The Kidnapped Prince (Tales from the Land of Ononokin Book 5)

by John P. Logsdon

  “He’s got the prince home already?”

  “No,” said Heliok, “but we don’t bother with the boring aspects of missions. He’s set to complete it all just fine. He has picked up the prince and removed him from immediate danger. The rest, as we say, is fated.”

  “Ah.”

  “We still have to wrap up the filmin’ until he gets back,” said Corg, “and then I’m guessin’ ye’ll be after havin’ him up for gettin’ his pearlies fixed?”

  “His pearlies?” Heliok began and then snapped his fingers. “Ah, you mean his teeth. Yes, that’s correct.”

  “And we’ll be after filmin’ that and then gettin’ into post-production.”

  “I’ve already messaged Knuds that we’re going to have a heck of a hit on our hands,” Misty said, looking proud.

  “Knuds?”

  “My boss, remember?”

  “Oh, yes, of course. You may recall that we block the majority of items that are not as pressing.”

  “Right.”

  NO MORE KLEESHAYS

  As soon as the MOC was gone, Kleeshay had to regain his hold on the bosses.

  They were all milling about, discussing what they should do about these government types breaking in and causing trouble. Kleeshay saw this as the perfect moment for him to tighten the hold on everyone.

  “Now that we’re done with that little fun note,” he called above their chatter, “it’s time to pay the piper.”

  “Pay who?” asked Lefty.

  “I ain’t payin’ nobody who plays a wind instrument,” agreed Righty. “A violinist, guitarist, or drummer, sure, but puttin’ money into some goober who blows into a tube ain’t gonna happen.”

  “I play the tenor sax,” said DaBroad darkly. “Got a problem with that?”

  “Uh...”

  Rico snorted and rolled his eyes. “I believe he means it’s time for us to elect him as the new kingpin.”

  “Ah, yeah.” DaBroad cracked her neck from side to side as she sat back in her chair. “This ain’t gonna be fun, but he’s got the credentials, so what are ya gonna do?”

  “We could off him,” suggested Two-Fingers.

  “I’m for that,” said Tubby without inflection, “as long as I ain’t gotta be the new kingpin.”

  “Our rules are our rules,” Kleeshay said, resuming his position at the head of the table. “You live by the sword, you die by the sword.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Tubby said.

  "Enough of this," Rico said. "I got other things to do." Then he grimaced and added, "Though it pains me horribly, I affirm Kleeshay."

  “Ugh...” DaBroad went next. “Fine, yeah, affirm.”

  “Decline,” said Lefty.

  “Affirm,” said Righty.

  Lefty gave him a look. “Really? You always do what I do.”

  “Sorry. Easier this way.”

  Two-Fingers cleared his throat. “Decline.”

  “Better him than me,” Tubby said as all eyes were on him. “Affirm.”

  Kleeshay would have preferred a unanimous vote, but it was rare for mob bosses to agree on much. Fortunately it was a 50/50 decision. If there had been ten options, each would have selected a different one and they’d have been in session for days.

  “Not quite the landslide I was hoping for,” Kleeshay said, “but I won’t let that rain on my parade.”

  “So now what...” Righty started, looking like he’d just taken a bite of bad fish, “...boss?”

  Kleeshay liked the sound of that. He'd heard it many times from his henchmen, of course, but coming from the other bosses was much more impactful.

  He glanced around, feeling proud. Now that he had them under his thumb he would slowly work to build out the network until he could gain all of Pren’s mafia under his rule. It would be a massive umbrella of organized crime that would etch his name in the books of mob lore forever.

  “Now we institute a rule that says that everyone must have at least a Bachelor’s degree to be a boss,” Kleeshay proclaimed.

  He was finally able to put steps in place to raise the general intellect in his beloved profession. Even better, he knew full well that this lot was going to struggle to make that happen. This, in turn, would allow Kleeshay to systematically replace them with people he wanted to be bosses. And that would give him the brains to take over the state.

  “Does my bachelor’s degree count?” asked Rico, raising his hand.

