Just like I cannot ignore the life that grows beneath my heart. Surprisingly, it hasn’t restricted my daily regime, movement, or sparring like I expected. When I look in the mirror, I see a tiny belly, but nothing more.
Maybe it’ll take more than a little over nine months to grow so that it can survive outside of me, or maybe I’m just that kind of woman who doesn’t show early. I have no idea. Maybe I should be worried; maybe I should start preparing myself, but… no, that’s not something I can focus on now.
We’re moving in on our target in two days. I have to focus on practicing my shifting now. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I don’t need to be in full control. All I need to do is take over when it’s close to being catastrophic. I know Dan will be there. He’ll remind me of our goal. But I don’t want to depend on it.
I can’t shake off the feeling that there is something I should know, something I should be aware of. It’s like a shadow you see at the corner of the eye, a word on the tip of your tongue, or a butterfly kiss.
Day 56
I need to put it down in words to show it to me quite plainly. This day wasn’t quite how I expected it to be, and definitely not how I wanted it to happen. At least, not all of it.
Yes, it’s been two days since I last wrote in here and four more before that. And, I’m trying to sum everything up right to the point where I am now. I didn’t feel the need to write in my diary, because, well… everything was set. Dan and I continued to exercise and spar and help me to focus on taking control over my body, and along with it my beast. And I learned that this meant finding a common ground. Having a beast has been just like hearing the voice of your instinct more clearly than just a hunch. When you are human you are able to easily ignore it, because your instincts are forced to take a back seat and all you hear is a low murmur in the back of your head.
When you’re a beast, it’s different, extremely different, because it’s you who is taking the backseat. And this gives you a completely different perspective on everything. Human instinct judges so much simpler, because there is right and wrong and nothing in between. Human nature tints everything in fifty shades of gray, but if you look at it clearly there are no shades.
The shades you accept are those that show how far you are willing to bend right and wrong. You are the one dictating the shades, but in the end, it’s all smoke and mirrors, if you look closely. In the end, it’s all about how deep into the dark you can step, and still see a light.
For me the limit was how far into the dark Dan could reach, but I should have known that I was wrong.
We did as agreed. We travelled upstate to the fancy apartment of the one board member we knew was the weakest and then we struck, playing the parts of the untamed, rabid, bloodthirsty beasts they expected.
Austin had easily hacked into the security system of the apartment, cursing into our earphones how offensively easy it was to do so in the first place.
I figure that he probably was the least important member of the board, if he was a member at all. But then and there it didn’t do anything different for me. I was close to some sort of revenge, vengeance, that point when I could release my rage, which was nothing more than pure pain. It didn’t matter who he was, or how high up the food chain he was listed. Daniel was my anchor, my focus, and I was equally grateful and cussing about this.
Somehow it wasn’t as easy as I expected. Honestly; it was worse.
I still don’t know who the guy was Austin had identified as the weakest link, but I didn’t care who that guy really was anyway. All I wanted was to get out there, get my beast on and wreak havoc. Needless to say, I was an impatient little bitch.
We had travelled upstate the day before, which meant that Austin and Daniel switched driving assignments and I… I slept or read the blueprints of the place we would break into or Jay’s diary. Yes, maybe I’m masochistic, but I actually still try to get as much information out of it as possible. Having a secondary voice telling you about becoming and being a beast can be quite helpful. And apart from all these rational things, it still felt good having at least one part of him with me. No matter what he had done. Maybe it was the scent still lingering on those pages.
Jay’s scent.
And because of that thought I put it in a plastic bag with a zipper to make sure it stayed there. I had more than my personal need as a reason. I wanted his child to at least know his scent, so it wouldn’t confuse anyone else for its blood father. And then there was the fact that Daniel didn’t sleep in the passenger seat, but next to me, which basically made his scent end up everywhere, mixing with my own. For me it was in a way manageable – I was used to it because of the sessions – but I didn’t want the diary to be drenched in it.
Back to topic.
So, we drove upstate and camped out in the van Austin provided us. Dan and I went through our plan again on how we would get in there and how we would proceed to find the target. In the last few days he had started to talk all soldier like and somewhat detached. He was on a mission and the way he acted was oddly fascinating to me. But, I had difficulties acting like him or using his language. Maybe it was because I didn’t care that our “target” was a human being. All I knew was that this guy, this man, was a member of the board, which had not only sanctioned the experiments and torture of Jay, Nina, and their comrades, but also my kidnapping, my staged death, and indirectly the death of all the people I had ever cared for.
When Daniel began to go through everything for the hundredth time, I stopped to listen to him, I just stared into the shadow that the light cast of his body and wanted my head and my heart to be blank, and not these dark holes that tried to suck me into them. One of these holes was my beast, and the other one, I didn’t know.
Dan literally had to make me snap out of it and forced me to recite the plan, which I did perfectly, without even listening to myself. Neither he, nor Austin, noticed, and maybe that was the mistake.
