It's Not Over

by A. L. Zaun

  I looked away, understanding the full brunt of my ultimatum. A lump took up residence in my throat, and tears threatened to seep out of my eyes. Stay with me.

  “Do you really think I have a choice?” His voice softened. “Look at me, Maddy.”

  I turned reluctantly, my emotions getting the best of me. Where is Nelson? “There’s the door.” I pointed and blinked rapidly. “Don’t let it hit your ass.”

  He tilted up my chin. “Are you crying?” he asked, gently caressing my face.

  “I’ve given you your out,” I deadpanned, fixing my eyes directly on his.

  “First of all, those doors wouldn’t hit me in the ass because they’re automatic.” His lip gently curled.

  “You’re an asshole.” I shook my head softly and pushed his shoulder.

  “That’s Mr. Asshole Extraordinaire to you,” he said.

  “Fuck you, Rick.” I rolled my eyes.

  “I think you’ve gone from wanting me to fuck you to needing me to majorly fuck you.”

  I cocked my head to the side. “Are you done? Nelson is pulling up now.”

  “Second of all, there’s no way in fucking hell I’m leaving New York without you. I’m not leaving you behind. I sure as hell am not taking off while that motherfucker is swimming circles around you like a hungry shark.”

  He tapped my nose just as my grandfather had earlier. It had always been one of my grandfather’s little affections, a slight tap on the nose and a quick wink.

  His eyes were gentle and his lip curled ever so slightly. “Maddy, I have no words to express how angry I am at you. You, my corazón de melón, have majorly fucked up, but I can relate. So, what’s it going to be? Are we walking back inside through those doors right now or getting into the warm car together?”

  I glanced off to the side. “Melon heart? Really? What the fuck is that, Rick?” I tried to downplay the sentiment in the words he’d said.

  “Corazón fits you, and yeah, you’re a melon head. With everything I said, I can’t fucking believe that’s all you got.” He brought his cold hands up and cupped my face. “Let me in, Maddy.”

  I looked down and put my hands over his. “Your hands are cold. We should get in the car and defrost.”

  “Stop shutting me out. Let me be there for you, like you’ve been for me.”

  He dipped his face toward mine, and I looked up.

  “I know you want to.” He winked. “I still think you’re a badass and can take down an army of aliens singlehandedly, but you don’t have to do it alone. You’ve got me, babe.”

  I jutted my chin and looked him square in the eyes, determined to not fall further into a romantic fantasy based solely on a newfound imagination—thanks to Daniela and her book talk.

  “Is this because of Alex? If all of this is about him, I can handle him. I’ve done it my entire life. This is nothing new.”

  “Your attitude is so fucking hot.” He brought his lips over mine, and I felt like a warm liquid slowly filling me and chasing the chill away. My eyes fluttered closed as my mouth opened.

  He pulled his lips back and combed my hair with his fingers. “I went to the airport for you. I bought the ticket to get to you. I got on that airplane because of you.”

  “Madison, Rick, we’re holding up traffic!” my grandfather shouted over to us as he entered the front seat of the black Mercedes sedan.

  Shaken from my drug-like state, I grabbed the handle to my suitcase. “I can’t leave, Rick. You don’t understand, and that’s my fault, but I need to get things straightened out. I need to take care of some business. I’ll listen to you and tell you what you need to know.”

  He took my luggage from me, and we walked toward the car.

  I nudged him, pushing him away from me. “And another thing, keep your damn hands to yourself.”

  “If you insist.” He climbed into the backseat of the car. “But,” he whispered in my ear, “I should warn you—there’s a lot I can do without the use of my hands.” He leaned his head back against the seat, smiling way too satisfied with himself.

  The car pulled out of the airport. I sat back, looking out of the window and taking in the sights of the city that had been my home, while Rick and my grandfather talked sports and current events. Rick was a charmer. I had no doubt he’d be able to sell the Brooklyn Bridge.

  I glanced over at Rick, who was looking at his phone.

  His eyes met mine, and he mouthed, it’s my mom. He tapped on the screen and placed his phone back in his pocket.

