“So you haven’t heard the kids tell Clare her Mom died because she wasn’t a good daughter? That if she was prettier than her mother would want to stay? Because those things are what Clare has to live through on a daily basis. I’m actually surprised she has come a far as she has in her grief and coming to terms with everything because Lord knows this school does nothing to help.”
I’ve heard enough. There was no way this was going to continue without my involvement. “Excuse me.” I walk into the room.
“Well, Mr. McAllister, I’m glad you can finally join us.”
“I was out of town on business.” I don’t bother to look at the teacher. “What are you doing here, Olivia?” This wasn’t her place.
“Oh, well, they called you and your phone was off.”
“I was flying.”
“Yeah, I get that. Your mother had Brody down for a nap. Your father was out of town for the day and Destiny had a high risk session today, so she couldn’t break away. So I offered.” I didn’t acknowledge the information she’d just given me. I turned to the teacher. “What seems to be the problem?”
“Clare broke down in class today. She kept saying that her Mommy died and her daddy was going to be next. “Don’t you think another child put those thoughts in her head?” Olivia asked.
“I’m not sure what brought this on, all I know is that it took me twenty minutes to calm the class down and that was after it took me several minutes to get her calmed down enough so she could escort herself down to the office.”
“You made a grieving child walk by herself to the office?”
“Yes, Mr. McAllister. I have a class to run and her acting out has become troublesome. This isn’t the first time we’ve had issues with Clare, this is just the first time we’ve brought it to your attention. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed her withdrawing.”
“For your information. My daughter has come a long way since she found out her mother was dead. She has grown leaps and bounds in her personal life. You can ask anyone who spends time with her. If you think she’s still having issues then maybe you need to realize that it may be this school and these kids that are the problem.”
“She’s told me a couple of kids give her a hard time.”
I look at Olivia as the information sinks in. “Did you not think it was important to tell me that?”
“It was during our sessions, David. You know that I can’t discuss that with. you. Not until I believe it will be a physical threat to Clare. That’s why Destiny and I encourage her to talk to you about the therapy, and for you to ask.”
I don’t ask, I know that. I always thought it was best I didn’t pry.
Maybe I was wrong for that.
“Either way, I should have known my daughter was being bullied.” I looked at the teacher. “And you should have known that one of your students was being bullied by peers in your class. I would hate to open a lawsuit because you were too blind to see the actions that are happening right underneath your nose. I’m sure the principal and the school district would like to know about this.”
“Mr. McAllister, there is no need to jump to those types of conclusions.
Children can be mean these days. I can assure I will make sure that Clare is no longer being bullied. You need to talk to her, Mr. McAllister, I can only do so much. The rest needs to happen at home. She needs—”
“We will make sure Clare gets all the help and support she needs. Let’s go, David. I’ll fill you in on the rest.” Olivia stalks out of the room, while the dimwit of a teacher sits at her desk, shuffling papers.
I follow Olivia out of the classroom, down the hall and out the front doors to the parking lot. “Can you tell me where Clare is?”
“She’s at the afterschool program in room twelve. I didn’t have anywhere to keep her while I met with her teacher.”
“You shouldn’t have met with her teacher at all. There is no reason for you to be here, Olivia.”
“I already told you. I’m just trying to help.”
“Just the other night you told me you needed time, and the next thing I know, you’re at my daughter’s school having a parent teacher conference. Well here’s a news flash, Olivia, you aren’t her parent. You aren’t her mother and you have no right trying to be.”
“Believe me, I know that. You don’t have to be a dick about it. Just because I may not be ready to try whatever is going on between us, doesn’t mean I don’t care or want to be there for the kids.”
“You can’t have it both ways. Olivia.”
“Oh my God, you are so damn infuriating! This has nothing to with us.
This is making sure that the kids have the support system that they need to thrive, David.”
“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I want that for the kids? You don’t think I want them to be normal and have happy memories? I’m doing whatever I can do to be the best father I can. I’m trying to do the best I can, Kate!”
The name comes out of my mouth before I could hold it back. I can see the shock on Olivia’s face. She tries not to let it affect her, but I can tell. I can see the pain flash in her eyes. She straightens her back and squares her shoulders. She takes a few steps towards me. Being so close and our height difference she cranes her neck, making eye contact with me. Her voice is low, proving a point with her tone. “And you wonder why I asked for time. Because when you look at me, I want you to see me. Olivia. Not your dead wife, David. Because as bitchy as it sounds, she’s not coming back and I refuse to live my life in the shadow of a ghost. Now, go get your daughter.”
She turns on her heel and slips into her car, never looking back.
47
David
NINE MONTHS
It’s been one month since Olivia and I had the fight in the parking lot of Clare’s school. Unfortunately, to make things worse, room twelve faced the parking lot, so not only did Clare see us arguing, she was able to hear most of everything we said. The incident put her back a little bit in her progress. The whole situation was something I wanted to forget, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget and I couldn’t take back the words that I said to Olivia. You know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well they couldn’t be more right. I miss her, I miss her smile and I miss the way she allowed me to feel. “David. She’s ready for you,” the receptionist says as she slides the glass window closed.
