It's Not Over

by A. L. Zaun

  “I love her,” I said with all the conviction in the world. “Maybe you hit the lottery with Fernando, but do you love him?”

  Her face got blotchy.

  “Does he even give a shit that you have a fucking hangover? Take care of your husband, or divorce his fucking ass. Leave Madison and me alone. I’m not saying it again. Talk shit like that again, and I’m done with you.”

  Fuck my fucking life.

  After I drove away, I rolled to a stop at the corner and tapped on my phone. The muscles in my neck were twitching. My hands were a little shaky from the adrenaline overload. I felt like shit for doing that to Estrella. I loved my sister. But I loved Madison, too. I texted Chris.

  Me: I need a drink.

  Chris: Now you’re talking.

  Chapter 34

  Madison

  I chewed on the pad of my thumb, studying the numbers on the computer monitor. No matter how many times I looked at them, they blurred into one another, and my mind went someplace else.

  Focus, Madison.

  Rick and I always fought. It was our nature. It was nothing new. We were both pigheaded and set in our ways, but what happened earlier wasn’t our usual fight. This time, it felt very different. And I hated it.

  “Please don’t give up on me,” I said to no one, hoping in some bizarre way that he’d feel it, know it.

  You give me your secrets and your pussy…what I want is your heart.

  I could have handled things differently simply by shutting down like I’d done every single time I’d faced a situation where I needed to be in control. Instead, I’d let my emotions dictate my thoughts and actions. Rick was weaseling his way into my entire system of handling things.

  Now, I was sitting in my office with an hour before I had to be at dinner. I propped my elbows on my desk and rubbed my eyes with hands. I needed to find a balance. This didn’t feel like it. I glanced over at the darkened screen on my phone. I hadn’t heard from him since he needed some space before he said something he’d regret.

  “Call me, damn it.”

  Get your head together, Madison. This is showtime, not romancing-the-Rick time.

  In just under an hour, I had to be at The Capital Grille for dinner with the architects and Alex. Clearly, it was more of a meet and greet than it was to actually go over plans.

  Theories played through my head. What’s your game, Alex? I leaned my head back, pursing my lips deep in thought. What’s your next move?

  I wasn’t naive. I understood Rick’s concerns. Alex hadn’t suddenly had a Jesus encounter and now wanted to undo all the wrongs he’d ever done. I didn’t trust Alex—I never had—but I needed him. He was using me for something, and I was just returning the favor. I had to have Donovan’s in Miami. I needed to secure myself here.

  It had been my single goal for the past nine years. Everything I’d done over the years was for this. There was a force that ran through my body. It was stronger than anything else I’d ever felt. This was my only way of staying connected. It was the only way that I could honor my family legacy and follow where my heart led me.

  I reached into my drawer, pulled out my purse, and fished for my wallet. As I held it against my chest, my eyes went to the bracelets that slid down my forearm. A small tear slipped from my eye, and I quickly wiped it away. My fingers dug through my wallet in search of my hidden treasure, and I slowly pulled it out, looking around and making sure no one saw me. How dumb can you be, Madison? You’re alone in your office.

  I cupped in my hand the only thing I had left, a small picture of us together. My heart ached the way it always had when I looked at it. With a small whimper, I ran my finger over the image. I was so young. It was so long ago. Then, I gently kissed it, reminiscing. “I’ll never forget you.”

  I laid my head on my desk with my eyes glued to the one person I’d sacrifice everything for.

  The kitchen at Mark’s had been my home away from home. I studied there and lived there, and I’d probably die there, too. I fell in love in that kitchen with a sous chef who was too old for me. But what’s age when your hearts are connected? What was the allure? The blue eyes that would steal glances in my direction while he was hunched over the counter, prepping? The crooked smile and wink that made my body hum? Maybe it was the forbidden nature. I just didn’t know at the time how forbidden it was.

