Choices

by Sydney Lane

Being this close to him and not knowing what he’s thinking is torture. Every nerve in my body reacts to him, craving something it didn’t know existed until a few weeks ago. I just hope I have enough sense to control it.

  “You’re doing it again.” Alex sneaks up behind me. “You couldn’t be more obvious if you went over and sat on his lap.”

  “Alex, you might need to get your eyes checked since you aren’t seeing things clearly.” I try to act like I have no idea what she’s talking about. Am I being that obvious?

  “Oh, I see just fine. You are the one who needs new glasses.” She tosses her ponytail over her shoulder and walks away.

  When I finish my shift, all I can think about is going home. This week has been physically and emotionally draining. I’m going to put on my PJs, watch senseless TV…. Jenna has other plans.

  Jenna: Party @ the house

  Me: I’m tired

  Jenna: Oh, come on! Pleeeeeeez!

  Me: Oh, fine

  There is no way I can go to a party dressed like this, so I go back to the dorm and change into a sundress and cowboy boots. You can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girl. I’ve heard that my whole life and I’m finding that it’s very true.

  I walk into the fraternity house and know immediately it was a mistake to come. I am tired, and these drunk people are already getting on my nerves. It’s humid, crowded, and overwhelming. Some of the guys loudly greet me, and I am glad they remember me. It always feels awkward walking into a place where I don’t know everyone.

  “Hey! Jenna and Declan are playing cards downstairs. Drinks are in the fridge. Help yourself to whatever you want,” one of the guys says. He is a loud, boisterous guy, and I immediately like him. He looks like a big teddy bear.

  I head to the kitchen and manage to find a Sprite in the fridge. I find the stairs, and with each step I take, I get a little more nervous. There is a tiny part of me that wants to run away, but I do want to see Declan. He always makes me smile, and I love our little chats.

  “Quincy! Come over here! I’m losing my tail, and I’m hoping you’ll bring me some luck,” Declan yells. He acts so excited to see me that I can’t help but smile. At least one person is happy to see me tonight.

  The room is quite large, and there are three tables crowded with players. As I go pull up a chair next to Declan, I try to look around the room without being obvious. I don’t see Brody, so I let out the breath I had been holding since I arrived.

  Jenna is standing at a table next to Eric. When she lays her hand on his shoulder, he places his hand over hers and gazes up at her. He has a look of pure happiness on his face, and when she leans down to whisper in his ear, he absently rubs the back of her bare leg with his free hand. I am suddenly aware of just how much they look like a couple, and I’m a little envious at how easy they make it look.

  I feel Brody before I see him. The air suddenly changes, and it’s as if I can hear the hum of electricity. I turn just in time to see him frowning in my direction. Great. He saw me first. But he turns away, not even acknowledging me.

  The only table with an empty seat is the one where Eric is playing. Instinctively, I know that’s where Brody will go. And that’s where I’m going, too. I interrupt Declan to tell him I’m going to check on Jenna. When I stand up, Brody turns to watch me, but I try to act like I don’t notice.

  He looks better every time I see him. Like me, he has changed out of his Players uniform. Wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt, he couldn’t have looked better if he’d been wearing a suit. His hair looks just like I would have expected it to look if I’d woken up beside him. I avoid his eyes because I’m not sure what I’ll see there. And I don’t want him to see the effect he’s having on me.

  I pull a chair up between Eric and the empty chair next to him. Jenna smiles knowingly at me. Hopefully, I’m not that transparent to Brody. “Want to play? We’ll go easy on you, but we’ll still take your money.” Eric jokes. He’s trying to play with Jenna sitting on his lap, but I’m pretty sure the game is not what’s on his mind.

  “I’m in. I’ll even show Quince how to play a little.” Brody sits down next to me, just like I had planned. When he is around, my body has a mind of its own. My cheeks burn, my heart races, and my body aches. Just. For. Him.

  “I’m not a great partner, so if you lose, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.” I’m giving him a chance to change his mind.

