by J. L. Ostle
Holding me, hugging me.
“I’m so sorry, please don’t be upset with me.” I wrap my arms around him and hug him back. “I messed up, I know that. Please forgive me.” I feel stupid that he is apologizing to me. He didn’t do anything wrong to me.
“I’m sorry I took it personally; I just don’t like good people getting hurt.” He pulls back but his hands stay on my waist, looking down at me.
“I know you try and make people think you’re this hard, badass bitch, but I know you are a good person. When I saw you consoling her, comforting her, I remembered why you’re my best friend. You are caring, sweet, and kind.” I step back and shake my head.
“I’m not all that.”
“You are. You don’t normally blink twice with the girls I sleep with, but with her, you were different. I saw it in your eyes.” I don’t know what to say.
“Just don’t use the girls that still believe in happily ever after, the ones that are pure and sweet, it’s wrong.” I look at him and he nods.
“I promise.” He comes back to me and holds me; holding on tight like I’m going to disappear any second. “I know I can be a dick, but I don’t like it when I see it come from you.”
“Do you still need help studying?” I try and change the subject.
“If you don’t mind.” I give him a punch on the shoulder and he quickly covers his hand on the spot, making it look like I hit him harder than I did.
“Course not, you know I’m always here for you.” I try and walk to my room but he grabs my hand and pulls me back.
“I’m glad that you are. I don’t know what I would do without you.” I give him a smile and head to my room to gather my books and notes. I lay them on the coffee table and sit on the floor and he sits opposite me.
College – Freshman Year
I am sitting on the floor, my knees pulled up close to my body as I cry. I look around the empty room, wishing my mom was here. I could use one of her hugs right now. I look down at my arm and see a bruise forming. The tears fall as I stand and look into the mirror, seeing some of my hair cut off.
The tears come in heavier. They cut my long, brown hair. One side is way shorter. So noticeable anyone can see it. I loved my long hair. A little anger builds in me and I start pulling the remaining strands, hurting myself, but I can’t help it. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. I can’t even have one nice thing in my life without them ruining it.
I have my hair in fists when I feel arms wrap around me. I look in the mirror to see him standing there, his eyes saddened and angry for me. I turn and cry into his chest and he holds my head and back. He starts to stroke my hair, telling me everything will be alright, but I don’t know how.
They are starting to break me; I can’t keep going on with my life like this. I don’t know how long I can cope. I don’t know what is going to happen next. I’m starting to get jumpy, looking behind my back, waiting for them to jump out and taunt me, to hurt me.
I had been walking down the hall when arms grabbed me and pulled me into the girl’s bathroom. Seeing Lindsey holding a pair of scissors scared me. All I could think was, are they going to cut me? I tried to break free but with Tristen and Sharron holding me still I knew it was fruitless. I watched Lindsey as she walked towards me and started to play with my long hair.
I normally wear my hair up but I had it down today, I wish I didn’t. She holds it then pulls it towards her and I watch her cut if off. My hair that reached near my bottom. I watch her cut it off and flaunt it in front of my eyes. I thought she was going to cut more but she didn’t.
Small mercies.
She drags me to the mirror and shows me what she did, smiling. “Your hair should match you, ugly.” With that, she drops my cut off hair in the sink and leaves. I couldn’t stay, looking like this. I got in my car and drove back home, falling to the floor as soon as I got in.
“Come with me.” I look at him and shake my head. I can’t go out. I just want to stay here and hide. Part of me even wants to just quit. Quit college. Quit this life. I’m trying to be strong, but it’s so hard. “I will make this better, trust me.” I nod and take his hand.
He drives me out of town and takes me to a hairdresser and I can’t help but cry as she cuts the rest of my hair, making it look normal again. The whole time he holds my hand, telling me I’m pretty no matter what. I know it’s childish to cry over your hair, but I loved it; my mom always called me her little mermaid.