I don’t know how much time passed after that, or what anyone did. I just can’t remember. I must have zoned out without my beast jumping into action, because I can’t recall the boys bringing me back, as in seeing them both trying to calm me or hold me down. I guess all I could think of was when it was finally going to start.
My memory starts with hearing Dan opening the side door of the van and closing it again, when I jumped out. I remember my body coming to life almost as if the black hole in my heart turned into a supernova. I was fueled and so was my beast, both of us eager to meet this horrible type of a man that had forsaken his right to live. My steps were feathery and swift as I followed Dan along the hedge, using it as cover to stay out of sight of the security system.
Apparently, his neighbor didn’t feel the need to secure his own posh house like a prison. Ironically, thanks to him, we had our way in by easily jumping over his garden gate and from the back of his yard over the hedge to where the little generator purred that kept our target’s house an almost burglarproof fortress.
Dan gave me a nod and I watched him turn into Four. I’m pretty sure I beat him with finishing my shift. He jumped first, and used his beast hands to tear open the metal grate and simply pulled the whole cable harness, which pretty much would disable the security system. When I heard the humming noise of the power die, I followed him. There was no need for the board to know that there was another beast they weren’t aware of.
The idea of a closed security system that wasn’t depending on the power grid was pretty smart, especially when it electrocuted the fence hidden in the hedge that surrounded the building. It just wasn’t beast proof.
I was feeling triumphant with every step I made through the dark garden, knowing that a bright light would have turned the night into day where Dan and I walked. But it didn’t. It was almost too easy. I didn’t expect the doors of the glass front facing the garden would be a great problem. Yes, they were bulletproof, but we didn’t have any guns with us, we didn’t need them.
Just before Daniel made his move on the hinges o
f the door, I looked up and saw that one of the glass doors leading to the balcony on the upper level was tilted open. So, I tapped his shoulder and he stopped, looking at me and then following my stare. I didn’t wait for him.
Gathering momentum with two large steps I jumped across the balustrade, and stepped towards the door, gripping the frame and pulling it open further gently, making the metal inside it ache and bend to my will.
With a low thud I knew that Daniel had landed behind me. Somehow I knew that he wasn’t liking my approach. We knew that the man’s home office was on the first floor and the family rooms were on the second. I didn’t care if I would meet his wife or children. Although the children were supposed to be somewhere else. I hadn’t when Austin had told us. And a part of me wanted that woman to see what her husband was up to.
Feeling his hands on mine sent a searing hot jolt through my body and my first reaction was to glare at him until I realized that he slid over them to pull the bars that hadn’t snapped by now from its position and I stepped back, allowing him to gently put the glass door on the ground. With an implied bow, he gestured me to enter first. I couldn’t help but smirk and drop a curtsy.
We entered the bedroom of Mr. Target. It was nice, held all in white, which appeared simple, but still elegant. While to my left was the bed, there was the wardrobe filling up the entire wall to my right, which had large mirrored doors in the middle. It was the first time I saw myself as a beast. I was stunning. My eyes were glowing in a beautiful green, my hair was still the same. Only the rest of my physique had changed. How I stood and moved. And of course, my face was warped similarly to Jay’s and Daniel’s as far as I remembered. As Daniel stepped next to me, I could see the difference. I looked more human.
Maybe the virus is still busy changing me, but I don’t have any growing pains anymore. Maybe it died off, not finishing its work. Or maybe I was different because I was infected and not injected. It wasn’t that I still could recognize myself, but everything seemed to be just a bit softer and more delicate. I was stunning.
I couldn’t help but look at Daniel and smile at him, showing my smaller but surely equally sharp fangs. It took a moment for him to react, but when he returned the facial expression it was tender. I didn’t expect what that did to me. It made me feel warm. My smile vanished and I quickly looked at my flexing clawed hands. And then my eyes moved on their own and to Dan’s, which looked a bit more like pranks, yet still human. His whole physique said strength and agility and I had experienced that first hand over and over again. The only advantage I had over him was my speed and I could actually climb walls.
“Let’s go,” I murmured, sounding almost the same as in my human voice, and I realized that I seemed to feel like myself in beast form for the first time.
Dan’s answer wasn’t more than a low rumble. Surely somewhere out there he would notice that there was something wrong with this security system and – hopefully – would show up to investigate just as we had left.
The strange sensation of before was gone the second I could hear human fingers tap on keyboard keys and rustle with papers. I signed it to Dan and he nodded; signing me to harken if there was anyone else inside the house. Remembering what he had taught me, I slowed down my breathing, stared at an even surface and started to listen. The first additional heartbeat was rapid and muffled. I instinctively smiled as I heard my child’s life sign and had to force myself to continue. I knew my own heartbeat so well that I didn’t even pause, same as Dan’s. I continued to widen my hearing, but didn’t find any other life signs on our level and after a few seconds I just looked at my partner in crime and shook my head.