I walk down the hall entering Dr. Bernstein’s office. Her door is cracked so I walk in without knocking. “Please shut the door.” she says while she types notes into her computer. I take my seat and wait for her to finish. The sun is shining today. It’s days like these that I enjoy sitting in her office. Her view really is breathtaking. I would love to have something like this in my office. But I only see building after building. “So how are you doing?” She’s sitting, perched on her usual chair. I didn’t noticed she had moved.
“I’m great. Work’s good. The kids are doing good. Things are as they should be.”
“Any improvement in your love life? Have you spoken to Olivia since I saw you last?”
“No, I haven’t. She’s still spending time with Clare, and that’s what’s important. Her happiness, not mine.”
“So what you’re saying is that you aren’t happy? Although the kids are doing well, work is good, you, yourself aren’t happy.”
“I think the days of my happiness being important are over. That’s one of the things you lose when you become a parent.”
“So you weren’t happy with Kate then?”
“Of course I was happy. Kate and the kids were my life.”
“So you admit that as a parent, you can be happy.”
“I think you are misconstruing my words. I’m happy my children are alive and healthy. I smile when I see Brody doing something new. Watching him complete his milestones make me happy. Seeing Clare draw, hearing her sing, and listening to her tell me her stories make me happy. So Doctor, you’re right, I’m happy.”
“But you
aren’t happy in love.”
“That isn’t a surprise, not everyone who may be happy are in love. I was happy before Kate and I will be happy after.”
“David, over the past months, what has it been now, nine?”
“Yes.”
“You have come a long way. You came to me very angry.”
“I’m still angry. I’m angry that I have to deal with the heartache. That I just can’t allow myself to let my heart feel what it wants. That I have to constantly remind myself that I have to keep going. I can’t just stop because I have two children who depend on me.”
“You may still be angry, but you are nowhere near as furious as you were. You have to agree with that.”
“Yes, I agree.”
“You have come such a long way. It’s my professional opinion that you are going through the stages of grief at the appropriate pace. It may not have been in the order in which others may think was the right way, but needless to say, it was right for you. Anger is so very powerful. There isn’t a lot of good that comes out of it. But I don’t want the anger to rule your life. The grief, the pain of loss will always be there. Kate was your wife, your other half, but that does not mean because she’s gone will you never feel whole again. It is possible for you to love again. To feel what you felt before. It will be different as no two loves are the same. We love others for different reasons. You may find someone who excels in things that Kate lacked, and vice versa, but it can happen. You are the captain of your life. You have the control.”
“I didn’t have the control nine months ago.”
“That’s right, you didn’t. But you have the control on how you will live the rest of your life. Love is worth the risk. Your overall happiness is worth the risk. David, your wife is gone. But you are very much alive and I think it’s time that you start living and stop just existing.”
48
David
The afternoon is gloomier than normal. The clouds cover the blue hue of the Bay Area sky. The cemetery isn’t the typical place one can find comfort, not unless the one person who you’ve always sought comfort in, now lies beneath it’s cool soil. As I walk towards Kate’s grave, I can see from the distance that her gravesite is completely grown in. It looks as though it’s been there for years and not just months. That thought tugs at my heart.
My meeting with Dr. Bernstein continues to run through my head. I squat down in front of her headstone clearing the leaves that have gathered at its base. I brush the smooth stone, cleaning it of the dirt. “Hi Kate.” My voice is soft, so just she can hear it. “I’m having a hard time convincing the people in my life that I’m happy. That the happiness of the kids is enough for me. Why do so many people want me to be selfish, Kate? Why do they want me to have what I feel that I don’t deserve?” I take a breath, absorbing the new found knowledge. “That’s it, isn’t? I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy in all aspects of my life. Why should I be the one to see my children grow, to be able to love another woman, when you aren’t able to do those things? We had a plan, Kate. We were supposed to grow old together, to see our children grow into adults that we could be proud of, and now it’s just me. I’m afraid to let you go. That’s what this is all about. I don’t want to let you go. But I know I need to. I know you would want me to.”
I turn around and sit back against the headstone. I close my eyes, willing myself to be able to feel her arms wrap around me. I breathe in, remembering her scent, allowing it to roll over me, calming me. Even though I still have her perfume bottles displayed on our dresser, it’s nothing like when her perfume was combine with Kate. Kate made the scent all the more beautiful.
I can tell that I’ve been here a while. The clouds have come and gone, the sun is resting lower in the sky. I’m at peace here. More so than I have been anywhere since the day Kate was taken from me. I feel whole, as though she is here with me, comforting me. I hear the sound of footsteps as someone walks along the row of headstones behind me. The knowledge that I’m no longer alone irritates me. I wasn’t ready for my time with Kate to end. The wind picks up, blowing the trees in the distance, making the leaves tumble across the grass, drawing a familiar scent through the air. It’s then, when I hear her voice, I know who’s in the cemetery with me.
