Love After Pain

by Torrie Robles

  “We never think about things like that when we’re a happy couple. Never think to ask what the other one may or may not want. We just assume. Kinda like when we love someone or care for them. There’s always the assumption they know, that they don’t need to hear the words, the reaffirmations, but they do. Everyone does.”

  “I think I may take a little more time with the people in my life and let them know that. Let them know they are loved and appreciated. The kids may see that and carry that on with them as they become adults. It’ll be good for them to learn to take the time and appreciate those in their lives.”

  “That’s a start, David.” She looks up at me, and the tears are gone. Her eyes are slightly pink and puffy, her face flushed.

  I noticed the song has stopped. I glance around, seeing that no one is on the dance floor, but then again, I’m not sure anyone else but us was dancing to begin with. Being around Olivia, I tend to get sucked into her world, into her presence. I bring my gaze back to her face, taking in the color of her eyes. Her green eye holds flecks of gold, while her blue eye that is the color of the sky on a warm summer day, is surrounded by a deep almost navy blue. How strange and unique they are. Just like her, just like Olivia. I bring my hand to her face and rub my thumb along her cheek, I can feel the wetness of her remaining tears. Instinctively, she leans in to my touch. “Livie,” I whisper, before I crush my lips to hers.

  Soft. So soft and warm. Her lips feel perfect under mine. I glide my tongue along the seam of her lips asking for entrance, for approval to deepen my kiss. I need to deepen it, to feel more of her. Her hand grabs onto my arm as she leans into me. Her mouth opens, inviting me in. Hallelujah. She tastes sweet and perfect, like heaven. I pull her to me and lift her up as I continue to devour her mouth, causing her to whimper. Olivia whimpering is the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard and I made her do that. I made Olivia Conrad whimper. “David.” She pulls away. I open my eyes and see the shocked expression on her face. Her eyes are blinking at me, her lips swollen from my assault.

  “Shit, Liv. Shit. I’m sorry.” I put her down. I see a few of the bar’s patrons looking our way. “I don’t know why I did that.”

  “I told you, it’s because I’m hot,” she says with a smile on her face.

  “Well, I’m sorry that I kissed you, if I offended you.”

  “You didn’t offend me.”

  “Well then, I’m not sorry.” I smile.

  “I hope you aren’t.” She gives me a little wink.

  22

  David

  My Dearest David,

  I’m sure you’re surprised to find this letter. I’m sure you’re wondering why I would ever write such a thing. Well, honey, what you don’t know is that I did the same thing when I was pregnant with Clare. I was so afraid something would happen to me and you would be left with so many questions. So many things that needed to be explained and I wanted to make sure that I was able to say to you what I needed to say. Just in case. The first thing I did when we got home from the hospital was take the letter I wrote you from Clare’s baby book and burned it. There was no reason for it. I hope to God that I’ll be doing the same thing with this letter as well. But if I’m not, and if you are reading this, then there are some things that you need to know, things I need to say.

  I’m not sure what happened resulting in me not being with you any longer, but whatever the circumstance; please know that I spent my every living moment loving you. I spent my last breath loving you and being thankful that I was able to live my life with you by my side. If there is a God, and I do believe there is, then I’m sure he wouldn’t have taken both me and Brody. I know he wouldn’t allow the innocent life of our son to be lost. I pray my beliefs are true and I pray that Brody is with you. I have to admit to myself that I’m not sure you’ll be able to survive the loss of both me and Brody and I need you to survive. I need you to survive for Clare because I need to live on for her through you. You are my only connection to her now. She will only remember who I am by the stories you tell her. You and I both know that as she grows up, her memory of me will fade. You’re the only one who can keep my memory alive. I need that, David; I need for my little girl to know how much I loved her. How much she meant to me and how sorry I am that I had to leave her.

  I never would have believed in love at first sight if I hadn’t met you. You made me a believer. I know you shouldn’t love someone because they are gorgeous, that it takes more than looks to make a man, but, baby, I fell deeply and completely in love with your smile. The moment you looked up at me when you were sitting at that stone table at school and smiled, I was done for. I told myself right then and there that you would be my forever. You are my forever. You, my sweet man, are my everything, I have been so blessed to have had your love.

  There is something I would like to discuss with you. Something that I need you to do. David, I need you to love again. You need to share yourself, and all the beauty that is you with someone who is worthy. Just because I’m no longer there doesn’t mean that you can no longer love. Baby, I’m telling you this with my whole heart and I mean it. Just because you’re able to find another person to spend your life with does not, in any way undermine the love you have for me. I know for a fact that if I were still there, by your side then this would never be an issue. But, David, honey, that’s not the case. I’m not sure if you’ve found this letter, I’m not sure you ever will. (Which, by the way, if you don’t then that means you aren’t filling out Brody’s baby book.) But when you feel that you’re ready, that you’re able to open your heart again, then I want you to make it happen. Give our children a mother figure, give yourself a little happiness, because you deserve it, baby. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I want you to find it. I need you to find it.

