Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2)

by Cassandra Giovanni

  “It would be, wouldn’t it?” he finally replied. “How do you like Framingham?”

  I shrugged as I told myself not to think too deeply into what he was asking. This was Jesse– he bounced ideas off me all the time. He probably just wondered if I felt it was a good idea.

  “It’s another city, I suppose,” I replied. “It would be good for business.”

  Jesse nodded, forehead creasing as he cocked his head. “Aside from a business perspective?”

  My pulse pounded in my ears. I didn’t need to jump to conclusions, especially when something like this could help.

  “Some nice towns surround the area. If I ever got out of the city, I’d probably go for somewhere like Ashland or Bellingham. Those areas are a little bit more reasonable than the city, so I could probably get a nice condo.”

  “So you’ve been thinking about moving?” Jesse asked, and his reading glasses came out to perch on his nose as he took the paperwork back and pretended to look it over. His eyes weren’t moving, so I knew he wasn’t reading.

  The air in my lungs staled as I stared at the top of his grey hair, and then his eyes rose back up to mine over the black rims framing his face.

  “I guess I’ve been toying with the idea,” I finally replied, my voice squeaking with nerves.

  “How does Adam feel about it? Isn’t the school he works for close to here?”

  Tingles rushed up my spine as I forced a smile on my face. “Yeah, it is. We haven’t talked about it yet.”

  And we probably never will.

  “Mhmm,” Jesse replied, and then his eyes actually started moving over the paperwork. I figured it was time to make my escape before I asked if he wanted me to go to Framingham. My mind flicked back to Adam on the couch passed out. If he asked right now, the answer would be yes, and I wasn’t sure if I was in a state to make a decision like that.

  “Well, you have fun figuring out how you’re going to be driving back and forth,” I said as I stood.

  Jesse’s head moved up, and his eyes locked on mine. “Believe me; I already have that all figured out.”

  My jaw went slack before I managed to smile at him.

  “That’s exciting,” I said as I turned and headed to the door.

  “You have no idea how much,” he said, and I only briefly looked over my shoulder to see the smile on his face.

  When I got to my office, I opened my various project folders and began running analyses but within an hour, my eyes were going funky from the lighting. I paused, looking down at my phone. There were no text messages. I heaved a sigh as I opened the Internet browser and my fingers typed without me consciously knowing it.

  Condos near Framingham, MA.

  I bit my lip. I had enough of a down payment thanks to Bobby, but I was definitely jumping to conclusions. My eyes squeezed shut as a wave of cold rushed over me, and I shoved the phone across my desk. Adam might be all right, and then I wouldn’t have to leave. When I packed up to leave at the end of the day and peeked my head into Jesse’s office, he looked up with a smirk.

  “Signed the lease,” he said with a wink.

  “That’s great — exciting news. I’m heading out,” I replied as I nodded over my shoulder towards the door.

  Jesse looked at his watch and then stood. “I’ll walk out with you. I’m glad to see you’re getting out at a reasonable time. You working when you get home?”

  I rolled my eyes as he held the door open for me. “I’ve been getting into reading, and I have one of those adult coloring books.”

  Jesse chuckled, looking at me from the corner of his eyes. “Adult coloring book?”

  I pursed my lips. “It’s supposed to be relaxing.”

  “Is it?” Jesse asked as he pulled his keys out of his pocket. I shook my head and he laughed as he hit a button and the convertible top of his BMW came down. “Well, you have fun with that tonight.”

  When I got home that night, Adam wasn’t there, but for once there was a letter under the broken heart magnet.

  Don’t wait up. Gig with the band. – Adam

  Obviously, I wasn’t invited– not that night, or the night after that.

  Chapter 34

  Every day passed the same. I went to work and made sure to get home on time. Every time I pulled into the parking lot I prayed Adam was home, but he never was. If or when he came home he smelled like the booze he consumed God only knew where. Adam didn’t tell me where he was going, and he didn’t text when he wasn’t coming home, probably because he was too wasted. When I tried to talk to him — or text him to ask him to come home so we could talk, he didn’t respond.