  “Sorry, no,” Kleeshay answered. “Purchasing a degree is not the same as earning one, I’m afraid. It's all in a day's work, you know.”

  Rico nodded and looked around the table. “I say we kill him.”

  “Affirm,” agreed Lefty.

  “Affirm,” said Righty with a nod to Lefty.

  DaBroad cracked her neck again. “Yep.”

  “I’ll get my brass knuckles,” said Tubby.

  Obviously he’d acted too hastily. He glanced at his two henchmen, looking for support, but they were inching their way out of the building.

  He jumped to his feet as all the boss’s chairs pushed out.

  “Now, wait just a moment...”

  BREAKING UP AND GETTING TOGETHER

  The questing party didn’t stop once they got out of that meeting. They headed at full speed right to the edge of town and pushed through brush until they were safely in Wikr.

  It was easier getting through the thorns with all the trench coats on. Jack, though, didn’t have one, so he was nicked up from head to toe. Kwap was exposed, too, but Orc skin was a lot tougher than Human. Still, he had a few cuts here and there.

  Gungren stuffed some dirt in his mouth and said, “Fixum-up-good.”

  All the scratches healed on both Jack and Kwap.

  “Don’t do that again,” Kwap warned Gungren as his wounds closed up. “I don’t want your demon voodoo cast at me.”

  “Sorry,” said Gungren. “I shoulda asked first.”

  “It’s just magic, Kwap,” said Jack, perplexed. “You’re too smart to consider it demonic.”

  Kwap merely grunted in reply. Once Jack turned away, Kwap made an ancient Orc protection gesture, which consisted of him touching the tip of each of his tusks and then doing a little boogie-woogie dance with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head.

  “That silly,” said Gungren.

  “Maybe to you,” Kwap replied.

  Kelsa had moved over to Jack and was checking him over.

  Whizzfiddle glanced at Jill. She did not seem pleased. He was about to intervene, when Kelsa stood up and was eye to eye with the prince.

  “I’m so glad you’re safe,” she breathed.

  “Thanks,” he replied, obviously fighting from reaching out to her, “and thanks for coming to rescue me.”

  “Hello?” said Jill. “I’m standing here too, ya know?”

  “Huh?” Jack said, jumping backwards. “Oh, right. Sorry! I’m kind of...” He stopped and lifted his hands up slightly in surrender. “I just can’t do this anymore. If I’ve learned anything over the last couple of days, it’s that life’s way too short.”

  Jill squinted at him. “What are you talking about?”

  “Jill,” Jack said, squaring his shoulders, “we need to talk.”

  “Uh oh,” said Whizzfiddle, grabbing Gungren by the shoulder. “We should probably mosey on over here, Gungren.”

  “Why?” said Gungren, not budging. He was a strong little fellow.

  “Because it's about to get uncomfortable.”

  “I got to know everything if I gonna finish my quest, master,” Gungren replied.

  “All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  Whizzfiddle wanted to run away from the scene. He’d faced Gorgans, Dragons, other wizards, angry ex-apprentices, and a plethora of other ghastly manifestations in his time, but two threats he’d never gone up against were a mother-in-law—praise The Twelve—or a woman scorned.

  But he couldn’t leave now. His duty was to his apprentice. If Gungren fe
lt that it was imperative to learn the ins and outs of what was about to happen, then Whizzfiddle would support that decision.

  He pulled out his flask, took a deep pull, and then cast a spell of protection... just in case.

  “Jack?” Jill was already heating up. Her skin was three shades redder than the norm. “What’s going on?”

  “I think you’re great, Jill,” Jack said, giving her his full attention. “I really do. But I just don’t think we’re right for each other.”

  “What?” Jill shrieked. “We’re only a couple of weeks away from the wedding and you’re telling me this now?”

  “I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I’ve just...”

  “Been chicken, that’s what,” said Jill hotly. “I swear, it’s not a wonder. You know this is probably the first time a princess has ever had to save a prince instead of the other way around?”

  “Harsh,” said Kwap.

