by Fran Jacobs
"You just have to tell him," Trellany said. "There's no good way of doing it and the longer you put it off, the less time he will have to prepare and the more upset he will be when he does find out. You have an hour free before lunch tomorrow, talk to him then. It's for the best, I promise you."
"I know," I said. "I guess I've just been putting it off because I hoped the whole problem would go away."
"You know that's not going to happen," Trellany said. "You also know that this is just the first visit, that there will be many others, during the year, from Idryan, as well as the other kingdoms. This is something that he's going to have to get used to, but he won't be able to do that if he doesn't know it's even a possibility."
"I know," I said again, with a sigh.
"But, if it's any help, I promise to keep an eye on him, make sure that he doesn't let his feelings get the better of him. And I'm sure the diplomats won't antagonise him. They're here as representatives of their kingdom, they won't let their personal opinions influence their behaviour."
"I wish I was so sure of that," I said, setting down the cake of soap with a sigh. "But I know how important religion is to them and how much they hate magic. I just don't know if they'll be able to put aside their beliefs to do their job when faced with someone they think is demonic."
"Well that's their problem. We just have to keep an eye on Silver. Let them act like disrespectful idiots and show themselves up, if they want to. We don't want Silver to sink to their level."
"No," I said. "No, we don't." I turned to look at her. "Do you think they'll know anything about the Order?"
"I doubt it, Prince Candale. They're meant to be a secret organisation after all. And if they did, I doubt that they'd tell you. Considering the fact the Order wants you dead, it may put them in a suspicious light if they admit to knowing anything about them."
"That's true," I said thoughtfully. "Well, what about the Oracle? They may have some historical knowledge of him."
"Yes, they might, but didn't your grandfather expressly tell you to not get involved with this? Didn't he tell you that he and your father would handle it?"
"He told me to leave the Order business to him, yes, but I wouldn't ask the diplomats about that. I'd ask about the Oracle."
"There's a very small line between the differences, Prince Candale."
"I know," I said, "and I'll be careful not to cross it."
"Is there anything I can say to talk you out of this?"
"No," I said. "I'm sorry."
Trellany sighed. "All right," she said. "But you know how I feel about it."
"Yes," I said. "I do."
She left the bathroom then and I dried myself down, before heading back into the sitting room where Teveriel was sprawled out, completely at home, on my couch, his long legs hooked over the arm.
I raised an eyebrow at him, surprised to see him there. "Hello," I said, as I sat back down in front of my notes. "What brings you here? Your public let you go so you could visit your poor forgotten friends?"
"I had to sneak out," he told me, with a serious look on his face. "They were so unwilling to let me go! But I knew I had to try. I didn't want you to forget about me and find a replacement."
"I wouldn't dare do such a thing," I told him. "Who else could keep me so entertained?"
"No one," Teveriel agreed. "I'm glad you realise that." He sat up, swinging his feet down onto the floor. "I actually missed you, can you believe it?"
"I missed you, too, if you can believe that!"
"Well, now that you have both covered the fact that you missed each other," Trellany said, strangely sharp, "how about I have lunch brought up?"
"Yes," I said. "That would be nice, thank you." I leaned forward and started to gather up my notes to clear a space to eat.
"He's going to get himself in real trouble if he carries on like this," Trellany said suddenly.
"Pardon me?" I said, lifting my head. "Why do you say that? Who's going to get themselves in real trouble?"
Trellany looked confused. "What are you talking about?" she asked me. "I just said I was going to go down to the kitchens myself, that it would be quicker than waiting for a servant to come up here."
"You did?" I swallowed a tight lump back from my throat. That wasn't what I'd heard.
"Yes," Trellany said. Her eyes narrowed. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," I said. "Just a little tired, I guess. I've been working harder than I thought." I feigned a smile at her and turned back to picking up my notes.
"He's only young, he gets carried away," said a male voice. "He doesn't mean any harm."
