Love After Pain

by Torrie Robles

  27

  David

  “What do you want to do tonight, Bink?” I ask Clare as I set Brody along with his car seat in the living room. I’m blessed that kid loves to sleep in the car. As soon as his car seat is locked in tight, his eyes close and he’s out like a light.

  “I want to eat pizza and watch Frozen.” She tugs on the refrigerator door.

  “Here, let me help you.” I open the door and grab the juice. I hand her the half empty bottle and watch her grab herself a cup from the dishwasher and pour the juice. Not even spilling it. These little acts tell me she’s growing up. I know it’s something small, but the act, in itself is pretty huge.

  “Can you call Miss Olivia and ask her if she wants to come over?”

  “Sure, um I don’t have her number, but I’ll call Auntie Destiny.”

  Olivia has been in our lives for a while now. But I still haven’t asked for her number. I know it’s such a stupid thing not to ask for. She spends time with my daughter, getting her phone number is not a big deal, but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to ask. The fact that she hasn’t asked for mine hasn’t gone unnoticed either.

  “I want to call Auntie Dee.” Not wanting to argue, I press Destiny’s name and wait for it to start ringing. Once it starts I hand Clare my phone. “Hi, it’s Clare.” She looks up at me nodding her head.

  “Clare, you need to speak into the phone. Auntie Dee can’t see you nodding your head.”

  “Daddy’s here, he knows I have his phone. Yes, everything’s okay. No, Brody isn’t hurt. He’s sleeping. No silly, Daddy isn’t being a stinky head.” I shake my head, this is the kind of conversation Destiny has with my daughter. “Um, I wanted to know if Miss Olivia was there with you. I wanted to see if she could come over tonight to watch a movie. Yes, he said it was okay if she came over. No, he didn’t say that you could come over. Do you want me to ask him?”

  Clare continues to stand there swinging her body back and forth, while she chats on the phone. This scene before me is a glimpse into my future, I just know it. Instead of my sweet little girl on my phone she’s going to be a spiteful teen on her own cell phone. She’ll probably complain about my parenting skills or lack thereof, her teachers, or how the boy in front of her in history stinks like B.O. and she just can’t stand it. I can see her now; eyes rolling, flipping her hair over her shoulder, popping her hip out when she’s trying to give attitude. And it will be me who will have to deal with it. I’m not equipped to deal with it. I may know what patterns go with what patterns, but that’s as far as my estrogen bone goes. There’s no way in hell I’m going to survive when Clare turns into the moody teenager I know she’ll be. Destiny is an outstanding adult, but Destiny as a teenager? I’m not sure how any of us survived the terror that was her with braces, training bras, and acne.

  “Daddy.” Clare is tugging on my shirt holding my phone out for me to grab.

  “Destiny?” I ask as I bring the phone to my ear.

  “No, it’s Olivia. I was in my office and Destiny handed me her cell. Is there something wrong? Are the kids okay?”

  “Yes, they’re fine. Clare wanted you to come over tonight for dinner and movie.”

  “Clare wanted?”

  “Yes, and Brody, I guess.”

  “Your son, who is only, what? Seven months old wants me to come over tonight for dinner and a movie.”

  “Why are you making it out to be more than what it is, Liv?”

  “Well I’d like to know if their father wants me there. Because if he doesn’t want me over for a family night of pizza and a movie, then I won’t come. Even if the kids want me to.”

  “I want you to come, Liv. Come over tonight for dinner and a movie.”

  “Okay, you don’t have to beg. I’ll be there in a while. Make sure you order pizza with lots of olives. I love olives.”

  28

  Olivia

  “Do you think it’s a good idea you hanging out with David and the kids tonight?” Destiny asks as I hand her the phone.

  “Yes. Why wouldn’t it be?”

  “Livie, in the years that I’ve known you, I have never seen you go hang out at a guy’s house.”

  “So?”

  “Isn’t that a little too domesticated for you?”

