“That’s not what I was asking,” I responded, allowing my anger to vibrate in my voice and he tensed under my grip. “You are a member of the board, you approved his work; all of it. You allowed him to experiment on dying soldiers, people who swore to protect our country, beliefs, and ideals, with their life. You allowed him to change their DNA, to turn them into something inhuman. You allowed him to tear me from my sad little life, fake my death and throw me into a cage with one of these warped hybrids in a crazy attempt to tame him.” I pulled up my shirt with my free hand. “Look. That’s what happened to me.” His eyes went down and shock was written all over his face. I dropped the fabric and he stared at me again, realization dawning on him. I gestured at my face. “This happened because I was raped, because I had no other choice than having sex with that beast, because Severin threatened to kill me if I didn’t. I was infected. This is infectious.”
“I… I didn’t know,” he stammered.
“But you knew what you were saying ‘yes’ to,” I hissed at him condemnatory.
“Yes,” he answered defeated, his head sinking against my hand as far as it allowed him. “Yes,” he repeated. “I voted yes, when the project was presented to us. I was scared. There are so many terrible things happening all around the world, even in our country, at our doorsteps. So many soldiers killed, so many lives lost. I thought that with improved soldiers, we would be able to stop all of it.” He lifted his head again and looked at me; again, there were tears in his eyes, but they gave me no satisfaction, and they did nothing to stop that hollow feeling in my stomach. “Severin promised us to use the bodies of dead soldiers and bring them back, better, stronger, more superior, invincible even, and able to terrify our enemies. Yes, he spoke of genetic manipulation and we all didn’t care. When I realized what he was actually doing, it was too late to stop it. He already was showing us stunning results. When he requested to acquire help from civilians, we all suspected that he wasn’t quite honest about it either, but we still did approve it. I knew I should have said something every time, but none of the other members seemed to have problems with it, and I was scared that they would threaten me and my family if I did. They wouldn’t allow anyone to just leave the board at that state.”
“So, you could have stopped all of this and did nothing? Is that what you are telling me?” I asked again.
“Please understand, Miss, I thought we were doing something great, something important, something to save lives. And then it was too late. I wanted my family to be safe. They killed my neighbors down the street because they got in between a gang shootout. None of us are safe. I just wanted us to be safe.” He explained, pleading with me, and the worst thing about it was, that I did understand.
I understood his motives. I was a prime example of no one being safe. But here I was, being the thing he wanted created, promising not to kill his family, and knowing that his offspring would end up being just like him.
“You could have stopped it and you did nothing,” I told him. “Bad things happen to good people, because other people are cowards, because they do nothing. That’s how countries become the bane of their generations and generations to come. That’s how dictatorships become possible, how genocide happens.”
“He is dead,” the board member pleaded again. “Severin is dead. Torn to pieces. They didn’t even find half of the body.”
I couldn’t help but smile, and yet tears were burning in my eyes. There had always been doubt about it ever since I pulled Daniel from the rubble, even though I had seen White being basically bound to one of the bombs. Now, I knew he was really, in fact, dead. My prisoner wasn’t lying. I could see it in his pupils and hear it in his heartbeat.
It didn’t give me any satisfaction at all.
“We need to go,” Dan told me, standing behind me.
He was right. The man’s wife would be coming home soon and I really didn’t want to kill her because she saw us, and I wanted to avoid anyone realizing that there wasn’t just Four, but a Thirteen, too.
When I looked at the man in front of me, I still saw hope in his expression and I decided to grant him just that. Trying to be as fast as inhumanly possible, I brought up my free hand and snapped his neck and dropped my arms, watching him fall to the ground. I could feel my fingers twitch, just as the corners of my mouth. My eyes still burned, and I only realized that I was crying when I saw a tear land on the man’s face. I had no idea why I was crying, or for whom.
