Thirty-Three and a Half Shenanigans

by Denise Grover Swank

  Neely Kate took a step toward me. “Now Rose, calm down.”

  “Calm down?” I took a step back. “This is crazy even for us.”

  She took my hands. “Okay. We’ll tell them you don’t want to do it. It’ll be fine.”

  “You’re actually gonna do it?”

  She cocked her head. “I know how to dance on a pole, Rose.”

  “What?”

  “Dolly Parton taught me back when she was at the Bunny Ranch. She had a pole in her momma’s garage she used to practice on. It’s really good exercise, you know.”

  My mouth opened, but no words came out.

  She pulled her cotton shirt over her head, revealing a pink with white polka dot bra.

  “Neely Kate! What are you doing?”

  She gave me a condescending glare as she unbuttoned her pants and started to slide them over her hips. “Hell’s bells, Rose. I’ve worn less than this at the Henryetta pool. Calm down.”

  “How can I calm down when my best friend is about to strip on stage?”

  “I’m not gonna take off my bra. I’ll go out there, swing around the pole some, and then they’ll boo me off stage when I don’t show them the goods.”

  “Then why do it at all?”

  “When Sparkle comes back here, you can quiz her about Dolly Parton and the bartender.”

  The song streaming in from the bar area came to an end.

  “Can you do that?” she asked.

  What in the world was happening?

  “Rose,” she hissed, moving closer and grabbing my shoulders. “Can you do that?”

  I nodded. “Yes. Just be careful.”

  She laughed. “Nothing dangerous is happening here. In fact, if I didn’t know it would give Ronnie a conniption, I’d take off my bra to show ’em what I’ve got.” She laughed from my shock. “What? I’m gonna be whippin’ my boobs out to breastfeed soon enough. What’s the difference?”

  She had a point.

  A girl with jet-black hair came through a door. The color of her hair was a sharp contrast to her pale skin, but more noticeable was the fact that she was topless and wearing the tiniest pair of red underwear I’d ever seen.

  I felt my face getting hot.

  Her hard gaze landed on the two of us, roaming over Neely Kate’s girl-next-door underwear. “Roy says you’re both auditioning. That ain’t gonna cut it around here.”

  Neely Kate put a hand on her hip. “I wasn’t prepared to audition today. I keep the racy stuff for the stage, so this’ll have to do for now. But all I have are these boots for shoes.” She lifted a leg to show the stripper her three-inch heeled black patent leather boots.

  “Those’ll work for this afternoon,” Sparkle said, then her gaze returned to me. “Why aren’t you ready?”

  Neely Kate lifted her shoulder with a graceful shrug, her blonde hair tumbling down her arm. “She can’t bring herself to do it. She’s a little shy even though Dolly Parton told us this was a great place to work.”

  “Dolly Parton?” Sparkle asked as she reached for a bra on the table.

  “You probably know her as Sapphire.”

  “Oh.” Her eyes widened with recognition, but then she scowled. “That girl ran off with Nikko and left us high and dry. We’re short-handed right when our business is picking up. I can’t complain too much, since the money’s damn good, but you can only do so many lap dances in a day, you know?”

  I really had no idea, and the thought made my face even hotter.

  She leaned close to me. “Your thighs start to give out,” she stage whispered.

  “Why is business picking up?” Neely Kate asked.

  “‘Cause Mud’s got a master plan to take all the business from the Bunny Ranch.”

  “Why’s he trying to take all their business?” I asked.

  “Because of who owns it.”

  “Something Bad” by Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood started playing in the bar.

  Sparkle slipped her arms through the bra straps and pointed a thumb toward the stage. “That’s your cue, sugar. You better get goin’.”

  Neely Kate flashed me a grin. She sure didn’t look very nervous. If it were me, I’d be on the verge of throwing up. “Wish me luck.”

  She didn’t look like she needed it. “Break a leg.”

  Neely Kate disappeared between the curtain, and I was tempted to go over and watch. I sure was curious to see what she could do on a pole. But I knew she’d kill me if I didn’t get something out of Sparkle.

  “So you chickened out?” Sparkle asked, fastening the back of her bra strap.

