Choices

by Sydney Lane

  “Sleep, Quince. Just go to sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.” Instead of pushing me away, he pulls me close again. With my head on his chest, I fall into a deep, peaceful sleep.

  Chapter 16

  Someone is beating on the door. “Quince, are you in there? You better open this door or I’m coming in.” Jenna is better than an alarm clock. And much more annoying.

  I roll over and realize I am alone in the bed. He left. He left without saying goodbye. I sit up and look around. Every trace of him is gone. What happened to discussing this in the morning?

  “Yeah, yeah. Come on in.” I mumble, and each word echoes inside my head. I didn’t drink that much, but I know this must be what a hangover feels like.

  Jenna bursts into the room, a woman on a mission. “You weren’t in the room you were supposed to be in, and you weren’t answering your phone. I was about to call the police.” So, now she’s worried about me. She sits on the bed beside me, “So what happened?”

  “Well, someone either took my room or locked me out last night.” I’m still confused as to how I ended up in Brody’s bed. But I’m glad I did. “Um, Jenna, this is Brody’s room.”

  Jenna jumps off the bed, with her hands on her hips, and demands, “Quince, you better get to talking. I need to know if I’m going to have to go kick his ass.” That might be funny if I didn’t think she would actually do it.

  “First, where is Eric?” If we’re going to talk about this, I don’t want anyone to hear us.

  “All of the guys left about an hour ago. Remember they were going hiking? They wanted to leave before it gets too hot.” She finally sits down again. “So, tell me. What happened last night?” Thank God, we won’t be doing the walk of shame.

  “Jenna, it was the most amazing night. I came up here, and the door was locked. I was drinking a little bit, so I just figured I heard Brody wrong. So, I came in this room and fell asleep. I thought I heard Brody say something, but it felt like I was dreaming. At some point, I woke up, and he was lying beside me. I accidentally woke him up. Now, Jenna, don’t go crazy. We kind of made out.” I have to admit that I feel some pleasure when her jaw drops to the floor.

  “Wait. You were drinking? I mean, why?” Of all the things I said, this is what she hears.

  “Jenna! Didn’t you hear me? I made out with Brody! Help me out here.” I know what happened; I’m not that stupid. I just don’t know how to act around him now. I mean, we’ve never even been on a date.

  “Girl, it doesn’t sound like you need any help,” she laughs and pats me on the leg. “You seem to be doing just fine on your own. Let’s get going before the guys get back. I don’t know, but it might be hard explaining where you stayed last night.” She jumps up and leaves the room as if she’s floating on air. I often wish I could be like her, just rolling with the punches. Thinking too much, trying to be in control…. Well, that just isn’t any fun.

  I meet Jenna in the hall, and when we head downstairs, I am again amazed by this place. The cabin was beautiful last night, but it is more stunning in the daylight. I can’t believe Brody doesn’t come up here every chance he gets because I certainly would. I wouldn’t be able to stay away. There is something very calming about the cabin, about being tucked away up here all alone in the mountains.

  It feels weird to be leaving in the clothes I came in. I have never done that before. Of course, I’ve never slept in bed with a guy before either. Maybe Brody being gone this morning saved me some discomfort. I wouldn’t have known what to say to him, and I hate the idea of morning breath or any other embarrassing bodily functions. But I would have loved to see that tattoo. And his eyes. Don’t forget the eyes.

  We get into Jenna’s car, roll down the windows, turn up the music, and enjoy the drive. I’m a terrible singer, but it doesn’t keep me from singing loudly. Lucky for me, Jenna is the only person who never complains.

  Chapter 17

  I spend the rest of the day studying and writing a paper. Having a job definitely makes me prioritize. I have to work a couple of nights this week, so I’m trying to get ahead while I can. I even try to tackle my laundry on my own.

