The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4)

by D. S. Wrights

“If you think that will do the trick,” he said, seemingly untouched, “then you have to do it. I’m just not sure if he’ll go for it. Maybe we should show him.”

  This final sentence, it was so Four, so old Daniel, aiming for my annoyance, pushing me away, pretending that he didn’t care at all. How I wish I could just believe what he was trying to feed me. But I had learned to know him, and it freaking hurt.

  I wanted to play along and roll my eyes, fire back a snarky comment, act as annoyed as possible, but I couldn’t. I wish I could, but I…

  “If we get him to remember now,” I chose to ignore that sentence and argued, “he will turn, and we will get a chance to infiltrate the fortress. So, the clock is ticking. The longer they keep searching for him, the longer he is with us, the more our chances will decrease.”

  “You still want to go after them?” Austin asked, and I could hear the doubt in his words.

  “Yes, of course,” I responded, quite surprised. “They are still experimenting on humans, they have brainwashed our friends. We still need to expose them and free the others.”

  “I agree,” Daniel nodded.

  “I thought that…” Austin cut himself off, but no one continued the sentence or commented on it.

  Just because I had Jay back, at least halfway, didn’t mean that my motivation to go after these bastards had vanished. That was still the plan, at least for me, and Dan was obviously game with every decision I made. Which made me realize how loyal he was to me. I might not be his lover anymore, but that didn’t change the fact that I was his alpha. And that, that just reassured me with my decisions.

  Austin and Daniel had taken off, and if they didn’t get a call from me, they would be back in two hours. Yet, I had the feeling that it would be earlier, and they both would just wait outside the building, hoping they didn’t hear me scream or have to stop Ten from escaping.

  I might have seemed determined and self-assured when they left, but I sure as hell wasn’t. There was a lot to lose. And I wasn’t talking about the somewhat trust that Ten seemed to have built up regarding me. I potentially risked my unborn child’s life.

  When I approached the cage this time, Ten was standing straight, just as the first time I saw him in there. He knew something was up, because there was no hiding the fact that the other two people he had ever seen here had left. I produced a key out of my pocket and unlocked the door to open it.

  Understandably, Ten was skeptical, watching my every move. He had no idea what I would be doing next. After all, he was still chained and therefore restricted and I might have come to the decision that I would have to kill him in order to lose weight that held us back. Of course, I had never done or said something that might have indicated this possibility, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought of that.

  “Are you going to let me go?” He asked, cautiously, and his voice spoke of the fact that he wasn’t really believing in a positive answer to his question.

  “I can’t let you go,” I said, allowing all my emotions to show in how I spoke, and I watched confusion take over his face.

  Ten frowned, but he stayed human.

  “What are you doing then?” He asked, his voice faltered slightly.

  “I trust that you won’t hurt, me,” I spoke and stepped into the cage. “Do you trust me, too?”

  “I don’t know why, but I do,” he responded without thinking twice, which made me relax.

  “We’ve been here before, you know,” I explained, slowly. “Not in this place, but in this situation. Things were a bit different, circumstances, you and I. But there was a time when I was walking into your cage while you were chained to the wall.”

  “Yes,” he nodded and for a moment my heart stopped. “You’ve read to me about it, from my apparent diary.”

  I couldn’t hide the disappointment, and I didn’t want to. Instead, I took another step, ready to shift when he decided to let his mask drop, if he was wearing one. I was already within his reach. All he had to do was pounce and the chains would barely restrict him.

  “There is a second diary,” I continued talking calmly, “I can’t tell you what is in there. I haven’t read it. But as far as my guys told me, you wrote about being suspicious that your pack members were brainwashed while you were still recovering.”

  “You all keep insisting that I am this… Jay, but I can’t remember. That is not me. And if it was, I’m not that guy anymore.”

