Nobody's Baby

by Jane Toombs

  Karen sighed. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just tired.” Much as she liked Jade, she couldn’t confide her secret longing to anyone. Planning her wedding had brought reality to the situation, forcing her to face the problem head-on instead of allowing it to hide in the recesses of her mind.

  She really was going to get married in the not-too-distant future, to a man who didn’t love her—something she’d sworn she would never do. No, that wasn’t quite right. What she and her friends in college had vowed to each other was that they would never marry unless and until they were absolutely sure they were truly in love.

  Which she was, even if Zed didn’t reciprocate. She couldn’t deny he desired her—he was the most fantastic lover a woman could want. But not one word of love crossed his lips. Affection, sweet nothings, but never “I love you.” This lack kept her from confessing her love for him. Not only to him but to Jade, as well.

  Jade shrugged. “Okay, I’ll accept tired, but I don’t quite believe that’s the entire story. You can be as close-mouthed as Zed.”

  “You and Zed seem really close.”

  “Ordinarily we are, but I can’t get him to open up about Talal. And you don’t talk about Talal, either. Is the subject taboo?”

  “Zed and I don’t see eye-to-eye about him. But we did have what you might call a conversation about him last night. You remember a couple days ago I showed you the DNA report the lab finally sent me?”

  Jade nodded. “Zed and Danny match.”

  “Yes. So I mentioned to Zed that he and Talal must have a close DNA match, as well. Do you know what he said?”

  “I can practically hear him saying he didn’t care to discuss it.”

  “You’re dead right. I got a bit irritated and made a few snide remarks. ‘No wonder you want to avoid the subject.’ I told him. ‘It’s because you’re beginning to realize how wrong you were about Talal returning and facing his responsibility to Danny.’” Karen made a face. “So then we started to argue—keeping our voices down so Danny wouldn’t get upset. Do you realize how unsatisfactory it is to have an argument without once being able to raise your voice?”

  “I can imagine.”

  “Mind you, Zed won’t admit he’s wrong. Talal, he still claims, will be back. When, I wonder? In time to see Danny graduate from college?”

  “Talal must be related to us,” Jade said. “That’s what I want to talk to him about. It’s fascinating to think we may have a half brother we never knew existed. If only our grandparents had told us more about our father.”

  “Perhaps they disapproved of him—you know, the no-man-is-good-enough-for-our-daughter syndrome.’’

  “I’m dying to meet Talal. You say he actually is the image of Zed?”

  “Except for his beard. For some reason he scared Danny. Maybe it was the beard, but I prefer to think Danny somehow sensed he’s a creep.”

  “You don’t really know he is,” Jade said.

  “Talal may look like Zed but, believe me, he’s totally different from him otherwise. Ordering people around like some petty potentate!”

  “If he’s from Kholi, he might just be some kind of a prince,” Jade said. “Those Arab countries still have ruling families and all that jazz. Plus, your remark about Talal sending down edicts from above leads me to believe you haven’t experienced Zed’s takeover complex.”

  Karen smiled. “He’s tried it a time or two.”

  “It’s one of his less endearing qualities, even though he claims I’m worse than he is.”

  “Talal is more the commanding-general type—like he can’t imagine anyone else being in charge—but maybe it’s akin to a takeover complex. If you are related to him, perhaps it’s genetic, as they’ve discovered being quick-tempered can be.”

  “Heaven forbid! If that’s true, watch out for Danny in a few years.” Jade smiled at her. “I’m glad you and Zed worked things out. He can be so stiff-necked at times—the Adams pride—that I was afraid he’d never get around to asking you to marry him.”

  “We both realized it was best for Danny,” Karen said.

  Jade frowned. “Yes, of course it is, but—” She broke off and didn’t finish whatever she’d started to say. Picking up her list, she said, “Speaking of getting married, if we don’t finish this and get off the invitations no one will show up for the wedding.”

  “Have you ever come close?” Karen asked curiously. “To marriage, I mean.”