For a brief moment it seemed as if he was going to go first and strip me of being the first to draw blood, but he froze in his faked movement and grinned at me. I stuck out my tongue and was gone.
Going at superhuman speed in confined spaces is pretty difficult, but I managed to not collide with any walls or furniture. My breaking through the enforced office door, however, was absolutely on purpose. For me it felt more like a bump than actually breaking down a door with a steel core. It crashed onto the floor right next to the office chair and the guy jumped onto his feet right into my clawed hand, which made it incredibly easy to lift him off his feet and push him up against the wall behind him. The framed picture that came between him and his destination fell to the ground and broke, spreading glass shards all over the floor. The more havoc, the better. I grinned at him, widely.
I could feel his life in my hand, his blood rush past my fingers and thumb, his breathing against my palm, and him swallow. This guy wasn’t overly slender, he actually had a small belly. He was definitely wearing a designer suit, but house slippers that just fell to my feet. Still, he was light as a feather to me. I couldn’t help but snicker.
“Don’t squeeze his throat too tight, he needs to speak,” Dan said to me, and sounded as if he had trouble speaking, which was normal.
I actually like the rumbling sound of his voice when he is in beast form. There was no reason for me to not instantly obey the one who was officially in charge, but I enjoyed having Mr. Board Member believe that I was a rebellious little kitten. When I finally did, he inhaled deeply, and I realized that I had almost choked him.
“Please let me live!” Was the first thing he pleaded hoarsely, his eyes already filling with tears.
“I wonder how many people have said this or thought this thanks to the actions of you and the table you are sitting at,” I told him, tilting my head a little.
I’m sure Dan found it cute, because he stopped rummaging through Mr. Dead Man’s things. He already had a black notebook in his hand.
“He needs the password to your laptop,” I explained to the rag doll in my hand. “And if you don’t stop clawing at my hand, I’m going to choke you, but this time longer.”
All it needed was to twitch my fingers and he dropped his hands as I instructed.
“I can’t tell you that,” my prey answered, his eyes slowly widening as realization sunk it. “They are going to kill me.”
“That’s where you are wrong,” I smiled, leaned towards him and whispered as if I was sharing a secret – a pretty damn obvious one. “I’m going to kill you.”
He swallowed against my hand, but his tears didn’t fall.
“Then why should I tell you?” He asked; smart man.
“Because if you don’t,” I straightened up again, turning my face blank. “I’m going to kill your wife when she comes home in thirty minutes,” – now his eyes looked as if they wanted to pop out of his head – “and then I’m going to visit your kids and kill them, too.”
There was the tear I was waiting for.
At that moment, I absolutely meant what I said, and I was realizing it, while I watched that tear of his roll down his check, and the second, and the third. There was that other black hole in my head, and I had fallen into it. Now, as I watched him cry silently, I did my best to climb out of it, but was stuck. The darkness was reaching for me, snaking around my legs relentlessly and tried to pull me under.
I heard the man tell Dan the access code to the computer and all his passwords he had memorized to all the accounts he could remember. My eyes watched his mouth move, but I didn’t hear anything. I felt like I was floating in limbo. My body was almost numb. I could barely feel my limbs. Was all of this even real? All of a sudden it all seemed like a nightmare. And I was definitely one, too. Those words, they weren’t me. I was not like that. Yes, I hated the men who made all of that possible, fiercely, but I wasn’t willing to do anything in my now superhuman power to reach my goal.
I’m not White. The goal doesn’t sanctify the means. I am not a monster, am I?
All the power I felt, all the satisfaction being a beast had given me, felt now like dead flesh. What if turning into a beast changed more than just my body?
And then… I felt it. My unborn child moved in my womb and instinctively, I listened. I could hear its heartbeat loud and clear, and it w
as calming. The darkness, this coldness, lost its grip on me and crawled back into its place, lingering, luring.
“Please, please don’t hurt my family,” the man’s voice disturbed my brief moment of serenity.
My eyes found focus and I looked at his tear drenched face. This guy loved them, unconditionally. I could see that clearly. How could someone sanctioning experiments like White’s be such a family man?
“I won’t,” I told him, feeling a slight relief and clarity. “I promise,” I added as I could see that he wasn’t certain, if he could really believe me, because he briefly glanced at Dan, who was now sitting in my prisoner’s chair, working on his computer.
“Just tell me,” I asked, slowly lowering him down, so that his feet touched the ground, because my arm started aching. “Did you know? About Severin’s work? About how far he was willing to go?”
I watched the man try to figure out what exactly I was asking about and I could sense that he felt hope, hope that I not only keep my promise but might allow him to continue his life. How could he cling to his lie? Why did he believe that I would spare his life? Had he forgotten that his own people would kill him, when they find out that he gave us access to all their secrets?
“I didn’t know about you,” the board member finally said, looking me straight in the eye, or rather forcing himself to. “I didn’t know Severin would turn civilians.”
He was choosing his words with care, continuing to cling to the hope that if he said the right things, he wouldn’t die.
The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4) Page 5