  He sits in the chair next to me. When his leg brushes against mine, I almost jump out of my skin. I jerk my leg away, and I see him smile as he leans into me. “I bet you’d be a great partner.” Wow. All of the blood in my body just rushed between my legs. It is almost painful, sitting this close to him.

  The dealer deals the cards, and Brody picks up his hand. He explains each move to me, and I find it easier to understand than I thought it would be. He smells so good, more enticing than any cologne available. His blue eyes are enchanting, and I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world when he turns them on me. His lips are full, and I wonder if they’ll taste as good as they did last weekend. He smiles wickedly and leans into me, “I might have to call your bluff. Baby, you don’t have a good poker face.”

  I burst out laughing as what he says registers. It puts me at ease, and I find myself enjoying the game. He is a good teacher, serious but patient.

  “Hey, Eric and I are heading upstairs. Come find me when you’re done.” Jenna says they are going to dance, but I have a feeling I won’t find her there later. They can’t keep their hands off of each other.

  I glance back at Brody, and his expression is suddenly dark. He doesn’t seem to like being left alone with me. When I start to stand, he puts a hand on my knee. “Don’t go.” He jerks his hand away, but his eyes continue to plead with me. I sit back down, and his eyes roam over me. Everywhere he looks comes alive. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

  I look over my shoulder at Declan. He is having a good time, and when he sees me, he smiles broadly. Giving me a thumbs up, he goes back to his game. I hear Brody clear his throat, and when I look at him, he has an odd expression on his face. Leaning closer to me, he whispers, “Do you want to go somewhere else?” I nod. “Can you go to my room? I’ll be up there in a minute.”

  Trying not to look suspicious, I stand and say, “I’m going to find Jenna. Thanks for the tutorial, Brody.” He waves his hand, as if he’s dismissing me. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this.

  I slip silently out of the room, not looking back. As I walk up the stairs, I try to look like I know where I’m going. I know exactly where Brody’s room is, but I’ve never been inside. There are a few people in the hall, waiting for the bathroom. I join the line, and when I am the last person waiting, I hurriedly open Brody’s door and slip inside.

  Closing the door, I lean back against it and take a deep breath. I fumble around for the light switch and flip it on. Looking around Brody’s room, I feel like a thief in the night. It’s like eating fruit from the forbidden tree.

  There is a large corkboard on one wall. He has his work and school schedules tacked up right alongside pictures of his family. I immediately recognize pictures of the mountains near the cabin, and I wish I was there now instead of hiding in a room, hoping no one knows where I am. This is insane.

  This room is much larger than Declan’s. There is enough room for a large bed and desk. A sofa is pushed against one wall, facing a television and stereo. I don’t know exactly what to do with myself, so I sit on the sofa. That makes me a little less nervous than the bed. I can hear the party going on around me, music blaring through the walls and people stumbling down the hallway.

  Just as I’m going down the long list of all the reasons why this is a bad idea, Brody opens the door and steps inside. Standing with his back against the door, he looks as if he could devour me. It excites me, but I am afraid of the unknown. “You really are here, in my room. Do you know how many times I’ve imagined this? How many times I lay
in my bed, thinking about you?” I feel bared to him, as if his eyes penetrate every barrier I have in place.

  “So, what am I doing here, Brody?” I ask, and my voice cracks. I hope he doesn’t notice. I clear my throat and try again, “You confuse me. I’m not really sure what you want from me.”

  “Quince, it’s not about what I want from you. It’s about what I want with you,” he says as he walks toward me. When he extends his hand to me, I put my hand in his. Pulling me to my feet, he steps into me. I’m sure my body was made just for his.

  The music vibrates through the walls, and he begins to slowly dance with me. I lay my head on his chest and close my eyes. My other senses are heightened as I breathe him in. This must be what temptation and passion smell like. Every touch awakens a new desire in me, and I want to taste him.

  Rising to my tiptoes, I press my lips to his neck. His head falls back as he sucks in a breath. I grow braver, licking and sucking the exposed skin under his ear. Reaching behind me, he tangles his hands in my hair and whispers, “Fuck, Quince. You are driving me crazy.” Knowing I can make him feel this way gives me courage.