  Jade shook her head. “So far I haven’t met a man I’d want to marry. There’re lots of nice guys out there, but I’m looking for someone special—and maybe not so nice, you know? I don’t mean a brute, just a man who’s a tad different than anyone I’ve ever met”.

  Karen couldn’t help wondering if those “nice guys out there” wound up letting Jade call all the shots and that was why she’d rejected them as possibilities. Jade did have a tendency to take over—if you let her.

  “Anyway, I’m too busy digging wells to get serious about anyone,” Jade added. “Besides, some men find me intimidating because of what I do. I mean, I had to learn to control the guys on the rigs—drillers are as tough as they come and don’t cotton to taking orders from a woman—so I’m not exactly Sweet Sue.”

  “Not many of us are these days,” Karen said.

  “True, but some of us are more outspoken than others, and I’m one of those.” Jade shrugged. “How did we get onto this subject, anyway? You have a talent for turning the conversation so I wind up talking about me instead of finding out more about my future sister-in-law.”

  “You already know the stats. The rest is pretty boring, sort of I teach, therefore I am.”

  Jade shook her head. “Having a cousin drop the responsibility for a newborn in your lap and then setting off to find the kid’s father is hardly routine.”

  “Poor Erin couldn’t help dying.”

  “Of course not. Did your family or hers help at all?”

  “Erin’s father has never shown any interest in seeing his grandson or helping in any way. My half brother is the only one in my immediate family who wholeheartedly supports what I’m doing. He even sent me money to hire a private detective. The odd thing is that we’ve never been close—twelve years is quite a gap. I guess I was too much younger to even be a nuisance to him.”

  Jade checked her list. “Steve Henderson, right? Do you spell his name S-t-e-v-e-n or S-t-e-p-h-e-n?”

  “If you asked my father that question he’d say the ph spelling wasn’t the Henderson style, give him a v any day. I think he meant the plainer the better, but I was never sure. I hope Steve can get away to come to the wedding. I’m not quite sure exactly what he does—something for the government.”

  “Married?”

  “Divorced.”

  “Divorce can be so messy,” Jade said, “and it’s always traumatic. That’s one of the reasons I’m not in any hurry to get married. To me, divorce would be an admission of failure. I hate to fail at anything. That’s not to say your brother failed,” she added hastily.

  “I don’t know what went wrong with his marriage. If Steve did fail, it’s the only thing in his life he ever failed at. Our dad used to say Steve was a success before he was two.”

  Zed and Danny came in the back door, ending her tête-à -tête with Jade. Danny was beaming and so was Zed, obliterating the slightly sinister look lent by his two-day growth of black stubble.

  “Tiger’s a regular snow baby,” Zed said. “He loved sledding. I can’t wait to get him on skis.”

  Karen was happy to see how securely Zed had bonded with Danny—of course she was. But, somehow, she felt left out. She wasn’t jealous of Danny, but neither did she like being treated as Danny’s appendage.

  “Speaking of skiing,” she put in, “I’ve always preferred cross-country to downhill.”

  Zed glanced at her. “That’s right—you do come from snow country originally. I hadn’t thought about it.”

  Or about me, she told herself.

  Jade stayed for lunch
but left immediately afterward, claiming duty called. Danny went down without protest for his nap in his crib, not in the cradle. He’d become too active to be trusted in a cradle.

  Since they’d agreed Danny needed his own room, the guest room she’d used before had been changed into a nursery when Karen’s belongings arrived from California. Over Zed’s protests, Karen had insisted on having her own room, too, furnished with her bed and dresser set from the apartment. Though the room was conveniently located just across the hall from Zed’s, it was her own, a place she could go and be private.

  “It’s all right for now but we’ll share the master bedroom once we’re married,” he’d told her firmly. She’d agreed—after all, marriage was sharing.

  But until then she needed her own space. Somehow, since she’d come to the ranch, the lovemaking between her and Zed had changed. She couldn’t resist him—passion sizzled on both sides when they came together. Yet, for her, something intangible was missing, something that had been there in the beginning.