  “I wouldn’t say that . . . I’m having second thoughts.”

  She walked past me and picked up a pair of four-inch platform heels. “Everyone feels that way the first time. It’s kinda scary shaking your ta-tas in front of pervs.”

  Apparently, everyone except for Neely Kate felt that way.

  “But if you find the gumption to do try it, it does get easier.” She studied me for a minute. “Do you really want to work here?’

  “I . . . uh . . .”

  “You already know that one of our bartenders ran off with Sapphire last week. Well, the rest of us girls have been filling in.” She sat on the edge of the table and slipped on her shoes. “Mud sent a couple of guys out to Nikko’s place at Sugar Branch, but he mustn’t have been there because he never came back.”

  Finally. Useful information. Neely Kate wasn’t dancing for nothing.

  “We might be able to work something out for you, you know. Most places usually hire guys to tend bar, but you could fill in for a bit and see if you want to give dancing a go. Wear something low-cut, and the guys’ll tip you really well.”

  “She’s just trying to get out of sharing ten percent of her own tips,” a woman said from behind me. I jumped, not having heard her approach. “Don’t let her fool you.”

  When I turned to look at the newcomer, I saw a pretty girl in her twenties with shiny dark brown hair cut into a short bob. She was topless and wearing a purple thong with a five-inch band of black spandex around her hips that looked like it was meant to be some kind of skirt. She held a black bra in her hand.

  Sparkle gave a haughty laugh. “So? We both know you don’t like sharing yours either, Crystal. If we have a girl tending bar, the guys will tip her, and we can keep the share we usually have to fork over. It’s a win-win for all of us.”

  Crystal laughed. “You’re gonna have to convince Mud. But it might not be so hard. Roy says Mud has a thing for ya.” She directed this last comment to me. Then she brushed past me, her naked breast grazing my arm as she turned to face me again. She was taller than me and with her towering heels, her naked breasts were nearly eye level. Where on earth was I supposed to look?

  Wait . . . “Mud has a thing for me?”

  “Yep, Mud likes ’em fresh off the farm, if you know what I mean.”

  “But he hardly paid attention to me!”

  “He must have paid enough attention to see your pretty little blush.” Her fingers brushed my cheek. “Mud has a thing for defiling virgins.”

  “But I’m not a virgin,” I blurted out.

  “Even better,” Crystal purred.

  “Stop messin’ with her, Crystal.”

  Crystal dropped her hand and walked over to a table, sorting through a pile of clothes. “Come on, Sparkle. We ain’t had any fun since Nikko left, and Mud’s all worked up over the owner showing up on Friday night. That boy was fine to look at, and he knew how to party after we got off.”

  “Who has time to party after shaking your ass in guys’ faces all night long?”

  “So he and Sapphire were dating?” I asked.

  “Dating.” Sparkle giggled. “That’s so cute.”

  Crystal’s eyes narrowed. “How do you know Sapphire?”

  “We went to high school together. She told me what a great place this was, so when my friend and I realized she took off, we decided to see if one of us could get her job.”

&n
bsp; “Huh.” Crystal grunted, but she seemed to buy my story, so I decided to press on. “Yeah, I was really surprised to hear she ran off with him. She and her boyfriend, Billy Jack, seemed serious.”

  “They weren’t sleeping together,” Sparkle said. “That’s the weird part. Nikko and Crystal had a thing goin’, and Sapphire only ever talked about her boyfriend. It doesn’t make sense that they ran off.”

  “When was the last time you saw them?” I asked. “Were they flirting a lot?”

  “The last time I saw them was last Friday night. And if they were hot for each other, they hid it pretty good. They acted like they couldn’t stand each other,” Sparkle said, shooting a sympathetic glance back at Crystal. “Sapphire and Nikko closed up together and neither one of them showed up for their shift on Saturday.”

  Groans and a bit of shouting came from behind the curtain, and Neely Kate burst through still fully clothed—or as fully clothed as she had been when she went on stage. Her pale face had a guilty look on it.

  Both dancers looked up in surprise.