  “When we first met,” I stopped in front of him – he only had to lift his arm, and he would be able to easily touch me. “You were Ten, too. Until I called you Jay. You had been unable to warp back into your human form, you were tormented, hurting, confused, and out of control, but you trusted me. I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t know, didn’t remember who you once were, but I trusted you, too. Despite what you did to me.” With those words I lifted my shirt and he inhaled sharply as he saw the scars on my body; undeniably claw marks.

  I took the chance and grabbed his right hand by the wrist and placed his fingers onto the marks he had left on my body, right at the point where he had placed them all those months ago and had torn through my skin and flesh. With a little pressure, his fingers spread, fitting perfectly onto the lines of scarred flesh.

  Feeling his fingertips on my flesh again after more than three months, did things to me, but I stayed still, looking into his eyes, watching him as his eyes sprang between his hand and my face, trying to process what I was showing him.

  “I didn’t do that,” he reluctantly said, and I believed that I heard doubt in his voice, no, I knew it.

  I let go of his wrist, but his hand stayed where it was. Maybe he didn’t even notice, because his eyes were glued to my face, trying to read it, trying to find a lie, or mischief. Looking at his face, I thought I saw more. Maybe it wasn’t a recognition, but a connection. The very same thing I had felt, when he had first touched me, even while he wounded me. And something I hadn’t understood almost nine months ago.

  I didn’t even notice at first that I moved a little closer, or that I let my shirt drop, until I felt his fingertips move from my stomach across my side, almost to my back. I could feel his touch on my entire body. My heart was pounding wildly, and I was unable to tear my eyes from his. I was standing too close to someone who was an enemy, too close for even a friend. His scent washed over me like a wave and his warmth surrounded me like a cloak. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t even breathe.

  There was nothing left other than me needing him, than me waiting for him to lower his head and kiss me. Oh, how much I yearned for him to kiss me. I was so certain that at least some part of him felt a familiarity.

  He stepped back, his fingers gone, his touch gone and so was his warmth. I stumbled a few steps backwards as he broke the spell. My pain was physical.

  “I have a mate and it’s not you,” he pushed the words through his teeth, and they tore at me even worse than his claws ever possibly could.

  I gasped for air, looking at him in disbelief, my hand clasped at my shirt covering the spot where my heart was.

  “What?” I barely brought out.

  I was still within his reach, but I didn’t care.

  “You have my respect for finding out that we all have to write diaries,” he continued, suddenly so awfully cold. “And managing to forge my writing in two diaries is really remarkable, even finding out so many details. He didn’t tell you, did he? Four? He even put it in the second diary. He had to be the one to write it, because he knows that I have a mate. Why didn’t he tell you? He loves you, you know that. It’s obvious. And he hates me. For some reason he does, I just can’t remember it. I hate him, too, because he abandoned his pack to be with… you. You are different. I have to admit that. And you have a gravity about you that is mesmerizing. But I am mated. It doesn’t have an effect on me. I’m not going to betray my own.”

  Every word that came out of his mouth was another arrow hitting me. If it had been White, I would have been able to withstand them, but not from h
im. Not from Jay. Desperately, I tried to fight the tears that wanted to break from my body, I wrapped my arms around myself to keep all my emotions restrained. I was hurt, but most of all I was furious. This man in front of me, wasn’t my Jay.

  “You speak of not abandoning your own?” I didn’t scream, or cry, if it came close to anything then it was a growl. “You abandoned me! We were supposed to escape together! You let your own pack set bombs in the garage and then you shut the door on them, so that they would be killed, alongside you! You let me run out and closed the door on me! You let me watch you die, as we blew up the compound. You let me watch you die! You hated yourself and what you had become so much, that you would rather die than to live with me as a beast. You didn’t love me more than you hated yourself! Why?!” I gasped for air as my pain threatened to overcome my rage. “Did you love me less, because you infected me? Was it that? Couldn’t you imagine a future with me, because you made me a beast? Or was it your silly overcompensating righteousness? Did it make you feel great and worthy to sacrifice yourself by killing all the beasts Severin created? Not only sacrificed yourself, but your chance at happiness? Did you even once think about how I would feel? Did it ever occur to you that I loved you exactly for who and what you are?”

