Next Time I Fall

by Jeff Erno

  Steven nodded.

  “Norm…please don’t say that! Steven can’t leave the church. It’s his calling. It’s his whole life.”

  His dad looked at his wife then again to Steve. “That’s not what I’m hearing. Janice, this is our son. We…we love him, no matter what. I don’t give a rat’s ass what some church says.”

  Steve’s eyes instantly flooded with tears. “Thank you, Dad,” he whispered. “I love you too. Both of you.”

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Eric had tried three times to call Steve, but his calls all went straight to voice mail. Something had to be wrong. Maybe he should go over there. Steve hadn’t seemed depressed or suicidal or anything when he left, but what if he’d gotten home and suddenly started to feel guilty about everything? Fuck! Eric didn’t even know exactly which house he lived in. He didn’t even know Eric’s car because he had always walked to Eric’s house. Maybe he’d be able to tell by the yard. He knew Eric lived in a small house with a fenced-in back yard, and the fence had been patched after Felix broke through.

  “Drake, let’s go for a walk and see if we can find Steve and Felix. Want to?” Of course, Drake was up for a walk. If it’d been a blizzard or hailstorm the dog would have been just as excited to go outside.

  Eric knew where Van Dyke was, although he’d never had a reason to drive down the street. It wasn’t part of his own subdivision, but the houses were decent. It was part of a middle class neighborhood.

  When he and Drake got to the main road, they had to wait to cross over. Traffic was heavy on a Saturday afternoon, everyone out shopping and running around. He could see Van Dyke across the intersection and he spotted what he thought might just be Steve’s house. It was a very small, ranch-style home, and sat next to a much nicer, two-story home. And it had a wooden fence around the backyard.

  At last they were able to cross the highway, and Eric headed straight for the small home. When he got to the sidewalk, he hesitated, wondering if he should knock on the front door or walk around, through the gate, to the back door. He shrugged and headed for the front porch.

  He looked around for clues, anything to confirm this house belonged to Steve. The mailbox bore no name, only a number. He walked to the edge of the porch and stepped into the side yard. That’s when he spotted the hole in the back fence that had been patched with a piece of plywood. He’d found the right place.

  He rushed back to the front door and knocked hard. He waited, but no one answered. There was no car in the drive, so perhaps Steve had gone somewhere. He was about to turn and leave the porch when a voice from behind him caught his attention.

  “Can I help you?”

  He turned to look directly at the pastor, who stood a few feet back, on the opposite end of the porch. Perhaps he didn’t want to get close to Drake, who looked up at him suspiciously.

  “Pastor Mathers, I don’t know if you remember me…”

  “Yes, of course I do. Last Saturday, we met at your condominium.”

  “Right.” Eric nodded. “I was just looking for Steve. I wondered if he might be home, but apparently not.”

  “Reverend Warren is a bit under the weather today. He sent me a text message this morning stating he was ill. Perhaps he’s gone to the doctor or to urgent care.”

  “Really? Oh no…”

  “Or perhaps he went someplace else. I don’t know. His phone seems to be turned off. When I try calling, I get sent straight to voicemail. And how is it again you know Reverend Warren, other than our visit last weekend, I mean?”

  “Well, that’s exactly how I know him. That’s when we met.”

  “Interesting. I don’t recall him telling you where he lived.”

  “He didn’t.” Eric took a step closer to the man. “He just mentioned the street name. Then when his dog Felix broke through the fence the other day, he showed up in my yard. I called Steve and he came over to pick him up. I just wondered if Steve wanted to go to the dog park with Drake and me…that’s why I’m here.”

  “Interesting. How did you know the dog belonged to Pastor Warren?”

  “They have these little things now that you put on your dog. They’re called a dog tag.”

  The pastor laughed sardonically. “Oh, I see. Well, he doesn’t appear to be home today. You wouldn’t happen to have been with him last night, would you? He never came home. Stayed out all night.”

  Eric shrugged. “Don’t know anything about that, but I’d say if a grown man decides to stay out late, that’s his own business.”