  My mom has completely spoiled me. To be honest, I never really had chores to speak of. She always said it was because I had a job at a local restaurant, but deep down, I knew it was guilt. There was a lot of guilt being passed around in my family. My parents felt guilty because they were certain they were somehow responsible for Katie’s illness, like she may have been different if they had just been better parents. They felt guilty that they didn’t have enough time and affection left over for me. Katie, when manic, would do things she felt guilty for when she came down from her high. It would feed her depression and rob her of joy. I felt guilty, oh so guilty, for being normal when my sister suffered so much. I am ashamed for wishing that I could hide her away from the world.

  Just as I’m putting my books away, my phone rings. Speak of the devil.

  “Hey, Katie. What’s up?” She catches me with my guard down, a mistake I don’t make often.

  “You are such a liar. You said you would come home this weekend, but you didn’t. You’re off making new friends, and you don’t even think about me. I’m gonna die someday, and you will regret treating me like this.” She doesn’t waste any time getting to the point.

  “Katie, that is not true. I was invited to a party, and we ended up staying out late. I plan on coming home next weekend.” I don’t know why I’m even trying to explain anything while she is like this. It won’t help and might even make it worse.

  “Liar! You don’t care. I’m stuck here while you’re out there doing whatever you want. You don’t even think about me or how I feel. You’re just ‘so perfect’. Everybody thinks you’re an angel, but you’re not. Someday, they’re going to find out who you really are.” Every word is a dagger, sharpened and thrown with precision. They’re meant to cut deep, and they do.

  “I’ll be home soon. Is Mom there? I need to talk to her.” If she’s doing this to me, there is no telling what she’s doing to my parents. When she is like this, no one is spared.

  “Why? So you can tell her how horrible I am? So you can turn her against me? You know what? Don’t bother coming home. Nobody wants you here anyway.” Click. She hangs up on me.

  As always, she controlled the entire phone call. She initiated it, said what she wanted to say, and ended it. The same wounds are torn open and picked apart before they’ve even had a chance to heal.

  I am sitting on my bed, staring down at my phone. That is how Jenna finds me. “Katie?” I nod my head. She knows me so well. Unfortunately, she knows Katie, too. “Aw, honey. You know she’s just gone off again. She’ll have her temper tantrum and be back to normal, probably by the next time you talk to her.”

  “I know. But Jenna, it’s getting hard to just overlook what she does. If she won’t take her medicine, she won’t ever stop this. I can’t just keep excusing her because she’s sick. She needs help, and I can’t be the one to give it to her.” I can’t keep letting her tear me down to build herself up.

  “Come on. Let’s get out of here and go get something to eat.” Jenna and food. What else could a girl need? Sometimes, I wonder if I would have ever had the courage to leave Collier if Jenna hadn’t been with me.

  Before I even get dressed, my phone rings again. I take a deep breath and pick up my phone. I am relieved it’s my mom. “Hey, Mom.”

  “Quince, what’s this about you being out partying all weekend?” She sounds worried, and I don’t know why she lets Katie get to her. She’s done this type of thing several times in the past.

  “Mom, I didn’t spend all weekend partying. I went to a party last night, but I have been studying all day.” I mean, seriously. When have I ever spent the weekend partying?

  “Well, I didn’t know what to think. Katie just said you didn’t come home because you were out all weekend. She must have gotten confused. So tell me about this party. Did you have fun?” She switches gea
rs easily, and I let her.

  “Yeah, Mom. It was nice. I met a lot of people. But I gotta get caught up on my studying tonight. Can I call you later?” Being away from home has really opened my eyes, and I just don’t know if I can face it tonight.

  Chapter 18

  That night, Declan calls me, and we talk for an hour. He is like a breath of fresh air, and I find myself laughing and talking like I have never done before. It is just what I need to take my mind off Katie’s phone call.

  We’re making plans to go to the movies when he says, “Oh, great. I think Brody brought a girl home with him. I probably won’t get any sleep tonight, if you know what I mean.” Yes, I know exactly what he means.