  “Jesus Destiny, I’m not picking out color swatches, I’m just going over there for dinner and a movie.” She doesn’t move. “A kids movie.” Still nothing. “Do you really think I would do anything to hurt Clare or Brody?”

  “No, of course not. But they have lost so much already.”

  “Why do you think I can’t handle spending some more time with them? I’m practically there every morning making sure your niece isn’t the laughing stock of her elementary school.”

  “I know, I know. But I also know that you don’t do the feelings thing, and this move right here seems very much like a feeling thing.”

  “Maybe I’m tired of the no feeling thing, Destiny. Have you ever thought of that?”

  “That’s great that you’re ready to finally move on and be in a grown-up relationship, but I don’t think starting with my brother is the best first step.”

  “It’s just dinner and movie.”

  “Right.” Destiny didn’t sound too convinced.

  29

  David

  “I’ll get it!” I hear Clare yell after the door bell rings. Since the pizza has already arrived, I figure it’s Olivia at the door and since I’m elbow deep in smashed peas and carrots, I’ll just have to pray it isn’t an intruder here to rob us blind. I hear the stomping of Clare’s feet on the hardwood floors coming my way. This is a good sign; I’ve kept my family safe for another night. “Miss Olivia’s here. Can we start the movie now?”

  “Why don’t we wait, sweetie. Let your dad finish feeding your brother.”

  I look over my shoulder and see Olivia standing there with Clare’s arms wrapped around her waist. Dr. Bernstein says that I avoid instead of approaching my problems head on, which is hard for me to comprehend seeing that I’m an attorney and that’s what we do. We handle the problems our clients have. But I guess it’s the problems in my personal life that I like to avoid. Give me a legal problem, and I’ll make that thing my bitch, give me a problem of the heart, and you may see me run in the other direction.

  “Why don’t you get yourself a plate?” I tell Olivia just as Brody decides to spit the remaining peas at the side of my face.

  She lets out a small laugh, “Do you need any help?”

  “No, don’t you think one casualty of Brody’s food spittle to the eye is enough? I would never put you in harm’s way. Peas and carrots can sting like nobody’s business. I wouldn’t want those gorgeous eyes turning red.”

  *

  Dinner and a movie was a complete success. Maybe Elsa’s right, and sometimes you just need to ‘let it go’. You can’t change the past, but you can make sure you have the type of future you want. I know what I want. I just don’t know when the right time to make it happen is, or if I have the ability to make it happen. Do I want to spend the rest of my life wearing gloves because I’m afraid to be the person I truly am? Jesus, I really need to start watching some R rated movies because these kids’ movies are really starting to mess with my head. I think maybe I need to join a men’s club. Maybe I can befriend some of the guys at work. More than just the occasional ‘hello, how’s it hanging?’

  “What are you thinking?” Olivia asks, breaking into my thoughts.

  She’s sitting next to me on the couch, her legs folded while she gives Brody his bedtime bottle. The kid is fast asleep, but I don’t have the heart to pull him from her. “You don’t want to know and I’ll never admit to it.”

  “Are you realizing that you need more adult interaction? Are you starting to analyze your life by the masterpiece that is Disney?”

  “I will not confirm nor deny.” I look down at Brody. “Let me take Brody from you and put him to bed.”

  “I want to do it. Is that okay?�
�� She seems unsure.

  “Go for it. I’ll put Clare to bed.” I look over and see Clare watching an episode of Dog with a Blog. “Come on, Bink. Let’s get you to bed.”

  I follow both Clare and Olivia down the hall. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask her as I touch her shoulder.

  “Don’t worry, I’ve changed a diaper before. I got this covered.”

  *

  I walk into the living room to find Olivia back in the same spot on the couch. She’s flipping through the stations. “What do you want to watch?”

  “I really don’t care, as long as its not the real housewives. Because in my opinion they are neither real or housewives. How can you be a housewife when you are single? I don’t get it?”

