The Kidnapped Prince (Tales from the Land of Ononokin Book 5)

by John P. Logsdon

  “That easy, master. We just need to have some badge things and clothes.”

  “I have some cheap suits like those government types like to wear, but I don’t happen to have any MOC badges lying around.” Kwap’s tusks were moving up and down as he adjusted his jaw. “Also, don’t think I’ve got any uniforms for the ladies.”

  “Do you know what the badges look like?” asked Gungren.

  “No idea,” answered Kwap.

  “Do you think any of them other boss guys know?”

  “Actually, I’m certain they don’t,” Kwap replied with a grin. “Smart man.” Kwap then fumbled through the papers in one of his drawers. “Still, it would be good if we…” He snapped up a piece of paper and slammed it down in front of Gungren. “There we go!”

  “What that?”

  “Letterhead. It’s got their logo on it.”

  “Yep, that will work. I can use magic to make fake badges.”

  “Gungren,” said Whizzfiddle as he leaned over to study the letterhead, “I have to say that your ideas are unique.”

  “Just doing the same stuff I done when trying to catch the bunny, master.” Gungren picked up the paper and turned it slowly in a circle. “When you my size you gotta think out of the box.”

  “The jovial remembrance glitters my whimsy,” Eloquen said, grinning from ear to ear.

  “What?” said everyone else in unison.

  Gungren began tearing the paper carefully around the logo. “He say that reminds him of a joke.”

  “A joke?” Whizzfiddle said.

  “The belly trembles with delight as wind whistles wildly with boisterous glee.”

  “Him say it a funny one.”

  Whizzfiddle eyed the Elf. “Can you say the joke without all the flowery talk? Otherwise, this will take too long.”

  Eloquen sighed. “Fine. How do you catch a unique bunny?”

  “That’s easy,” answered Whizzfiddle. “You give the quest to Gungren. He’s good at those.”

  “Ignore him, Eloquen,” Kelsa said, coming to the Elf’s rescue. “I’ll play along. How do you catch a unique bunny?”

  “Unique up on it!”

  Kelsa groaned. “Shouldn’t have played along.”

  “How do you catch a tame bunny?” Eloquen continued, nearly bursting.

  “I give up,” answered Kelsa. “How do you catch a tame bunny?”

  “Tame way,” Eloquen giggled, “unique up on it!”

  “Anyone mind if I shoot him?” asked Kwap as he slowly opened one of his desk drawers.

  “I think I preferred it when I couldn’t understand a word he was saying,” said Whizzfiddle.

  THE MEETING

  Kleeshay waited patiently as the various bosses entered the room.

  There was Lefty, who was right-handed, short, squat, and prone to being annoyed easily; Righty, who was left-handed, but shared all the other attributes of Lefty; Two-Fingers was a little taller than Lefty and Righty, had a bowl-style haircut, and his lower jaw jutted out with such ferocity that it made him look a little slow, and he had all of his fingers; DaBroad was the only female boss in the local mob, and one look at her hulking size, bulging muscles, and angry glare would be enough to describe how she’d managed climbing the ladder; Tubby was a thin Orc who had a scar running from the top of his forehead down to his chin; and Rico was clean cut, direct, and considered quite the looker by the locals.

  “Why you at the head of the table?” Lefty asked Kleeshay as he took a chair.

  “Yeah,” seconded Righty.

  “The early bird gets the worm,” Kleeshay answered in typical fashion.

  “You eatin’ worms now?” Two-Fingers asked.

  “Looks like he’s makin’ a play on the top spot,” DaBroad pointed out before Kleeshay could answer Two-Fingers. “I don’t see Kwap nowhere. Did you off him?”

  “I did not. I’m merely playing the cards that were dealt to me.”

  “We’re playin’ cards now?” asked Lefty.

  Righty looked over and said, “This wise guy never makes any sense.”

  “Who’s the guy in the chair behind you?” Tubby asked as his eye twitched slightly. “The way he’s lookin’ at me makes my trigger finger itchy.”

  “Now, don’t get all bent out of shape, Tubby,” answered Kleeshay. “I’ll get to him shortly.”