  I had stayed away from Mark’s after my encounter with Theresa Kingsley, after I found out the truth. I couldn’t look at him or be near him. He’d lied to me for months while he’d made love to me. His lips had dripped with promises of a lasting love, and his body had been insatiable. But…we’d had to keep everything quiet. I’d needed to be patient. These were his lies. His hesitation hadn’t been because I was too young. There had been a small technicality. He’d already had a family.

  After the incident, Jonathan had been relentless, calling, texting, and emailing. I’d deleted them all. Most of the voice mails, I hadn’t bothered listening to. I’d known why he had been calling. He must have found the pregnancy test in the bag I’d dropped when Theresa confronted me. Well, he can go to hell.

  “Maddy,” my grandmother said as she poked her head in my bedroom, “what happened in the kitchen? You haven’t been there in a couple of weeks.”

  Of course, she would notice. She knew it would require something huge to keep me away.

  “Nothing,” I murmured, keeping my eyes glued to my books I wasn’t really reading.

  I had to tell her the truth. I knew she’d understand, but the timing was bad. She was putting on a brave face, but I had overheard my grandfather talking earlier this week. Her cancer was back.

  “Madison Stuart Donovan,” she chided. “Never, ever step down from your position. If someone has to leave that kitchen, it’s not you.”

  Rose Stuart, my grandmother, was insightful and wise. She sat down next to me and closed my book. “What aren’t you telling me?” Everything about her was warm and inviting.

  “What aren’t you telling me?” I responded, arching my eyebrow.

  “Touché.” She smiled, her eyes crinkling in the corners. She pulled me up and brought her loving arms around me. “Go back to the kitchen. I need to know that you…” Her voice broke, and she paused for a moment.

  I wiped the tears forming in my eyes. I didn’t want to have this talk.

  “No matter what, you’ll rise up and not let anyone ever take away what’s yours.”

  She had always been a pillar of strength, class, and determination, but in that very moment, when she let out a soft breath and leaned her head against mine, she was vulnerable, and my entire foundation began to crack. She placed a kiss on top of my head.

  “I can’t go through this if I’m worried that some boy has derailed you from your course. Life is too hard, and there are too many twists and turns. You’re stronger than this. Rise up.”

  Letting her words take root, I went back the next day as much for her as for myself. She had been right. Mark’s was my place. I wasn’t going to vacate my position like a coward because of a man.

  The sights, smells, and noises of the busy kitchen warmed my heart and made me smile. I was home. With my head held high and shoulders straight, I walked to my table in the back of the kitchen.

  “The queen is back,” Alex chided, sidling up next to me. “This place just wasn’t the same without you.”

  “What do you want, Alex?” I responded, annoyed as I unpacked my backpack. “Your little whores not keeping things interesting for you?”

  “Aw, Madison, this is what I missed. That mouth,” he said suggestively, leaning in. “One day, those lips will be wrapped around my cock.”

  Suddenly, the door opened, and the energy in the room instantly changed. My eyes shifted up and locked with the sapphire ones that sparkled with longing. No matter what I had told myself, I wasn’t prepared for my racing heart and the overwhelming desire to run into his arms.

  Alex looked over his shoulder at Jonathan and then shook his head. �
��You can do better,” Alex said flirtatiously, brushing my hair off my neck. “Although…”

  “Go to hell, Alex.” No matter what happened to me, I wasn’t falling for his game. I recoiled from his touch. “Leave me alone. I’m busy.”

  When I looked up one more time, Jonathan’s gaze was still fixed on me. His eyes were downcast and penetrating me. The door opened again, and my grandfather walked in. Business as usual resumed. Alex scurried behind my grandfather, kissing his ass, while Jonathan and the kitchen crew busily began preparing the food.

  The night went on like any other night in Mark’s kitchen, except I couldn’t do it. Every time I heard his voice, the truth slipped away. Can I forget and forgive? His glances softened, and his lip curled into a crooked smile. My resolve was crumbling. Then, I reminded myself that he’d betrayed me. He was married. I desperately wanted to turn on the switch that said I didn’t love him anymore. But how can I when his baby’s growing inside of me? How can I when I dream of us holding our baby? Images flashed before my eyes—his son, Theresa crying, Jonathan comforting her, and him leaving me, standing there, alone.