  “What are you doing? Your song’s not over, and your bra’s still on!” Sparkle said in disgust. “Get back out there.”

  Neely Kate shook her head, placing a hand on her stomach. “Trust me, no one wants to see me back out there.”

  “What are you talking about?” Crystal asked.

  Roy burst through the dressing room door, his face contorted in anger. “Get out!”

  Neely Kate snatched up her shirt and pants. “Don’t worry. I’m goin’.”

  “Do you want one of us to go out there?” Crystal pointed her thumb toward me. “Daisy here ain’t goin’ on.”

  “Daisy?” I asked.

  Crystal pinched my cheek with a grin. “You’re as fresh as a daisy straight off the farm.”

  “No one’s going out on stage until one of y’all cleans up the mess,” Roy snapped.

  Oh, no. “What happened?” I asked.

  Clutching her clothes against her chest, Neely Kate grabbed my arm and pulled me to the back door. “I’ll tell you later.”

  “Think about my proposition, Daisy!” Sparkle yelled after us as I stumbled over a pile of clothes. “We can still use you!”

  Neely Kate pushed the door open, dropped my arm and took off running to the truck in her bra and underwear.

  “Neely Kate! Slow down!” I shouted, running after her.

  “Trust me. We don’t want to slow down.” She didn’t stop until she’d opened the passenger door to the truck.

  The back door flew open, and Roy stood in the entrance, shouting.

  Neely Kate locked her seat belt. “Rose! Go!”

  She didn’t have to tell me twice. I jerked the truck into reverse and sent gravel flying as I backed out into the parking lot. A bit of it hit Roy in the head, and he fell to the pavement like a ton of bricks.

  “Oh, no!” I shouted, trying to see if he was getting up in the side mirror. “Did I kill him?”

  “Don’t worry. If you did, it was self-defense,” she said, pulling her shirt over her head.

  “What happened?” I cast a glance toward her. “I have a pretty good idea, but some perverted part of me wants to hear the details.”

  “Well . . . I strutted out there like nobody’s business, shaking my butt and grabbing the pole and all. Just like Dolly Parton showed me. Then I saw Mr. Turner, my second grade Sunday School teacher, sitting in a chair with some girl’s hoochie in his face. But I figured it was none of my never mind, you know? My job was to spin on that pole. So I hooked my leg around and started spinning, and then I climbed up and hung upside down. Dolly had showed me a couple of spins like that, although for the life of me, I have no idea why guys think a girl in a bikini hanging from a pole is sexy.”

  I could see her point. “So why did Roy get so upset?”

  “All that spinning was making me dizzy and my stomach a tad bit upset. So I got off the pole and started just dancing, hoping things would settle down. But I caught Mr. Turner’s eye, and he pushed the hoochie girl away and walked to the edge of the stage. Then he proceeded to stick a one-dollar bill under the edge of my panties.” She turned to look at me. “A one-dollar bill. Can you believe it?”

  I shook my head. “No. You’re worth at least five.”

  “I know, right?” she asked, indignant, then gave a tiny shake of her head. “Anyway, that just ticked me off. He was leering at me, saying ‘take it off,’ and all I could think about was sitting in the cold Sunday School classroom with Mr. Turner making us memorize Bible verses. Well, something just riled up inside me, and I gave Mr. Turner a tongue lashing, asking him if Mrs. Turner knew he had someone else’s hoochie in his face. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I said he was cheating his former Sunday School student with his cheap ass ways.”

  “You didn’t!”

  “He just stood there, his eyes buggin’ out of his head, looking like I’d just shot him.” She gave me an ornery grin. “And then I threw up on him.”

  My mouth dropped in horror. She’d thrown up on someone again?

  She shrugged, her grin spreading. “Needless to say, I don’t think I got the job.”

  We broke out into laughter, and when we settled down I told her everything I’d found out, including the way the office felt really familiar.

  “Oh!” she exclaimed, excited. “Maybe you were there in a previous life.” She lifted her eyebrows as she leaned close. “I’ve been studying up on those. Most people suppress all the memories of their previous lives, but maybe one of yours is popping through.”