  “Well, we’s all here, Kleeshay,” said Rico. “What’s on your mind?”

  Kleeshay’s big moment had arrived. He’d planned for years to get to this spot. He studied in private, took numerous college exams, and even wrote an inordinate amount of essays and research papers that taught him to spell words like “inordinate.”

  He cleared his throat.

  “It’s come to my attention that Kwap has decided to step down, and so I decided it was time to put my best foot forward.”

  “By musclin’ in on the kingpin spot?” said DaBroad.

  “Yeah,” said Two-Fingers. “Maybe one of us would rather have it.”

  “I would,” stated Rico.

  “Me too,” agreed Lefty.

  Righty nodded. “Yep.”

  “I kinda prefer just being a boss,” Tubby admitted, taking his hand off the pistol he’d been fondling. “Kingpin is too rich for my blood. But I don’t know how comfy I am about you being the new top dog either, Kleeshay.”

  “Why not?” said Kleeshay, feeling rather offended. “I’m not one of those all-talk-and-no-action types.”

  “No, but you speak funny. Irritates me.”

  “I am what I am,” Kleeshay defended himself. “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

  “Yeah, like that,” said Tubby. “It’s annoying.”

  “I don’t give a crap how he talks,” grumbled Lefty, “it’s how he just thinks we’s all gonna just step aside and let him move into the head spot.”

  “Exactly,” said Righty with a nod to Lefty.

  “But I have something that none of you do,” Kleeshay announced with a smile, “and once I show it to you everything will fall into place like a cat’s meow.”

  “What is it, then?” DaBroad said.

  With a level of pride he’d never felt before, he reached into his briefcase and pulled forth the document that would mark his ascendance to the position of top dog. It was the culmination of many years of hard work. Unlike others in his profession, he had actually done it correctly. Going to classes, giving presentations, and even building a full capstone project regarding the ins and outs of how he planned to run the business of being a gangster. His teachers looked horrified as they watched his presentation, but they were quick to give him top grades for the performance.

  He handed the diploma to DaBroad, saying, “I now have a master’s degree in Business Administration.”

  “Damn,” she replied, studying the document.

  “Guess that’s that,” said Lefty.

  “Knew I shoulda stayed in school,” Righty declared.

  Tubby grunted as he caressed the trigger on his pistol. “I hate smarties.”

  “It was all I could do to get that high school equivalency paper,” said Two-Fingers.

  “And just when I was about to get my bachelors degree,” Rico groaned.

  DaBroad gave him a look. “For real?”

  “Yeah,” said Rico. “Turns out it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. All I had to do was submit a one-page paper on why I felt I deserved it. Oh, and five thousand dollars.”

  “I don’t think those are legit,” said Lefty.

  “Sure they are,” Rico argued. “It’s from a prestigious school called Pale University."

  “Sounds like a scam,” Tubby said.

  “Okay, okay,” Kleeshay said, waving his hands. “Everybody hold the phone.”

  They all lifted up their TalkyThingies.

  Kleeshay was about to explain that he was just using a saying, but that was precisely when Kwap walked into the room.

  All the bosses saw him and blanched. They began studying the
table, their fingernails, or their particular brand of weaponry.

  Kleeshay started looking for the nearest exit before remembering that this was his time. He was now the big kahuna. Kwap was a has-been, outdated, outmoded, and outclassed.

  Kleeshay gave him the smuggest look he could manage.

  § § §

  Whizzfiddle put his arms out to stop everyone from going in too soon.

  They’d gone to the location of the meeting after getting everyone’s attire in order, which included a fair amount of magic, especially when it came to getting Jill and Kelsa properly outfitted. Fortunately, Kwap had plenty of alcohol on hand. The good stuff, too. In fact, Whizzfiddle had written down a few names and topped off his flask before they’d left.

  “You go out first,” Gungren whispered to Kwap. “We’ll come in after a minute.”

  “Wait,” said Whizzfiddle as they peered through a set of blinds that allowed them to see inside the room. “Tell us who is who in there, first. In case we need to know.”

  Kwap pointed and named each of them before he strode out from behind the side wall, walking purposefully towards the table that housed all the bosses.

