The Zygote Crystal

by Ashley Thomas

  “Oh, really, really well done Inspector. I would never have thought of defusing a bomb with vomit.”

  “No, not many people would Joosthava,” said Cat, before I said with a knowing sigh,

  “Sometimes my dear it’s just knowing that the unexpected probably wasn’t expected when the villains were expecting something else.”

  Cat stood up on his hind paws at this point and clapped his front paws to the top of his head exclaiming “What? What? What are you blathering on about you buffoon?”

  Before he could say anymore I interrupted and asked, “What caused the ship to rock about so much whilst I was defusing the bomb and saving us then?”

  “Well that’s the beauty of it all,” said Cat. “Joosthava, who is without a doubt genuinely bright, unlike some who think they are, took you back to the Mud Lizard ship on the last ‘vault’ to a time before they had originally eMDaDD-ed the bomb to our lightship. This meant that when you got onto their ship this last time, there were two versions of the bomb on-board their ship in different physical locations. There was the original bomb that had not yet been planted by a Mud Lizard via eMDaDD onto our lightship, plus a second instance of the bomb. That instance of the bomb was created after the original bomb had been planted on you, when you mistakenly went to their ship. You inadvertently brought it to our lightship after Joosthava killed the Mud Lizard on their ship but then you returned it to another part of their ship. After you finally came back to our lightship ‘bomb-less’, the original bomb planting by the Mud Lizards then happened at the time that it was always planned by them to happen. You then vomited on it, which coincidentally defused it. However, unbeknown to the Mud Lizards, this still left the second instance of the bomb on board their ship and….. KABOOM!!......they blew themselves up.”

  “Oh that’s just so confusing,” I said, “And total nonsense. How can the same bomb exist twice?”

  “Elementary my dear buffoon,” said Cat, “Elementary. You see the two instances of the bomb existed at the same time but in slightly different physical locations. Of course the same bomb cannot exist in exactly the same place and time nor normally even at the same time and near to each other. However, because the original bomb had been moved through space effectively by Joosthava, though attached to your belt, this had the effect of making the space-time co-ordinates of the bomb considerably more fluid than normal. That made it possible for a genius like Joosthava to then effectively force a second co-existing instance of the bomb. She did this at a point in time and space very close to the location of the original bomb, on your last ‘vault’ to the Mud Lizard ship.”

  He stopped and I breathed in deeply. The furrows that had formed in my forehead as he spoke his scientific gobbledegook actually hurt. I decided that there was no point in questioning this lunacy further and simply said,

  “Huh. It doesn’t matter how many instances of the bomb there were, we would still have been blown to smithereens whatever you say and whatever Joosthava did. You cannot deny that I was the only one with the foresight to vomit on the bomb. Without my vomit we would be dead,” I ended triumphantly.

  Cat responded, “Yes, I think we can safely say, without a shadow of a doubt, that when it comes to vomit, you are indeed the expert.”

  Getting back on mission

  Whilst I thought about whether or not he was being even vaguely sincere, Joosthava said, “Never mind all this. What’s important is we can now get back on mission. Inspector we need to get to Messier 31.”

  “Ah, yes,” I said, “But now that I’ve saved Cat and he’s back as it were, is there any real need for me to go? I mean I have a stack of really important reports to read and recommendations to write. I urgently need to clear out my sock draw. Oh and I can’t find my G-Soft mind-speakers. I really can’t travel long distances without those.”

  “Oh please Inspector, we need you. Mr. Cat and you separately are top class investigators, but together you seem invincible to me.”

  Whilst I stared at her wondering how to respond to that lot without finally revealing just how much of a coward I was, Cat interjected in his most sarcastic miaowy tone,

  “Oh yes Inspector, you must come. You never know when we might need your vomit again.”

  I so wished Joosthava had not been standing there because in 1:1 circumstances I would have just taken a very large wrench to him. However, as she was there and actually before I could say anything, she put a large section of her hair around my shoulders and said, “Well that’s settled then.”

  Reluctantly, I agreed and Cat touched the necessary controls to put us into Hyper-LightDrive. Next stop Messier 31.

  Arrival at Messier 31

  The next thing I knew we were slowed from Hyper-LightDrive to standard LightDrive as our ship approached Messier 31. I say the next thing I knew because Joosthava had mixed me a special medicinal concoction she said would finally settle my stomach and whilst it may well have done this, it also completely knocked me out. I had needed the rest I must say and as I peered out into deep space through the front ports, I felt much refreshed. All I could see was mainly blackness. Well, we were at a black hole I thought. However, there was a faint glimmer of light, just a thin line that I could make out and for which we seemed to be heading.

  “That's the mining platform,” said Joosthava. “That will be where any ships will be docked.”

  I looked towards Cat and said, “Do our scanners show any ships in port.”

  “Nope,” responded Cat.

  I breathed a sigh of relief and said “Excellent. As there are no ships here shall we just go home? No point in risking my life any further if there's no one here eh?”

  Cat’s eyeballs rolled up into the top of his head as he said, “Don't get too excited about going home. Your skin is not safe yet, oh brave Inspector Brainless. You see, once we got to within a few light years of the black hole, our sensors just stopped working.”

