“Son, I would never berate you for anything. I’m proud of the man you’ve become. I’m proud that you’re a loving, hardworking, loyal man. There’s nothing that I would change when it comes to you.”
“Thank you.”
“But son, I think your loyalty is working against you as of late.” He turns from his workbench crossing his arms over his chest. “As your father, I never want to see you suffer. And you’ve suffered more than anyone should have to. I wouldn’t even know where to start if what happened to you, happened to me. Your life has been ripped apart and instead of being able to grieve, you had to continue to live and be there for Clare. You had to be there for an infant in more ways than fathers are used to. But to do that, you’ve put your life on hold, David.”
“I’m a father, Dad. What else was I supposed to do? It’s not about me. It’s about the kids.”
“It can’t be just about the kids.”
“I don’t have the luxury to be selfish when the kids have no one else to lean on.”
“You know that’s not true, son. You have us as a support system. I thought your mother, sister and I made that pretty clear. We’ve been here for you every step of the way, have we not?”
“Yes, of course.” That was something I couldn’t deny. My family has been pretty amazing through this whole nightmare.
“We will always be here. But you need more than us. You need to have that one person you can lean on when you need it. You need that person to share things with, things that your parents should never know about.”
“I had that.”
“Yes, you did. But just because Kate is gone doesn’t mean your happiness is gone with her. Don’t you think the kids need that mother figure in their lives?”
“They have Mom and Destiny.”
“That’s true, but are they enough? I won’t deny they are incredible women. God broke the mold when he made those two. But they are Grammy and Auntie D to those kids. They can’t be anything more.”
“No one will ever be able to replace Kate. She’s their mother. There will never be anyone who will hold that special place in their hearts, even Brody.”
“Don’t you think Brody has the right to call someone Mom? You say it’s all about the kids, but is it really?”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“Your loyalty towards Kate is misplaced. She isn’t here anymore, your loyalty needs to shift from Kate as a person to Kate as a memory. You should always be loyal to her memory, to what she stood for, for the love she had for you and the kids. But you can’t continue to be loyal to a wife who no longer exists.”
Those words hit me like a mac truck. “She will always exist to me.”
“Will she, or her memory? I think that’s where you’re confusing things, son.”
My father is a smart man. I’ve never doubted it. It will never matter how old I become, he will always be the smartest man I know.
“How? How do I go from loving her wholeheartedly to loving her memory and moving on with my life?”
“You just do, son, a little at a time. You surround yourself with people who will keep the memory of Kate alive with you. You find the person who will be able to love you for you and the kids. You find the person who will never be jealous of the love you shared with Kate because it’s what brought Clare and Brody into their life. Any woman would be lucky to have you and those kids in their lives. And because of that, they will cherish Kate and what she created. They will never feel jealousy towards her, only gratitude.”
51
David
My father’s words resonated through my mind as I drove. He was right. I had to switch my way of thinking, and move on. I had to live my life fully and in the present. I couldn’t continue to live as though me moving on was an insult to Kate or her memory. Denying myself full happiness and the unconditional love my kids deserve wasn’t right. Would I want Brody to grow up without a father figure? Someone to teach him to be a man, someone he can look up to. As much as I hate thinking of another man raising my son, knowing that he was looked after when I was no longer able to do it would bring me peace.
When he told me to open my eyes because his words didn’t just describe any woman, but a certain woman, I knew who he was talking about it. It’s the reason why I’m sitting in front of her house now. Walking up to the door, I figured I would feel nervous, but I don’t. My mind’s made up, my heart is happy with my decision and I’m at peace with where I’ve decided I want my life to go. She may reject me, hell she may have moved on. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. It would be completely, one hundred percent my fault.
I can hear music flowing from her house as I approach. This structure doesn’t just house Olivia, it shelters the future. I know now, she is my future. She’s what I’ve been running from since the first moment I saw her tiny frame walk into my life. She’s taken my heart without me even knowing and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I knock and wait for her to open the door. I hope she opens the door. As I wait the music doesn’t stop. I knock again, nothing.
Turning the door knob I let myself in. The music becomes louder as I make my way into the house. There is a bright light coming from one of the rooms, so I assume that’s where she is. As I approach the door of the room the view in front of me almost knocks me off my feet. On the easel, the green eyes of my deceased wife stare back at me. She’s bending over Clare who is blowing out candles on her birthday cake. Eight candles are lit bright. Eight, eight candles that Clare will blow out next month. Kate’s eyes hold so much love as she’s staring back at me. It’s like she’s here, in the room and I’m witnessing a moment in time, a moment that should be happening but won’t because Kate is no longer here. Her hair is pulled up in a ponytail, she looks so beautiful, so much alive.
Olivia continues to work the painting, finishing up the table that Clare is leaning against. My daughter looks beautiful, happy, so much like her mother. I walk into the room reaching out for Olivia. Once I make contact she jumps in surprise spinning around, almost knocking over the painting. “Jesus, David, you scared me half to death. What in the hell are you doing here? And why did you just walk into my house?”
My eyes flick from her to the painting. “I knocked, you didn’t answer, so I let myself in.”