  “I have the same feelings on the subject. It amazes me the crap they put on television today. We’re advancing in every other department known to man and then we screw it all up by flaunting the fact we have teenage moms, families who just keep popping out the kids so they get more ratings and women whose main concern is which Jimmy Choo’s look right with what Prada dress.”

  The television remains muted and we sit in silence. “You know, the night I met you, I wanted to tell you I was sorry about your loss.” I look over to Olivia who’s staring at the muted television.

  “Olivia—”

  “No, wait.” She put her hand up. “I wanted to tell you that I was sorry and that I knew how you felt. Not because my education tells me how to handle your situation, but because I was truly sorry. But I remembered how unsupportive it was when I heard it over and over again when my parents and Brandon died. It was like a broken record and I didn’t want you to remember me by being a broken record.”

  “I appreciate that. I’m sorry for saying otherwise when you were trying to help me.”

  “I know what anger can do to a person. I don’t hold your outburst against you, believe me.”

  “Does it really get easier?”

  “It does. It just never goes away.” She stares at me for a moment. “I’ve spent so much of my time thinking that I couldn’t survive another loss. To me, I was protecting my heart by not connecting with anyone. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I wasn’t protecting my heart, I was closing myself off to being able to live, fully.”

  “Was there ever guilt?”

  “Totally, all the time. I felt guilty for surviving, for living when the ones I loved weren’t. It was the worst I looked into the eyes of Brandon’s parents and saw the pain they were going through because they lost their only son. But you, David, you need to remember that you have so much to live for. Your children have lost so much and they don’t need to lose their father too. They don’t need to continue to see a shell of a man. You need to live. You need to love.”

  “I’m trying Liv, I really am.”

  30

  David

  “Fuck me, David. Make me come around your cock,” Olivia whispers in my ear. I feel her beneath me, writhing in lust. Looking for me to give her a much needed climax. My need to give it to her is mind-boggling. Never have I felt the desire to bring a woman so much pleasure. Her tiny body responds to me as if I’m the only one who can give her this. It’s me, I’m the only one who can give it to her. I’m the only one she’s allowed into her heart and I’m not going to take that for granted. The gratification I feel knowing I’m the only one she’s allowed in since her fiancé’s death stuns me. I slide into her, she’s so wet and ready to take me. I continue to push, feeling her cunt grip me as she circles her hips below me. Her moan sets off a fire in my cock. The primal instinct kicks in and I feel the need to possess her. I need this woman like I need my next breath. If she isn’t mine, if she isn’t in my life I’ll be lost. She’s my reason to believe in hope. She’s my reason to look at my future with light and clarity. She wraps her legs around my waist and I push into her harder.

  “Olivia, Olivia you feel so good. Damn, baby, you were made for me. This body was made to be wrapped around me.”

  I pull out and she whimpers, but arches her back when I push back inside of her. Her small frame beneath me is the most spectacular view I’ve ever witnessed. Her breasts bounce perfectly as I continue to thrust into her. Her golden hair is fanned across my pillow. Her eyes peer deeply into mine as I take her. The look on her face is one of complete euphoria. I put that look on her face, I did that. “You’re mine, baby, mine.”

  “Yes, David. Yes, I’m yours, only yours.”

  “Miss Olivia, you’re here.”

  The sound of Clare screaming Olivia’s name when I was just picturing Olivia screaming mine unnerves me. I really want to continue to replay last night’s dreams I had of Olivia, in my bed. Not only did I come to the best spank bank fantasy to end all spank bank fantasies, but it seems that my subconscious didn’t end there. I dreamed of Olivia last night. I dreamed that I made love to her, that I fucked her from here to kingdom come. Yeah, come. My dreams were so real that I literally came on myself like some goddamn teenager. I woke with the feeling of my cum hitting my stomach and my hand firmly gripping myself. This lack of sex is starting to get to me. A man can only jack off so many times before he goes insane. I just may be at that point. “What are you staring at?” I hear Olivia ask me from behind.

