All I did was hold my mug with both of my hands and take a sip without stopping to look at him. So, he sat down on the edge of his own bed as if he was invading my space.
“I’m okay,” I eventually told him, after watching him battle with finding the right words. “Thank you.”
Hearing that, he looked at me like I had two heads. I actually thanked him for something. Casting my eyes down, I remembered what he had hissed at Austin the night before. He was perfectly aware that they weren’t the people I would choose to live with. It was fate that threw us together, cruel fate, that is.
“I’m sorry,” Daniel still said and looked away, taking a swig from his mug.
“For what?” I couldn’t stop the words from escaping my mouth because it was so obvious what he meant, and still, even those whispered words from yesterday, I felt as if everything he had ever said had a deeper meaning which I had been oblivious to.
Daniel didn’t turn around to look at me again and he didn’t seem to react to my question. I was prepared to let it go, when he answered: “For forcing myself onto you, again.”
“Again?” I was confused for a moment until I remembered that one time he almost raped me.
Four and he didn’t seem to even be the same person for me anymore. Yes, I still call him Four now and then, but only when he’s in beast form, and… I don’t know.
Hearing him say that, making me remember that, it was awfully strange. I tried to make sense of it, but I really couldn’t.
“I was the worst of the worst down there,” Dan explained, still not looking at me. “I embraced that darkness they tried putting in me and all of the others down there. I embraced being a creature and not human anymore. It made things so much simpler. I thought…” he sighed, “… I don’t know what I thought anymore. I guess I became the beast they wanted me to be. Now, being finally free, it all feels like a nightmare that is still following me around. It feels as if I managed to escape Hell, but I took hell with me. Do you understand what I mean?”
That was when he turned around and looked at me. The torment he carried couldn’t be seen on his face or in his posture, like it was seen on Jay’s face, even in the way he talked. Dan’s torment sat deeper, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t there.
“Yes,” I answered and we looked at each other silently, almost as if we were having a moment, and maybe we did; so, I broke it. “How old are you anyway?” I asked, and I was really curious about it.
‘Down there’ at the compound I only saw him in his beast form, which didn’t really help with estimating age. And, up here, I never gave him a closer look or thought about it.
Dan blinked in confusion at first, but then he chuckled, not being disappointed about my change of topic.
“I’m twenty three,” he answered, got up and walked away without looking back.
X X X
It was a miracle that Austin hadn’t noticed anything from the last night. Probably he had worked into the morning hours and had passed out on his bed. Maybe, it had been him who woke me up at night. I’ll never know or care about that enough to investigate.
What I do care about is seeing our plan coming to fruition, so, when he didn’t wake up around noon, I became impatient. I don’t worry about it because that’s just how Austin is: a creature of the night, sleeping in was normal. I had been like that a year ago. Now, getting up early seemed to be coded into my DNA as well.
Maybe it was my craving for takeout pizza, or any kind of takeout, or something home cooked and not canned or frozen foods. Probably it was everything and anything that got on my nerves. In the end, I was dying to know when we could take our next steps. I wanted to find out where the board members would retreat to. I wanted to get there and I wanted to murder them.
“If you don’t relax you’re going to jump shift again and I really fail to see why I should throw myself between Austin and you,” Dan leaned against one of the steel beams that held our factory building standing.
There it was back again, that cocky persona I was used to, and I had to say that I missed it. Somehow, his banter and my harsh remarks and responses were something I had grown used to, and I realized that it helped keep my more and more volatile temper in check.
“Well, if you want to continue our little hunting trips, you should, because he’s sort of our guide,” I gave back.
Somehow, now, it wasn’t the same as before last night. I had learned something about Dan, that shone a different light on him. I saw something I couldn’t un-see. And noticed something I couldn’t ignore. A pair of dark pools was watching me as he was taking a sip from his soda can. Not his beast eyes, his human eyes. And now, those were unsettling me more than the others. So, I looked away.
“I could offer some distraction,” he responded and I heard him approach me.
My eyes rolled like they usually did when he said anything, but I didn’t feel the annoyance that accompanied that gesture. It was more like playfulness now, and I didn’t want it.
“Cut the crap,” I shot back.
“I was talking sparring, but if you don’t want to touch me with your delicate, pristine fingers, I’d suggest you do some workout instead,” Dan sighed as if I was the nuisance, grabbed my ponytail and flipped it so that it hit me in the face.
It was pure instinct, plus my agitation that made me swing around, shift and grab him by his throat. I pushed him backwards until he collided with something, which was the same beam he had been leaning against.
“Whoa!” He lifted his arms and I could see the thin, dry-green around his irises take over the intense blue just a little. “How fast was that shift?”
In beast form I wasn’t sure if he was trying to distract me or if I really had surprised him. Anyhow, I was too distracted by having him close right then, and scenting more human than beast right now. I instantly knew that he was weaker and more vulnerable at that moment than me. Why didn’t he shift? Why didn’t he fight me? Why did he have to look at me with those human eyes of his that were so much more beautiful than his beast eyes? This was ridiculous. I loved the color of Jay’s eyes, when he was in his beast form. I loved the color of my own eyes when I was in beast form. But with Dan it was different.