Not killing this man would have helped no one, and I’m not sure if I really did it because I wanted vengeance, because it didn’t make me feel better at all. All I thought about was that his children, maybe one day, would try to find out why their father had been killed. Maybe they would learn that he had a chance to stop something and didn’t, because he had been a coward. And maybe that would make them grow up to be brave. I knew it was a long shot, but that was the hope I would leave with.
“Meg?” I heard Dan and turned around to see him in his human form, his eyes dark, and it took me off guard.
Did he notice that I was crying? He definitely saw it now and he reached out to touch my shoulder. I swatted his hand away as if it was a nasty fly, and turned back.
“I can do it,” he offered, talking about the fact that we had to leave this office in a way that suggested a mad beast had been on a rampage.
I had looked forward to this, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore. Still, I knew that I had to do it. I needed to remind myself of that darkness that was continually threatening my sanity. And right now, I needed to feed it. There was too much rage, too much pain, too much despair. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, dreaming of mauling people to death, sometimes not just any people, but Jay, Nina, Val, and Peter.
Now, knowing that actually killing someone didn’t help, especially if that person wasn’t really evil like White had been, but simply too scared and weak, I didn’t know if what we were planning to do would be of any satisfaction.
“No, I got it, make sure all is clear,” I told him quietly. “I’ll be there in a sec’.”
I didn’t look up again, I just heard him leave the room, and let out a breath that I didn’t know I had held. Time was running out, and we needed to leave a mess. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I imagined this man sitting at that damn table along with the others, voting for this project. I imagined seeing White instead of the coward. I imagined that it was his fault that Jay and all our friends were dead. White was the reason why I was standing here. And all I had was a techie, I barely know, and the beast I would have picked last to save. All I had was hunting down these men and now I wasn’t even sure about that anymore.
I wanted to scream, to rip my hair out, to let it all out, this white-hot fury and pain. I wanted the darkness inside of me to be whited out. I wanted to wake up in my dorm and know that all of it was nothing but a dream, an insane nightmare.
My beast did just that. I watched myself dig my claws into that man’s body and throw it around his office. It was nothing but a dead doll, but it still bled, tore, and broke. Whatever my fingers touched, I took, threw and crashed it. I picked up the body as it lay facing down, I closed my eyes and felt my claws digging into his torso and stomach deeply, yet I pushed further into his flesh. It felt slippery, greasy and warm. With a powerful movement I pulled, yanked, and tore while gripping tight what I held in my hands. The noise was terrifying and nauseating. Especially the one that followed, as his intestines splatted onto the floor.
X X X
When I came to, Daniel was carrying me. My face was pressed against his neck, which was wet from my tears. My nose was filled with his scent, my body was feeding on his warmth, and his heartbeat was in my ears. I felt so worn out, drained, and more than just tired. He was holding me so easily, as if I weighed nothing.
I could hear steps and then the side door of the van being opened. I closed my eyes again.
“Is she alright?” Austin asked, his tone oozing worry.
“She’
s not hurt,” was Dan’s dry answer, and I could hear his voice resonating in his torso; he was in human form.
“What happened?” Austin inquired and I could feel Dan tense briefly; he didn’t like him being so nosy.
“She’s in mourning, she’s pregnant, she lost everything, everyone she trusted is possibly dead, and she’s stuck with us, what do YOU think?” He hissed, and I was dazzled.
Austin’s steps moved away and he was hurrying to the driver’s seat, as Daniel easily leaped into the van, closed the door and sat down, all without letting my body drop from his arms even a mere inch.
I didn’t want to feel comfortable, I didn’t want to feel safe, I didn’t want to feel being cared for, I didn’t want to relax in his arms. But I did. He knew exactly how I felt about him and Austin, but he acted as if he didn’t care. And now, now I know he does.
I didn’t flinch when he moved and tried to stay calm. However, I didn’t expect him to gently stroke my hair. I was sure that he knew I was awake, but it didn’t seem like he did.
