Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2)

by Cassandra Giovanni

  What if she was here? Did she know where he was when I didn’t?

  My stomach rolled with nausea as I drove up to the venue. It was slammed, and I realized I might not get a ticket. As I stood in line, I bounced on my feet, ringing my hands in front of me.

  “River?” Mark’s voice broke through my scattered thoughts, and I jumped as I looked up. He tilted his head at me. “I didn’t realize you’d be here.”

  I glanced over his shoulder, and he shook his head before nodding to the entrance. “He’s already inside. I was just grabbing my cell phone. I left it in the van by accident.”

  I nodded as a shaky breath rattled over my lips. “Can you not mention that I’m here?”

  Mark’s thick eyebrows drew over his eyes. “He’s going to notice you’re here.”

  I glanced at the line in front of me, and then the one already twice as long behind me. “I doubt it.”

  Mark’s tongue pushed into the corner of his cheek before he replied, “He’ll feel you.”

  The idea made me scoff–as if Adam felt anything about me anymore. If he did, he would know I was thinking about leaving.

  “We’ll see,” I replied, trying to give him a smile instead of standing looking like a total bitch. “It’s good to see you.”

  Mark started to walk away, but stopped mid-stride and turned back to look at me. His eyes locked on my own. “He’s always straight for the show…but after…I can’t promise anything.”

  I bit my lip as I nodded, tears threatening the edges of my vision. He sighed before turning and heading to the entrance. He stopped at the ticket stand and pointed at me in the crowd. The guy nodded and Mark tossed me a weak smile before going inside. When I came up to the booth, he slid me a ticket. “You’re all set.”

  I seemed to have lost the power of words and nodded without thanking the guy and headed inside. The ticket wasn’t for a seat. It was just admittance in and re-admittance if you left for any reason. When I got inside a hostess asked me if I wanted to be on the floor or a table.

  “Table,” I replied, and she led the way to one.

  “Are you waiting for anyone else?” she asked, giving me a smile as I took a seat at the table she stopped at. I shook my head, and her smile faded a bit. “They’ll be waitresses taking orders for the bar wandering around. If you’re interested, just flag one down or go over to the bar. You won’t lose your seat since we mark it as filled. You can also go on the floor if you’d like, but I wouldn’t recommend it with this band. They’ll be moshing.”

  I blinked in response, and she turned back around as I tried to mold myself into the wall. When Adam came onto the stage, I felt myself swallow. He wasn’t paying attention to the crowd but instead went to tune his bass. I breathed out a bit, leaning forward on my arms as the rest of the band took the stage. Mark’s eyes drifted over to me, and I looked down at my hands. When my eyes came back up, he tugged on his beard before twirling the drumsticks in his hands. My eyes moved to Joe, also tuning his guitar and then out to the growing crowd. Even if I wanted to be on the floor, I wouldn’t have much of a shot. There was barely any room for the waitresses who navigated through the crowd with red cups. For a moment I thought of flagging one of them down, but before I could Adam’s voice rang through the room and any thought of alcohol vanished with the twisting of my stomach.

  “Welcome everyone. We hope you enjoy the show! This first song is new. It’s called Fading,” Adam said, and I found myself pushing back against the wall as the heavy rift began. Adam’s hand settle on the top of the microphone, and his voice came through smooth as he started singing.

  I tried

  I tried to hang on tight

  But you’re fading

  He pulled away from the microphone and then came back screaming.

  Fading from my sight

  His voice faded into singing again.

  I just want to feel you again

  Your skin against mine

  But there’s nothing I can do

  You’re fading

  The scream returned and this time, it held longer than the last.

  Fading from my sight

  No matter how I try

  I can’t hang on tight

  I swallowed as the guitar riff in the background deepened, and something inside Adam clicked with me. His eyes rose to mine, and his fingers tightened until his knuckles went white against the microphone. His voice was faint as he continued singing, closing his eyes.

  I close my eyes

  Try to bring you back into the light

  But you’re not by my side

  The beat softened, and he pulled away, slapping at the bass before his lips pressed against the microphone once more.

  This is the hardest part

  You’re a part of me

  I’m fading

  I’m fading inside

  He shook his head, and the beat pulled back in, strong and as angry as the scream that came out of his lips.

  I try to hang on tight

  But there’s nothing left

  When you’re fading from sight

  My whole body trembled, becoming numb from the words. He knew. He knew I was thinking about leaving, and he wasn’t trying to stop me. I didn’t know what was worse– thinking he didn’t know or knowing he did. Tears blurred my vision as his voice turned soft again.

  I just want to feel you again

  Your skin against mine

  But there’s nothing I can do

  You’re fading

  Fading from my sight

  No matter how I try

  I can’t hang on tight

  Everything is fading

  The crowd tightened, moving closer to the stage and surging as Adam’s voice roughened into a growl.