  “That might be true except that place couldn’t have been built more than twenty years ago, and I just turned twenty-five last month. It was built when I was a kid.”

  “Hmm . . .” She tapped her chin. “I guess you have a point. Do you think your momma or daddy ever took you there?”

  “To a strip joint?”

  She waved her hand. “It wasn’t always a strip joint. It used to be a Chick-a-Dilly.”

  I shook my head. “I’m sure I’ve never been there. It must remind me of something else.”

  “Don’t worry. You got lots of other information we can use,” she said. “I think we need to go to Sugar Branch and try to find Nikko. It can’t be too hard to find him there. Sugar Branch is a two-stoplight town, and Nikko’s not a common name. Unless it was a stage name.”

  “It’s worth a try,” I said. “Although I’m not sure what we’re gonna find out. Mud sent men to find him, and they came back empty-handed, although it’s mighty suspicious that Mud sent men after him at all. My old boss never came looking for me when I didn’t show up for work, and she actually planned to kill me.”

  Neely Kate lifted her rump and pulled her pants up. “But Billy Jack said Nikko picked her up from the trailer a few days ago. That would make it around Sunday night. If that’s true, why didn’t they go to work on Saturday?”

  I shook my head. “Maybe it was a generic ‘couple of days’ and he really meant Friday. Even so, Sparkle said Dolly Parton was definitely at the club on Friday night. If Nikko picked her up on Friday rather than on Saturday, maybe he was just giving her a ride to work?”

  “Sure, but they could have still run away together after their shift. They worked late hours at the club, and Crystal said they both closed that night, which happens at around three in the morning.”

  “The fact remains that they were last seen at the club on Friday. Something must have happened. But what? Tabitha said Mud was up to no good. And the other dancers said Nikko and Dolly didn’t get along too well, so either they’re really good actors, or it’s unlikely they would run away together. What if they saw something they shouldn’t have and they either took off or someone did something to them?” I asked, feeling bad for how I’d phrased that last part.

  Neely Kate nodded, looking worried. “I think you’re right.”

  “We need to tell Joe what we know. Maybe it’s enough to get the sheriff’s department to do something.”

&nb
sp; “I doubt it, but it’s worth a try.” She pulled her cell phone out of her purse. “I’ll give him a call. He’s gonna flip his lid when he finds out you were there.”

  “It’s none of his business what I do.”

  She snorted. “Like that’s gonna stop him.” A few seconds later she was telling him everything we’d discovered, only she left my name out of it, and she didn’t mention we’d visited the club. She only gave him the information we’d found. As the conversation went on, she got angrier and angrier.

  “I tell you that I think my cousin probably saw something illegal, and you refuse to do anything about it?” she demanded.

  I heard snatches of Joe’s voice through the phone. “. . . Neely Kate . . . you don’t know that . . . not enough . . . Friday afternoon . . .”

  “When you can actually plan to perform your sheriff’s responsibilities, Joe Simmons, you let me know.” She hung up the phone and jammed it into her purse.

  “That didn’t sound like it went well.”

  “What’s it gonna take for them to get involved?”

  “You heard Mason. They’re stretched thin right now, and she’s run off before. Maybe Joe thinks you’re exaggerating the evidence because you’re worried. I guess when you step back, it looks like they worked a shift together and ran off.”

  “We have to find her, Rose.”

  “We will.” I squeezed her hand. “I think I know what will make you feel better. Do you want some ice cream?”

  “Does a bear poop in the woods?”

  “I guess that’s a yes. But one slight problem. Mason asked me to stay away from the Burger Shack.”

  “But it has the best soft serve ice cream in town.” She pursed her lips.

  “I know, but after my vision of Eric, I promised Mason I wouldn’t go there.”

  “Well, where are we gonna go?”

  “The Emporium is a coffee shop now. I heard it serves ice cream. How about we go there?”

  “Is it any good?” she pouted.

  “It’s ice cream. Of course it’s good.” I cast her a pleading look. “Neely Kate, Mason specifically asked me to stay away from the Burger Shack, and I think he’s right. What if I have another vision? What if it gets me into trouble?”