"Who doesn't mean any harm?" I asked, lifting my head again. Teveriel just looked at me, looking totally confused. "Who doesn't mean any harm?" I asked again.
"I don't know what you are talking about, Dale. I didn't say anything."
"Y-you didn't? I thought I heard someone talking, a man, he said that he doesn't mean any harm ..."
"Who doesn't mean any harm?"
"I-I don't know. That's why I am asking you."
Teveriel shook his head, looking worried and almost afraid, the way that I was feeling inside.
"That's not an excuse," said a female voice, the one I had thought was Trellany, but I knew now that it couldn't have been her. She'd left the room to go to the kitchens. I'd seen her go. "He's old enough to know better and it can't go on like this."
"No, I know," said the first male voice, wearily. "I'll talk to him."
Teveriel's hand reached out to touch my arm and his fingers felt like a heavy weight against my flesh. "Are you all right?" he whispered.
"Yes," I lied. "Yes, of course. I'm fine." It was something I had been saying a lot recently and it was getting harder each time to try and make it sound convincing. Not that I was really trying to convince Teveriel this time. There was no point. I knew he wasn't going to believe me and at the moment I didn't really care. I was hearing voices and I knew that it was just the start of many more incidents like it. It was no wonder that people had said that the Seer would go mad, hearing voices like this. At least the visions, as horrible as they were, took place out of myself, like a vivid daydream, and once I'd seen what I had to, I was back and the world went on as before. And the child, that was clearly something separate from the rest of the world around me, something out of place, I couldn't confuse it with anything else. But the voices ... ? That was different. They could be confused with what people around me were saying, and there'd been no warning either. Nothing to prepare me, to let me know that I should take myself off somewhere to be alone, so that I could try to avoid arousing suspicion as I was forced to listen to them. I didn't know what I was going to do about this. I didn't know how to even begin thinking about how to handle this.
"I-I'm going to lie down," I said. "T-tell my grandfather and father that I have a headache, that I fear a fit. Tell Trellany ..." Tell her what? What could I tell my bodyguard that wouldn't make her worry, or storm into my room to talk to me when, right now, I needed to be alone? "Tell her whatever you want to, but tell her not to disturb me. I'm going to get some sleep. I need time alone."
I left before Teveriel had a chance to say anything, hurrying into my bedroom. I was so glad that it was warm and light in there. The daylight streaming in through the windows was comforting and the bed was basking in a warm sunbeam. I shut my bedroom door tightly, slid the bolt into place, and went to sit on my bed in silence, in the middle of that warm sunbeam and tried to gather my thoughts. But my mind was suddenly blank and I was just looking at the stone circle drawing on the wall, staring at the rough black lines, the shading, the frame of white acorns and twigs ...
***
The room was suddenly dark. My eyes were dry and sore. I blinked a couple of times, and rubbed them with the back of one hand, and then I heard a soft rapping on the door. How long had I been sitting there, staring at the picture? It had been noon the last time I'd been aware of anything and the room had been light and warm. Now it was
dark and cold.
"Dale," Teveriel called, through the locked door. "Are you awake?"
"Yes," I called back.
"Can I come in?"
I hesitated and then shook my head even though I knew he couldn't see me. "No. I need some time to myself, Tev. I've not been alone for a long time now, not since we left for White Oaks, really, I just need some space."
There was a pause. "But you are all right?"
"Yes, yes. I'm fine."
"There is some food out here, if you're hungry."
"I'm not."
Another pause. "Are you sure you're all right?" He sounded concerned; there was an odd tight note to his voice.
"I'm fine, Tev," I replied.
There was another pause and then the clear sound of him sighing. "All right," he said. "I'll leave you alone now."
"Thank you."
I heard his fingers touch the wooden door lightly, but he didn't say anything else. In my mind's eye I could see him, his fingers pressed to the wood, concern over me in his eyes. Then I heard the sound of his heels on the polished wooden floor outside as he turned and walked away.