“Oh.” Then her eyes grow wide when she notices that I can see what she’s been working on. “Um, I can explain this.” She flicks her hand towards the painting.
“It’s beautiful, Liv. Absolutely stunning.” I walk around her and stand in front of the painting.
“I wanted to give Clare Kate for her birthday. I wanted to have her mother at her birthday with her.”
My father’s words repeat in my mind, ‘They will never feel jealousy towards her, only gratitude.’ “She’ll love it.”
“Do you think?”
“Yes, without a doubt.”
She stands in front of me, looking up, smiling. Her normally flawless face is smudged with an array of different colors. I can see the colors of my daughter’s hair, the dress she’s wearing, the yellow of the flames in the candles, and the green of my wife’s eyes. I take a step towards Olivia and without thinking I run my hand over her neck resting at her nape.
My movement brings questions to Olivia’s eyes. She searches my face for answers and the more time it takes me to provide them the more she looks frantic. I bring my head down and rest it on her forehead. “Olivia.” My voice is clogged with emotion. I inhale her, the sweet smell that’s Olivia is combined with the smell of paint.
I pull away from her, still holding the back of her neck. She gives me a little laugh. Before I have to ask she tells me. “You have paint on your forehead.”
“I don’t care.”
“Oh you don’t?” she questions me.
“No.”
“So you won’t mind if I do this?” Before I can answer I feel the cool wetness of her brush across my cheek. “Now we match,” she says.
“Not quite.” I brin
g her close to me and run my now wet cheek across the bridge of her nose allowing the paint to smear across the rest of my face. She squeals at my action. “Better?” I ask her.
“Yeah.”
I stare at her. This beautiful woman who has experienced more pain than anyone should. This beautiful woman who has lived her life with so much guilt and grief. This woman who has brought back some of the light my daughter has lost. Olivia. She opened my eyes when I thought I would spend the rest of my life with them closed. She’s given me so much more than what I think I deserve. “I see you, Olivia. You.”
“What?”
“You told me that you needed me to see you, not anyone else, but you. I’m telling you I see you. You’re the only one I want to see.”
“David—”
I don’t give her another chance to respond. I take her to my lips and kiss her like I should have been doing for months. I kiss her until she whimpers, I kiss her until she gives into me, into my touch, until she melts into my body and then I kiss her more. This kiss is desperate, our teeth smash together and our tongues take each other fiercely, like our life depend on it. There’s so much heat and passion that I never want it to stop.
The harshness of the kiss turns into a warm gentle molding of our mouths. I feel Olivia press her body up against mine. The hardness of her nipple press into my chest, I can’t get enough of her. I trail kisses from her mouth down her jaw line to her neck. She moans while she runs her hands through my hair. I reach my hands beneath her ass and pick her petite body up without struggle. Her hands come around my neck, her legs wrap around my waist as my cock presses between her legs. She looks at me, her lips are swollen from the assault of mine. If I could, I would keep them that way for the rest of my life. The rest of my life, I want this woman by my side for the rest of my life. “I’m falling in love with you, Olivia.” I can see her physically swallow at my confession. “I think I’ve been falling for you from the moment I met you, but I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that I could feel something other than grief for Kate. I thought I wasn’t honoring her. I thought by feeling what I felt for you meant that I didn’t feel as strongly as I thought I did for Kate. But now, I know.” I kiss her lips, nipping at her bottom one, causing her to flex her legs tightly around my waist. “I know now, Livie.”
“Well, it’s about damn time.” she says with a smile. “Take me to bed. My patience has now run out. Make love to me tonight, or lose me forever.”
“Never, I’m never going to lose you.”
52
Olivia
He slowly brings my painting t-shirt over my head while kneeling, completely naked between my legs. Once we made it to the room he didn’t waste any time. I’m not sure if it was because he’s worried he may back out or because he has held back for so long, he no longer wants to take it slow. But by the look in his eyes, I think it’s the latter of the two. There’s so much admiration in his eyes. So much love as he takes in my body. “You’re so beautiful, Olivia.” He kisses my stomach, brushing his lips over my skin, causing chills to roll over my body. He takes the nipple of my left breast into his mouth, sucking it into his mouth slow, worshipping me. My hands fist the pillows of my bed as I arch into him. The warmth of his tongue lapping at my breast sends shivers through my body. I squeeze my thighs together trying to alleviate the pressure building. Switching to my right breast he rolls the wet nipple of my left between his fingers. “So damn perfect.” he says against my skin.
I feel his hands travel down my body reaching the hem of my panties. Without asking, not needing my permission, he pulls them off my body. He moves up, aligning our bodies the best he can. I feel the hardness of his cock come up against my stomach. I’m so ready for this. He places his mouth to mine, sweeping his tongue against the seam of my lips. The feel of his mouth on mine makes me moan in satisfaction. His hand cups my mound, moving his finger into me. I spread my legs, giving him more room. “You’re so ready for me. So fucking wet, baby.”
“Please, David. Please.” I’m cautious not to make the same mistake twice. I’m worried the words that I want to tell him will push him away. I’m not sure I would ever be able to come back from the rejection again.
“Fuck, Olivia, I want you so damn much.” He says against my lips.
