Next Time I Fall

by Jeff Erno

  Lot then took his two daughters up to the mountains where they found a cave. He then proceeded to have sex with each of his daughters.

  As Steve recalled the details of the story, he had to stop walking and just stood there, shaking his head. What did it have to do with homosexuality? Nowhere in scripture did it say that Sodom was destroyed because the inhabitants of the city were having sex with members of their own gender. It didn’t even allude to this notion elsewhere in scripture. When Jesus referred to the story of Sodom, he never mentioned homosexuality.

  And what about the other bizarre details? God turned a woman into a pillar because she looked back? Lot had sex with his own daughters? It made no sense. Certainly incest was more despicable to God than homosexuality, wasn’t it? Not according to the teachings of the church. And what about the fact Lot had offered his own daughters to an angry mob?

  But why had Steve accepted this story for so many years without questioning it? Why had he never before noticed the inconsistencies? Even if you were to argue that the angry mob must have been gay because they preferred the male angels over the young girls, how did that apply to homosexuality in general? The mob was a hostile group of thugs trying to break into Lot’s home. They weren’t gay men in loving, committed relationships.

  What else from the Bible might be inconsistent? What other stories had he accepted as fact that actually made no sense? Cain, Adam and Eve’s son, killed his brother and was banished from Eden to a foreign land where he found a wife. How was that possible? Adam and Eve were the first and only people on Earth.

  Noah managed to squeeze two of every animal on Earth onto a single boat he and his seven other family members had constructed. They lived there for an entire year, feeding the animals, cleaning up their waste, caring for them. Then they had to start repopulating the planet and did so by having incest with each other.

  Jonah was a prophet sent by God to Nineveh to preach to the city’s inhabitants. He rebelled and ran from God, boarded a ship, and began to cross the sea, so God sent a tremendous storm. The crew members of the ship, frightened, threw Jonah overboard to calm the waters. It worked. The storm abated, but Jonah was swallowed by a huge fish. He lived inside the animal for three days and he was puked up on the shores of Nineveh where he then preached God’s message of repentance. The city was then spared from God’s destruction.

  The list went on and on. How did these stories make any sense? They were miracles. That’s what Steve had believed all his life. God could do anything. He could create special fish that could swallow humans without digesting them for three days. He could magically fit sixty million species of animals onto one boat. He could make a wife appear out of nowhere for Cain.

  These were the stories contained in God’s word. They had to be true. God said it, so Steve had to believe it. He had no choice but to accept the stories and interpret them literally. God said he’d created the world in six days. That meant six twenty-four hour days. God created all the animals within the first five days and then later preserved them on Noah’s ark. Evolution was impossible. Dinosaurs were a myth.

  If he’d been wrong—if the church had been wrong—about homosexuality, might it also be possible they were wrong about a lot of these other things? Maybe those stories containing the miracles weren’t really supposed to be interpreted as literally as Steve had been taught. Maybe they were more allegorical. What if the stories merely provided themes or general principles that could teach us lessons about life?

  What if Pastor Mathers and the Baptist church were wrong not only about homosexuality, but also pretty much everything else?

  When he arrived at his home, he let Felix off his leash and pulled out his phone. The pastor had tried calling him early that morning. He hadn’t left a message.

  Rather than try to contact him, Steve initiated a text. “Pastor, I’m not feeling well and can’t meet you for canvassing today. Going to stay home in bed and hopefully be better by tomorrow.”

  A couple minutes later, a text response appeared. “Get better soon. See you bright and early tomorrow morning.”

  He read the text and set down his phone. He thought again of Eric as he walked over to his fridge and retrieved a bottle of water. The phone chimed again. Another text.

  He picked up his phone to read the message. The pastor again. “And we will talk about where you were last night.”

  Steve didn’t bother to reply. Instead, he snatched up his keys, wallet, and Felix’s leash. “Come on boy. We need to take a road trip.”

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Eric couldn’t stop smiling. The night before, he’d been hesitant to even say the “L” word, but over the past seven days, his life had been flipped ass over tea kettle. His emotions had run the gamut, so to speak, first devastated by Max’s departure, then depressed. He’d grown excited upon meeting Steve and then disappointed…then hopeful…and now…? What about now? They’d spent just one night together, but already Eric sensed something different than anything he’d ever felt before. Steve’s question to him on the couch…Is this what love feels like?

  After they’d made love, they showered and curled up once more on the sofa. They finished off the Chinese food and watched movies. Eric told Steve about his own coming out, how his mother had been accepting and supportive, but his father not so much. His parents were already divorced at the time, and his dad seemed unfazed by the news. He could hardly have been shocked, but from that time on, their relationship had been distant.

  He confided to Steve how he’d never really had a serious, committed relationship. He’d always wanted one but had somehow managed to fall for guys who were unattainable. He admitted for the first time that he’d been in love with Max and that he was still recovering.

  “I don’t want another situation like that. I don’t want to fall in love with someone who can’t love me back.”

  Steve held his hand, looking directly into his eyes. “Me neither.”