  As we approached my building, I leaned over the seat. “Nelson, can you please take Rick to pick up some things?”

  “Of course, Miss Madison.”

  I placed my hand on my grandfather’s shoulder. “Could you stay for a bit? I’d really like to talk to you about a couple of things.”

  “Have I ever denied you, darling?” He smiled.

  Turning to Rick, I quickly shot out a list. “I’ll see you later. Dinner tonight at Mark’s at seven. Jacket is required. Tomorrow, running in the morning. Brunch at Sarabeth’s and possibly a matinee.”

  Rick looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.

  “You asked what we were doing. Dress appropriately. Time is ticking, so hurry up.”

  Rick flash his smile. “That’s all taken care of. Tabitha, my personal shopper, hooked me up with Faye at Calvin Klein. She already has things lined up for me. I might as well round out my collection while I’m here. Is Nelson bringing me back here? Or was that code for dumping me on the side of the road?”

  I stifled my laugh. I didn’t want him thinking for a moment that he was wearing down my resolve. “You don’t wear insecurity well.” I stepped out of the car. Peeking over my shoulder, I shot him a look. “You’ll just have to trust me.”

  “Turn on your phone,” he said with a wink.

  Nelson left my bags with the doorman before getting back in the car and driving away. I pulled out my phone and turned it on to send Rick a text. I put my phone in my pocket as I watched the car disappear down the street and laced my arm in my grandfather’s, leaning in closely to him.

  “Can we take a walk around the block?” I asked, knowing he wouldn’t deny me.

  “This must be serious if you’ve gotten rid of your companion, and we’re taking a walk.” He wrinkled his brow.

  I still saw the handsome man with caramel eyes, thick, dark hair, and a chiseled jaw who was my pillar of strength, role model, and love of my life while I had been growing up. As a little girl, I’d dreamed of having my grandmother’s elegance and my grandfather’s brilliance.

  “Yes, it is,” I confirmed, nodding.

  As we took a slow stroll, hand in hand, along the familiar streets, the cold air was a refreshing change to the heat I’d become so accustomed to. The sounds of the city took me back to a different lifetime, and although I was now an adult, I was suddenly a young girl needing desperately her grandfather’s approval or at least acceptance. Alex had threatened to expose the consensual choices I’d made as an adult. I’d never been ashamed or regretted my liaisons. I’d fucked whom I’d wanted, when I’d wanted. I’d hurt no one. I had no attachments. I’d made no promises. I’d been safe and responsible.

  Grandfather tightened his grip and dipped his head toward me. “You can tell me anything, you know.”

  “I hope so.” I squeezed his hand and smiled at him as my chest tightened. “I’m not going to justify or rationalize my choices and decisions in life. However, I’ll admit that some of them haven’t always been the wisest.”

  “Do you have regrets?” he asked as we walked along the sidewalk lined with barren trees.

  I sighed heavily, and my heart pounded. I was about to bare my indiscretions to my grandfather, the man whom I respected more than anyone else. My greatest regret was that I was in this position. “Honestly, no, with the exception that I know neither you nor Nana would approve. And now, I’m walking around the block with you, like a schoolgirl going to her priest for confession.
”

  “Nothing you tell me will make me love you less.” He stopped and placed a tender kiss on my forehead.

  I had officially regressed to seventeen, and my heart broke. Suddenly, my past lovers paraded through my mind, most of whom had been one-night stands. I might not have had regrets, but at this moment, I wasn’t very proud of my choices. Taking a deep breath, I cleared my head of these thoughts and owned my decisions.

  “After Jonathan and then the year with Nana in Florida, I buried myself in my studies and later work. I didn’t entertain the idea of getting involved in a relationship. I didn’t want one. Other than you and Nana, I’ve never seen a functional one. What was the point? Love is an illusion, and when the light changed, it wasn’t what I thought it was.” I took a deep breath and blew it out. “Instead, I’ve engaged in mutually beneficial relations where no strings are attached.” I looked over at him to gauge his reaction. Nothing. “While I practice safe and consensual sex, I’ve been involved with a number of men.”