  Fading into the darkness of this night

  No matter how I try

  I can’t hang on tight

  When the song ended, I wanted to flag down the waitress more than before, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to drive home in the state I was already in. I leaned forward, putting my head in my hands as the next song played. This time, my brain didn’t comprehend the meaning or the words.

  I was numb– so numb to everything as the words played over and over in my mind despite the noise and craziness around me. You’re fading from my sight. No matter how I try.

  He wasn’t trying. He was giving up. My stomach rolled and my hands sunk further, clasping chunks of my hair. That’s what I’d done, wasn’t it? But only because he wasn’t trying. A familiar cough brought me out of my thoughts, and as my eyes adjusted I realized the crowd in the room was thinning, and Adam wasn’t on stage anymore. He stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets and his tongue ran over his lips as he inhaled, chest rising to his chin.

  “What are you doing here, Riv?” he asked, and his voice was soft like his singing.

  “I don’t know. I never know where you are, so I decided it was a good time for me to figure that out,” I replied, and he looked down at the ground nodding.

  His lips pursed out before he rubbed the back of his neck. “You think that’s it?”

  “What?”

  His eyes locked on mine. “The reason you came.”

  Tears blurred my vision again, and I swallowed hard against the thickening of my throat. “No.”

  “Then why?” he asked, his voice hard.

  “I wanted a reason to stay, but you’ve already given up,” I said, my voice faint against the crowd behind us. I looked passed him and then let my eyes concentrate on his. His lips were in a thin line and when he didn’t reply I continued, “Please give me a reason to stay, Adam.”

  “Why? You’re not happy,” Adam replied, and I felt my chin tremble as it tucked back into my neck in surprise. My body flushed hot and cold as I blinked at him.

  “You’re not going to change are you?” I whispered.

  “Change what? This? I need to do something, River. I can’t just sit at home.”

  I bit the inside of my lip, fe
eling my nostrils flare as I stared back at him. “You want me to leave?”

  He stepped forward, shaking his head. “No…but I can’t give you a reason to stay.”

  “Why don’t you come home some nights?” I asked, and I watched as his neck went red up to his ears. “Because you’re too drunk?”

  His lips twitched, along with his body. “Kind of comes with the territory.”

  The bitter laugh passed over my lips before I could stop it, along with the harsh words that followed. “Yeah, of course, you’d have to be a fucking drunk– you’re a rock star now.”

  Adam’s eyes turned hard. “I’m not going to change, River. If you want to hear me say I’m going to– I’m not. I can’t.”

  My eyes moved passed him to the stage, and my whole body trembled as I stepped forward to look up into his face. The tears streamed down my face. “You say you’re trying. You keep saying you’re trying. But I think you’ve given up.”

  He licked his lips, closing his eyes as he lowered his face to mine. “Haven’t you, River?”

  His hand reached up to catch a tear, and my face moved into the feeling of his callused hands.

  “Not on you,” I whispered. “I’ll never give up on you…I love you, Adam…always. But I don’t think we’re good for each other anymore. I feel like I’m the one breaking you because I’m not strong enough.”

  His eyes faded as he swallowed. “I’ll stay with Mark for a few days.”

  “That’s it?” I asked, my voice cracking.

  Adam shrugged before pulling me into this arms. “I get it, River.”

  He kissed my head before turning and going back onto the stage and disappearing into the back. My eyes went to the ceiling as waves of emotion rolled over me. It shouldn’t have been that easy. I headed towards the exit, turning as I reached it. Adam looked at me as he stood with the band, guitar case in hand. Our eyes locked, and my lips moved without any words coming out, find me.

  I was too hopeless in my grief to save him from his. We’d broken one another when we should’ve held each other together– but wasn’t that what we always did?

  Chapter 37

  My stomach rolled as I tried to concentrate on the computer screen, but instead of seeing the creatives I needed to get done, all I could think about was Adam. Six months ago he picked me up from this office, swept me off my feet–and for a moment I thought he was going to propose.

  Everything felt like it was coming together. Now everything had fallen apart.

  I packed my things over the weekend, leaving Adam pretty much everything except my clothes, jewelry, makeup, guitar and my box of Bobby’s things. My eyes glossed over as I thought of the one picture I took off our dresser. It was of Bobby and Adam looking up at me on their shoulders laughing. They were both smiling– exactly the way I wanted to remember the three of us. Not faded or broken– completely whole as three best friends. It seemed like that was the way things always should’ve stayed, but nothing ever stays the same. My jaw clenched as my mind drifted to the check and note sitting on the counter. I hadn’t written much, and I wasn’t even sure if he’d read it. I pushed my fingers into my eyes as I fought back the emotions. Nothing seemed right anymore. I moved my hands to look at the computer screen–not even this. Lately, I was being pulled in so many different directions I barely had time for the part of my job I loved so much — branding. Not only that, what I was putting out felt rushed. I pushed my hands underneath my desk, rubbing them across the soft cotton of my slacks. Maybe it was all in my head. My hands formed fists. I felt like a complete failure at everything.