  “The next time I fall…the next time will be different.”

  Steve smiled. “I hope so.” And then they’d kissed. And Eric held him, and smelled him, and felt him. And none of it seemed real. But it was.

  They didn’t make love a second time, but they touched and kissed each other a million times. They slept together, Steve’s head resting in the crook of Eric’s arm. And when they got up in the morning, Eric made a huge breakfast—pancakes and scrambled eggs, both bacon and sausage links. After they ate, Steve jumped in the shower, then kissed Eric about a hundred times at the front door before saying goodbye. And then he left.

  Eric told him to call at any time, day or night, if he had any problem. Steve had promised to do so. Eric had no problem facing the pastor. He wouldn’t hesitate to tell the man straight to his face what he could do with his religion. He would go to the mat for Steve. He’d defend him in a heartbeat. But he also had to respect Steve’s beliefs. He was still sorting everything out, and in the end, he was going to have to decide what to believe and what not to.

  It wasn’t like a light switch that could be turned off or on. The entire belief system Steve had embraced had been a major part of Steve’s life for many years. He wasn’t likely to go from being devoutly religious to being an out and proud gay man overnight. It might be years before he developed the desire or ability to let go of some of the beliefs. He might never be able to at all.

  Steve had to examine all aspects of his faith. He had to determine what he would believe and why. And he had to make these choices independently. Though his religion had taught him his sexual orientation was a choice and his religion was his destiny, the opposite was actually true. Religion was not something you were born with. It was a choice. Sexual orientation was innate.

  After Steve left, Eric took Drake for a walk then came back and worked out in the basement for about forty-five minutes. The exercise invigorated him, and though now breathless, he felt more alive than he had in a long time. The jittery, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of infatuation would not g
o away. So he kept smiling.

  Until his phone rang.

  He snatched it off the stand and quickly checked who was calling. It could be Steve. He might need Eric already. But it wasn’t him. Eric recognized the number.

  “Max?”

  “Hey man, it’s me. Do ya miss me?”

  He slowly sank back onto the weight bench, shocked at the sound of Max’s voice, then leaned forward. “Max, how’re you doing?”

  In his typical, nonchalant manner, Max laughed. “Well, you know how it is.” Actually, Eric didn’t. He had no idea. This was the first contact he’d had from Max in over a week.

  “Enjoying California?”

  Max sighed heavily into the phone. “Dude, this situation’s a bust. It’s not working out here. Not at all. The guy who promised me a job…he’s a flake. There is no job.”

  “What? Max, where are you now? Are you at the man’s house?”

  “Fuck no. Like I said, that was a nightmare. You said I could come back anytime, right? That’s what you told me when I left, and I’m just kinda hoping the offer still stands.”

  The phone went silent for a minute. Eric didn’t know how to respond.

  “What do ya say, man? Can I come home? Can we just go back to how things were before?”

  Eric stared straight ahead, his mouth open but unable to speak.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The three-and-a-half-hour drive from Grand Rapids to Steve’s northern Michigan hometown barely registered as a blip in his memory. He’d been so preoccupied during the drive, thinking of Eric and of the future that lay ahead of him, he’d pretty much driven on auto pilot. As he pulled into his parent’s driveway, his mother must have heard his car, for she stood at the front door.

  “What are you doing here?” She rushed down the steps and threw her arms around her son as Felix excitedly wiggled around at their feet, wagging his tail. “Why didn’t you call and tell me you were coming? I’d have had lunch ready for you.”

  “It’s okay, Mom. I came to see you, not to eat.”

  “Well, you have to eat something.” She placed her hand on his back, ushering him toward the house. “Come on in, come on.”

  Once inside, Steve glanced around. “Where’s Dad?”

  “Now where do you think your father would be on a Saturday afternoon?”

  “Fishing.” Steve smiled.

  “But if you had called, I’m sure he’d have been here.”

  “It’s okay.” Steve shrugged. “I really want to talk to you alone anyway.”

  “Honey, what’s wrong?” She pulled out a kitchen chair for him, as if he were unable to manage the task himself. “Sit down.” She nodded toward the seat. “Let me get Felix some water.”

  “You got any iced tea?”

  “What kind of question is that? Of course I have iced tea.” She drank nothing else, summer and winter.

  Steve stepped over to the fridge and removed the pitcher, then grabbed a glass from the cupboard. He reached into the freezer and removed some ice cubes from the same plastic bin his mother had always used, then filled his glass with ice and tea.

  “Mm,” he said after swallowing a huge draught of tea. He refilled the glass before returning the pitcher to the fridge. He took a seat at the table as his mom assembled an emergency plate of store-bought cookies. “Mom, I’m fine. I don’t need anything to eat.”

  “Okay, okay.” She slid the plate in front of him then took her seat at the table. “Honey, is something wrong?” She placed her hand on his arm, staring him directly in the eye.

  He took a deep breath, then smiled meekly. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  Her expression grew serious, then frightened. “What is it? Has there been an accident or something? Is it something to do with your church?”