  “Not staring at anything. Just looking.” Looking out the French doors of my kitchen seems to be the norm. I tend to get lost in my thoughts in the mornings. Going over the day ahead, what I need to get accomplished. What can I do to make my day easier? What I should I pick up or make for dinner? If Brody needs anything, or if he’s good on diapers, if Clare is fine with what she has or needs to do. But not today. Today I’m caught up in lust. In how it would feel to have Olivia panting beneath me. “How are you doing this morning?” I ask but I don’t dare look at her. I don’t dare allow her to see the flush of my skin and the hardening of my cock. I’m sure there will be questions that I don’t really have the answers for.

  “Why are you not looking at me?”

  “No reason.” Please dick, please go down. Think of something, my mom think of my mom, my always loving always knowing mother.

  “Where’s Brody?”

  “In his jumper in the hall.”

  “David, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” Mom, mom, mom. I finally turn to look at her. “Nothing’s wrong.”

  “Are you feeling okay? You look flushed.” I knew she would see it. “Are you getting sick, because if you are, I can take the kids so they don’t catch it.” She steps towards me while I step away. There is no way I can trust myself with her touching me right now. I may tell Clare she’s going to be late while I pick Olivia up over my shoulder and hoist her on the nearest bed. The need to bury myself in her is overwhelming. Damn brain, damn testosterone, fucking cock.

  “I’m fine, Liv. Don’t worry about me.”

  “Are you sure? Because you’re acting kind of funny. If you want me to leave, David, just tell me. I’m only here because I like to make sure the kids are alright.”

  “Well if I had your number then I would be able to tell you these things without you wasting your time by driving over here every morning.” That didn’t come out right.

  “Oh, well. You don’t want me coming over here? I just thought…” The panic is evident over her face. I’ve said it all wrong. “No, Livie.” I step toward her. “I do want you coming by. I’ve come to depend on you. Clare has come to count on you and Brody just lights up when he sees you. I’m just saying after all these weeks, we’ve never thought to exchange numbers. We’ve been playing phone tag through my sister. Or you just show up out of the blue unannounced, not that you coming by unannounced bothers me. I’m fine with it. But don’t you think it’s time that we speak one on one and leave Des out.”

  “I guess you’re right.” She gives a little laugh and smiles. “I never thought of it actually. It just felt right going through your sister or mom. But yeah, sure, give me your phone and I’ll program my number in.” She takes my phone enters
her number and then calls herself from my phone. “Alright, all set.” She hands me back my phone.

  “Thanks, Liv.”

  “Yeah, no problem. Are you sure everything is okay? You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m here if you need me.” She has been here, she’s right about that.

  “No, no, I’m good. Look I need to get on the road. I’m meeting with my new work partner today and I need to get them abreast.” My eyes flick to her chest. “I mean in the loop of my cases. Just in case.

  “Did you just check out my cleavage?”

  “No, maybe. Christ, I don’t know. It’s been a strange night and morning for me, Olivia. Please don’t bust my balls about it.” At the word ‘balls’ Olivia’s eyes move slightly south. Our height difference makes her eyes closer to my crotch then my eyes are to her tits. The movement was slight, but I definitely saw it. “It seems like I’m not the only one who is checking things out, now am I, Miss Olivia.”

  “Oh can it, David and get to work. I’ll take care of the kids. Just leave Brody’s seat by my car before you go.”

  31

  David

  “I have to tell you, David, I was surprised when you requested another associate. I wasn’t aware there was any tension among the ranks.” Robert Keller sits behind his desk. He received the email I sent late last night in regards to me being paired up with another associate. I may have been a little hasty in my decision, but I just wanted something in my life to be less stressful and seeing as though my work and reputation may suffer because of the tension between me and my work buddy, I felt it was time.

  “It’s not that at all, Robert. I just feel that I need to work with someone who I can trust my clients with if the time may arise when I’m not able to attend to their needs. Henry is a fine associate, but there are just some things that he and I don’t agree upon and I don’t want that to trickle down to the clients.”