  I told Dad I’d give it some time, but two weeks of this new pattern and I knew Adam was pushing me away. He was fading further into the bottom of a bottle while I faded into my silence–deeper into the knowledge that this wasn’t working anymore.

  I put my head against the steering wheel, my insides twisting like they did every day when I got home to find his parking spot empty. If I went inside, there might be some vague note from Adam, but it wouldn’t say he loved me. I bit my lip– he didn’t even bother saying it anymore. I wondered if that was because he didn’t, or maybe he never did. Maybe he was the one in love with being in love with me. Either way, I didn’t want to see the note. I shoved my finger into the power button for the radio, turning it off, so I engulfed myself in silence as I drove away from the apartment. Blasting music didn’t rid me of my emotions, and I was sick of it. Music only reminded me of Adam and the inevitable fate drawing in on me faster and faster. I drove without direction as tears began to stream down my cheeks. I wasn’t strong enough for this anymore, and Adam wouldn’t listen. He didn’t need me. My throat thickened as I turned down Tara’s parent’s street. I parked in the driveway and looked up at the brick house. What was I going to say to her, and could she handle the truth?

  I moved up the walkway slowly, letting the summer air warm me. I knocked on the door once before turning and looking at the sun setting behind the trees.

  “River?” Tara asked as she opened the door. I turned back around, and her eyebrows hung over her eyes. “Is everything okay?”

  I nodded, but no words came out of my mouth even when though it was open. Her eyebrows moved up her forehead questioning me without her needing to speak. My chest rose as I inhaled and finally answered, “I just needed someone to talk to. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”

  “Come on in,” she said, stepping aside. “My parents went out to dinner, but lucky you, I don’t like being the broken third-wheel.”

  I laughed because that was exactly how I felt whenever I was with Adam. Him and his bottle…and me the third wheel. Tara sat down on the couch, turning off the television and pulling her legs up, so she was sitting cross legged facing me.

  “So what’s up?” she asked as she propped her elbow against the top of the couch and rested her chin on it. She filled out over the past few weeks, and while she was still small like me, her soft curves and round cheeks had returned. She looked good, and that made me smile. At least one of us was happy.

  I looked down at my hands and picked my nails. “It’s Adam.”

  Tara sighed. “Yeah, he told me he lost his job.”

  My eyes rose up to hers. “What else does he tell you?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, her shoulders rising as a blush spread from her cheeks. “He asked me some stuff about social media and told me he’s helping to push the band. I guess he’s hoping for a record deal.”

  My breath caught, and I looked away as my body rushed with a chill. Record deal? He hadn’t told me that. I never thought he would pursue being a full-time musician. Performing always seemed to drain him– like the crowds energy was being taken directly from him.

  Tara’s body tensed when I didn’t reply.

  “He didn’t tell you?” she asked.

  I let my gaze return to her. “He doesn’t say much of anything anymore. When I’m home, he’s either gone out, or too far gone.”r />
  “He’s still in there,” she said, reaching forward and squeezing my hands.

  The tears returned, and when our eyes met, I shook my head unable to say the words.

  “What’s going on with you, River?” she asked, and her voice was a harsh whisper. “Have you given up on him?”

  I put my head in my hands. “I’ve given up on believing we’re supposed to be together.”

  “You’re thinking about leaving him?” she asked, her voice pitching higher. My head rose to take in her expression. Her face was red, and her mouth hung open as she shook her head. “The three of us are the only pieces of Bobby left. We’re all struggling…” Her voice drifted, and so did her eyes. She licked her lips before locking eyes on me. “If you give up on Adam, then I’ll have to give up on you.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked as my chest tightened. I knew what was coming. Everything would shatter with this one decision.

  Her chest rose and fell as her eyes flashed over my face. “You’re more messed up than the both of us.”

  I blinked at her as my face flushed and the rest of my body burst with heat. The sensation of warmth made it hard to focus.

  “What do you mean?” I managed to ask as my vision tunneled.

  Tara sucked her cheeks into her mouth before she answered, her eyes locked on me. She wanted me to hear this, and she wanted to know I was paying attention. “You’ve forgotten how to feel.”