  I lift my head and watch him. His chest is visibly rising and falling, his eyes are closed, and his body is tense. I move my hands down his chest, until I reach his waist. When I lift his shirt, he reaches over his shoulder and pulls it over his head. I step back into him, and he bends to kiss me. No matter where he touches me with his hands, his lips moving on mine, his tongue pushing into my mouth, that is the most sensual of all. It’s addictive.

  I imitate him, trying to give as much as I receive. Winding my arms around his neck, I wrap my fingers in his hair. Suddenly, we are moving as he pushes me backward, until my back is against the wall. He lifts me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist. His hands are on my thighs, pulling me into him. My dress rises up, and his hands are on my bare skin. His tongue swirls on my neck, and he begins licking his way down my chest.

  Sensing an opportunity, I reach over and turn off the light. His head snaps up. “Why did you do that? I want to see this beautiful body of yours.” There is a streetlight shining through the window, and I can see his face in the shadows.

  “It’s just embarrassing to me. I’ve never done this before…” I trail off, realizing I might have said too much. He lowers his head, kissing my neck. I am so sensitive everywhere he touches me, and my movements grow more frenzied against him.

  “You’ve never done this before or you’ve never done any of this before?” He pulls back, watching my face. Instead of answering, I use my thighs to pull him closer. When I try to kiss him, he pulls back. “No, wait a minute. You’re not… I mean, you have done this before, right?”

  I shake my head, knowing it might end everything. “Quince, are you saying you’re a virgin?” I nod and look away. “Shit, baby. I don’t want to do it like this, hiding in my room at a fraternity party. You deserve so much more than that.” He bends to kiss me, much more gently, taking his time. “But there are other things we can try.” And he begins to show me.

  Lowering my feet to the ground, he leads me to the bed. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his head down to kiss me. I don’t want him to stop. When he is touching me, I feel beautiful and wanted. It chases away my insecurities and leaves me breathless.

  He sits on the bed and pulls me onto his lap, my legs straddling his body. My dress is pushed up over my hips, and I feel exposed. But when he kisses me again, I forget everything. His lips move from my mouth to my neck. My head falls back, exposing my chest to him, and he begins kissing me lower. I press my hips into his, and I can feel the bite of his zipper pressing into me. “My God, Quince, you feel so good. I want you so much, it’s all I think about.” His words make me want more, and I feel the tension building inside of me. His hands wrap round my hips, rocking me back and forth. I close my eyes, and I lose control when my body shatters around us. Again, I am shocked by the intensity of the moment. He slows our movements, and kisses me tenderly. Pulling me close, we remain wrapped around each other for several minutes, neither of us saying a thing, as our breathing becomes even.

  “Quince, have you told him? Does he know you have someone else waiting for you?” Instantly, I come crashing back to earth.

  “I told him there is someone else. I’m working on it.” I don’t know how, but I will tell him something. I slide off of his lap and slowly stand. I’m already feeling guilty… and overwhelmed. Smoothing my clothes, I look at the ground.

  “Quince, look at me. I’m not like him. I don’t do the girlfriend thing, and I’m not good for you. But so help me, I want you. I don’t deserve you or any of this. If you’re looking for more, I don’t know, baby, if I can be that guy.” When he looks into my eyes like this, I can see a war waging inside of him. “Tell me you want this, too.”

  I nod my head. “I want this. I want you, too.” I decide right then and there that I will take whatever he gives me.

  Smiling crookedly, he says, “Next weekend is Labor Day weekend, and we have three days off. Friday night, after work, we can leave and go to the cabin. If we do this, we’re not doing it here. You have all week to decide if you want to go. Just remember, if you do, there is no turning back.”

  I can’t speak; I just turn toward the door. I have to get out of here, away from him, so that I can think more clearly. He pulls my back into him and gently places a kiss to my bare shoulder. “Just think about it.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. And then I walk out the door.