I heard myself make a strange sound, which was somewhere in between a purr and a growl. And then, I made a huge mistake: I inhaled, deeply.
It’s not that I have never scented things, or that Daniel didn’t show me to scent the different odors like fear – I still feel bad for that little mouse he caught to show me – or stress, which was what Austin smelled like half of the time. But when I inhaled this time, I felt like I was drowning in his raw emotions. He wasn’t afraid of me, he wasn’t stressed either, but he wanted me, with every fiber of his body. It was almost as if he wanted me even more when I was glaring at him with my beast eyes. That scent was infectious, and it made me furious. Now, I definitely growled at him.
“What did I do now?” He asked, but I could see in his expression that he already had a few answers himself. “Do you want me to shift? Is that it? Do you want me to fight you? Or what do you really want?”
That last question silenced me and made me release his throat slowly, placing my clawed hand between his collarbones. I watched his skin give in to my claws. Right then he was so vulnerable and it slowly sunk in what that meant. He never gave up his beast form, he never showed his weaker, human side. Until now, to me and me only.
“Fight me.” I pushed these words through my teeth and it still sounded more like a plea than a challenge.
I was trying to will those beautiful blue eyes to turn into that burned grass green color and his body to shift into the form I had grown to know and to which I had become accustomed to. I was more comfortable with Dan being a beast than with him being human. It hurt me to see him like that. It reminded me of my own weakness and my own sympathy, something I wanted to leave behind.
I saw the irony in that. When Dan was Four he was the one not wanting to be human, because to him it wa
s equal with weakness. For me, being human meant to suffer, to mourn, to be helpless. But it was just a charade. Things don’t change just because you are able to shift into a powerful, strong, almost invincible being. Dan was teaching me again. And it hurt, because it showed me how truly helpless I still was.
I didn’t want to lose yet again. I couldn’t bear being defeated by him yet again. And it didn’t matter to me that he had been a beast for so much longer than I was.
He lifted his right hand slowly and brushed away that strand of hair that had fallen into my face, and I hated him for it. Dan smiled softly, meeting my stare, and I hated him for it. He dared to brush over my cheek with the back of his hand, and I hated him for it. And then, he possessed the impertinence to cup my face with his hands, and brush his thumb across my cheek. I was furious, yet, defeated.
“I can never make up for how I treated you down there,” he told me. “Needless to say I can’t stand the sight of myself when I look into the mirror.”
I only noticed that I was nuzzling into his hand when it was already too late, when it was already a shiver of utter comfort through my body.
“You might have saved Jay from being a beast,” he continued and hearing him say HIS name was a deep and painful sting right through my core. “But you pulled me out of that rubble, you nursed me back to health, despite what I did to you, despite of who I am to you.” His thumb tenderly, carefully brushed across my lower lip. “You know I want you, I wish I could deny it. I wanted you the second I laid eyes on you and I hated you for it.” Maybe it was a thoughtless act, but his thumb stopped in the middle of my lower lip, slightly pulling it down, before releasing it again. “I want you to hate me. Hurt me, if you must. I would do anything for you, and no matter what I do, I don’t deserve you, I know that. You’re his, and I know that.”
I grabbed that hand that sent all these strange tingles through my body and pulled it from my face.
“Stop,” I hissed. “Stop talking.”
“You are the best thing that happened to me,” he ignored my order and I was burning. “You are the only one who cares about me despite what a vile creature I am.” I squeezed his wrist, hurting him, but he didn’t stop. “I am yours. Even if he is alive, I will only obey you.”
My hand that had rested on his chest clawed into his shirt. It was too much. This guy, this man, this beast, only knew me for a few months and most of the time he had been a total ass and now he was proclaiming his loyalty and adoration for me. He didn’t say that he loved me. However, in between the lines it was just that, and I had no idea what to do with it. Maybe he intended to make me retreat or push me away with what he said. He knew perfectly well how much I despised him while ‘working’ with him ‘down there’, as he liked to call the compound. But things had undeniably changed. He had changed. I had changed. And the way he treated me was torture.
“Meghan,” he said softly and his voice was luring me in and pulling me close.
There was so much hurt and tenderness in his voice that I couldn’t ignore it and I didn’t want to. I knew that, in a way, he could understand what I was going through. He knew how it felt to give in to that black hole the beast tore into a human soul, how easy it was to give in and be a true savage beast.
I breathed out evenly and placed my forehead against his and closed my eyes. This wasn’t about shifting back; this was about feeling serenity in being what I was. Not really like I had felt when listening to the heartbeat of my unborn child. This was about finding it within myself. But I couldn’t find it.
I inhaled deeply, sucking in his scent, hoping that his restraint and calmness was just as infecting as his need, but it wasn’t. I was yearning so desperately for some moment of peace, but it didn’t come. It never did, no matter how eagerly I begged and prayed for it.
“It’s killing me,” I breathed out. “I can’t, I just can’t.”