  Making the excuse of needing to go to bed, we say goodnight. My heart betrays me as a single tear rolls down my cheek. I cannot believe I was so stupid. Guys like Brody never change, and they never, ever fall for girls like me.

  The week passes quickly. Brody isn’t in class on Monday, so I assume he had a late night with his visitor the night before. I check the work schedule and find that we do not work the same shift until Friday.

  On Wednesday, I see Brody for the first time since the night at the cabin. I knew I’d have to face him sooner or later, but I didn’t expect it to hurt so much. He walks into class, and every intention I had of ignoring him fails. He looks so good, and he smiles when he sees me. I think I might be sick.

  “Quince, is something wrong?” He asks. I realize I have been glaring at him since

  he walked in. I don’t trust myself to speak, so I lower my head and get my laptop out of my backpack. Nothing is wrong. Nothing at all. He sits in his usual seat, but I can feel him watching me.

  When Declan sits next to me, I am relieved. Throughout class, I try to steal glances at Brody, but every time I do, he catches me. It’s hard to pretend that nothing happened last weekend. Every time I look at his mouth, I remember kissing those lips. And when I look at his hands, I remember him touching me in places that nobody has ever been.

  When class is dismissed, I practically run from the room. I am only steps away from escape when Declan yells my name. He knows I can hear him, so I look back over my shoulder. “Am I still picking you up at 8 tonight?”

  One look at Brody is all I need to know he’s pissed. He stops walking, waiting as if he wants to hear my answer, too. “Yeah, I’ll be ready by then.” Take that, Brody. He starts walking in my direction, like a man on a mission, and I walk away as quickly as I can without running.

  Just when I think I’m in the clear, I feel a hand wrap around my wrist. He pulls me around the corner, “Where are you going in such a hurry, Quince? You were coming in my hand on Saturday, but you can’t talk to me today?”

  I cannot believe he just said that. “Yeah, and you were gone the next morning, with not so much as a goodbye, see you later, or thanks for last night. So you have no right to be pissed at me.”

  He steps into me, backing me up against the wall. “That’s what this is about? I went hiking, and you know what I thought about the whole time? You. It was you, Quince. Every step I took, I remembered the way your body felt against mine. I watched you sleeping, and it took everything I had to walk out of that room. But I did it for you. I was protecting you. But the next time you’re in my bed, no one will be leaving. Not until I’m so exhausted I can’t move another inch.”

  Wow. I forget why I am mad at him. Looking into his eyes, I almost forget we are on a crowded campus, with people walking by. I lick my lips, and he groans.

  “See? I know you feel it, too. Why are you running from it? Because you can’t run from it. Believe me, I’ve tried.” He lowers his face, and I hold my breath. “Quince, you’re making me crazy. You are under my skin, but I don’t share. I can’t share you with him.”

  Those words bring me crashing back to reality. “Why not, Brody? You expect me to watch you with your little groupies. I’m not just another one of your one night stands.”

  “Oh, I know that. Believe me when I say one night with you would never be enough.” I push past him and walk away with as much dignity as I can salvage.

  Chapter 19

  Declan and I hold hands as we walk to the theater right off campus. I find that I can let my guard down when I talk to him. Jenna has been with Eric every night this week, and I have been so busy I didn’t realize how lonely I’ve been.

  “So, my sister called, and she was in one of her moods. She was mad that I didn’t come home last weekend, and she said some really mean things to me. I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until I moved. Now, I dread going home because I never know how she’s going to be.” I can’t believe I’m telling him this.

  He gives my hand a quick squeeze and stops me in the middle of the sidewalk. “You know you don’t deserve that, right? You are one of the sweetest, most genuine girls I’ve ever met. Don’t believe any of it, and don’t ever change for anyone. You’re pretty special just the way you are.”

  And just like that, all of my insecurities slip away. Declan has such a calming manner about him. When he tells me I am special, I actually believe him.

  The movie is a comedy, and I laugh so much my sides hurt. I haven’t had this much fun since I can remember. I kind of like that we have so much in common.