  I gulped and said, “So basically, we could be heading towards a squadron of parked Mud Lizard ships for all we know, right?”

  “More or less,” said Cat, “More or less.”

  “But don't worry too much Inspector,” interjected Joosthava, “Our most recent intelligence suggested that there were no Mud Lizard ships currently in the vicinity.”

  I responded in my most exasperated and impatient tone, usually borne out of total fear, “Whose intelligence for goodness sake?”

  “Well certainly not yours,” said Cat none to quietly before Joosthava added,

  “We've been scanning the approaches to Messier 31 for some time now for obvious reasons and have not seen Mud Lizard activity for some weeks.”

  I glared at Cat and said, “Why am I always the last to know. It’s always the same. Whether you fart or there's going to be a Mud Lizard attack, I'm the last to know but the most likely to suffer any consequences.”

  Cat looked up and responded, “I have repeatedly told you I DO NOT fart. I expel gaseous fumes that unfortunately build up as I compute!!”

  Joosthava looked quizzically at me and said “What is this ‘fart’?”

  I was slightly stumped for a simple reply and so just said,

  “In relation to Cat, I sincerely hope you never find out Joosthava. However, unfortunately, Cat’s ‘gaseous expellation’ as he refers to it, is just about our most effective weapon against the Mud Lizards to date. I mean, I know we now have your hair obviously, but that can be a bit messy at the end of the day. Cat’s approach, whilst pretty foul for us humans, is definitely more ‘mass destruction’ and in addition you don't wind up with dead Mud Lizards oozing masses of goo.”

  “Oh,” said Joosthava, “But we do also have the Extermatron of course.”

  Cat and I consult

  I repeated the word ‘Extermatron’ then held my finger up to Joosthava and said “One small moment my dear, Cat and I need to consult.” I then marched over to Cat who was still by the navigation console. Before he could protest, I gathered him under one arm before moving
swiftly through a door behind the console, into a storage compartment. With the doors closed behind me I held him up in front of me by his scruff and moved my eyes to within an inch of his.

  I then more or less hissed, “I know you’re clever. I know now after all these years that you must mean something to me because I really did miss you when you were dead. However, I did kind of start getting used to you being dead. I mean, obviously it wasn't easy but after a while I discovered there were equally as important things in my life, like coffee, airsoaps, Cadabra Universe and inter-galactic football. So, now I know that you can actually be blown to smithereens, UNLESS YOU KEEP ME REGULARLY INFORMED FROM NOW ON, I WILL GET A GAS MASK. AND I WILL GET A BOMB AND SHOVE THE LATTER UP YOUR REAR PORT,” I yelled.

  With lips pursed and whiskers drawn back Cat said, “Alright alright, apologies. Sometimes things move so fast it is difficult to keep you in the loop. Remember, you have all those tax calculations to keep you occupied. I don’t want to distract you from that.”

  I thought for a moment and then realised that in a sense he might be right. After all I was the Tax Inspector and I did have to keep constantly on top of the changing panoply of tax laws and regulations. “Nevertheless,” I said in a more conciliatory tone, “A short cumulative update now and then would be most welcome.”

  “Sure,” he said as I let go his scruff and he plummeted to the floor.

  As was usual with Cat, he exhibited no cat like characteristics when it came to even basic acrobatics. As he dropped he almost instantly went rear-end up and like a speeding rocket, crashed head first to the metallic floor. Being made of Rubanon was as ever lucky for him, but in this particular instance unlucky for me, as he ricocheted off the floor and slammed into my lower midriff. I collapsed in a heap as he marched indignantly back out to the flightdeck. I followed on hands and knees desperately trying to get my breath, whereupon Joosthava exclaimed,

  “Goodness me, what have you two been up to?”

  As I tried to explain that we’d been in conference whilst working out our forward plan, Cat interrupted saying,

  “Can we please get on with the job in hand?”

  I slowly stood up, adopting a very peculiar knees together and feet apart stance. This was the best I could do to be comfortable given the precise location of the blow from Cat’s head. Joosthava explained that we had docked at a small space station which was in fact also a time drilling platform.

  Krokus Joe

  “Right,” she said marching over to the airlock door. “Let’s find out who’s running this operation, though I think I know who that might be.”

  I sort of followed her with a rather odd shuffling gait, as although the pain was subsiding, I was still not yet able to bring myself to pull my legs apart at the knees. The airlock door suddenly swished open and we walked through to be confronted by what at first appeared to be an empty curved corridor. As we walked down this I could see, around 10 metres away, a flickering light, much brighter than the ambient light. As we got closer I could make out a thankfully human looking form. It was clear as we approached that the individual was engaged in some activity with a small handheld laser device, which was emitting the bright light we had seen. The figure was crouching down with their back to us and appeared oblivious to our approach until Joosthava almost shouted,

  “Well, well, Krokus Joe. What exactly are you up to?”