His hands enfolded my face carefully and with a gentle force he guided my beastly mouth to his and he kissed me, tenderly, carefully, as if I would break if he wasn’t cautious. My instinctive hum sounded more like a purr and I silently begged, pleaded that he would stop. He didn’t, but I still tried to pull away, until I heard him make just the same sound I did just moments before, only lower and more animalistic. I opened my eyes, just to see the last seconds of him shifting into the same form I was in. I missed the deep, intense blue of his eyes when I met his bleached green ones, but it was just a fragment of time, drifting into oblivion. I could feel his hands change into clawed ones, but it didn’t make a difference how they held my face. The only new experience was how he kissed me. More eagerly, more desperately, pulling me towards him, while I slowly tore his shirt in half with the hand that had gripped the fabric tight. He didn’t budge, didn’t try to move me, apart from towards him. His hands slid down my face, across my neck, finding the rim of my shirt and tearing it easily. Feeling his paw like hands on my chest and stomach was an exciting sensation and I mirrored his action, exploring his now bare skin. He didn’t allow my mouth to escape, following it where I maneuvered it, keeping the connection as if his life was depending on it. His movement was swift when he snapped my brain half, just when my hands slid past his hips. I froze when I sensed him slowly cupping my breasts, first brushing his thumbs across my soft skin, almost as if he couldn’t believe the texture of them. Finally, his hands managed to halfway enfold them, just for his thumb and index finger to pinch my already erect nipples. It sent a searing hot flash through my nerves right down to the sensitive bud between my legs. I couldn’t help but growl. And that’s what snapped him into action. Whatever clothing was left covering my skin, he tore it away and I knew that there was no gentle way to stop him now. And he didn’t rest until the last thing I was wearing were my socks and shoes. I expected him to lift me up and ravage me, but he did the opposite. He fell onto his knees right before me, getting rid of the irritating fabric that was covering him, by simply tearing it away.
There, on his knees, he buried his face between my legs, using his hands to pull my sensitive flesh apart and violate me deliciously with his mouth and tongue, flushing away the last resistance I had in me. He bit and nipped and sucked on my clit and vulva, sending jolts of pleasure through my nervous system and driving me insane. I clawed my hands into his thick black hair, pulling him closer, not caring if he was in need of air. He didn’t need his hands to send me over the edge, his tongue was perfectly capable of doing that on its own. But he didn’t stop, no, he lifted me off my feet when I was riding out my first orgasm, placing my thighs on his shoulders, continuing to lick and suck on me until I wanted to scream, but there was no air left in my lungs.
“Fuck,” was all I managed to breathe out.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to just fuck me or make love to me. I was torn. Although the feeling of guilt was pushed into the darkest corners of my mind, I wasn’t sure what I needed. Probably both, probably anything that made me feel alive, because the only reason I was going on right now was the life growing beneath my heart. I had no drive or will to continue.
“I want you,” I heard myself whisper, hoarsely.
He was back standing up straight in a second, kissing me eagerly. I could taste myself on his lips. Just a fragment of time later I was spun around and gripping the steel beam with my hands. The icy cold metal pressed against my chest and stomach. His horny purr in my ear.
I could feel the hot tip of his cock against my soft entrance, and this time I welcomed it, arching my back, lifting my ass to meet him. And with one single thrust he slid inside me, filling me up. He filled that hole that was there inside of me ever since I watched Jay closing that door on me.
Dan growled into my right ear as he pushed deeper, until there was no space left. That one push obliterated everything in my mind and reduced me to the beast I was. I heard myself growl, knowing that Four would take it as encouragement. And he did. He started pounding, fucking me as if he had to make a point, to make a stand. I lost my mind right then and
there, clawing my hands to the steel beam that was the only thing that helped me battle the increased heat.
I was willing to be his tool of relief, being pounded from behind and be of no real meaning, when he grabbed me and turned me around to face him. He lifted me up as if I didn’t weigh anything, just to spear me forcefully, yet pleasurably. The moment he pressed himself into me completely, he also met my mouth. He was so gentle that it was a blatant contrast to what the lower part of his body did to me. I clawed my hands into his back and the back of his head as he continued to prod into me and made me feel all the delicious things I missed.
“I’m yours,” he purred, and it tore me into fragments.
Every movement of his was bliss, every pounding into my body was ecstasy. And I could lose myself in it. Nothing was better than to forget about everything, the pain and regret, the suffering and mourning. Dan was my ticket to oblivion and I couldn’t wait to punch it.
I grabbed his face and pulled it close, pressed it against my lips, eager to forget. And he didn’t stop moving, didn’t stop pounding, didn’t stop fucking me.
It wasn’t about him staking his claim. I was perfectly aware of that. It was more like the other way around. He had already declared his loyalty to me. I was his alpha, and everything he did and would do was in my interest. Just as pleasing me to ecstasy.
He was mine.
“Mine,” I heard myself growl lowly and he shuddered.
X X X
I woke up in my bed. I don’t know how much later, but I was starving. For the first time since the blast I felt a faint smile on my lips getting up. I showered quickly and went downstairs to see if there was anything edible in the fridge, just to be surprised: Sushi.
I hadn’t had that in ages and I didn’t remember telling either of the boys that I loved it. Needless to say that I started eating it with my fingers right away, enjoying the hot wasabi more than I should.
The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4) Page 7