  Jill spun on the Orc and glared. “You keep out of this.”

  Kwap wisely backed away.

  “This is part of the problem,” said Jack as he motioned at Kwap. “Look how you just treated him. You’re very gruff, rough, and, well, tough. I’m not. I’m more laid back, like my parents.”

  Jill sniffed derisively. “Stoners.”

  “Better than the jerks that your parents are,” countered Jack.

  “You’re looking for a punch in the nose now.”

  “Yet another case in point,” Jack said, flustered. “I want to talk and you just resort to anger and name-calling.”

  Jill opened her mouth a few times, but she was obviously choking back on whatever she wanted to say. This wasn’t the first occurrence during this quest that it’d been intimated she was an uppity, arrogant, difficult person. Maybe she was finally starting to see the light for herself.

  She stepped back and chewed on her lip. It had to be embarrassing for her, but sometimes people needed to be humbled.

  “I just don’t get it,” she said. “All of those letters you sent to me...” She trailed off and sighed.

  “Yeah, about the letters...” Jack said. “I’ve got another confession. I didn’t write those.”

  “What?”

  “They were written for me by someone who knows how to write like that.” His guilt was evident. “I mean, I can write like that, but only if I’m really feeling that way, you know?”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m sorry, Jill,” Jack said again, groaning. “That came out wrong.”

  “I can’t believe this is happening.” She found the nearest rock and sat down. “All these years I’ve thought you worshiped the ground I walked on, but in reality you merely hired someone to convince me of something that wasn’t true. Just like that old story with Dabiganos Behindjaback.”

  “First off, the guy who hired Dabiganos Behinjaback in that story actually did love the girl he was courting. He just didn’t know how to show it.” She winced, as did everyone. “Oh, damn. I’m sorry. I did it again.”

  “Six months of jogging wasted,” she hissed.

  “Anyway, I didn’t hire anyone. The guy who wrote those letters did it because he’s the one who truly loves you.”

  Jill looked up. “Dabigano Behinjaback loves me?”

  “No,” Jack said at length. “That’s just a fictional character.”

  “I know that,” she said hotly, glancing around. “Anyway, you’re telling me that there’s some guy writing those letters who actually loves me and you just handed them to me as if they were your own?”

  “Pretty much,” Jack affirmed. “But, again, he knew what was going on. He was also aware that you were promised to me.”

  “Oh.” Jill was studying her fingers now. “That’s kind of sad, actually. Is it someone I know?”

  “Yep.”

  “Who?”

  Kwap, who was standing behind Jill, began waving his hands frantically at Jack. He made multiple throat-cut signs and everything. It was apparent to Whizzfiddle that Kwap was not ready to be outed just yet.

  Unfortunately, the streetlights skirting the border between Pren and Wikr were powerful enough to cast a shadow from the massive Orc to the ground in front of Jill. She spun around, catching him in the act. Kwap abruptly stopped and began to whistle.

  “Nice night, eh?” he said. “Usually much hotter around this time of—”

  "Kwap?"

  "When I was a kid we used to jump the bushes here and—“

  “You wrote those letters?” she interrupted.

  Kwap dropped the act and slumped a little.

  “Ugh...” The Orc glanced at Jack for a moment and then hesitantly said, “Yes.”

  “But... why?”

  Whizzfiddle was suddenly pleased that he hadn’t fled the scene when the proverbial poop was hitting the fan. This was getting interesting.

  “I was just trying...” Kwap started, but stopped. “You see, when...” he began again, but failed. Finally, he shrugged and just let the words flow. “Ever since that first time I met you when you came to visit Jack in college, I knew you were the one for me, Jill. You’re gruff, tough, and rough, just the way I like my women.”

  “But you’re an Orc,” said Jill.

  Kwap frowned. “You noticed that, eh?”

  “That’s not what I meant,” she said with a wince. “I mean, how would that work? You can’t live in the Upperworld.”

  “He could if he got a temporary magical illusion put over him,” Whizzfiddle pointed out. “Nothing permanent, but it could be done for short durations.”