  That was when the bitter pill of reality set in.

  The kitchen was clearing out. I took my cue, packed up my books, and headed out. Nelson would be outside, waiting for me.

  At the back door, someone grabbed me and pulled me into him. His lips trailed along my neck and nipped my ear as my body sank into his.

  “Jonathan,” I whimpered.

  This is too much. I can’t touch him and not be able to be with him. How can I while a little piece of him is growing inside of me?

  He turned me around. When he tilted my chin up, I saw the same hurt and despair that I felt staring at me.

  “I’m going insane without you. I thought I was hallucinating when I saw you, but now, I know it wasn’t a dream.” His lips came down over mine, and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning in, kissing him back, tugging at his shirt.

  When I regained my senses, I weakly tried to pull away. “You need to stop. You’re married…leave me alone,” I said, breathlessly over his mouth.

  His hands slipped under my shirt and moved to my breasts, kneading my tender nipples. I gasped at the sensation and got lost in his touch, the picture of his crying wife and baby vanishing.

  “Give me time, baby.” His tongue teased my lower lip. “I need you.” He kissed me tenderly. “We’ll find a way. I love you so much that I can’t think straight,” he groaned, pressing his erection against me. “I need to take care of things the right way. Be patient with me.”

  I pushed back from him, needing to gain some control. My palms were so tightly fisted that my fingernails were cutting into my skin. I needed this pain to remind me, to remember. “You lied to me. I might be young, but I’m not some stupid girl who’s going to buy your shit. You’re married, Jonathan.” I repeated it for emphasis, finally finding the venom in my tone, “Married. You have a son. Were you ever going to tell me the truth?”

  “I fucked up,” he admitted, not looking very repentant as he caged me against the wall. He pressed his lips over mine. “I fucked up so badly. I should have told you the truth. You didn’t deserve that, and neither did Theresa.”

  Theresa, his wife. His words sliced my heart, and I winced at the sound of her name.

  He desperately searched my face, hoping to convince me. “You’re who I want. I’m alive when I’m with you. I can talk to you about everything—”

  Tears began to spill from my eyes. “Except that you’re a husband and a father. Minor details, Jonathan. There’s no point in this conversation,” I argued weakly, trying to push away from him.

  He buried his face in his arm, and with a shaky voice, he pleaded, “I’m so sorry. Let me make it up to you. I just need to figure things out. I can’t hurt her like that. She’s been good to me. She’ll keep my son away from me if I don’t handle this right.” His hands lowered, cradling my head. “I can’t lose you. Tell me I still have you.”

  His proximity, the brokenness in his voice, and the despair in his eyes burrowed their way into my heart, dismantling my resolve. He unbuckled my jeans and lowered the zipper.

  “I need to feel you.” He slipped his hand under my panties and fingered me. “You’re so wet,” he moaned. “Touch me the way you like to. Tell me you still love me.”

  My heart raced, and my breathing was shallow. Everything I knew to be right was gone in that moment. I didn’t care about anything else as long as we were together.

  But, no, not like this.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked, pushing away and turning my back on him to compose myself.

  He has to say it. Shit, I need to hear it.

  “I want you,” he said without any doubt as he pulled me into an embrace. “I want us. I need time. I love you, Madison, till the day I die. I just need you to understand my situation. Tell me you still love me.”

  “You know how I feel. That hasn’t changed,” I said, closing my eyes and savoring the feel of his arms around me. I couldn’t believe I was entertaining his suggestion. As hurt as I was, I loved him. “How much time?”

  “Time, Madison,” he said, squeezing me. “We can have everything we had before. We just need to be careful.”

  He turned me and looked into my eyes, and I saw the man I had fallen in love with.

  “I’ve missed you, our talks, lying with you in my arms so much.” And then, as though he’d thought this through, he said in a tone of authority, “Time. You need to finish school, and I need to make sure I don’t lose my son.”

  “That’s the thing…” I said softly. A flush touched my cheeks, and my heart hammered in my chest. I glanced away. “We don’t have too much time.”