  Chapter 21

  Jenna and I leave for Collier first thing Saturday morning. I am so glad to see her smiling face. With class, work, and her time with Eric, we haven’t spent as much time together as I thought we would. This morning, she’s not pulling any punches. “So, what’s going on with you and your men?”

  “My men? Let’s talk about your man.” I want to talk to her, but I don’t want to steal her thunder. She is happy, and I don’t want my drama to overshadow that.

  “OK, so I totally know you just changed the subject. But I will let you only because I adore Eric, and I would love to talk about him. Well, you know I spent the night over there twice this week? Girl, he is so hot! If we don’t do something soon, I might spontaneously combust! He’s so romantic, and I think he’s the real deal. You know what I mean?” She has a way of drawing you into her stories, relaying them with her usual dramatic flair.

  “Jenna!” I giggle. “Why don’t you just jump his bones? Seriously, what’s he gonna do? Push you off?” I know that if Jenna ever shows him her sexy side, he won’t be able to resist. She’s just that hot.

  “Don’t think I haven’t thought about it! I just know I don’t want to mess this up. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, and even if I don’t like it, what he says makes sense.” She suddenly turns to me. “That’s it. Now, it’s your turn. What’s up with the hotties?”

  “Really, Jenna? The hotties?” I scoff, but I have to agree with her. “To answer your question, I did tell Declan that I can’t get serious because I’m talking to someone else, but we talk every night. The other night, he kissed me. It was so precious. But last night, I made out with Brody again.”

  “You did what? When?” Her eyes are round, and she is visibly shocked. I must have been more stealth than I thought.

  “I went to his room during the party. When I left, I sent a text to Declan, telling him I got tired and went home. Anyway, Jenna, when Brody touches me, I lose my mind. I didn’t even know it was possible to have an orgasm without having sex, and he’s all I think about.” I’m fully aware that I’ve now lied to Declan twice. What has gotten into me?

  “What the hell? He gave you an orgasm? Wait. Nevermind. I can totally see Brody giving someone an orgasm just by looking at them. You, my friend, are in trouble.” It feels so good to have someone I can talk with about this.

  We chat the rest of the way home, and I am again reminded of how blessed I am to have her. Girl talk fixes everything. It helps me forget
my worries, and I relax as we get closer to Collier.

  No matter how much I dread it, coming home does feel good. I have missed my dad and his ability to make me laugh, even when I don’t want to. I have missed my mom and all of her great advice. And, yes. Yes, I have missed Katie, the girl who looks so much like me, who has been such a huge part of my life, but who I will never truly understand.

  When I drop Jenna off at her house, I am ready to be home. Katie surprises me when she runs out to meet me in the driveway. Hugging as if we haven’t seen each other in forever, it reminds me of our childhoods. “Quincy! I am so glad you came home! Get in here so we can catch up.” Laughing, she pulls me toward the house. Her cheeks are pink with excitement, and she looks so much like a child.

  I laugh as I remind her, “Katie, I have to get my stuff out of the trunk. Come, help me.” We grab my overnight bag and laundry. “Let me throw my laundry in the washer, and we’ll catch up.”

  Katie lies on the bed while I sort my clothes. “Quince, you have no idea how awful it is without you. Mom and Dad are smothering me, and they watch everything I do. It’s like they are just waiting for me to screw up. I hate it.” I really do feel sorry for her. I’m sure they focus on her more because I’m not here to divert their attention. And maybe she is doing more to attract their attention.

  “Oh, Katie, you know they just worry about you. We all do. How have you been?” I try to act concerned without alarming her.

  “I don’t know why everyone worries about me so much. I haven’t done anything in a long time.” She honestly believes that. “Just tell me about school. Do you like it? Are you working? Have you met any guys?” She sits up, cross-legged on my bed, barely containing her excitement.

  “School is hard, but I study a lot. Work is work, you know? And yes, I have met somebody. In fact, I’ve met two somebodies.” I plop down on the bed beside her.

  “Wow! Two guys? That’s kind of crazy for you, don’t you think? Have you actually gone out with either of them?” She looks incredulous. Why is it so hard for people to believe someone might actually like me?