We drive back home in silence; I think he knows that I need this time to myself, to put myself back together, but I’m starting to think maybe I can’t this time. I’m changing, and I can’t stop it. He walks me to my door and I thank him for what he did. He tucks some hair behind my ear.
“I will do anything for you.”
I wake up, panting, and look around to see I’m in my room, in my bed. How did I get here? I look around and see that Jonny isn’t here. I sit up and lean my head against the headboard. I hate that my past is trying to dig itself back up. I look at my phone; my body freezes when I see it. No wonder why I had this dream, it’s like it knew. I have a missed call from my mom and a voicemail. I contemplate not listening to it, but I’m gluten for punishment. I press the button.
“Hi sweetie, I’m just wondering how you are. I miss you so much. Please answer my calls. I know we ended things on bad terms but I want to make sure you’re okay, that you're still alive. Your dad misses you too. I’m hoping after all these years that you have thought things through. I’m not angry with you, I’m upset with what you said and did but I’m willing to get past that. Please call me.”
Tears fall down my face, but I’m angry with her. How dare she call me saying she will get past it. She is my mother and she should have been there for me, comforting me, but no, she broke my heart. I delete the message and bang my phone on the side table.
I get up, my blood boiling. I head out and look around and see my books and notes stacked up neatly on the coffee table. Jonny, always the neat freak. I’m about to head to the kitchen when I hear heavy breathing and see Jonny asleep on my couch with a spare blanket over him.
Why is he still here? He could have gone back to his place. Maybe the study session took a lot out of him. It must have taken its toll on me too, I can’t believe I fell asleep on him. I hope he’s ready for his exam in the morning.
I walk towards him and kneel at his side, seeing how peaceful he looks. I lift my hand and stroke his hair away from his eyes; he stirs a little but doesn’t wake. I stand back up and give him a kiss on the cheek before walking away. I look at the time and see it's after six in the morning, I know I won’t be getting any more sleep, so I go back to my room and grab my bag and put in some clean dance clothes before quickly dressing in some sweat pants and a hoody.
I grab my keys and take one look back to Jonny and smile as I close the door and head to the dance studio. I need to let off some steam and not think, and dancing is the way to do that.
Raven
I’m on my knees, hunched forward as I try and get my breathing under control. I guess that dream and hearing my mom’s voice really did a number on me. I guess you can’t hide from your past forever, but I’m not ready to deal with it just yet. My past can go fuck itself for all I care but I know my foul mouth isn’t going to change that.
I decide to lay on the floor and try and feel numb, but I think the Gods hate me as not even thirty seconds go by when the door slams open. I don’t have to look to see who it is, by the dramatic entrance and the only person who knows I come here. I look in the mirror and see her standing there, with her hand on her hip, tapping her foot. I sigh and plunk my head back down to the floor.
“Well, you not going to say anything?”
“Umm? Hi.” I respond, still staring at the ceiling.
“I know something is up, you only come here this time in the morning if something has happened, now spill. Was it Jonny? Steven?” I grunt as I sit up and cross my legs.
“No, don’t think I will
be hearing from Steven again. Jonny did piss me off last night but we’re fine, that’s not what’s bothering me.” I start fidgeting with my fingers and stop once I notice what I’m doing.
“You know you can tell me anything, you told me about your non-sex dates and I haven’t told a soul. You can trust me.” I look up into her light brown eyes and know I can trust her, but I don’t want to rehash my past. Why talk about it? Nothing will change, everything will still be the same.
I’ll still be fucked up.
“I know I can trust you, it’s not about trust, it’s just…” I pause, trying to think of what I’m wanting to say. “I have a messed up past, it’s the reason why I came here. Now, for some reason, I’m starting to have dreams, flashback types of certain things from my past, and I guess it’s starting to get to me.” She puts her hand on me.
“In the three years I have known you, you never once mentioned anything about your past, so I guess these dreams, flashbacks as you say, really are doing a number on you for you to talk about it now. You know that saying, the past always catches up with you. I guess in your case, it literally is. Was it that bad?” I look at our hands and nod; I feel tears start to prickle my eyes. “How bad?”