  “Of course we do.” He leaned down and turned my face toward him, placing a kiss on my lips. “We can make this work.”

  Our eyes locked, and the words I hadn’t spoken out loud filled the space between us. “I’m pregnant.”

  He stepped back from me as though he’d been electrocuted. His hands rubbed against his mouth. “What are you talking about? You can’t be pregnant.”

  I reached for him, but he pulled back, and I saw fear in his eyes.

  “Tell me you’re fucking lying, Madison.”

  “Jonathan,” I pleaded, feeling a lump form in my throat and an ache in my heart, “don’t look at me like that.”

  “You did this on purpose?” He turned and raked his hands through his hair. “You’ve always wanted to go public.” He started pacing the small area of the dark hallway as he rambled, “This is some joke, right? You’re getting me back. It’s payback.” He reached for me and held me tight. He chuckled frantically. “Very funny. You got me.”

  I pulled away from him and crossed my arms. “I’m not joking.” The look of dread in his eyes pierced my heart. “I’m eight weeks.”

  He inhaled and exhaled several breaths, but he didn’t take his eyes off of me once. “You’re still in high school,” he said quietly, like I needed him to remind me. “You know I love you so much, but…but the timing is really bad.”

  “What are you saying, Jonathan?” I asked, unafraid. Suddenly, I felt a fight in me that I hadn’t known I had. It wasn’t just about me or how I felt about him anymore.

  “I’m saying you need to take care of this,” he said firmly. “You have your whole life ahead of you. I have responsibilities. We don’t need this type of pressure right now. I want you all to myself.” He caressed my face with the back of his hand.

  I’d spent the past two weeks running through all the possible life-altering scenarios. I knew all of this already. I was practical.

  “What choice do we have? Our families won’t understand. This will kill Theresa. I’ll miss all those firsts with my son.” He cupped my face with his hands. “You know it’s the right thing to do. I’ll give you the money. I just can’t go with you.” He kissed my forehead. “It’s not a big deal. Women do it all the time. You can have a baby when the time is right.�
��

  I jumped back from him, horrified. “I don’t need or want your money,” I snapped.

  He wasn’t going to keep me from Mark’s, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to make this decision for me.

  “I know where you stand. Now, get the hell out of my way.”

  He grabbed me and held me in place. “Madison, you can’t go through with this.” His breathing intensified as his chest rose and fell rapidly, and his nostrils flared. “This will ruin everyone’s life. Do you have any idea what it takes to be a parent?”

  What a fucking asshole. Who the hell is he? “You should’ve thought of that when you were too lazy or horny to put on a condom. Fuck you, Jonathan.” I shoved him off of me.

  “You’re seriously thinking of going through with this? No, you’re not that stupid,” he growled. “There’s no fucking way I’m going to let you do this.” He rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. “You did this on purpose, didn’t you?”

  “What?” I asked, offended.

  “This was your way of forcing my hand. My god, Madison. You little bitch, you trapped me. Goddamn you. I won’t lose my family.” He clenched his jaw and fisted his hands. He was in a full-blown panic attack. “No, no, no. Theresa will freak out. My god, what the fuck were you thinking?”

  My hand twitched, and I didn’t even feel the sting until I saw my handprint on his face. Good. He deserves it. “How dare you. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck off and die, you motherfucker.” I grabbed my backpack and pushed through the back door. The rush of the cold air hit my face.

  Jonathan came up behind me. “Think, Madison. It’s not just you.”

  I dug my nails in my fists as I turned to face him. Fury burned in me as I met his angry eyes.

  He continued. “Think about what this would do to me. My son is my fucking life. I can’t live without him. Goddamn you, Madison. My fucking god, you’re a selfish little—” He stopped himself. “Fuck!”

  “I thought you couldn’t live without me?” I shouted as I pressed my hand over my belly. “Who are we? Your son is your life, but not this one?” I looked away and saw Nelson step out of the car. “Go home to your family, Jonathan. Forget about us. As far as I’m concerned, we’re both dead to you.”