I curled up on my side, the soft feather pillow cradling my head and I closed my eyes, tried to shut down my mind and will sleep to come.
But it didn't.
***
Trellany said nothing to me about my disappearance in the morning. She just told me what excuses she had given to explain my absence. I was grateful to her for handling it for me. She really was more than just a bodyguard or a friend, more like a trusted aide. And I knew that that was going to be invaluable to me as time went on.
After my morning lessons I took Silver outside to the Wild Garden, as it was the nearest so that I could talk to him, tell him, warn him, about the Idryan diplomats and their forthcoming visit.
The Wild Garden was fairly unpopular with many courtiers. With its colourful, scented plants hanging over the edge of the paths, growing tall and wild in the beds, it looked untamed and the overgrown plants were a nightmare for snagging long skirts and coats. But I knew that the unkempt nature of the garden was just an illusion. Like every other garden in Carnia Castle, it was well maintained, with no weeds, and all the plants were carefully arranged. I was sure that the Castle gardeners spent more time working on the Wild Garden, maintaining its appearance, than they did on any of the more orderly gardens.
"Hazel wrote me another letter," Silver said, as he, Trellany and I sat down on a large patch of lawn beneath a tall, towering tree, while Milan and Breskarn stood a discreet distance away.
"She's written to you before?" I said, surprised.
"Three times since I arrived here," Silver replied. He sprawled out. "She asks about you every time." He gave me a hard look. "You never ask about her."
"It's a sore subject," I said quietly. "I still feel bad about what happened. I'm surprised that she asked about me. I thought she hated me."
"She never hated you," Silver said. "She was just upset, but she seems to be getting over that now. Why don't you write to her, Dale? I think she'd like to hear from you."
"All right," I said. "I will." I grinned at him. "I can tell her all about you and the Lady Keyla."
Silver looked startled. "What do you know about us?" he asked suspiciously.
"Not much," I admitted. "Just that you've spent a few evenings there, after I'd retired, and that you were seen out walking together a few nights ago."
"Yes," Silver said. "Yes, we have spent some time together since the ball. I really like her, Dale. We're not courting, but I'm of a mind to do so."
"Really?" I smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. Keyla's a really nice girl."
"I think so," he said.
Trellany coughed then, and I glanced at her, before nodding. "Silver, I need to talk to you. That's really why I brought you out here."
"All right," he said. "What is it? Does it have anything to do with why you weren't at supper last night?"
I shook my head. "No, I-I had a headache last night --" I gave Trellany a hard glance as she took a sharp breath. Clearly she didn't believe that lying to my bodyguards was as acceptable as lying to my parents. "No, all right, I heard something last night, voices. It scared me, but that isn't what I want to talk to you about." I took a deep breath. "Every year we get visits from various diplomats from the other kingdoms, to discuss policies and border issues and so on. And ... and we're expecting a visit from Idryan delegates in a couple of weeks."
"Oh."
"I wanted to tell you, to warn you, so that you would be prepared. Even though ... even though I'm sure they'll be polite, civil, they will probably have the same beliefs about magic that other Idryans do ..."
"What beliefs?" Silver asked, his voice frosty now, his grey eyes hard as flint. "That magic is evil, a disease, a plague that has to be wiped from the earth?"
"Yes," I said quietly.
"Will I have to go near them? Sit with them? Eat with them?"
"Yes," I said quietly. "Yes. I will have to talk to them and, as my guard, you would need to be close by. And ... and they will be seated at the High Table, with us, but I guess you could eat in your room --"
"Hide away? You think that I should do that? That I should hide myself away as though there is something wrong with me? Something that I should be ashamed of?"
"No! Silver, I just meant that if they were going to make you feel uncomfortable then no one would blame you if you wanted to eat in your room instead of at the table beside them."