  “Hey, you,” Jesse’s voice came from behind me, and I found myself looking at the ceiling as I bit my lip.

  I plastered a fake smile on as I turned to see him standing at the door. “Hi.”

  “May I?” he asked, and he pointed to the chair in front of my desk. I nodded, and he moved around me to sit. It was the only awkward part about having my back facing the door. People needed to walk around me to get to their seat. The window view usually made up for that, but today it was thundering and lightening out. I could barely see outside with the pounding rain against the glass. My eyes moved from the window back to Jesse as he cocked his head at me, his hands forming a steeple in front of his face as his elbows rested on the arms of the chair. “You look tired, Riv.”

  I ran my hand through my hair, shaking my head. “Sleep alludes me, and I can’t work at night.”

  Jesse smirked. “Thanks to your awesome boyfriend.”

  My face caved, paling as my eyes went to my desk and my body tensed.

  “Oh,” Jesse’s response was barely audible, but I could feel the sadness in the realization.

  He liked Adam. I loved Adam. That hadn’t changed, but it just hadn’t been enough.

  Jesse cleared his throat before continuing, “I was wondering how that wedding you did went?”

  My eyes widened as I leaned back in my chair. It seemed so long ago now, blurred between tears, books and wondering where the hell Adam was. I rubbed my bare arms as I shrugged. “It was alright.”

  I enjoyed capturing the moment, and it did distract me from life between the actual day and the several nights it took to go through and select which pictures to keep, toss or edit. It was stressful, though.

  I watched as Jesse’s eyes raced over my face. “I have, to be honest with you…I was curious to see if that would fulfill your bug for photography. You’re great at it…”

  My forehead creased. “Why would you want to,” I made air quotes; “fulfill my need for photography?”

  He leaned forward. “I think we’ve gotten to the point where we need to pull you as a pinch hitter for photography and give you something specific to your marketing talents. I thought maybe if you did photography on the side, that would appease you.”

  “You’re worried about my hobbies?” I asked, finding a smile creeping to my lips. Either way, I had a feeling, I’d like where this was going, especially if it was going to Framingham.

  “I don’t want you to see this as losing something–you’ll be gaining a lot–but also a lot of work,” Jesse began, and my eyes locked on his as the air in my throat caught. “I want you to be our Framingham Division Director.”

  He wanted me to start up a new division.

  “I know it’s a drive…” His voice drifted as his eyes narrowed on me.

  I bit my lip. “Not really… I just bought a condo in that general area…twenty minutes, give or take.”

  Jesse’s head tilted as he blinked a few times before leaning back. “We’re offering you $75,000 a year.”

  My jaw dropped, and I stared back at him as a smile spread across his face.

  “No photography, though?” I asked.

  Jesse scratched his chin. “No, but I’d like you to pick a few photographers for the two divisions–that way if one goes AWOL we always have another one to mix things up.”

  I laughed as I stared at him with my head shaking in shock. “So I’ll be doing what you do here–there?”

  “Exactly, and you’ll get an officer title too. Vice President–it’s mostly a title, but you’ll get an extra week of vacation.”

  I blinked at him. He knew very well I could hardly use the three weeks I already had.

  “Okay, I know that’s not that much of a benefit to you, but it’s an excellent opportunity.”

  I would be doing what Jesse did. I felt my chest tighten and my face heat. I picked up the pen in front of me and tapped the desk. Finally, I let my eyes meet his. I watched as his gray eyebrows rose at me in question.

  I opened my mouth before closing it and chewing on my lip. I needed to ask; no matter how bad it sounded. I swallowed. “What do you do anyway?”

  “Excellent question,” Jesse replied. “I run the business — review contracts, invoices, make our marketing plan and budget, watch our brand equity and provide oversight on projects. I also oversee Media Designers and Media Managers. I let HR handle hiring them, though. Can you
imagine me hiring people?” I bit my lower lip to keep from laughing. “Exactly. Anyway, I basically do everything for this business that we do for other people’s businesses.”

  “Sounds good,” I said, giving him a smile that didn’t reach my eyes.

  “Do you want to think about it overnight?”

  “No, I’m good,” I replied as my body rushed with heat.

  “Great, I’ll shoot you over the paperwork. We’ll take a road trip tomorrow,” Jesse said as he stood, straightening out his suit jacket as he did.

  I watched him leave before letting my eyes drop to the notebook filled with four pages of to-dos. I felt like I was drowning now, what would those extra responsibilities mean?

  I bit my lip.

  I kind of wanted to drown.

  Chapter 38

  “This is it?” Jesse asked as he leaned against the door frame with arms and ankles crossed. I smiled, looking up as I put the remaining of my closed project folders into one of the two boxes that contained my entire office.

  “Paperless is the way of the future,” I replied, making air quotes as I cocked my head at him. “I think some old guy told me that.”