“Bad enough that I left my life behind, to pretend that I sleep with guys even though I don’t. I’m not normal, not anymore.”
“Well, what is normal? Normal is boring. I’m not normal.” I look at her smiling face and laugh.
“That’s true.” She pushes me back on the floor and lays next to me.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with bad stuff, but it brought you here, brought you to the two most amazing people in your life.” I turn my head looking at her. I love how she can just say a few words and make me feel better.
“Yeah, what would I do without you?”
“You lady, won’t ever need to find out. Now come on, get your ass in the shower, you stink, and let’s get our butt in gear. We still need to attend some classes.” I watch her stand and she bends forward, grabbing my hands and pulling me up. “Now go, shoo, I will be waiting here, admiring myself in these lovely mirrors.” I stand and I’m about to leave the room when she yells out my name. “Jonny isn’t impressed that you left.” I groan and head to the shower and get myself ready. When I look at the time, I’m shocked to see that I’ve been here for about three hours. Jonny is definitely going to kick my ass.
I walk out of my exam and notice Jonny leaning against the wall waiting for me. I walk to him and notice he has lines under his eyes. He nods his head, gesturing down the hallway and we start walking, not saying a word. When we walk along some empty classrooms, he pushes me in one and closes the door.
“Where were you this morning? I woke up and you were gone, no note, no text. You know how much I worry. I couldn’t sleep knowing you left at a stupid time in the morning.” He turns and his concerned eyes are now angry.
“I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk, then I banged into Caron, we went for breakfast then went to class. Sorry, Dad, didn’t realize I had to tell you every move I make.” I don’t know why I’m taking my anger out on him, but he isn’t the boss of me. He shouldn’t be treating me like I’m a child.
“Caron came knocking on the door at seven-ish so I know you weren’t with her till after that, so where have you been? Were you fucking someone? You couldn’t last twenty-four hours without some dick inside you?” I look at him and feel like slapping that face all over again. Who the fuck does he think he is?
“Listen, dickhead, if I left to go fuck someone, that’s up to me, and you going on and on about my sex life is getting annoying. Grow the fuck up. Just because I didn’t fuck you, doesn’t mean you can judge me, you piece of shit.” I hear him growl and he shoves me, so I’m laying down on a desk with him on top of me. “What, you can’t take the heat?” I bring my face up so I’m close to his. “Stop thinking that I’m yours, I’m not. Get it through your thick skull. Now get off me.” I try and push him off but he doesn’t budge. I try and wiggle out from under him but he’s too strong. The more he stays there just looking at me, the angrier I get.
“You may not know it, but you are mine, you know why? Because we’re drawn together. We may be friends, but you know deep down, if I were to leave you, to walk away and never to come back, you would feel empty, like a part of you is missing. That is what I think every time you do one of your disappearing acts. If anything ever happened to you, I would feel like half of my soul is missing, I would feel like the little ray of light I once had would be gone, I would forever feel the darkness.” His voice goes softer. “Now do you understand why I am the way I am?” I can’t move, I can’t even speak. He thought something bad happened to me, and didn’t know how to deal with that so he took it out on me. He did it in a dick way but I think I get it. I lift my hand and place it on his cheek and he leans into my touch.
“You need to stop thinking something bad is going to happen to me. I get that you worry but you're over-protectiveness pisses me off, especially when you start bringing up men, you make me feel like some dirty whore.” His eyes open and pierce mine.
“I don’t think that; I don’t want you to feel that I do. Yes, I’m jealous of the other guys, but that’s only because they get to be alone with you, to see a part of you that I can never see. I know we will never sleep together, we’re just friends, but I guess in some way I am jealous. I’m sorry that I bring it up. I guess I need to start thinking about what I say and do; I keep having to apologize to you lately.” He chuckles, and I laugh with him. He leans up and helps me sit. “Stop bringing up that you aren’t having sex with me, that annoys me.” I chuckle and he nods.