  The pastor glared at him. “We try to maintain a respectable appearance…for the sake of our congregation. As ministers, we have an added burden of setting a good example.”

  “Hmm.” Steve nodded. “Is that so?”

  This time the pastor stepped closer to him. Drake’s low growl caused him to stop, and Eric held firmly to Drake’s leash. “I’m going to ask you this politely,” the pastor said. “Please stay away from Steve. I know what kind of person you are. I know what you’re after, and Steve is a decent young man. Don’t destroy his life. Don’t tempt him. Please.”

  “You don’t know shit about me, Pastor. And don’t worry, I would never do anything to hurt Steve. I’m not the one teaching him to hate.”

  “I’ll ask you once to leave before I call the authorities and report you for trespassing. This is church property. You and your dog are not welcome here.”

  Eric laughed. “You don’t have to ask me to leave. I’m already out of here. Good day, Reverend.” Drake was now nearly snarling. Eric tugged his leash. “Come on boy. Heel.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Coming out to his folks had been, by far, the most difficult thing Steve had ever done. The irony that his father, to whom he’d never felt particularly close, was the one who’d accepted the news without even flinching struck Steve at his core. His mother and he had always maintained a very close relationship. His three older brothers hung out with Dad. They were the ones who liked all the typical, manly activities like sports and hunting. Steve had bonded with his mom. They shopped together, spent time in the kitchen cooking and baking, watched sappy romantic comedies side-by-side on the living room sofa, and they went to church together. Always. She knew him better than anyone. How is it that she could not have seen?

  Maybe his dad had always suspected. It was obvious that Steve was different than the other four male members of the family. Even in high school, he had towed the line. He wasn’t caught with pornos under his mattress like Sean. He didn’t get busted with alcohol and weed like Mark and Matt. The entire family had always shown up to cheer on his brothers as they played basketball and football for the school teams, and they’d done the same for Steve when he had a recital or play. But couldn’t the rest of them all see how different he was?

  His mom had always explained his uniqueness as a calling from God. That’s what had set him apart. That was why he didn’t like the typical rough and tumble activities boys were expected to gravitate toward. That’s why he didn’t get in trouble, get caught drinking or carousing. That’s why his very spirt seemed so much more sedate and gentle. He had a soft, loving heart. He’d been touched by the hand of God.

  Right now his mom was probably questioning herself, wondering how she could have been so wrong in her assumptions. Maybe she was embarrassed by all the times she’d defended him. When people had looked at him with disdain for being too feminine, she had never hesitated to speak up on his behalf, to explain how he’d been called at an early age to preach the gospel.

  What was going to happen when word got back to his home church that he’d been fired? Though it hadn’t happened yet, Steve knew with certainty it soon would. He’d come out to four people so far, and as excruciating as it was, it was also liberating. It felt wonderful to speak the truth, to no longer have to lie. And he couldn’t go back and bear false witness to the pastor.

  His folks—more specifically, his dad—had told him if he did lose his job, he was welcome to return home. There would alwa
ys be a room for him. So if Pastor Mathers told him tonight to pack up and leave, at least he wouldn’t be homeless. It certainly would make for a long day of driving. He might get a motel room…or maybe crash at Eric’s house.

  Oh, how he’d love to spend another night with that man. He wished he could go there and never leave, but it was far too soon to even consider moving in. They’d had one date, had slept together one time. And when Steve had asked about love, Eric very quickly shut him down. Yes, it was way too soon. Love at first sight might exist in those romantic comedies he watched, but never in real life.

  His heartbeat quickened as he drove into Grand Rapids. Cutlerville was located on the south side, so he had to drive all the way through the city to get to his exit. When at last he turned onto 68th Street, he’s vitals had more or less returned to normal. An inexplicable calmness came over him. This was the right thing to do. He knew it. He’d known it for some time.

  He pulled into his drive and removed his phone from the glove compartment. Having turned it off that morning to avoid hearing from the pastor, he now wondered how many calls he’d missed.