  Was it because she’d once believed, as she no longer did, that they were falling in love with each other? She loved him; there was no doubt in her mind about her feelings. She would always love him, knowing he didn’t love her made a difference, though.

  Once she was sure Danny was sleeping soundly, she retreated to her room, closed the blinds and stretched out on her bed, keeping the door open a crack in case Danny woke. She hadn’t been sleeping well, so telling Jade she was tired might have been an evasion but it was also the truth. She was more troubled by the coming marriage than she’d admitted to anyone.

  She and Danny were alone in the house because Zed had gone out to take care of ranch duties. She would have to learn more about what went on at a ranch, and was, in fact, looking forward to that.

  She’d had to give up her teaching position in San Diego when she left. Determined their marriage would be a success, she’d decided to stay home for the rest of the school year to give it every chance. Of course, she was also looking forward to spending extra time with Danny. Maybe next fall she would sign up as a substitute teacher here—she wasn’t sure yet. Besides, it was difficult to look that far ahead before she got over the hump of the wedding ceremony.

  Propping her head up on a pillow, she picked up the book she’d brought with her and tried to read, but she couldn’t concentrate. In any case, the room was too dark with the blinds closed and she didn’t have the energy to get up and open them.

  She was doing the right thing by marrying Zed—she knew she was, and yet doubts continued to plague her. Karen sighed, put down the book and turned onto her side. Her eyes closed and sleep crept up on her unawares….

  Waiting, she lay on her side on a vast heart-shaped bed in a rose-scented bower in a place she didn’t recognize. The unfamiliarity didn’t bother her because her anticipation ran high. Soon she would know the answer. Soon she would have all her questions answered.

  Gradually she became aware she wasn’t alone. Someone else lay on the bed behind her. He wasn’t touching her or making any sound but, without turning, she knew he was there, knew he was close, knew that he was the one she awaited.

  She continued to wait, her anticipation building, until finally his fingers came to rest on her nape, kneading gently, relaxing her tenseness. Soon he was stroking her back soothingly, his hand under her sweater. His touch, though restful, tingled along her nerves, slowly arousing her.

  He unhooked her bra, his fingers easing around to cup her bare breast. Though she hadn’t meant to allow this, she decided it felt too good to deny. This much and no more.

  His hands slipped down under the waistband of her pants to stroke her buttocks. Should she stop him? But how could she when his touch set her aflame?

  Soon her pants and bikinis were down around her knees and his explorations included her most sensitive area, causing her to quiver with desire. More, she wanted more, she wished he’d never stop. Yet if he didn’t stop she’d go up in flames. And if she did, when she did she wanted him to burn with her, both of them consumed in the fire of their love. He was the one, the right one, the only one she would ever feel such passion for.

  He turned her onto her back and eased off her pants. The movement broke her erotic trance enough so she was able to think as well as feel. She knew he was naked and as ready as she was but, though she desperately needed to join with him, she knew she must not. Not until he told her the answer. And to get his answer, she must ask the question.

  The words were waiting, had been waiting for oh, so long. So very long. She formed them in her mind and ordered herself to say them, only to discover she couldn’t speak. But she must!

  Balancing impatiently on the edge of fulfilling her immediate desire, she struggled to force out the question that was so clear in her mind.

  “Karen?” he murmured, asking his own question.

  Yes, her body urged, yes, yes, as his caresses drove her into a frenzy of need. But how could she tell him yes without hearing his answer to her unspoken question? Why couldn’t she ask him if he loved her? Why wouldn’t the words come? She made one final, intense try….

  Without warning, her eyes opened. To her confusion she found she was in her own bed, though, as in what must have been a dream, naked to the waist. The rest was no dream. He was there in the darkened room, naked, poised over her, waiting, a man who certainly didn’t love her.

  Still half-asleep, she stared up at him in terror, at the dark beard shadowing his face, and screamed, shoving at his chest with both hands. “No,” she cried, scrambling free of him, “get away from me!”

