indian takeaway and I sleep a sound night’s sleep. After breakfast, Marnie comes and picks me up. We return to the hospital for a therapy session and I recount my home stay.

  ‘Well. I do believe it’s time for me to chat with your doctor and nursing team and ask about that discharge. If that’s okay with you?’

  ‘That’s wonderful with me.’

  ‘We’ll get a care plan sorted. You’ll need to come and visit the psychiatric outpatients so your medications can be reviewed and I’d like you to carry on your sessions with me. I also have clinics in the outpatient's block, which is the small square building to the left-hand side of this one.’

  ‘Yeah, I passed it when I went for a walk.’

  ‘Well, you’ll come and visit me there, rather than here. Think of it as a step nearer to your freedom.’

  ‘Thanks for everything, Marnie.’

  ‘You’re the one who’s done all the work. Also, we’re not finished yet. What happened to you will always be there somewhere. It’s about learning to deal with it when it arises.’

  ‘Well, you helped a lot, so again, thank you.’

  ‘You’ve been one of the lesser pains in my ass, so thank you too.’

  ‘You can’t speak about your patients like that.’ I make a mock-shocked face.

  ‘Like what? I said nothing.’ She winks.

  On Monday the eighth of December, six weeks after my admission to hospital, I return home. Kara points to an envelope on the table. I pick up the weighted card and open it. Inside is an invitation.

  You are invited to: Our first date.

  Date: Sat 13th December 2014

  Time: 8pm

  Dress: Smart casual

  You will be collected from your door.

  Xavier.

  I smile.

  Kara makes puke faces. ‘God, is this what I’ve got to put up with? Lovesick mooning around?’

  ‘Get the kettle on and shut up. I need to get unpacked.’

  The doorbell rings. Kara goes to answer it and I hear mumbling. I leave my room to check who it is.

  ‘DC Logan.’ My heart thumps. ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Miss Stark. I didn’t realise you were back from the hospital. Are you okay?’ His face flushes.

  ‘Getting there. Do you have news on the case?’

  ‘Just that we found a lock up. Your belongings are in it. Clothes, books and most of your personal possessions. We need to retain everything for the moment to process as evidence, but we have it safe.’

  ‘That’s great. You could have called me, you know.’

  ‘Yes, well, I’d rather deliver such good news in person.’

  ‘Thank you. Er, would you have time for a drink? Kara was just putting the kettle on.’

  ‘If it’s not too much trouble.’

  ‘It's no trouble at all, is it, Kara?’

  ‘Hmm, what?’

  I turn to glance at Kara. She’s staring at DC Logan like he’s the horseradish on her beef sandwich, hot and tasty.

  I look back at DC Logan who’s looking at Kara like she’s the whipped cream on top of his hot chocolate, and he’s desperate to dive in. Then I realise that if he didn’t know today was my discharge from hospital, he made a special trip to deliver my news to Kara. Hmmm.

  ‘I’ll do the drinks, shall I?’ I say to Kara’s blank face. ‘God, is this what I’ve got to put up with, mooning around?’

  DC Logan blushes worse and says he doesn’t have time for a drink after all. He beats a hasty retreat.

  ‘You two?’ I question Kara.

  ‘Hopefully. I’m waiting for him to ask me out,’ she says. ‘I keep dreaming of him and handcuffs.’

  For once I don’t think of imprisonment. Instead, I laugh and finish making the drinks.

  Part Four

  SAVIOUR

  A person who rescues another person or a thing from danger or harm.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Eden

  Kara almost bounces into my room. ‘We so need to go shopping for your date.’

  I laugh. ‘Kara, I’ve got clothes now. I just need to sort through and wash them.’

  She shakes her head. ‘Nope. You’re having something new. My treat.’

  ‘This is one of those conversations I have no hope of winning, isn’t it?’

  ‘You learn fast, girl.’

  I smirk. ‘When do I have to endure this?’

  ‘Tomorrow. Plus, piss off, you love shopping.’ She stops. ‘Well you-’

  I hold up a hand. ‘Still love shopping. Trying to live life as close to normal as it ever was.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Don’t apologise. It will take some getting used to. Me being at home again. I shall look forward to finding a perfect first-date outfit with you. But I insist we have coffee and cake halfway, my treat.’

  ‘Deal.’

  I lean over to my bedside table. ‘So for now, I’m going to grab this book and conserve energy.’

  ‘While you’re reading I’ll put the decorations up.’

  ‘I’m surprised you hadn’t already. There’s never been a year where you haven’t had the decorations up
by the first of December-at the latest.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I wanted to wait until it felt a bit more like Christmas and ta-dah,’ she opens the curtains wider.

  I stare out of the window at the flakes of snow dancing past.

  Yesterday as I visualised going shopping, we meandered the streets, staring in shop windows, being inspired and laughing. The reality is two soggy women in wet trousers and boots trying not to slip on the remaining patches of slushy snow. The rain falls heavily, working on erasing the last of the slush, but we’re deluged. We decide to head into Costa to grab a hot drink but first we head into their loos and stick as much of ourselves as we can in front of the air dryers.

  ‘They’ve forecast more snow for the weekend, so I might not even get on my date.’

  ‘Well, you’ve waited this long. If it gets postponed, it’d just mean waiting a little longer.’

  ‘I don’t want to wait,’ I shout over the air dryer, ‘I’m excited. I’m looking forward to getting dressed up and going out for a good meal with a sexy guy who knows I’m a nut job.’

  Kara fluffs her hair in front of the mirror. ‘Come on, we’ll do. I need a hot drink to thaw out my fingers.’

  Drinks purchased, we sit in brown leather tub chairs, our drinks in front on a brown chipped table.

  Kara blows on the top of her drink. ‘So, Saturday morning shall we have a pamper day and get you ready for your date? I could paint your nails and help you style your hair.’

  I point to my head, ‘Style this? A bit of paste and it’s done.’

  ‘Yeah. I’ve noticed. There’s no hogging of the hairdryer anymore. I might grow mine into a bob.’

  ‘No way. You did that two years ago and regretted it the minute you’d done it. Remember what you called yourself, dark and wavy bob girl?’

  ‘Professor Snape.’

  Kara mimics Snape saying Harry Potter. We burst into noisy giggles that have the other customers turning to us.

  ‘Yep, so no bob unless it’s the name of a hot guy. Speaking of which. Have you heard from DC Logan?’

  ‘No.’ She sighs. ‘There’s really no reason for him to get in touch with me now, so that’s kind of done with.’