  Eric. Eric. Pastor Mathers. Eric, Pastor Mathers.

  Five missed calls, three from Eric. He stared at his phone a minute, wondering if he should call or wait until after he’d talked to the reverend. When he looked up, his question was answered for him. Pastor Mathers stood beside the car, staring in at him.

  Steve pushed his door open and looked up into the reverend’s eyes.

  “You didn’t return my calls,” he said.

  “Yeah. I see that. I just now checked my messages.”

  The pastor crossed his arms over his chest. “Where were you?”

  Steve got out of the car, and Felix scurried out beside him. “I had to go up north. Had to talk to my folks.”

  “So you lied to me. You weren’t sick after all.”

  He nodded. “Yes, I’m sorry, sir. I lied.” He walked Felix over to the gate and let him in, then turned back to the preacher. “I lied about being sick today, but that’s not the only lie. I’ve been lying to you—and to literally everyone in my life—for some time now.”

  “Why don’t we go to my office and talk about it, pray together. We have a merciful, forgiving God, and He will hear your repentance.”

  Steve nearly laughed but somehow managed just to smile. “No, I think you misunderstood me, sir. I’m not repenting for anything. I’m sorry for lying to you, but I’m not sorry for who I am.”

  The pastor took a deep breath. “Does this have something to do with the man we met last weekend? The man with the Doberman Pincer?”

  This time he did laugh. “Drake’s a black Lab, one of the most docile breeds. But yes, it does have something to do with that man. Sort of. Well…” He paused. “No, actually it doesn’t. It’s not about Eric. This is about me.”

  “This is about the sin of homosexuality?”

  “This is about my identity as a gay man.”

  The pastor’s posture stiffened, almost as if someone had physically assaulted him. Had he been a Catholic priest, he would have probably at that point pulled out his holy water and begun dousing Steve. Instead he just stared, then shook his head. “Are you saying you’ve engaged in homosexual activity?”

  “That’s not exactly what I’m saying, no. I’m saying that I’m gay. But for the sake of complete honesty and transparency, yes I have.”

  “When I call an emergency meeting of the board, I assure you they will vote unanimously for your dismissal.”

  “I had no doubt of that.” He stepped back over to the gate. “I’m here to pack my things. I think pretty much everything will fit in my car. If not, I’ll come back within the next few days to get it. I’d have liked to say goodbye to my kids in youth group.”

  “You won’t be allowed near any children, not in my church.” His venomous tone dripped with hatred.

  “Yeah. Kind of figured that’s what you’d say.”

  “You have no desire to repent? You do realize there are programs, therapists who specialize in this sort of thing? Steven, you will never be able to preach again, but you can at least find deliverance from this sinful behavior…but you have to want to be delivered.”

  “I know all of that. There isn’t a thing you could say to me I haven’t heard a thousand times before—or said myself. I could go over all the biblical passages with you and show you why every single thing you believe about gay people is untrue, but I’d be wasting my breath. I am not repenting for being gay, because I know in my heart this is how God created me.”

  “Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools…” He was quoting Romans.

  Steve walked right up to the pastor, looked him in the eye, and spoke. “A new command I give you: Love one another.” Then he turned and opened the gate. “I’ll leave the keys in the mailbox.”

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  The Gerald R. Ford Airport in Grand Rapids wasn’t exactly a teeming epicenter of transportation. They had only fourteen gates and just three turnstiles in their baggage claim area. Max had left San Francisco at eleven Eastern time that morning, had a layover in Denver, and was due to arrive in Grand Rapids at 8:42pm. Eric waited in his car outside the baggage claim and looked at his phone.

  He still hadn’t heard from Steve. Where could he have gone? Maybe he went back to his hometown. Damn, Eric hoped he was all right. He debated trying to call again, and just as he was about to initiate a text, his phone rang. He hurriedly pressed the button to accept the call.

  “Steve! Where are you?”

  “Sorry I didn’t call back sooner. I just got your message. Actually, I’ve been driving all day. I went home to talk to my parents.”