  Please teach Brody to be the man you are. Please remind him to be gentle with the hearts of girls, remind him that I’m watching and I will know if he isn’t the boy I know he’s supposed to be. Please love Clare for me, remind her that she’s my baby, that she’s a part of me. That I will always live on within her. Don’t be too hard on the boys either, but make sure that the man she chooses is worthy of her love, of her heart.

  Remember me, David. Talk to me when you need to because I’m listening. And baby, hear me. It may not always be my voice, but you have to know that I will always be by your side cheering you on, giving you the support you need to be the best father and man that I know you are. You are my everything. I am so sorry that I’m no longer there for you. I’m sorry that our kids will grow without me there physically, but I’m never far away.

  I love you.

  Kate

  I’m not sure what made me go into Brody’s nursery. Maybe it’s the fact that my kids are staying with my parents and I’m alone in the house that was once filled with the warmth of my wife and the giggles of my daughter. Maybe I’m just too chicken shit to go into my own room since it smells so much like my wife. Brody’s room is really the only place that doesn’t hold many memories of Kate. Just the few of when she was preparing the nursery for his arrival, but this is really the only part of the house that isn’t bombarded with memories of her.

  When I took Brody’s baby book down from the shelf I had no idea there was a letter waiting from me. I never had any clue that Kate had written letters for both pregnancies. I had no idea of her fear of leaving this world, of leaving me and the kids affected her. She always made her feelings known, even if she was pissed at me, there was never any hiding. Kate thought it was important to be honest and truthful in our marriage. It’s one of the reasons why I loved her so much.

  Sitting here with the letter in my hand, my body has finally calmed itself from the emotions that I felt when I saw her handwriting. Tonight was full of so many emotions. From Liv telling me about Brandon to me thinking that I could kiss her and not feel any sort of guilt. Guilt wasn’t the only thing that passed through me when my lips touched hers. There was electricity, chemistry, a feeling that I didn’t want to eve
r let stop. It was so powerful, so much more than I have ever felt with anyone. Maybe that’s why the guilt has hit so hard. Because no matter how much I loved Kate, how much she’s a part of my soul, there’s no denying that Olivia is starting to mean something to me as well.

  23

  David

  “Thanks for meeting me, Mom.”

  “It’s not a bother, David. Clare always loves coming to the park and the weather is perfect for the baby.” I feel my mother sit next to me on the park bench while I watch my daughter climb the jungle gym with a few other kids.

  “Is there something you wanted to talk about it?”

  “No. Yes. I don’t know.” I kissed a woman that isn’t my wife.

  “Well, why don’t you start from the beginning.” She has Brody’s stroller in one hand, pushing it with a slight back and forth motion, lulling my son to sleep.

  “Kate wrote me a letter and I found it last night. After I came home.”

  “From being with Olivia?”

  “How did you know—”

  “Destiny told me.”

  “I should have figured that. I don’t know why Destiny thinks it’s her place to interfere with my life when there isn’t any need for her to.”

  “Because she loves you.”

  “I could’ve sworn it’s because there isn’t anything going on in her life so she feels the need to stick her nose in mine.”

  Mom laughs. “That may be, but you can’t doubt the fact that she loves you and she just wants to see her big brother happy and enjoying life.”

  “I know.”

  “So, this letter. What did it say?”

  “That she loves me, she loves the kids and she’s sorry she isn’t here. She wrote one when she was pregnant with Clare too.”

  “That’s pretty smart of her. Many women don’t think about the what ifs when it comes to delivery. We always think that it’s going to be the happiest time in our lives. That we’re welcoming a new addition into our family. We don’t really think there is a chance or possibility that we may lose someone, let alone ourselves. I’m sure there have been many spouses, many family members that wish they had what Kate gave you.”

  “She wants me to love again.”

  “She was always a smart cookie.” I look at my mom and she just stares out at the children in the park.

  “How can she ask me to do that?”

  “How can she not? Kate was never selfish. She always put you first, then the kids. It would have been wrong of her not to let you know that she’s at peace with you loving again. No one is expecting you to love today. No one is expecting you to love tomorrow, but we are expecting you to continue on with your life. It’s not an easy task, it’s something that’s going to take some time. You’re still fairly young. You still have many more years ahead of you. There is no reason why you need to spend those years alone. Do you think you can spend the rest of your life without sex?” Was I really having this conversation?

  “I’m not saying that.”

  “So what you’re saying is that you’re going to spend the rest of your life having meaningless sex. Jumping into one bed after another? That’s not how your father and I raised you, David. I don’t care how strong your libido is. You know better than that. You know better than to show your children, your son how meaningless sex is for you. I don’t believe you will be able to do that. I don’t believe you’ve ever been that careless when it comes to sex. Even before Kate.”

  “You act like you know of my sex life.”

  “A mother knows, David.”