  He fidgeted next to me before walking up to a hot dog stand. He ordered for both of us without asking if I’d wanted one or not.

  Has he been listening?

  He handed a hot dog to me and took my hand. We crossed the busy street to a small park nestled behind the apartment buildings.

  “Should you even be eating this?” I asked as a concerned granddaughter. I’ll definitely need a double shot of wheatgrass after this.

  “Life is meant to be lived. This hot dog won’t kill either of us,” he said, finding an empty bench.

  We sat quietly for what seemed an eternity. This is awkward. I had a hot dog of all things in my hand, talking to my grandfather about my proclivity for casual, noncommittal sex.

  “Continue,” he said with downcast eyes, taking the last bite of his hot dog.

  “I’m telling you this because I don’t want you hearing it from someone else. They’ve been my choices, and I assume the responsibility. If you’re upset, disappointed, disgusted, or however you’re feeling, I want to deal with it.”

  After wiping his mouth with a napkin, he looked over at me. “I’m not any of those things. Maddy, I want the world for you. I always have.” He took my hand in his and placed it on his lap. “What brought this up? Why are you telling me now?”

  I looked around, trying to find the words. How could I explain things to him? Implicating Alex wasn’t an option. I wasn’t shielding him. I was protecting myself.

  “I don’t want you caught by surprise if it should come up,” I said flatly, staring at the pigeons as they flocked to eat the pieces of bun I’d tossed at them.

  He leaned his head toward me. “Who would tell me anything? And what would that person gain by telling me? I’m not naive, Maddy. You’re not sitting here in the cold, sharing your sex life with me, because you want to bond. Someone has threatened you, and you’re defusing the situation. So, cut the bullshit and give it to me straight.”

  I wasn’t talking to a delusional old man who looked at life through rose-colored glasses. I was talking to Mark Stuart, a self-made man. Along with Alex’s father, he’d built Mark’s and made it what it was today in a city that wasn’t forgiving or welcoming. They’d had to be tough, shrewd, and savvy. He’d played hardball and raised me with the same sharp mind.

  I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “It’s a game we’ve played for years, except that I don’t want to play it anymore. Now, he’s holding your opinion of me over my head. I won’t give anyone that kind of power even if it means that I detonate the bomb myself.”

  “You’ve changed the rules then,” he added, trying to put the pieces together to an incomplete puzzle.

  “Not really. We’ve always had an understanding. We never had strings. There seems to be more to it, but before I go there, I really need to know if you and I are okay.”

  He stood up and extended his hand to me. “My dear, darling Maddy, you underestimate me. I know more than you think I do, but I appreciate you trying to protect my feelings.” He reached over and undid my hair, letting it fall down. His kind eyes captured mine “You’re your own woman. Nana would be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished and still have yet to do. I’ll always love you for who you are even if I don’t like some of the choices you’ve made.”

  Relaxing at his words, I rested in the warmth of the arms holding me.

  “Now,” he said lightheartedly, “tell me about this Rick fellow.”

  I looked away at the mention of Rick’s name. He nudged me, and we began walking back to the apartment.

  “There’s nothing to tell. He’s just a friend,” I responded with a hint of disappointment. “I would, however, like to discuss my other pressing matter,” I added, trying to redirect the conversation. I needed to talk to him about Donovan’s, and Rick was a subject I wasn’t ready to discuss.

  “Business or pleasure?” he asked with a raised brow.

  “Business.”

  “Another time,” he prodded me. “I want to hear about your friend. I like him.”

  “This is very important. Rick can wait,” I insisted, focused on the matter at hand.

  He chuckled softly. “Are you going to talk to me about the project that kept you away during the holidays? Or are we going to discuss business?” He tightened his grip on my arm. “I somehow think that if you told me about your project, I might learn a little bit more about Rick.”

  I felt a slight blush warm my cheeks as I bit my lip to keep it from curling into a smile. He could read me like a book. I didn’t want to think about that day or all the days that Rick and I had spent together. I shook my head gently and poked him affectionately.