“I know I’m not him,” he murmured, more speaking out loud his thoughts than talking to me. “But I’m here and I’m not going to leave you.”
For a moment there I expected him to give me a kiss on top of my head, but he didn’t. Instead, he kept slowly, maybe absent-mindedly, stroking my hair, holding me close to him, as if he instinctively knew that I needed his warmth and that I needed to feel safe.
And then, his words had sunken in, completely. I could feel the heat and burning of tears in my eyes again, but the last thing I could do right now was let him know I was awake. I couldn’t give him the idea that I was warming up to him. I was with Jay, dead or not. I was carrying his child. But I needed this. And I hadn’t been aware of how much I needed these few words that had dropped from Daniel’s lips. But could I trust them?
All I knew was what hearing him say that did to me. I wanted to curl up in his arms. I wanted him to pull me closer and I wanted him to not let me go, not tonight.
X X X
When I woke up again, I was alone in my bed, just as I hadn’t wanted it, but I guessed it was for the best, until I noticed a faint remnant of Daniel’s scent. So, I rolled around and ended up with my nose in that spot on my sheets, where he definitely had lain, for a bit.
It took me a while to swallow down the lump in my throat. That bastard even washed my hands and pulled off my ruined shirt, and my shoes. I would have thrown up because of that, if it didn’t make me feel so nice and warm, and not alone.
I’m going to do something now that I might end up regretting. But I can’t imagine anyone who cared for me wanting me to suffer. Hell, I don’t want to. I’ve been through enough.
Day 57
I went down and crawled into bed with Daniel. He was fast asleep and he didn’t wake when I did. Beneath the sheets it was almost like a sauna, and the heat was oh so amazing. It took a while to completely enter my body, but when it did I felt just exactly the same as I did when I was in Jay’s arms. I did my best not to touch him, because the last thing I wanted was him to wake up and make this situation awkward or taking it the wrong way. I wanted him to notice me when I was sleeping deeply. He could either carry me back into my bed or deal with it. I didn’t want to think of any consequences at that moment.
I don’t know what I expected when I woke up. Maybe to find myself back in my bed, or him watching me like a love-struck teenager, or him simply not being here, or him watching me while having a coffee, being his fake, cocky self again. What I didn’t expect was to find my head resting on his upper arm, with my cheek against his chest, while his other arm was wrapped around me with his hand on my back. I was lying half on my right arm and had my left wrapped around him just in the same way. And his right leg was between mine, so that I could feel his morning glory pressed perfectly against mine.
Most importantly: I was awake and he wasn’t.
The problem was that, the way we were lying, there was no way I could sneak out without him waking. Even if I gathered up all my speed, it wouldn’t be fast enough, and if I shifted to become faster, he would notice.
While I was trying to figure out what to do, I was drowned in his scent. Even worse: I was extremely close to his face. He had more or less parked his chin on the top of my head, and if I moved, I would breathe against his neck. No way that he wouldn’t wake up. So, I had to stay completely still and keep my breathing calm. I couldn’t help but watch his heart beat pulse along is neck. And honestly, I tried my best to focus on just that, but then there was this hard, hot length pressing into my thigh, and my body reacted on its own.
Blame it on the beast, on my enhanced instinct. I didn’t have to worry about that while still at the compound because I had Jay practically every day. Now, I had been at least two months without.
I was saved by the bell, or rather stir. First his hand on my back twitched and then Daniel slowly rolled onto his back, letting out a grunt and then, he froze. He noticed that something was wrong, or rather, that there was a hand on his stomach and something lying on his left upper arm.
Quickly, I closed my eyes and tried to evoke the serenity I had felt the day before. Honestly, I was counting on him being so taken by surprise that he wouldn’t realize that I was actually awake. I concentrated on trying to figure out what he was doing by his movements, because all I could hear was his pounding heartbeat, that tripled the moment he realized that I was lying in his bed.