  This whole conversation isn’t something that I’ve ever wanted to have with my mother. I’m not even sure I had the birds and bees chat with my father. I think he just threw a box of condoms at me and told me ‘David, no glove no love’. My father has always been a man of few words. This wasn’t just about sex. This was about moving on and allowing another woman into my heart. Into a heart that was always occupied by my wife, by the years of memories. “I feel like I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “I feel like if I do decide to move on, that I’m tarnishing what Kate and I had. But if I don’t move on, then I’m letting her down. That I’m letting my children down, because I’m blocking their chance at having a mother figure.”

  “What happened with Olivia last night?”

  “We talked. She opened up to me. Told me some things that made me realize she and I are a lot alike. We have been through similar situations.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “What do you mean how do I feel about that? It was a shock hearing what she’s been through. It was sad and it made me see that there is a possibility that I can survive, that I can live with the grief.”

  “David, it’s not a possibility, it’s a fact. You’ll continue on and be happy again. You’ll learn to love again, and there will come a day when you think back on this time and realize that although bleak, it was never impossible. The question is never about surviving. You are surviving. We all survive after we go through the type of loss that you’re experiencing. The question is—how do we accept it when this happens? How do we accept and move on? Don’t ever question if you can survive. You prove that you survive every day you wake up. What you need to come to realize is that it’s time to accept Kate’s death and move on. Move on, son.”

  “You make it sound so easy. Can you tell me you would just move on if you lost dad?” I see my mother physically flinch at the thought of losing my father.

  “Well, that’s a loaded question now isn’t it? At what stage in our marriage would I have lost him? When you and your sister were young? Recently? Because I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that your father is the love of my life. There will never be a man who could ever take his place. If the good Lord took him from this earth tomorrow, I would spend the rest of my days mourning the loss. If he was taken when we were younger, when you kids were little then I know that I would have tried to find love again. Not just for me, but for you kids. Love is precious, David, you know that. Look at all the happiness loving Kate brought to your life. She gave you more than you ever thought possible. More than you ever wanted. Don’t you want that again? Don’t you want to feel the love, the butterflies, the anticipation of it all?”

  “There are some moments when I can, that I think it will get easier. Then I’m slammed with a memory of Kate. I see her eyes, her smile. I smell her and I think these are things that I may never want to get over.”

  “Maybe not, maybe you’ll never totally get over the loss of her. That’s okay too. But it doesn’t mean you can’t love again.” She looks at me. “What do you think of Olivia?”

  “She’s nice, patient. She’s great with the kids. She’s helped me a lot these past few days. Without asking she’s been there.”

  “She’s beautiful.”

  “That she is. She’s spunky, feisty. She has so much strength.”

  “It’s okay to feel for her, David. Don’t you think Kate would want that for you? Don’t you think Kate would love for someone like Olivia to be there for you? To help with the kids?”

  “She’s not Kate.” Once the words left my mouth I hear a gasp come from behind me. I don’t have to turn to know that it was Olivia, that I’m sure she just heard me tell my mother that she wasn’t Kate. I turn to see her standing directly behind me. “Olivia.” She doesn’t wait. I see the pain in her eyes as she turns and rushes away.

  “Go after her, son. I’ve got the kids. You go get your happiness.”

  24

  Olivia

  Why do those words hurt me so much? Why does being compared to his wife feel like a stab in the gut? Why am I crying? This is why I stay closed off, why I don’t ever allow myself to feel. Since Brandon’s death it’s always been about the physical contact, the sex, the act. There’s never been any feelings on my end, not until now. Not until David smiled at me, and I saw him broken and bleeding, just wanting to fin
d his peace. A peace that I thought I could give him. But I can’t. I’m not Kate. I’m not his wife, the mother of his kids and it was stupid of me to think that he could see me as more. Christ, it’s only been six almost seven months since his wife passed. I’m going on years, years since I lost Brandon and I just now feel like I’m ready to love again. That I’m ready to risk my heart again.

  I walk faster as I hear his footsteps grow closer to me. I need to get out of this park. I shouldn’t have told Destiny about our meeting last night or asked her what she thought. I shouldn’t have come here thinking we could pick up where we left off, it was stupid of me. “Olivia.” I hear David yell my name. Finally, my car. With shaking hands I grab my key fob and unlock it. Opening the door, I think I’m safe from more humiliation only to be stopped by his hand. “Wait, Olivia. You need to let me explain.” I don’t want to hear his explanations. I don’t want to hear why I’m not Kate. I especially don’t want him to see me crying.

  I feel his hand on my upper arm begin to turn me around. My car door shuts but I refuse to look up in his eyes. I don’t want to see pity there or for him to feel sorry for me. This isn’t his fault. It’s mine. It’s all on me because I let myself believe the kiss we shared last night meant more than it did. “Why did you run?” I don’t answer. “Olivia, why did you run?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Look at me, Livie.” His hand slips under my chin and lifts my head up. “Why would you leave without letting me explain? You only heard half. I only got to say half.”

  “I don’t need to hear anything else.” I pull my face from his grip. “I don’t want to hear anything else. It was wrong of me to walk up without letting you know I was there. You were having a private conversation with your mother. I shouldn’t have interrupted.”