‘You’re a very strong woman you know. I can see why Xavier thinks so much about you.’
‘Xavier lets me be myself. He knows what’s happened to me. I know what’s happened to him. There’s no judgement. We accept the other for who we are.’
‘It sounds a lot like love.’
My eyes widen. ‘I think it’s a little too early for that. We need time together. Time to date properly, like we did when we went out on Saturday. That’s what I need, anyway, to go through the motions of having a relationship. My last boyfriend was a cheating idiot. Before that I only had the odd date, mainly I just hooked up with people.’
‘If you’re trying to shock me with stories of sleeping around, you won’t. I’ve had a fair few lovers of my own. I don’t care how many people you’ve slept with. It’s not my business. All I want is what I saw with my own eyes earlier. When you and Xavier looked at each other, I saw attraction. When you both carried on with the interview as if you’d never met before, I saw respect.’
‘I slept around because I was seeking happiness. I got it through sex, albeit brief. I’m learning how to find happiness a different way, through living life.’
Jane uncrosses her legs. ‘I realise we just met, but if you ever want to talk, to ask me anything about Xavier, I’m here. He told me you have little family.’
‘No. I don’t. Thank you.’
She pushes her chair back. ‘I’d better get back to work. It was nice to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you more as a colleague and hopefully as a friend.’
‘Me too.’
‘I wondered if maybe you and your friend, Kara is it?’
‘Yes?’
‘I thought you might like to join me and Xavier for a traditional Christmas dinner? It’d be nice it being more than just the two of us. I ran it past Xavier. He said I had to ask you myself.’
‘I’ll run it past Kara, but that sounds really nice. We do little at Christmas usually, other than stay out until all hours Christmas Eve and then spend half of Christmas Day in bed. I can’t think of anything worse now than being so drunk I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve changed so much.’
‘None of us stand still. We’re permanently in motion.’
I nod. ‘True. Okay, I’ll see you Monday morning.’
‘It’ll be a good week to start. Three days to work and then four off.’
‘Yes and a shorter week the week after too. It’ll help me get used to getting up early.’
‘I think you’ll like it. Maybe once you have the bug we can get you onto selling houses?’
I touch my forehead. ‘Oh before I leave, there’s something I need to do. I’ve got so caught up with the interview and chatting I almost forgot. I need to search for rentals, available from mid-January.’
‘That’s a bit short notice.’
‘I’ve never been any good at organising myself. That’s something else this job can teach me.’
‘I’ll have a chat with Xavier about the rentals.’
‘Okay but let me talk to him first? I haven’t told him that I’m looking for a place yet.’
‘Fine. I’ll have a look at the books and I’ll chat with him tomorrow.’
‘That’s great, thank you.’
I leave and go to the bus stop. I spend the journey home feeling excited about new beginnings.
That evening I telephone Xavier.
‘Hi there.’
‘Why, hello there, new receptionist. Sorry we didn’t get to spend much time together today. Like I said, I’m not in the office much.’
‘That’s fine. Listen, I need to tell you something.’
‘Oh-kay.’
‘I’m not coming to live with you.’
There’s a pause.
‘Xavier?’
‘That’s fine, but what are you going to do instead?’
‘I had an idea. What if I got an apartment near yours? Kind of a few minutes down the road maybe? Then I have the reassurance you’re nearby. We can spend plenty of time together, but, I get my own space too. Time for myself. I need to get my confidence back and I think, no, I know, this is how I want to do it.’
‘Sounds good to me. Do you want me to look for a place for you?’
‘Would you?’
‘Of course.’
We chat for another hour and arrange to go to the cinema the following Saturday.
‘No chick flick.’ He insists.
‘No war movie.’ I counter.
We both say deal, wish each other good night and hang up.
I go to bed happy. It really is a good night.
Xavier calls me the following afternoon.
‘You know when you said you wanted an apartment near to mine?’
‘Yeah.’
‘How about next door?’
‘Are you joking?’
‘No. I bumped into my neighbour last night in the local Chinese. He asked me to put his apartment up for sale.’
‘But I don’t want to buy.’
‘I’m going to take it on as an investment. You’ll rent from me.’
‘I want to pay the proper going rate.’
‘We’ll talk about that. I’m buying the apartment anyway as it’s a great investment. Is it too near? If it is, I’ll look for somewhere else for you.’
I think about it for approximately three seconds. ‘Let’s go for it. It’ll be fun. You’ll be there for me to borrow sugar from and I won’t have far to go if I want to stomp off in a temper tantrum.’
‘Oh my God, what am I letting myself in for?’
I laugh. ‘Too late. Verbal contract has occurred.’
‘Okay. Right, I’m back to work. I’ll call you later about tomorrow.’
‘Are you sure you’re okay to drive me to the prison? You’ll be waiting in the car for a while.’
‘We’ve been through this. I’ll call you later.’
He does. He calls and reassures me that I’m not making another mistake. This time by attempting to build a relationship with my brother.