“Well, now that we have had that heart to heart, let’s go back to my place and watch some movies. I think it’s my turn to pick the first movie of the night.” He places his forehead on my shoulder and groans. “Come on, it won’t be that bad.”
“You said it wouldn’t be that bad,” he grumbles as we watch Center Stage. I love this film, seeing all the ballerinas dedicate their life to becoming one of the best. Plus, it doesn’t suck that there is some romance in there.
It’s just so cliché how she goes for the bad boy. Come on, he isn’t going to change just because he slept with you. It never happens that way, the girl should know the good guy is the one you should end up with, but I guess there would be no movie if it worked out like that. “God you're into this movie way too much, even your face is scrunched up in concentration.” I push him, trying to push him off my bed but he hardly moves.
“Shut up, I think dance is beautiful.”
“Yeah if you say so. Look at the girl who is puking after each meal just to stay skinny, what kind of signal is that to the world? And that teacher constantly going on about how imperfect that dancer is; it’s not beautiful, it's torture. I would hate for someone to constantly put me down. I don’t know how these girls do it. I truly don’t.”
“Well, Mr. Morbid, thanks for that.”
“Anytime.” We watch the rest of the movie with him moaning and groaning but I did notice him bobbing his head when Michael Jackson The Way You Make Me Feel came on. I don’t care what he says, I think it’s beautiful; the two girls got their spots and kicked ass.
“What do you want to watch now?” I walk to my TV and start flipping through my DVD collection.
“Can I ask you a question?” I stop what I’m doing and look at him. He’s still laying on his stomach, looking at me.
“You can ask me anything.” I kneel in front of him.
“Today you said that you’re not mine, but I heard you once tell Alan that I own you.” I look at the floor feeling a little embarrassed. “If you’re not mine, then why tell people that?” I look back up; He doesn’t appear angry, just curious.
“Well, this is going to sound messed up, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’m not yours,” I pause, “but you do own me.” He looks confused.
“You’re not mine, but I own you?” I nod.<
br />
“Exactly.”
“Okay, how does that work precisely?”
“Well, we aren’t together so I can’t be yours, but I do feel like you own me. It’s like what you said today; if you left me, I would miss you, I don’t know if I could really cope without you being in my life. You’re my constant, my other side of the coin. When people ask me why I put up with your shit, or why are we the way we are, close but not intimately, I say it’s because you own me.”
“I own you?” I nod. I see his eyes go darker. “I like that; I like that I own you.” I give him a shy smile.
“Good, now which movie would you like to watch?” I ask, changing the subject. I stand up and take off my tank and skirt, so I’m left with my blue lace bra and panties, and head to my dresser to grab a long T-shirt, placing it over my head and sitting back down, waiting for him to pick a title. I look at him and see him looking at the floor, shaking his head. “You okay?” He looks up and this time, his eyes look like he’s searching into my soul, I feel frozen, but he shakes his head again, breaking the spell.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I think we should watch a horror, I’m in the mood for a scare.” I roll my eyes at him and take out all my horrors, placing them next to him, waiting for him to pick. I can’t help but look at him, seeing his tight white shirt hug his arms. When his eyes look back into mine, I wish I wasn’t affected, but I am. It’s his eyes that make me want to slap him and do very bad, dirty things, but I know I can’t.
“You decided yet?” I screech out.
“Not yet.” He says quietly.
Jonny
Is she doing this on purpose?
I watch her undress without care, like she isn’t teasing me. Seeing her creamy smooth skin, watching her bend forward to grab the DVDs, seeing her perfect ass. It’s a good thing I’m lying on my stomach since my dick is hard as a rock. I try and think about other things, trying to calm it, but nothing is working. I can’t wait to watch a stupid horror movie so my mind can get distracted from the girl that is driving me insane.