His fingers dive deeper into my core causing me to arch even more than I am. I can feel my orgasm build with the continual stroke of his fingers as he continues to kiss me. I run my fingers through his blonde hair. “David, I’m, I’m gonna come,” I say breathlessly.
“Hmm, Olivia.” he whispers into my ear. “The first of many, the first of many, baby.”
He presses his fingers deeper into my core causing my climax to rip through my body. I jerk up as it hits me, grabbing his hand making sure he doesn’t think about moving it anywhere but where it is right at this moment. I apply more pressure, pushing his fingers as deep as they can go. My body tenses and the pleasure rolls through my body like a tidal wave, causing me to whimper with pleasure. I pull him by the back of the neck bringing his lips to mine. He smiles as he continues to kiss me; pleased with himself, I’m sure.
I don’t use any words as I take the lead. Our mouths stay tangled as I run my hands down his stomach feeling the corded muscles of his abdomen. I feel him slowly lower his body to mine, making me lie back. I can feel the wetness of his pre-cum sitting on the tip of his cock. I swirl it with my thumb as I grab his shaft, and he instantly stops moving. He’s no longer kissing me, so I pull back. I can’t look at him, in fear that I will see regret floating in the sea of blue that make up his eyes. “Olivia.” I hear his voice, sounding like a plea. He takes my hands from his body and lifts them above my head. “Look at me, Livie, please.” I take the chance, he has my heart in his hand, he has the power to break me, with this words. “I promise you, Olivia, to never take you for granted.” I feel the slight movement of his hips, he’s right at my entrance. “I promise to love you the way you deserve to be loved.” I want to reach out to him, but he isn’t allowing it. “I promise to never walk away, Liv. Never.” He pushes into me and I feel more than I have ever felt. He fills me to the hilt. I can feel the burning as my body stretches to accommodate his size. “I promise that it will always be you and me.” He takes my lips as he rocks into my body.
“David.” I say between kisses. “Please, please. Fuck, you feel so good.”
53
David
I watch the sun as it rises through the blinds of Olivia’s room. I’m not sure how much I slept last night. I drifted in and out while I listened to her smooth even breaths. Every time she stirred throughout the night, I woke up to check on her, making sure she was okay. Olivia’s body is tucked securely to mine, her arm is draped over my stomach while her head rests on my chest. I run my fingers through her long hair, lost in thought.
Last night was more than what I imagined it could be. The way her body felt underneath mine. How the warmth of her breath felt against my neck as I made her come again and again. My name on her lips. How whole I felt as I rocked into her body. She gripped me like she was made for me. I thought Kate was the one who was made for me, but I’m not so sure. Maybe Kate was meant for me to live the first part of my life with and maybe Olivia is meant for me to spend the rest of my life with. Whatever the reason may be, I will never take her for granted. I will never make her think she is my second choice, because after last night, Olivia is my only choice. “What are you thinking?” Her voice is smooth against my chest.
“Just how lucky I am that you waited for my dumb ass.”
“I don’t think I would call it waiting. I think I would call it living my life until you were ready.”
“I’m ready, Livie.” I continue to stroke her hair. “I’m not sure what life is going to bring us. I hope fate is done being cruel to my family because I’m not sure we’ll be able to survive another heartache, but I hope you’re willing to face it with me, with us.”
She looks up into my eyes, and starts l
aughing. “You have cracked paint all over your face.” I reach my hand up and I can feel the harden pieces. “Do you want to jump in the shower? I’m not sure you want to drive through town with all that going on.”
“Are you kicking me out?”
She sits up, not covering herself, sitting there in all her naked glory. I never would have figured Olivia for being so confident, but it’s damn sexy on her. I rake my eyes over her bare chest seeing the dusty rose of her nipples darken under my gaze. “I would never kick you out.” I lifted my eyebrow questioning her comment. “Well, not now, and technically I didn’t ask you to leave.”
“You asked me to leave.”
“Did I? I’m not sure I remember. But seriously, as long as you want to be here, David, you’re always welcome.”
I place my lips to her forehead, letting her know that I understand and that I want to be here. “I would love to take a shower, but on one condition.”
“What?”
“You take one with me.”
“You don’t have to ask twice.” She gets up and I follow her into the bathroom.
I watch as she grabs us some towels, and turns on the shower. “Come here.” I pull her to my chest, resting my chin against the top of her head. I can’t believe I waited so long to have the feel of her in my arms. To feel her arms wrap around me. Her nails scraping against my skin, head leaning against my chest is a feeling I will never want to live without. Someone will have to kill me before she is taken from me because if she isn’t with me, then I’m a dead man anyway.
“Let’s go, we’re wasting the water.” I pull me with her.
I adjust the shower head to accommodate my height. The warms spray hits my back, flowing down my body, pooling between Olivia’s breasts as I hold her to me. She looks up at me. Her eyes are incredible. “I love your eyes. I didn’t think I’ve ever seen such amazing eyes.” I hold back how I always felt about Kate’s eyes, those emerald gems. I don’t ever want Olivia to think I’m comparing to Kate in any way.
Love After Pain Page 19