Chapter Thirty-three
Eden
Xavier picks me up from my apartment and drives me to the prison where my brother resides. I talk little on the way there and he lets me be. I have no idea what I will say to Drew. We get thirty minutes. It could pass in a flash or be excruciatingly painful. One thing I know is that it’s probably the most time in one sitting we’ll have sat together alone. Other than meal times or outings when we were forced by our parents to be together, we spent no time playing or listening to music in each other’s company. I don’t know what other brothers and sisters do. Maybe it was normal, but we didn’t get along, were largely hostile to one other and avoided contact if at all possible.
Xavier knows I’ll be awhile and has brought some work to do while he waits in the car. I thank him for driving, exit the car and walk through to the prison visitor centre. A woman checks my visitor order. I was told to arrive thirty minutes to an hour before my actual visit time as there are many procedures to go through before I can see my brother. I place my belongings in a locker and use the female bathroom. If I wait until I’m seeing Drew I have to be searched before and after a pee by staff. Much better idea to go now.
As it's my first visit to the prison they take photographs of me and I have my fingerprints taken. Then I’m searched by a female warden before I’m directed to the visits hall. I feel like a criminal myself. They inform me that I can only give Drew minimal physical contact, like a kiss on the cheek. They needn’t worry. I’ll be sitting in the seat opposite him, that’s near enough for me.
Then that’s it. It’s time for me to see my brother for the first time in years.
I peruse the seating area, searching for my brother. All eyes are on the visitors as we walk through. You can see the pure joy on some of the men’s faces. My eyes meet Drew’s. His gaze is apprehensive and mirrors my own. I study him. His hair is shaved with dark stubble showing. His face lined and drawn. Drew looks years older than the la
st time I saw him, a man as opposed to a youth. I move in his direction. He stands, uncertain of how to greet his younger sister.
‘Drew.’ I acknowledge him and take a seat opposite.
He kind of rocks in place as if he wants to say something, but stops himself and sits in his own seat.
‘Eden.’
I raise an eyebrow. Drew always called me Eddie as he knew I hated it.
‘We only have thirty minutes. Why did you want to see me?’ I ask tersely.
‘Straight to the point as always. I know this is different, me showing you I give a shit, but I wanted to see you after they told me what happened. Are you okay?’
‘If you’re looking for dibs on my compensation money I’ve no idea if I’ll get any. It’s complicated because of some of it occurring overseas.’
He looks at the floor, then back at me.
‘I deserve that. I understand why you’d think that was why I asked you to come, but it isn’t, I swear. When that copper told me you were missing and could be dead, it got to me, Eden. I realised that could have been the last I saw of you. When I found out you were alive, I wanted to explain. You never have to come back and you don’t have to have anything else to do with me again, but just let me talk, please.’
I sigh. ‘I’m listening.’
‘I know our foster parents didn’t give a shit but I know they preferred the clever daughter to the thick, troubled son. They tolerated me, but they liked to brag about your achievements, tell everyone you’d be going to University. I didn’t believe I could achieve anything with my own life. I couldn’t get on with school work. Hated it with a vengeance. I tried to take an easier route, make money through schemes. Turned out good for me, eh?’
I maintain eye contact but I don’t react.
‘I don’t think we were ever destined to be best buddies but I know you were a caring person. Eden, I know you wanted love. You could see it every time you brought home a good result or an award. You wanted the folks to credit you for it, but they never did. They told others but they never said well done to you. When I heard you slept around, I hated it. You deserved better than some of those dickheads you screwed. I worried you’d descend to my level, and you were capable of more. So, I gave you shit, called you thick, said you wouldn’t make it as anything. The more I pushed the more you reacted, got better results to prove me wrong. It was negative attention you got from me but it was attention and you responded to it. Every time you got a good result I’d sneer and act like I was jealous. It worked like a charm. You reacted exactly as I wanted you to. When you left for University, I hoped you were going onto the bigger and better things you deserved. Yet you’d write to me occasionally. You never cut the tie. It pissed me off. I wanted you away from me. I couldn’t understand why you kept in touch.’
‘Because you were the only family I had, Drew.’
‘I get that now. I want to tell you something. No-one else knows. Not Bridget. I know I need to tell her this but I’ve wimped out and after I’ve seen what she was capable of with you-’
‘Time’s getting on Drew.’
‘I have a son. He’s two years old. He’s beautiful. His name is Thomas. I call him Tommy. We call him Tommy. When I get out, me and his mother, we’re going to try and make a go of things. I screwed up and missed the first part of his life. I’ve been a selfish twat. Being in here has made me think. I know my son deserves better. So, I’ve been doing some courses and there’s a scheme in here to get ex-offenders into work. I’m going to get clean and do it, for him.’
My eyes narrow. ‘You have to want to do these things for yourself, Drew.’
‘I know. But he’s at the heart of it. We’re going to try for another and I hope to God we get a girl, a sister that I can teach him to honour, protect and love.’
I roll my eyes. ‘Oh Drew, you can’t correct our past through your future life. You were a shit to me all the time. Don’t put pressure on your son about siblings that aren’t even born yet. How about you get on your feet and look after the one kid you’ve got?’
He looks tearful.