  Ten just stood there, thunderstruck, staring at me in a strange mixture of emotions. That’s when I realized that I had shifted into beast form.

  “You, Jay Flynn,” I said eerily calmly. “Abandoned the women you said you loved and your unborn son.”

  “…what?” This time it was his voice who faltered.

  “I didn’t tell you,” I explained. “I didn’t want to burden you with that until we were all out. Maybe, I should have told you. Maybe I should,” I swallowed the tears down. “That is the question I ask myself all the time, because obviously, you didn’t love me enough. Or maybe, in your self-loathing mind you thought I would be better off alone without you. And you know what? Maybe I am. Daniel would rip off his right arm before abandoning me. And that so ironic, Jay. Because he was the beast I despised most. But now, it’s you.”

  I turned my back on him, and I knew that I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have trusted Ten, because he wasn’t my Jay. For me, this guy was everything I hated about the compound and the board. But, I was just done with him.

  “Meg!”

  Him shouting my name made me freeze. He knew my weakness and exploited it, just as Daniel had warned me about. But, it sounded so much like him. So much.

  I heard him pounce and leaped forward to evade him, but apparently he had anticipated my move, because he landed right there where I was, grabbing me by my upper arms. I wanted to swing around and hit him, but he used that, too, making my momentum his advantage as he threw me to the left and my back crashed against the bars on the right side of the cell, pushing the air from my lungs. Ten moved between me and my escape route.

  Jay never would have done that. Not when he was in control.

  I played weak, made my chest heave and bent over, but I was simply gathering my strength to fight him.

  “You are a really good liar, Meghan,” Ten hissed. “I wonder who has trained you so well? Telling me that Four’s child is mine. If it were, you had to be at least six months pregnant, but you aren’t showing.”

  “It’s because the child is a beast, too,” I pretended to still be in pain but I had already recovered. “Even the doctor says it’s healthy and strong for four months. But it’s Jay’s son, not yours, Jay’s. Don’t tell me you can’t catch his scent inside of me. Don’t tell me your senses aren’t strong enough to know that this child has your genes.”

  He moved in on me and I waited for him to get close enough. Ten really started sniffing, just as he had the first time we had met. There was not an atom of doubt in my body that this was Jay’s child, but I caught myself wishing for a brink of a second that it wasn’t. However, my son was obviously all that was left of my Jay.

  “This can’t be possible,” Ten whispered and I knew that this was my chance, my opportunity, to let out all that caged rage and let it rain down on him.

  I lunged at him, digging my claws into his chest and pushed him into the bars opposite from me. Twisting around I kicked him straight in the stomach as he bounced back into my direction. I didn’t think, I acted. Catching the chain that had the most slack as I moved forward, I brought it around his neck swiftly and pulled, forcing him back against the bars again.

  I bared my teeth at him, smelling the blood I had drawn, and along with it fear, panic. He was at my mercy, and I was feeding off it. I watched him claw at the chain that was suffocating him and felt myself smile.

  “Meg!” Someone shouted my name, I didn’t care. “Meg! Stop!”

  I wanted this festering parasite to die. I wanted to free myself from that black hole he had planted within me. I wanted to be able to breathe again. I wanted it all gone.

  Suddenly, I was pulled back, and I stumbled. A pair of strong arms grabbing me like iron, and I fell backwards along with them. I saw Ten gasp for air desperately. Triumphantly I noticed that his skin had turned blue. I started to struggle. Just a moment longer, a second later, and I would have ended this pathetic excuse of a living being.

  “Hush, Kitten, calm down,” I heard Daniel whisper into my ear softly, almost purring.

  He did not let go of me, even though I clawed at his arms, hurting him. Stoically, he endured it, as I didn’t want to calm down, because Ten was recovering, pulling the heavy chain from his neck, hauling air into his lungs.

  “No, no!” I growled, still struggling. “He hurt me!”