  My sight blurred at her words and the sudden heat dissipated into an aching cold. I opened my mouth as I tried to form a response, but I found myself closing it.

  She couldn’t know.

  Every breath seared into my heart. The numbing pain was constant. I felt everything– the hole in my chest where Bobby used to be; the part of my soul that died with him.

  A part of me slowly died as I struggled to remain above the water of my grief while I was blasted by Adam’s. She was right; I was too weak. I was too selfish. I couldn’t watch him self-destruct, and I was going to lose everything because of that. I stood, stopping at the door frame and bracing my body against it.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t wake up soon enough to save you, River. I really am,” she said to my back.

  My fingernails grated against the wooden door frame before I walked out without responding.

  I’d already self-destructed.

  Chapter 35

  I didn’t know where Adam was, and he didn’t have any idea where I was. At week three he stopped leaving notes under the magnet. Maybe he figured I’d ask if I needed to know, or I should be aware by now since he put the same thing on it every time.

  “Are you sure about this?” Dad asked as we pulled up to the condo complex. We were thirty minutes outside the city and only an hour away from my parent’s house.

  I leaned my head against the glass of the passenger seat window, shaking my head as I looked up at the end unit exactly in my price range and perfect from the pictures. My response came in the form of a whisper, “No.”

  Dad squeezed my knee. “It’s an excellent location.”

  I chewed my lip as I looked over at him. “Thank you for supporting me even though you think this is a shitty idea.”

  “No,” Dad said as he turned off the car and faced me. “I didn’t say it was a shitty idea, or that you were wrong. I just said that you’ll be lost without him.”

  I closed my eyes as I exhaled. “I’m already so lost…and alone.”

  Dad reached up and rubbed my cheek. “I know, Ducks, but look on the bright side, this is a great location and it’s still close to the city– and closer to me.”

  I opened my eyes and looked up at the pale blue townhouse with white trim and the perfect little pathway leading up to the door. “It is cute from the outside at least.”

  Dad nodded forward. “Ready to see if the rest of it is as cute as the pictures?”

  My eyes moved to the bay window– the perfect place for me to read a book with a little puppy in my lap. The weight I always felt on my chest lifted, and I felt my pulse rising. “Yeah, I think I am.”

  The inside of the home was just as cute as the outside, and it felt like home. It was open, much like the apartment and had clean, crisp white trim and dark cherry floors, or at least something that looked like it. The kitchen was open to the living area, and there was a little deck off the back. Off the kitchen was a bedroom I could make into an office while the master bedroom and bath were upstairs next to what I’d make into a guest room– not that I’d have any. The smile grew on my face as I passed from room to room and thoughts of what I could put in each room ran through my mind, along with the tantalizing idea of having a puppy. I glanced up at Dad, and he nodded. His smile was as sad as it was happy; like he was caught in between both feelings. I looked out to the backyard, where a tree house rested in the large oak at the end of the fenced in area, and my stomach sank with memories.

  The realtor peeked her head back in the front door. “So what do you think?”

  My gaze met Dad’s again as I replied, “I love it.”

  The woman came the rest of the way in the door with paperwork in her hands. “That’s what I thought you might say.”

  My breath caught in my throat as I realized what the paperwork must be. I felt my stomach tense as my eyes darted from her hands to Dad and then outside to that tree house. Adam and I used to escape to a tree house, and now I was escaping without him.

  “Are you thinking about an offer?” she asked as she placed the paperwork on the island separating the kitchen and the living area. My face paled, and she titled her head. “How about this–you take the night to think about it, and I’ll give you instructions on how to fill how the paperwork if you want to move forward. You’ll just need to sign and scan it into me. I can handle the rest from there. You said you were pre-approved, right?”

  I swallowed as Dad’s body stiffened next to me. I hadn’t mentioned that to him. The banker that deposited my huge check asked me if I had any plans for the money, and when I mentioned buying a home, she convinced me it wouldn’t hurt to figure out what I could afford. It didn’t help she managed to show me I’d be paying almost the same amount owning a home as when I was renting.

  “Yeah,” I replied.

  Dad squeezed my shoulder. “That’s my girl, always being prepared for anything.”