  “Exactly, and that means I would have to live down here.” She gulped. “I mean, assuming that I’m even interested, you know?”

  “Of course.”

  “Just to be clear,” she affirmed, “I haven’t said that I am.”

  “No,” agreed Kwap, “you haven’t.”

  “But...” She stopped and closed her eyes. It was clearly her turn to own up to something. “Oh, hell, there’s no point in me making up tales. Fact is that you’re way more my kind of guy than Jack is.” She glanced at Jack. “No offense.”

  “None taken.”

  “I need someone who can keep up with me. I’m adventurous, exacting, and I like to fight.”

  “Exactly,” Kwap said with glowing eyes.

  “But I’m not going to be married to the mob,” she noted, standing up to face the Orc. “My parents would have a conniption. It was bad enough when they expected me to be married into the life of a hemp farmer. And my dad hates that Jack is a wimpy stoner, too.”

  “Starting to feel a little offended over here,” said Jack, “and, again, I’m not a stoner.”

  “Look, Jill,” Kwap said as Kelsa consoled Jack, “you just saw me quit the mob. I’m out of that business.”

  “Which begs the question of what will you do instead?”

  “Honestly, thinking about selling soap. It’s what my original plan was before I ended up at the top of the mob.”

  Jill nodded. “The Twelve knows that the people here could use soap.”

  “Same with the Giants in Wikr and the Ogres in Fez,” Kwap replied. “I’ve been studying up on this. Making a business plan.”

  When an Orc made a business plan, it was iron clad. Whizzfiddle had sat in on a number of negotiations over his years. It was a boring gig, simply casting a makeum-sure-none-of-em-are-lyin spell and then holding it in place until the proceedings had completed. During that phase of his career, the plans that always rose to the top—at least from the standpoint of solidity—belonged to the Orcs.

  “Do you know how to make soap?” Jill asked, obviously still sizing him up as a potential suitor.

  “Not a clue,” admitted Kwap, “but I’ve never had a problem finding distributors.”

  “I can do it,” Jack said.

  Kwap blinked at him. “You can?”

  “Hemp soap, yeah.”

  “I don’t wanna sell stuff like that anymore...”

  “You can’t get high on it, Kwap,” Jack said
, putting his hands on his hips. “Honestly, I’m fascinated at how little people know about this stuff. It’ll just be soap with hemp oil in it. We have tons of the stuff at my house. It’s actually quite refreshing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “This is a win-win, too,” Jack continued. “My parents have been wondering what I was going to do with my part of the farm. I didn’t want to compete with them by making rope, so soap would be great.”

  “Works for me,” said Kwap. Then he turned back to Jill. “What do you say, Princess? You now know that all those words were from me. Every one of them.” He smiled warmly. “You want to take a chance with an Orc who runs a soap empire?”

  Jill looked at Jack. “You’re sure about this? I mean, I have to be honest in that I don’t think I was ever truly in love with you either. I think you’re a nice guy and all, but I was only marrying you because of the deal my mother made with your mother, and also because I knew that it would annoy my father.”

  “Honestly, I’m more than fine with it,” Jack said, relieved. “You do realize that marrying an Orc who makes soap out of hemp is going to be far more aggravating to your father than marrying me.”

  “Oh, yes,” Jill said with an evil grin. “I definitely know that.”

  Just as it appeared everything was out on the table and resolved, Whizzfiddle felt something in the air that told him it was about to get difficult again. He’d been suspicious about it all along, but now that Jack was eying Kelsa questioningly, the obvious was going to unfold.

  “Jill,” said Jack, “there’s one more thing you should know.”

  “Uh oh,” said Jill.

  “I’m in love with Kelsa.”

  “What?”

  “Sorry, Princess,” said Kelsa, her head bowed in shame.

  “Wait, you’re in love with him too?”

  “I am, my lady.”

  “Explains why you’ve been acting strangely during this entire quest,” Jill said, the red returning to her cheeks. “How long has that been going on?”

  “Ever since you brought her down to college to meet me and Kwap.”