  “Holding a meeting behind my back, eh?”

  “Kwap?” said Jack from behind Kleeshay. “I thought you sold soap? This guy says you sell dope. You don’t sell dope, right?”

  Whizzfiddle was peeking through the blinds to take in the action.

  “We’ll talk about that later, Jack,” Kwap said and then turned his attention to Kleeshay. “Mind explaining yourself?”

  Kleeshay looked somewhat nervous. “You said you were leaving the business, so...”

  “On my own terms, Kleeshay, not yours.”

  “All’s fair in love and war,” Kleeshay replied.

  “What?” said Kwap, stepping closer to the table. “Forget it. Look, Kleeshay, I’ve had about enough of you. You’ve been nothing but a pain in the rump since you became a boss, and I think I speak for everyone when I say—”

  “Hold up, Kwap,” interrupted Rico. “Looks like he’s got the goods now.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  Rico passed over a document.

  “Oh, big man on campus, eh?” Kwap said, studying the document. “MBA, even. I’m impressed.”

  “That’s right,” said Kleeshay as he crossed his arms. “I’m clearly the most qualified to hold the position of kingpin now, but I also have another trick up my sleeve.”

  “He’s a magician too?” said Tubby.

  Kleeshay smiled broadly as he motioned at Prince Jack. Whizzfiddle had to hand it to the wanna-be kingpin, he was well versed in showmanship.

  “The man sitting behind me is hotter than a fox in a firestorm,” Kleeshay announced.

  “Uh... thanks?” said Jack, looking confused and more than a little uncomfortable.

  “He’s the main dope supplier to Kwap,” Kleeshay revealed. All the bosses leaned over to look at Jack. “As you can see,” continued Kleeshay, “I don’t horse around.”

  “I am not his supplier,” said Jack at the same time Kwap said, “He’s not my supplier.”

  “Yes, you are,” Kleeshay replied, pointing at Jack. He then spun back and shrugged at the other bosses. “Claims to make rope, not dope, and says that Kwap here sells soap. But I know better, and so do all of you.” He gave Kwap a satisfied glance and said, “Sorry, Kwap, but you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me.”

  “Now,” said Whizzfiddle, giving Gungren a shove. “Let’s go now.”

  Gungren, Whizzfiddle, Jill, Kelsa, and Eloquen marched out from behind the wall, looking very official. The trench coats and hats really set the scene, especially on Gungren. He fit the part of crooked government official flawlessly.

  “Jill?” said Jack, grimacing. “Kelsa? What’s going on?”

  Kwap held his hand up at Jack.

  “Might want to keep your trap shut,” he said menacingly, “if you know what’s good for you.”

  “I’m confused,” Jack replied.

  Kleeshay pushed away from the table and strode around, pushing by Kwap as though he were no longer important enough to treat with respect.

  “What is the meaning of this?” he said to Gungren. “I’ll have your hides for lunch!”

  “We from the MOC,” Gungren answered, flipping out his badge in a practiced manner.

  Rico stood up next. “The Mob Oversight Committee?”

  “Yep. We got word that not everyone have their right education things.”

  “Hey,” said Lefty, “we was just talkin’ about that.”

  “We are going to need to see everyone’s credentials or there will be heavy fines laid out,” Whizzfiddle chimed in, feeling remarkably official in his uniform. The outfit made the man, he was always told. Until now, he’d only known that to be the case when it came to wearing a robe and pointy hat.

  “Is it just me or does it make no sense that there is a government-run MOC?” asked DaBroad.

  “Always thought it was stupid,” Two-Fingers answered, “but you know how the government types want their cut.”

  “Keeps us out of the joint,” noted Tubby.

  Lefty nodded with a shrug and pointed at Jack. “It’s why they don’t crack down too heavy on us selling the dope that guy delivers.”

  “Again,” whined Jack, “I don’t deliver dope.”

  “Whatever you’s callin’ it,” Righty responded. “Government wants their cut, yeah?”

  “That’s why we gotta charge so much,” DaBroad stated.

  “I don’t mind chargin’ a lot. Better for my bottom line.”