  Moments later, fully awake, huddled in the space between her bed and the wall, she gazed uncomprehendingly across the bed at Zed. Glancing quickly around the room, she saw they were alone.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked.

  “I—I thought for a moment you were Talal,” she admitted, hugging herself. “It’s dark in here and I must have been dreaming.”

  Zed shook his head. “You scared the hell out of me. I had no idea you were still asleep. When you began to respond to me, I thought you’d woken up.” He ran a hand over his stubble. “Guess I’d better shave before we take this any further.”

  If he meant the lovemaking, Karen had no heart to continue, whether or not he shaved. Still shaken, she was totally out of the mood.

  What was wrong with Karen? Zed asked himself that evening after they’d eaten and Danny was in bed for the night. She claimed she felt all right, but she certainly wasn’t acting normally. Never before had she turned away when he tried to put his arms around her as he’d done a few minutes ago. All he’d meant to do was kiss her and offer some affection—but she wasn’t having any.

  He figured it must be tied in with that weird episode earlier when she’d mistaken him for Talal. Damn the man, anyway. Talal was constantly on his mind; he could almost feel his presence. It was as if Talal had claimed a piece of Zed as his own. The feeling unnerved him as much as Talal’s continued absence annoyed him.

  Not that Danny had to worry. Zed planned to adopt the boy once he and Karen were married—he was sure she would agree it was a good idea. Danny couldn’t be any more his son than if he had fathered him. He intended to make it legal as well as emotional.

  Could it be Karen was having second thoughts about the marriage? About marrying him for Danny’s sake? She’d made it clear enough that was her reason. The words were seared in his mind: We’ll marry you, Danny and I.

  She’d had the sense to see it was the best solution, but he couldn’t help wishing she could have found an additional reason for agreeing. He wanted her in his bed every night, wanted her where he could reach out and touch her, but she seemed to be putting that off as long as possible.

  The sex continued to be great, as always with her, but he needed more than great sex from Karen.

  He envisioned them alone in some isolated spot—say a snowed-in cabin at Tahoe. Without Danny. Maybe Jade could take him for a couple of days. He see
med pretty fond of her. Just Karen and him, together, with no distractions. He found himself getting aroused thinking about it.

  Glancing over to where she sat reading, he said, “How’d you like to go cross-country skiing?”

  Karen looked up. “Skiing?”

  “You said you liked to—so do I. Tahoe is just up the hill, and they have both downhill runs and groomed trails. They’ve got some great cabins up there. We could leave Danny with Jade and take a few days for ourselves.”

  Up’ came that damn thumbnail to her mouth, which meant she was having to think it over. Why should she? In his opinion it was a great idea, offering a way for them to be alone together and maybe ski besides. Obviously she didn’t feel for him what he did for her.

  “Why don’t we wait until after the wedding?” she said. “Danny will have settled in here and be more secure by then, and I’ll be more comfortable leaving him with someone else.”

  “The wedding’s not until March thirty-first,” he reminded her. “By then we may or may not have good skiing. But at least you’re aware we’re not taking Danny on our honeymoon.” His words were tinged with anger. Couldn’t she tell he needed to be alone with her away from the ranch and everything else? Now, not waiting until after the wedding.

  She closed her book with a snap. “You don’t have to get ticked off about it. We can cross-country ski in that valley southwest of here—Hope Valley, isn’t it? They have groomed trails and it’s close enough so we could go and come back the same day. We could even put Danny in a backpack and you could—”

  “Damn it!” he grated. “You don’t have a clue to what I’m talking about.”

  “I thought it was cross-country skiing,” she snapped.

  “How the hell could you mistake me for Talal?” he demanded. “Even in a dream?”

  “Is that still bugging you?”

  “What do you think? How would you feel if I mistook you for another woman who looked like you?”

  “I don’t happen to have a twin.”

  “He’s not my twin!” He shouted the denial.