"Of course they're going to make me uncomfortable, Candale! They come from a kingdom where people like me are burnt and tortured. They've probably been to a few burnings in their time. They probably think it's a fun day out for them." His hands had clenched into fists at his side and in his grey eyes I could see just how angry he was, while he struggled to keep it from his face. "I wish you had told me about this before I agreed to come with you. I wish I had known that this was a possibility."
"I didn't think of it. I'm sorry."
"No. There's no reason why you would. They don't mean anything to you. They'd never do anything to you. In fact, you've probably had many enjoyable meals with Idryan diplomats in the past. Shared a joke, told them a story, as though they were any other person."
"It's my duty, Silver. It's what I have to do. I don't have a choice. I'm sorry."
"No," Silver said, with a sad sigh. "It isn't your fault. You can't help it. You have to play the game of politics. You cannot possibly understand what this means to me. To you it is a barbaric tradition, that they kill innocents for their magic, that they burn people alive. For me it is an open threat. You have no idea what it is like to have someone want you dead for something that you cannot help, to have them look at you as if you are less than the dirt under their feet, less than nothing."
"No," I said. "I don't know what it is like to be looked at like that, but I do know what it's like to have people want you dead for something you can't help. You wouldn't be here if I didn't."
Silver hesitated and then he shook his head. "It isn't the same, Dale," he said sadly. "I don't think you'll ever understand."
"I can try," I said.
But Silver just shook his head and refused to say anything else to me.
***
A week later, on a bright spring day, Mayrila returned to Carnia Castle. I was in a meeting with my grandfather when she arrived and then had weapons training, a politics, and then a language, lesson to attend, so it was after supper when I was finally free to go to her rooms. I was anxious. This was my idea, yet I wanted to slip away and let someone else deal with her, only no one else could. I didn't know why I felt so nervous. Yes, Mayrila craved power, and that was a little unsettling, and she'd had an affair with my father, before he had met and married Silnia, but they still weren't reasons to feel worried about seeing her again. It just seemed to be an irrational fear, but one I couldn't help, no matter how hard I tried. It was a comfort to me that Trellany and Silver were there, especially now
that Silver had calmed down.
My grandfather met me outside the door to the chambers Mayrila had been given in the north wing. The north wing of Carnia Castle was the furthest from the dining halls and ballrooms and it was also the coldest part of the castle, so for those reasons it was unpopular. No one lived there unless they had to and those who did live there didn't spend very much time in the wing. Mayrila would be safe here. No one would know that she was here, if they hadn't seen her arrive, and I was sure my grandfather would have made sure that no one had done that.
Chesar stood beside my grandfather, waiting patiently for us, and, although I was taken aback to see him there, it did at least confirm one suspicion that I'd had, that Chesar knew exactly who and what I was. It made me feel betrayed, that my grandfather had shared my secrets with someone without asking me about it first, but, if Sorron trusted Chesar, than so did I. I would have to.
Mayrila rose to her feet when we entered the sitting room, and bowed. My breath caught in my throat to see her in the flesh again; my mother, standing there before me. She hadn't changed in the months since I'd last seen her. She was still cold and austere and impeccably dressed. "Sire," Mayrila said, "what a change from the last set of rooms I was given. How far in your favour I must have fallen." An amused smile played on her lips.
My grandfather just looked weary. "You know that isn't the case, Mayrila," he told her. "This is the only place I could put you that my son wouldn't find out."
"Keeping secrets from your family, Sorron? Is that wise? Look at how it turned out last time."
"This is different," Sorron replied. "And I'll make sure that you are well taken care of. My man-servant, Chesar, knows that you are here, as do a few of my other most trusted aides. They will make sure you have everything that you need."
"Hmm," Mayrila murmured, and then turned away from my grandfather, dismissing him, to face me. "Candale." She smiled showing her teeth. "You're looking so much better. It's good to see you have some colour in your cheeks."
"Thank you," I said, not sure what else I could say.
"But you're looking tired."