  I smiled up at him before turning to the realtor. “So how do I fill this stuff out?”

  She explained each section and then Dad, and I drove back the commuter lot in silence. Only when he parked did he speak. “Probably a good idea to look at a few different places.”

  I nodded, looking down at the paperwork in my lap. It was exactly what I wanted and the right price.

  “It felt like home,” I replied, and my voice cracked. “Except for one thing.”

  Dad pulled me into a hug, kissing the top of my head. “Does your apartment feel like home?”

  I glanced up at him, and my pulse quickened at the question. Did it?

  When I arrived at my empty apartment and found no note or text messages indicating when Adam would be home, I realized the answer.

  I didn’t have a home. I cried myself to sleep after scanning in the paperwork.

  Chapter 36

  The days following my offer on the condo passed in the same fashion they always did, except I stopped coming home on time. It didn’t matter when I got home because Adam was never there, but I still couldn’t work past seven. I figured if I pressed it too much Jesse would restrict my hours further, so I made sure to leave by six. By six thirty I had nothing to do. I dropped onto the couch and my eyes settled on the bookshelf now overflowing with books. I stared at the titles until I made up my mind on which one would be next. I picked up the pretty purple book with a young girl in period dress holding a pair of scissors like a weapon and smiled to myself as I flipped it over to read the description. It looked like it would be amusing, and right now, I needed that–something to make me smile. I went into the kitchen to brew mysel
f a cup of tea, one hand with the book open and the other doing the tasks it took to make the warm liquid. As I put the pot on the stove, I heard a faint buzzing noise coming from my purse on the entryway table. My heart beat sped up as I put the book down and rushed over to my purse.

  What if something was wrong with Adam? My stomach twisted as I fumbled with the purse and pulled out my cell phone to look at the screen. It wasn’t Adam, but the name made it hard to breathe.

  I almost forgot.

  “Hello?” I answered, and my fingernail found the side of my mouth as I looked up at the ceiling.

  “Hi River, it’s Suzie. I have some great news — they accepted your offer.”

  My jaw slackened as I took in a mouthful of air. My vision darkened at the edges, and I leaned back against the wall, tipping my head back again to look at the tiles on the ceiling.

  “Really?” I asked, and my voice was faint.

  Suzie took my lack-luster response as shock, and her voice was overly cheerful as she answered, “Yes, isn’t it great? I have your lender’s information, so I’ll reach out to them to schedule your appraisal and home inspection. Once those are complete you’ll need to work with the bank and get your home owner’s insurance in place.”

  I stuttered as I replied, “Okay.”

  “Talk soon!” Suzie ended the call, and I found myself staring vacantly down at the screen.

  I walked back to the stove in what felt like slow motion, turning off the burner and pulling the pot off it before walking back over to my purse. My brain was on autopilot. I needed to know where Adam was. I needed something to tell me this wasn’t the right thing to do. My body rushed cold as I put my hand on the doorknob and pulled the door open. Our new neighbor was just going into her apartment with her boyfriend. She gave me a soft smile as she closed the door behind them. I stared at the closed door for a moment before making my way down the stairs and to my car. When I got there, I realized I didn’t know where the hell to go. I ran my hand through my hair as I stared down at my phone. I doubted Adam would pick up if I called. He was either getting loaded, with the guys, playing a set or all three. I bit my lip as I typed in the words Fade Burn into the search bar. All sorts of social media pages came up, and I realized Adam must have done all of it. I clicked on the last tweet. It said they were playing at Friday Night Fever, a popular concert venue in the city. I wasn’t sure how they lined it up, but the show didn’t start for another forty-five minutes. It was just enough time to get there to watch the show– if that was what I was doing. I kept the radio off as I drove without thinking. The wind whipped my hair around my face, warm with the fresh summer air. It was summer, and a part of me couldn’t believe the length of time that passed since Bobby died, or since Tara woke from her coma. We hadn’t spoken for weeks, even though she was now back to work part time. She avoided me better than I thought possible, and she wouldn’t respond to my text messages or voice mails. A thin layer of sweat built on my neck.