49
Olivia
“Hey Brandon,” I sit Indian-style in front of the headstone of my dead fiancé. How many years will have to pass until I can just call him Brandon? I wonder when I’ll finally feel ready to drop fiancé from his title. “I know it’s been while. I know there isn’t an excuse about me not coming to visit, but what can I say, I’ve been busy.” Yeah that doesn’t make the guilt any less. “I always told myself that I didn’t need to come here. That you were always with me, so why did I have to come here, where your bones are to feel you, because I always felt you with me? Through my darkest times I’ve felt you by my side, but I guess that didn’t matter because instead of making you proud, I became weak and almost failed you. But I got strong, Brandon. I got strong for you, and then I continued to be strong for me.” The wind picks up, making me draw the jacket closer around my body.
“I don’t feel you anymore. I guess that’s why I’m here. I guess I thought if you weren’t going to come to me, then I guess I needed to come to you. Now don’t start. You have nothing to worry about. I’m not going back to that place. I haven’t been there in a long time and I have no desire to ever go back to that dark place. I have too much to live for, I guess. I have a practice and kids that depend on me.”
“I met someone. Well I guess I didn’t meet him, meet him. I was introduced to him, and no it wasn’t like that. He’s the brother of my partner, Destiny. No, it wasn’t like hey, come meet my brother because he’s hot. It was more like, hey why don’t you meet my brother because his life sucks right now and you know all about life sucking. Is that why I can’t feel you anymore, Brandon? Is it because I’ve met David? Is this your way of telling me that I’ve finally found the one I’m supposed to with?”
“God, Brandon, I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. I’ve protected myself from those feelings for so long, and I have to tell you, I’ve been extremely lonely. I’m not blaming you, I take full responsibility when it comes to my loneliness. I’m the one who was too scared for far too long. I’ve allowed life to pass me by, but I’m kinda glad that I did. If I would’ve allowed love into my life earlier, then I may not have found David, Clare and Brody. I have to tell you, Brandon, I really see my life with them.”
“Seeing my life with them, geez that’s a hoot. It’s been a month since I’ve seen him. I pushed, I inserted myself into his life when he wasn’t ready. Me. I of all people should know it takes time. Look at all the years that it’s taken me to be ready to move on from you, and we were just kids when you were taken from me. He lost his wife, his kids lost their mother and here I am thinking that I’m enough for them. That I would ever be enough for him and those kids. Maybe him pushing me away is good. I don’t know, Brandon. I really wish you would help me out here. Give me some sort of a sign of what the right thing to do is.”
The chill in the air brings me back to the present. I’ve spent far too long living in the past and not living for now. “I love you, Brandon. You will always be a part of me, but you’re no longer my future and never can be.” I kiss his name. The coldness of the stone causes chills to roll through my body. My visit was good. But now, now it’s time to go home and live. I stand up take one last look at the headstone of Brandon and head to my car. Glancing to the right, a silhouette of a man catches my eye, it looks so much like David.
50
David
“Mom, Dad?” I walk into my parent’s house without knocking. It’s been one of those days, you know the ones when you wish you can have a do-over. I should have known when Brody projectile vomited all over me and my suit this morning that I should have just called in sick. The day didn’t get any better. Clients seem to be less than happy lately. The office isn’t a pleasant envi
ronment when they have clients up their asses. Mine are no different. It’s either feast or famine.
It’s days like these when I used to go home and have Kate’s embrace bring me back to where I would rather be. Her love and the way she was able to talk me back to sanity was what I always craved when the day at the office had been more hell than heaven. Now, I take solace in the arms of my seven year-old. Eight in a month, as Clare likes to remind me. When her arms wrap around my neck, the hell I walked through that day seems to just fade away.
“I’m here, son.” I hear my dad’s voice coming from the kitchen. “Just heading out to the garage. You want to join me?” I follow my dad outside.
“Where are the kids?”
I lean against the truck my father has parked in their three car garage. My action earns me a eyebrow raise, but I don’t budge. This was his first truck. The first thing purchased when he started earning money as a kid. He saved every penny he earned so he could buy this thing. It still ran too. He called it his weekend driver.
“Brody’s sleeping. Poor boy still isn’t feeling great. Your mother thinks it’s his teeth.”
“His teeth? I checked them last night and I didn’t see any more coming through.”
“I’m just repeating what your mother told me. Don’t shoot the messenger.”
“Where’s Mom and Clare?”
“She took Clare shopping. I thought it would give us some ‘guy time’.”
Guy time? We haven’t had guy time since I was a teen and he wanted to give me ‘the talk’. That was the last time he requested ‘guy time’.
“Dad, you realize I already know about the birds and the bees, right?”
“Don’t be a smart ass.” He starts arranging his tools. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“You wanted to talk to me, or Mom wanted you to talk to me? I’m not in the mood to be berated, Dad. I’ve had a shit day.”
Love After Pain Page 18