‘I’m sorry, Drew. Life isn’t that simple. You want a do-over? We can’t go back.’ I exhale, blowing out my lips. ‘Look, how about we have these visits once a month until you're released? Try to get on speaking terms at least.’
‘I’d like that.’
‘Can you take some advice from a younger sister? Can you do the one thing you never did when we lived together and listen to me for once?’
His lip curls in a part smile. ‘I’ll try.’
‘Be the best dad you can by being there for your kid. Present. Not just in person but by listening. You want to learn from us? Celebrate their achievements with them. If they head off on a wrong path, try to get them on the right one. Let them express themselves. Don’t force them to be something they’re not.’
‘I will really try you know.’
‘Good.’
I look at the clock. ‘My times almost up, Drew. It was good to see you.’
‘I’m sorry. About what Bridget did. She always had a thing for me. Don’t know why. I was always a shit to her too. Couldn’t believe she kept visiting me in the nick, to be honest. She’s another victim of her family though. No wonder she knocked around with us.’
‘Drew.’ I wave my hand in front of his face, ‘Drew.’
‘Sorry, what?’
‘Bridget. She denied everything to the police. So far she’s got away with what she’s done. She hates us.’
‘I know I pissed her around and you tried to get her to leave me alone, but why does she hate you so much? I thought you were friends?’
‘Probably because I slept with her when I was drunk and then pretended it never happened. She obviously got fed up of being ill-treated by us both.’
Drew draws back on his chair in shock. The guards step forward.
‘What?’
‘I screwed around. You know that. A couple of times I got drunk when I was with Bridget. She made a pass at me and I thought what the hell. She bugged me though, wanted more. I told her I didn’t swing that way. It was more about needing the satisfaction and there being no bloke available.’
‘Shit, Eden.’
‘You’re not the only one who’s screwed up. I might have qualifications but they haven’t done me a fat lot of good so far. I guess it's how you act in life and who you hang with that has more effect on its outcome. Right now, I’m with a nice guy. I’m hoping I’ve made a better choice.’
Visiting time is up. I stand up from my chair and shake out my legs.
‘Eden. I’m glad you came.’
I suck on my top lip, then release. ‘Me too. I’ll visit next month yeah?’
He nods and leans over. I let him give me a peck on the cheek. It’s weirder than the conversation that preceded it.
‘Merry Christmas, Eden.’
‘Same to you. Maybe it can be a better New Year? Two thousand and fifteen. Let's aim for an improvement on imprisonment.’
I get up and walk out of the room.
Xavier gets out of the car and walks towards me, arms outstretched. I walk into them and burst into tears.
‘Was it bad?’
I attempt to talk through sniffles. ‘No. It was actually okay. I seem to have a brother beneath all his shit.’
‘That’s good.’
‘And oh my God.’ I jerk back out of Xavier’s arms. ‘I have a nephew. Xavier, I’m an auntie.’
I spend the drive back telling Xavier about my visit. Not surprisingly when I get home, my head is pounding. We change the date night to the following evening and I spend a quiet night at home on my own instead, taking two paracetamols. I dig out the couple of photographs I have of us as kids. The only ones where we are side by side are a couple of school photos we were forced to be in. My foster parents bought them to be seen to do the right thing and then each year as the new picture came, they’d throw the old one in the bin. I rescued them. After thinking back through a ton of me
mories, trying to see things from the perspective of a brother trying to drive me away, I have an early night. As the stress of the day takes its toll I fall asleep thinking of the possibilities of having a nephew in my life. I know there’s a chance Drew will screw this up, but I hope he doesn’t. It’ll be nice to extend the family, even if we remain fragmented.
The best present I get comes on Christmas Eve. I open a red envelope and pull out a card that says, ‘Merry Christmas, Auntie.’ Inside are three photos of Tommy. Written on the card are the words We hope to meet you soon. Love Angela and Tommy xxx There’s a scribble in it and I rub my finger over the scrawl.
Brand new words on a page.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Kara
I relax on the sofa after consuming what feels like more than my own body weight in Christmas dinner. What we weren’t expecting was that Paulina would be present. She’d helped Jane in the kitchen as well as bringing a ton of stuff in Tupperware boxes, so, all in all, it was quite the banquet.
I’m happy to sit here and distract myself with Christmas Day television because the alternative is to look at Eden and Xavier, the love-struck puppies. Me and Jane keep looking at each other and rolling our eyes. I’ll be glad to get to Lanzarote for my Tour Rep stint. I’m going to vomit being with these two much longer and not because I’ve overeaten.
In truth, I’m happy for Eden and I hope it works out. I think their apartment-next-door situation is great. My girl needs some time to herself and to take a relationship at the pace she feels ready with. We’ve chatted a lot about things over the past few weeks and she’s being sensible. I’ll miss her, but she’s only a Skype or email away and I need to live my own life.
‘Does anyone want a mince pie?’ asks Jane.
We all groan and clutch our stomachs.
‘Oh my God, we can’t eat anything else,’ protests Xavier.
‘I’ll put them on this coffee table.’
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