  “Well, kinda. I mean, it does have something to do with the church…or it’s going to soon enough. There’s something about myself I’m going to have to tell them, and they’re not going to like it.”

  “Steven, you’re scaring me.”

  “I’m probably going to lose my job as associate pastor. They’ll likely ask me to leave when I tell them the truth.”

  “No! Honey, I’m sure you’re overreacting. Did something happen? Did you do something? If so, you can confess and ask for forgiveness—”

  “I’m not asking for forgiveness, and no, I didn’t do anything wrong.” He took hold of his mother’s hand. “Mom, I’m gay.”

  She stared at him for a moment, her brow wrinkled, looking confused. “Gay?” She shook her head. “You don’t mean…?”

  “Gay…as in homosexual.”

  “Oh sweetie, you’re not. You’re not that way at all. Of course, you’re not. You’re just lonely. You haven’t met the right—”

  “I have met someone, and I think he might be the right person.”

  She pulled back her hand, covering her heart. “Oh dear God. Someone’s gotten to you. Someone’s tempted you, seduced you into a lifestyle!”

  The absurdity of her reaction would have been laughable if not so hurtful. “Mom, it’s not like that. I’ve always been gay. Think about it. Think back on me as a little boy. Remember the fashion magazines in high school, the drama classes and school plays. I hate sports, play piano, and love romantic comedies.”

  “None of those things make a person…that way.”

  “Of course they don’t. They’re stereotypes, but they can also be signs.” He leaned back and closed his eyes for a second. “I’m not gay because of any of those things,” he said when he opened his eyes. His mom was now standing by the sink. “I’m gay because I’m naturally attracted to men rather than women.”

  She shook her head. “No. Steven, you know what the Bible says about this. You, of all people, know God’s word. Homosexuality is a sin—an abomination.”

  He nodded slowly, never breaking eye contact. “Yes, I know what the Bible says. And I know what my heart says.”

  “And you’re choosing to follow your heart, to go with your feelings over the commandments of the Lord?”

  He could have predicted every word of this conversation. These were some of the same questions he’d asked Barry. He wanted to look away from her, to look down at the plate of cookies, to reach down to pet Felix beneath the table. But he couldn’t. He could not take his eyes off her as tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “Mom, do you know how much I love you?”

  “Oh Steven!” Her voice cracked. “Please, I beg you, don’t do this.”

  “Please sit back down and let me talk to you. Let me explain…”

  “No!” She spun around, reaching for a dish cloth, and began wiping the counter. “There’s nothing to explain. You’re right. They will kick you out of your church. They’ll fire you from your job. How could you expect anything else? What choice are you giving them? You’re defying the Bible. You’re disobeying God.” She kept her voice even, as if her cruel words were just normal conversation.

  “Do you remember me telling you last year about my roommate who was expelled?”

  “Please tell me he’s not the one. Did he do this to you, Steven?” She turned around to look at him. “Did he recruit you? Did he molest you? If so, you can get help. It’s not your fault!”

  He shook his head adamantly. “Nobody recruited me. And no, nothing happened between Barry and me. He was just a friend and a roommate, but he was also gay. When he was expelled, I felt so guilty.”

  “So that’s what this is about? Honey, I know you have a very soft heart. You have empathy for everyone, but that boy was very messed up, very confused. He had to be sent home for his own good.”

  Finally Steve picked up a cookie, examining it. “Sending Barry away like that was about the cruelest thing I’ve ever witnessed. Do you know what they did? They held a special assembly at the chapel…mandatory attendance. And they announced what they’d done. They called him out by name and used him as an example. They also contacted his family, his pastor, and his church. T
hey made him wait outside our house along the curb of the road for his parents to arrive to pick him up. I waited with him beside his suitcase and boxes. All he could do was cry!”

  “Steven…” She stepped over to him, placing her hand on his shoulder. “It’s a very sad story, but that was not you. That was another boy.”

  As he looked up at her, he heard the back door opening. His mom looked up, an expression of panic swept over her face. “Your father’s here. Steven…you can’t tell him.”

  “Tell me what?” His dad was already standing in the doorway.

  “Hi Dad.” Steve offered a weak smile. “Actually, I do have to tell you something. Can you come and sit down?”

  His mother looked at Steve, her eyes wide. She pursed her lips, then pulled out her chair and sat back down. His dad walked over and sat opposite his wife at the table. Steven sat between them on the end.

  Steve took a deep breath and looked at his father. He might as well just plow ahead. “Dad, I was just telling Mom I’m probably going to be leaving the church. They’re probably going to fire me and ask me to leave.”

  “Oh really?” His dad still wore his camouflage vest and his hat that had fishing lures attached. Steve had actually bought the hat for him as a Christmas gift several years back, and it strangely touched Steve’s heart when he saw him wear it.

  “When I tell them…um…when I tell them I’m gay, I’m sure they will expel me.”

  His dad continued to look at him, expressionless, and did not so much as flinch. “Well, I guess you’d be better off leaving a church like that, don’t ya think?”