  “Is that where you’re at now?”

  “No, I’m here…at your house. I’m in the driveway.”

  “Oh shit. I’m at the airport.”

  Steve laughed. “Dang. We keep missing each other.” He paused before continuing. “I told them.”

  “Your folks, you mean? You told them you’re gay?” Eric’s phone beeped. He was getting another call. Fuck it.

  “Is that another call? You gotta go?”

  “No, no. Whoever it is, I’ll call them back. How’d your talk go with your mom and dad?”

  Steve sighed into the phone. “Believe it or not, my dad took it well. Mom, not so much. They said I could move back home for however long I need to, though.”

  “Oh.” That really sucked. Eric closed his eyes and rubbed his temple with his free hand. “Is that what you want?”

  “I kind of have no choice. I mean, until I get another job, I have nowhere to go.”

  “Why? Did you already talk to the preacher?” Eric’s heartbeat quickened. Steve couldn’t be doing this. He couldn’t be planning to just up and leave abruptly. Could he? Didn’t last night mean anything to him?

  “I just did a couple hours ago, and that went about exactly as I expected. He fired me and told me I couldn’t even say goodbye to the youth group.”

  “That dude’s a fucking asshole.”

  Steve laughed. “He’s protecting his congregation. That’s what he truly believes. Trust me, I know.”

  As Eric was about to respond, he looked up and Max stood on the curb beside his car. He was holding up his own phone, waving it. Apparently he’d been the one trying to call. Max stepped over to the passenger door and opened it. “Dude, pop the trunk.”

  “Who’s that?” Steve asked.

  “Oh…um, Steve, hold on one second, okay?” He reached up and pressed the trunk release on his dash. “Sorry. I’m picking someone up here at the airport.”

  “Really? That sounded like a guy.”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  Max had already tossed his suitcases in the trunk and now slid into the passenger seat beside Eric. “I bet you really missed me while I was gone.” He grinned.

  “That’s not your former roommate, is it?” Steve’s voice suddenly had become distressed. “Are you with Max?”

&n
bsp; “Just wait. I need to talk to you about this. Can you…”

  “I think I should just go.”

  “No, wait. It’s not what you think!”

  “Listen, I get it. I understand, and I don’t blame you. I have a long drive ahead of me. I stopped over to say goodbye before I left, but I probably should just get going. Thanks for everything…especially last night.”

  “Steve, wait. It’s not like that.”

  Max reached over and grabbed Eric’s wrist, pulling it quickly into his lap.

  “Damn it!” Eric exclaimed, pulling back his hand.

  “Come on man, I know you missed this.”

  “I better let you go. Sounds like you’re busy,” Steve said.

  “Wait! Please, Steve!” The line was dead. “Son of a bitch!” He turned to Max with his fist clenched. It was all he could do to keep from decking the kid. “You idiot!”

  He tried calling Steve right back, but the call went straight to voicemail. “Steve, listen. Please…please don’t leave. You don’t understand. I’m just giving Max a ride from the airport. He came back to Grand Rapids to stay at his grandma’s house. I loaned him the money for his flight, but he’s not moving back in. God damn it! I hope you listen to this message before you leave town…please don’t go. I’m sorry.”

  He was nearly in tears when he ended the call. He turned to Max. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “Dude, chill! I’ve only been gone a week. You’re hot for some other guy already?”

  “It’s been almost two weeks, and I’m not hot for anyone!” Eric lied. “I care about Steve and I’m worried about him. And you know what? I think he truly cares about me too. You lived with me for two and half fucking years and did nothing but use me.”

  “Oh come on.” Max flicked his hair away from his face. “As if you didn’t get exactly what you wanted. You got to suck my dick at least a hundred times.”

  “Why don’t you call your grandma to come pick you up? I don’t even want you in my fucking car.”

  “Eric…dude! Don’t be that way. Why don’t we just go back to your house? I really, really, don’t wanna stay at my grandma’s.”