  “You’re a stubborn old horse. Let’s give Rick a rest. I’m sure he’d be thrilled to know we were discussing his favorite subject—him. Seriously though, this really can’t wait.”

  “Business can always wait, Maddy. By the way, I was a little surprised you let him call you Maddy.”

  I pulled away slightly and rolled my eyes.

  Before I could say something, he continued, “There’s more to life than work. Your grandmother and I missed the mark on that with your mother, but hopefully, we did better with you. Conversely, your mother is all about pleasure while you’re the opposite. I want you to enjoy your life. I want you to embrace love and those moments that take your breath away.”

  “You know, if I didn’t love you so much, I’d say you sound like a greeting card. Why is the legendary Mark Stuart being so touchy-feely?” I asked, resting my head on his shoulder.

  “Life is short. One minute, you’re building your dream, and the next, life has passed you by. Learn from me. It goes by very quickly.” He paused. I glanced up to find him staring off into the sky. “Humor the old man, and tell me about Rick.”

  “Of course you like him. He’s charming. Everyone likes him until they get to know him. I don’t interact with dashing Rick. I interact with the asshole, but I like that he’s a straight shooter.” I shrugged. “Like I said before we’re friends.”

  “One of these friends you’ve enlightened me about?” he asked, clearing his throat.

  “No, actually, he’s not one of those.” I felt the flush of embarrassment touch my cheeks.

  His shoulders relaxed a little bit. “The two of you dance a tango around each other. I think it’s more than friendship.” He chuckled.

  “No, he hates me most of the time. In fact, he’s quite angry with me right now.” I sighed. “He frustrates me and behaves like a child. It’s all about him. He’s spoiled, arrogant, and acts as if he’s entitled to whatever he wants.”

  “So, he came here to torment you?” he asked playfully.

  “Pretty much so. He stalked me and harassed me, and all because he needs to talk to me about his next step.” I rolled my eyes. “Before you go further, he’s in love with someone else. That’s how we met. I helped him clean up his act. We became friends in the process.” I felt a lump form in my throat. “I’m his best friend. That�
��s it—nothing more.”

  He looked at me, not quite believing everything I was telling him. “He must value your opinion if he followed you all this way for advice.”

  I exhaled deeply and shook my head. I wish he’d just drop it already.

  “Either that, or he’s a parasite.” I straightened and took in the view around me. “He needs to learn how to figure things out on his own. I can’t spoon-feed him everything.”

  He tried to stifle a chuckle behind his pressed lips. “So, tell me, how does he feel about your relationship choices?”

  We rounded the corner and neared my building. I spotted Nelson pulling up to the curb and Rick made a mad dash inside.

  Perfect timing.

  “He runs interference.” I shrugged my shoulder, looking out at the passing cars. “You know, he blocks and wants me to change my ways.” I stood on my toes and pressed a soft kiss on his cheek.

  “I think I like him even more now.” He chuckled and lowered his lips to my forehead. “Nothing changes how I feel about you. I love you, Maddy.” He pulled back. His eyes were serious. “Tell me one thing—you aren’t in this relationship pattern because of something that happened ten years ago, are you?”

  I ran my hands along his scarf and fixed his lapel. “No.”

  I looked away. It was both the truth and a lie. “I think I might just be a little jaded by life. Have you met my parents?”

  He laughed.

  I patted his chest and smiled up at him. “But what happened with him is just one event more to a long list of realities. I simply prefer not to play the game where one party believes in a fantasy while the other spends months—or in some cases, years—trying to escape it. I don’t want to do all of that just to have a guaranteed lover.”

  He brought his arms around me in an embrace. “You’re too young to be so cynical.”

  “I prefer to think of myself as practical.” I laid my head against his wide chest and wrapped my arms around his back. “I love you.”

  “And I adore you.” He tightened our embrace and warmed me up. “You’re shivering. Get inside and warm up. Nelson will pick you up at six forty-five for dinner.”