  “Hush,” Dan pressed his lips against my temple.

  “He threatened my son!” I heard myself roar as if that voice didn’t belong to me.

  Daniel planted a kiss to where his lips touched me and instead of holding me back, he started to rock me.

  “It’s okay, Meghan, calm down, breathe,” he ordered gently. “Breathe, sweetness, breathe.”

  Finally, I listened and took deep breaths. The blind, white hot rage I had felt dropped from my body like a blanket I wasn’t able to cling to, and realization punched me right in the face.

  “Oh my God, oh my God!” I started to ramble and tears burst from my eyes, eventually breaking the dam I had so desperately enforced.

  I turned around, into Daniel’s caring embrace, burying my face against his neck, tearing at his shirt. I heard him say something like “Don’t you dare move,” to Jay, as he maneuvered me into his arms, so he could easily lift me up, as he got onto his feet.

  “One thing hasn’t changed, chief,” Dan told him, while he was walking me out of the cage. “You still are a fucking idiot.”

  Day 73

  When I woke up, I honestly thought it all had been just a terrible nightmare. It just took me a second to realize that it wasn’t, because I smelled Dan’s scent all over me and the pillow my head was resting on turned out to be his chest. He had his arms wrapped around me tightly and I was pulling him against me with my hands knotted into his shirt, which was still wet from my tears.

  I was close to bawling again and stopped myself by inhaling deeply. As soon as I did that, Dan started rubbing my back, easing the tension that instantly had taken over my body again.

  “Oh God,” I breathed against his chest.

  “He’s alive,” he instantly told me. “Thanks to being a beast. Otherwise, you would have crushed it.”

  Daniel was teasing me, and despite how macabre the situation was, I had to grin, because he was right. I would have crushed Ten’s windpipe if he had been nothing but a human.

  “You’re an asshole,” I murmured, fighting against the improper expression on my face.

  “Happy to be of service, madam rage,” he responded.

  “Stop it,” I smacked his butt.

  “Make me,” he purred.

  Before I knew what I was doing I held his face hostage and conquered his mouth. He pulled me closer, allowing me to have my way with him, while he press
ed my body against his. All the tension, all the dark shadows that tried to haunt me were forgotten. Everything that troubled me, the consuming black holes, the aching pain, the ice cold shock, the looming despair, the hurting disappointment, all of it vanished by the way he gave in to my kiss.

  It made me panic in my own special way, as I realized something I never thought was possible.

  “God, what did you do to me?” I rambled.

  “I beg your pardon?” Daniel was honestly confused.

  I pressed my forehead against his chest and he – as if it was the most natural thing in the word – placed his chin on top of my head.

  “I love you, you moron.”

  He was dead silent after that and for a moment I thought I had rendered him unconscious. I knew that I just had said something he never thought I would say to him, so I allowed him a moment to recover.

  “Say that again,” he sort of begged and demanded.

  “I love you, Daniel, fucktard.”

  Grabbing my face, he pulled me from his chest and looked at me, inquisitorially.

  “Say that again,” this time his voice was spilling over with emotion.

  “I love you,” I repeated while looking into his eyes.

  “Damn you,” he murmured, and then leaned in to kiss me so softly that it hurt in the most gentle way; and I, I just allowed myself to get lost in it.

  X X X

  Daniel allowed me to sleep in, and when I woke up this time, I wasn’t worried or scared that he wasn’t lying in bed with me. His scent was still lingering in my sheets.

  It took me a long time to process what had happened, that I had almost killed Jay, because I had tried to kill Ten. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about that. But he had hurt me and I was pregnant. It made sense that my motherly instincts kicked in. And with that in mind, it was Ten’s own fault. Apart from that, I had defeated him and in nature defeating an alpha meant that the victor was the new alpha. And that got me out of bed.

  While walking down the stairs, I glared at Ten in his cage and he sat there looking crestfallen and intimidated. Sucking that image in, I went to the kitchen and got my bowl of cereal, eating it with my back turned to him.