  When we are walking back, Declan is unusually quiet. I’m beginning to think I’ve done something wrong, but he finally says something. “Quince, you know I like you a lot. I want to go out again. I mean, what I’m trying to say is that I’d like to see where this goes.”

  I am at a loss for words. We continue to walk, and I try to think of an appropriate response. There is unfinished business with Brody, but I don’t want to lose this friendship either. “I think I’d like to see where it goes, too. I have to be honest with you, though. I’ve never really had a boyfriend, but there is a guy I’ve been talking to. I don’t think it’s going anywhere, but I needed to tell you that.”

  He is silent for a few minutes, and I am beginning to think I’ve ruined everything. “Ok, I guess that’s all I can ask for. At least you are being honest about it. It’s just that I am a little shocked to hear that.” He lifts one side of his mouth into a smile, “I only have one request. Give this, us, a chance.” He is so adorable, I wonder how I could ever want anyone else.

  When we get back to the dorm, he stops about two steps from the top, so that I am eye level with him. “I meant it, Quincy. I will give you the space you need, but I really would like to try this.” And standing here, on these steps, he gives me the most gentle, heartfelt kiss I could have imagined. My heart doesn’t stop, and my toes don’t curl. But it’s the kind of kiss that makes you feel cherished.

  I watch him as he walks away, and I do a little happy dance. I’ve never had a boyfriend, but I think I’d like to try. In the past, I was so busy trying to be perfect that I didn’t have much of a social life. Guys never really approached me, and it didn’t bother me. Besides, letting people get close to me meant that they might get too close to the truth. I knew my parents would want to meet anyone I dated, but I didn’t want to bring them to our house. Katie has a way of choosing the perfect times to have a meltdown.

  My phone rings, and I smile as I think of Declan. He’s probably calling to tell me good night. But, looking down, I don’t recognize the number. “Hello?” I always answer my phone, just in case it’s Katie.

  “Hey, it’s Brody. You got a minute?” I would have recognized his voice anywhere. I take the phone away from my ear and look at it. Is this some kind of joke?

  “Brody, what do you want? I think we said everything we needed to say earlier.” No matter what I tell myself, it’s becoming obvious that I can’t stop thinking about him. I only have to hear his voice to forget why I was even upset to begin with.

  “No, you said what you wanted to say. You didn’t even give me a chance to defend myself.” He pauses, waiting for me to say something. “Quince, I just wanted my voice to be the last one you heard before you go to sleep to
night. Sweet dreams, babe.” And for the second time today, someone hangs up on me.

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Right when I think I know what I should do, he rips my good intentions to shreds. If his plan was to confuse me, he has succeeded.

  When I walk into my dark, silent dorm room, I think he will probably succeed in his stated goal as well. His voice is the last one I hear before crawling in bed, and it is the only one I hear in my dreams.

  Chapter 20

  When I get ready for work Friday, I spend a little more time than usual getting ready. I pretend it’s only because I want to look and feel nice, but I know the truth. Brody is working tonight, and I want him to notice me.

  I’m already working when I see him walk in. Why does he have to look so good? He’s dressed just like the rest of us, but he is irresistible with his unruly hair and five o’clock shadow. He hasn’t shaved today, and even though I thought it was impossible, he looks even better than he usually does.

  All I have to do is close my eyes, and I imagine him leaning down to kiss me. I remember the look on his face and the sound of his voice when he told me I got under his skin. I can smell his skin, fresh and outdoorsy. I’ve always hated listening to girls talk about boys. It’s almost obsessive, and it’s definitely annoying. As I stand here, watching him and remembering him touching me, I have a startling revelation. I am becoming one of those girls.

  Throughout the night, I feel his eyes on me. When I look toward the bar, he meets my gaze head on. He’s throwing down the gauntlet, waiting for me to make the next move. Every time I go to the bar, he makes my drinks and hands them to me himself. A few times, his hand brushes against mine, and that simple touch ignites a spark in my body.