  The crouching figure jumped up, dropping the laser drill he’d been using. As he tried to stand up, he fell half backward, presumably due to the shock of hearing Joosthava’s voice. When he finally managed to clamber to his feet I could see he was quite an impressive height, well over 2 metres I would have said. He had to keep his neck and upper back slightly stooped so as not to bang the top of the curved corridor ceiling. He stared wide eyed at us and then, focussing on Joosthava, he said in a surprisingly high pitched voice,

  “Crikey you scared me. You might have warned me you were coming.”

  Joosthava responded, “Right. And if we had warned you would you have been here when we arrived? I doubt it Joe, I doubt it very much. Where are my time packets? You haven’t sent me any for several weeks.”

  Krokus Joe gulped a little and said, “I’ve had a few problems with the equipment. All sorts of breakdowns and faults. I was trying to fix one just now as you startled me. Production has plummeted.”

  “Really Joe,” said Joosthava as she moved closer to him, “that’s not what our sensors have been telling us. There have been very large time shifts recorded in this vicinity over the past several weeks. I think you have some explaining to do, unless there is someone else at Messier 31 mining for time.”

  I interjected at that point with, “Excuse me but I thought you were the time miner Joosthava. Now you’re saying Corky Joe is the time miner?”

  “Krokus Joe you imbecile,” interrupted Cat, “can’t you get anything right?”

  Then Joosthava added, “I can mine time Inspector, so Mr. Cat is right to refer to me as a time miner. However since I came to realise that I had time shifting capabilities of my own, I have focussed on working with and understanding those capabilities, leaving others to provide time packets for me to use in my studies. Krokus Joe is the most adept of my suppliers. In fact he is the most skilled time miner in the Universe I would say. Would you not agree Joe?”

  None of us had been paying attention to Joe and he had taken the opportunity to nip off further down the corridor and was just about to disappear from sight around a bend. In an instant, Joosthava flicked a thick strand of hair in his direction, curling the end of what must have been at least a 5 metre length around his right ankle. As she yanked her hair back, he instantly fell to the floor, looking fearfully at us. Joosthava stood, feet apart, hands on hips and started to contract her hair. As she did, Joe was pulled slowly and unceremoniously back to where we were standing.

  I looked at Cat and said, “Why don’t you have useful tools like that?” to which he replied,

  “You’re right. I should have some useful tools. All I have is you, a positively useless tool.”

  I scowled at him and was about to say something back when I heard Joosthava say to Krokus Joe, “OK Joe. Now tell us the truth. Where are your time battery stocks and how many time packets have you already given to the Mud Lizards?”

  Whilst she was saying that, Joe had turned his body to be face up on the floor. Another thick strand of Joosthava’s hair was now curled around his throat and appeared to be pushing him down whilst yet a third strand, this one with a familiar hard ‘pointy’ end to it, was poised over his chest.”

  I gulped, remembering what Joosthava had done to the Mud Lizard on board their ship. Mainly in an attempt to try to avoid being made to feel sick again, I stepped over to where Joe was laying and said to him,

  “I really advise strongly that you tell her the truth because I’ve seen what her hair can do. I mean it just ripped through a Mud Lizard’s flesh. I have to say it just stood no chance. One second it was a slobbering Mud Lizard and the next second, after Joosthava had turned one of her ponytails into a scythe, it was a pool of slobber and goo. I mean boy was it gooey. It was quick and very final. So, to save us all from more mess, I’d just answer the questions if I were you.”

  Joe looked at me and then at Joosthava and said “I don’t know anything.”

  At this Joosthava’s spear like strand of hair rose vertically a couple of feet into the air and, glistening with hardness, it looked to me like it was preparing to descend at high velocity towards Joe’s chest.

  Very quickly, before any downward movement of Joosthava’s hair could take place, Joe spoke again, urgently shouting out the words “I know lots and I’ll tell you.”

  Krokus spills the beans

  Information gushed from Krokus Joe’s mouth. He explained that Mud Lizards had arrived in force at Messier 31 over 6 months ago, in a fleet of several eMDaDD machines. Since then he had been mining plenty of time and all for the Mud Lizard leadership. Basically, they
had threatened to dismember him if he didn’t help them. Goodness I thought, these Mud Lizards had a real fixation with dismemberment!

  Most of the Mud Lizards left after a week or so, leaving just 2 of their kind, with a couple of eMDaDD machines, at the mining platform. For the next several months one of these two would always stay to watch over Krokus, whilst the other would disappear off somewhere in one of the eMDaDDs.

  Krokus gathered, from the amount of time they needed him to mine, that they were ultimately planning a big time vault, in terms of years. From some diagrams he saw in one of the eMDaDDs, it looked to him as though they were intending to go back to prehistoric times on Earth. He wasn’t exactly sure though why they wanted to do this, other than there seemed to be a special crystal there that they needed.

  At this point I thought I could be helpful so said, “If they want a crystal, they could see if any that I have in my collection at home might satisfy their needs. I mean if I manage to help them they might consider taking me off their ‘Wanted in Pieces’ list.”

  “This is a very special crystal,” said Joosthava, “we believe there are only 4 of them in the Universe, spread across space and time.”

  “There you go again with the ‘we’, when I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.” I said.