I was dying to see his reaction, but hearing it was the next best thing. He held his breath, while his pulse galloped and he was trying to lay completely still. Then, when he realized that I didn’t stir and continued to breathe evenly, Daniel began to move slowly and allowed himself to breathe out. Carefully, he took my hand by grabbing my wrist only with his thumb and index finger and placed it on my side. Then, I guess, it was my head’s turn. I could feel him roll back on his side slowly, just to completely freeze. It was so tempting to just open my eyes and catch him in the act of staring at me.
The soft shaking of the bed told me that he was moving again. I learned what he was doing just briefly after it stopped. He brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen out of my braid and into my face. His fingers felt like butterfly kisses on my skin. It was impossible to not react to that. My eyelids twitched and I could hear him catch his breath again and freeze. It was just too cute.
My self-control was lost and I started grinning.
“Oh, you vixen!” I heard him accuse me and his voice was hoarse with sleepiness.
Somehow, although I had thought about it, I didn’t expect it to happen, but how I would react to it… that never came into my mind. I didn’t have time to open my eyes, it just happened too fast. His hand was at the back of my head and the next second his mouth was on mine. It was a gentle, soft kiss and once he realized that I wasn’t disgusted or appalled, he tenderly nipped at my lips and moved closer. His leg returned to settle between mine, and his hand in my hair moved up, his fingers spreading.
I felt goosebumps all over my body and my heart was hammering in my chest. I wasn’t prepared for this. I couldn’t cope with Daniel’s tenderness. It did things to me that I never thought I would feel again. My senses were all over the place. All I could perceive was him, his breathing, his racing pulse, the flexing of his muscles as he slowly maneuvered me on top of him so he could snake his now freed arm around my back and pull me close. He was holding me like I was the most precious thing he had ever touched, and maybe that was even true.
I could feel his hard-on against my pubic bone and I swear it had grown. But that’s not the point, it drove me nuts. All of it. Before I knew it, I attacked his mouth and he eagerly obliged. We kissed like there was no tomorrow. I didn’t want to stop, but a part of me was screaming to tear myself away. But I needed this.
“Hush,” I suddenly heard him whisper and then, I realized that I was sobbing.
Fat tears were tolling down my face and splatting onto his. Both of his hands were holding my
face and he placed a soft kiss on my forehead before he pulled me into a tight, comforting embrace. I buried my face against his neck and started bawling. Somehow he managed to move swiftly and I didn’t feel what had so strangely turned me on just seconds before. One of his hands returned to the back of my head and his thumb started stroking in circles right there and on my back. I felt his face move and him kissing my cheek right next to my ear.
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” he murmured, and I wasn’t sure if he was telling me this or if he was scolding himself. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and somehow it helped. “It’s okay,” he added, and I slowly calmed down, while he continued to stroke my ear and rub my back.
Dan even made sure that I was covered by the comforter, and when I started to move, he stopped and let me, waiting to see if I had anything to say. I didn’t. I just moved back to where I came from, and pulled him closer by grabbing his shirt, until I could bury my face in it again. He allowed me to place my head on his arm again and wrapped both of them around me tightly, without smothering me. I fell asleep like that.
X X X
When I woke the second time in Daniel’s bed, I was alone, or so I thought. I was the only one under the comforter, inhaling the scent that was him, but when I opened my eyes, I saw him sitting on a chair, waiting for me to wake up, holding two steaming mugs in his hands. As soon as I lifted my head from the sheets I knew it was coffee. His black ‘as his soul’ and mine with extra milk – since I was pregnant – and a bit of sugar.
His usually shaggy hair was brushed out of his face and still looked a bit sticky. He had showered and made coffee and I hadn’t noticed any of it. There was a small smile lingering at the corners of his mouth, without any mischief in his expression. So, I sat up and he got up to offer me my mug. I took it without any comment, but as I realized that he was about to return to his chair, I grabbed his wrist and he looked as me silently asking me if I was sure.
The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4) Page 6