  “No, it ain’t, Righty,” DaBroad countered. “You gotta charge a lot cause you gotta grease the palms of the MOC. That means that you get fewer clients seeing that only a few got enough money to pay for the goods.”

  “What bugs me is that they get the dough outta us and they still arrest our dealers and buyers,” said Two-Fingers.

  “They have to do that,” Rico said, leaning back. “If they didn’t, society would say they're goin’ easy on drugs.”

  “What about booze?” DaBroad asked. “That’s just as bad, yeah?”

  “Worse, if you ask me,” said Kwap.

  “Right, but nobody seems to notice.”

  Whizzfiddle found it interesting that this discussion was going on. The content was different, certainly, but the gist of the debate was the same as when the wizards got together to discuss topics, policies, and managing the business of magic. The primary difference was that the mob’s form of negotiation was rather different from the wizards. Most of the time, anyway.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” he said over the discussion, “but we have a timetable to keep. Isn’t that right, Gun... Erm, Officer Gungren?”

  “Yep. Show us your credentials.”

  They all reached into their pockets and pulled forth documents. Gungren passed each on to Whizzfiddle for review. Everything seemed in order, including the larger, framed diploma that marked Kleeshay as having recently received an MBA.

  “Where’s yours?” Gungren said to Kwap, just like they’d planned.

  “Left it at the office,” answered Kwap, patting his jacket. “I was in a rush to...”

  Gungren pointed at Jill while nodding towards Kwap. “Cuff him,” he commanded.

  “Excuse me,” Jill replied, hand on hip, “but I’ll have you know that I do not fancy being spoken to in such a manner. Why, if my father were here, you’d be tarred and feathered for trying to order me around!”

  There was a collective gasp. Whizzfiddle, however, merely groaned.

  “She’s new to the force,” said Whizzfiddle, attempting to rescue the situation. “Fresh out of school. Used to living with her parents. You know how it is with kids these days. Always expecting everything to be handed to them on a silver platter.”

  There was a collective nod.

  “What are you talking—” Jill started, but Kelsa pushed past her.

  “I’ve got h
im,” said Kelsa, putting cuffs on Kwap.

  “And you say that guy is his supplier?” Gungren asked while pointing at Jack.

  “I did,” Kleeshay said grimly. “Looks like I zigged when I should have zagged.”

  “What?”

  “The turning motion was angled without prompting amongst the currents though chasing the winds would have proved preeminent,” Eloquen explained.

  Gungren nodded. “Ah, right.”

  There was a collective, “What?”

  “Him say that guy said he made the wrong move.”

  “Oh,” came the unanimous reply.

  “Anyway,” Gungren continued, “if that guy am Kwap’s supplier, he gotta come with us too.”

  “How many times do I...” Jack said, looking as though his head was ready to explode. “I’m nobody’s supplier!”

  “Don’t make it harder on yourself than it’s got to be, lad,” said Whizzfiddle.

  Jack sat back stiffly. “I want my attorney.”

  “I’ll cuff him,” said Jill as she moved up next to Jack.

  Whizzfiddle kept a roving eye on the room. It didn’t seem like anyone was going to make any trouble. Clearly they recognized that the government was higher on the food chain than the local mob.

  Jack still looked perplexed until Jill leaned down and whispered something to him. Whizzfiddle didn’t know what she’d said, but the prince relaxed and nodded. A moment later he was up, cuffed, and being led out.

  DING DING DING!

  Heliok was feeling even more powerful than usual as he stood on the set he'd just finished interviewing in. There were people removing the table and chairs and packing up the cameras, but he ignored all of that and focused instead on his feeling of elation.

  He was a Fate, so it was normal to have that holier-than-thou attitude, though better-than-thou was probably more apropos, but this was different. He felt like he wanted to go on a tour, do speaking engagements, and possibly even learn to play the guitar. He couldn’t quite explain that last bit, but he felt the desire nonetheless.

  Ding, ding, ding!

  “What was that?” asked Misty, turning away from her discussion with Corg.

  “It looks as though our young Gungren has completed his first mission,” Heliok replied triumphantly, pointing at the green dot that was flashing on Gungren’s file.