Next Time I Fall

by Jeff Erno

  “I don’t care! Steve, please look at me.”

  Steve looked up, just barely smiling. “You’re asking me to stay with you for free, but I can’t take advantage of you like that. Until I know I have a source of income…”

  “No, wait. Listen, you can come for a visit. Stay as long as you want. While you’re there, you can look for work. If it works out, you can stay forever. If not, you can save up until you have enough to get your own place.”

  Steve’s eyes brightened and his smile broadened. “And we could sleep in your king-sized bed, and have breakfast together, and walk the dogs together, and go to piano bars…”

  Eric reached across the table to take Steve’s hand. He didn’t give a rat’s ass what people in this small town thought of him. “And make love.”

  Steve laughed, squeezing Eric’s hand. “That’s all the fairytale stuff, but you don’t yet know anything about my bad qualities.”

  “You have bad qualities?”

  “I’m not the best housekeeper.”

  “You’re not the best liar either. You’re very neat and tidy, more so than me. Besides, I hire a housekeeper. She comes once a week, usually while I’m at work. And she’ll be thrilled to clean up after you…because you’re cute.”

  “And I’m not good with handling money. I tend to spend it all on other people, and I can’t ever save.”

  “I’m a fucking accountant. I’ll handle the money…and I’ll help you save.”

  “I don’t eat mushrooms.”

  “That’s it!” He pulled his hand away. “Deal breaker! If you don’t like mushrooms, I want nothing to do with you!”

  Steve cracked up. “Okay, what about you? Tell me something about you that might annoy me, drive me crazy.”

  Eric leaned back in the booth seat and took a breath. “Hm. A lot of things, actually. The biggest thing is that I’m not sure I believe in God.”

  The waitress arrived with an enormous tray of food. Eric had ordered a variety of everything, including pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy, and toast.

  Steve’s mouth dropped open. “There’s no way we’re going to eat all this.”

  “Is it too late to send this all back?” Eric asked the waitress with a wink.

  “Yes! We have a strict no-refund policy.”

  Eric shrugged. “Guess we’re stuck with it. Start eating!” He picked up his fork.

  After the server had left, Steve spread jelly on his toast and resumed the conversation. “Are you more worried that your agnosticism will be a problem for me, or is it that it bothers you that I’m a person of faith?”

  Eric shook his head slightly. “Neither. I can’t think of a thing about you that bothers me, and it’s not that I fear my lack of faith will bother you. I do worry that you might ultimately decide it’s too big of a difference, that we are too opposite—incompatible.”

  “That’s interesting you’d make that observation, because before meeting you, it used to be something I thought about a lot. I prayed God would lead me to the right person, and that we would have this one thing in common for sure, our love for Christ.”

  “But you thought then it would be a woman, right?”

  Steve raised his eyebrows, smiling in the most demur manner. “That’s another one of those contradictions I hadn’t sorted out. At the time, if I were to have put my thoughts into words, I definitely would have said I prayed God would lead me to the right girl. But on a different level, perhaps subconsciously, it wasn’t as clear. I’d notice other guys, sometimes just their physical appearance, other times their personalities, and I’d find myself attracted. I’d envision some sort of relationship or connection with them, perhaps a desire to just be their friend. It wasn’t usually overtly sexual, although it would occasionally morph into sexual fantasy but usually later, when I was alone thinking about them.”

  “I get it. You were attracted to men, not women.”

  “But then my Christianity somehow got mixed into all that. If I saw a good looking guy and heard him cursing or noticed him smoking a cigarette, I’d immediately dismiss the possibility of this fantasy relationship. The very idea that he didn’t seem like a Christian turned me off.”

  Eric took a sip of his coffee.

  “I realize it’s stupid. For one thing, just because a person smokes or swears doesn’t mean they can’t be Christian. And at the time I believed being gay was the biggest sin of all, so what difference did it make?”

  “Well, if you’d have asked me a month ago if I’d ever consider dating a religious dude, I’d have laughed you out of the room. But you know what? I met you and completely changed my mind. I’m so smitten by you, every part of you, and your faith is a part of who you are. I think no matter what happens to you in life, your faith will be the foundation upon which you stand. People don’t abandon their ethical core. These core beliefs about right and wrong are imprinted at an early age. You might change how you interpret religion and spirituality, but you will probably always believe in God.”

  “Does that mean you will probably always not believe in God?”

  Eric shrugged. “Maybe. But I also have imprinted beliefs. I also have a moral center, an ethical core. I do believe in generosity, kindness, forgiveness, compassion. I believe in personal responsibility and honesty, integrity.”

  “And all those things are part of my belief system.”

  Eric finished swallowing a bite of his eggs. “It’s just that I believe in humanity. I believe we should be good people, should treat others as we want to be treated, simply for the sake of the human race. You ascribe it to a higher power, something larger than yourself.”

  “Yeah.” Steve wiped his mouth with a napkin. “But you have to understand something. An issue I’ve grappled with on and off for years has suddenly begun to bug me. I’m afraid to really pick it apart and analyze it because…well, it’s like a house of cards. It could make my whole belief system crumble.”

  “Hasn’t that already happened? I mean, with you acknowledging your sexual orientation, you kind of opened the door to questioning everything.”

  “True, but this is even bigger than me being gay, believe it or not. As a Christian, the basis of my faith is Jesus Christ. He’s my Savior because He, as the Son of God, came to earth to die for my sins. It’s all part of this elaborate plan by God to offer salvation from eternal hellfire.”

  Eric nearly rolled his eyes, but instead just listened.

  “But see, I’ve always had this problem with Hell. It makes no sense to me, and mainly because our particular denomination believes it to be eternal. It’s a torture chamber, basically, where souls suffer in relentless agony and never experience even a millisecond of relief. And when you consider the breadth of eternity, it’s mind-blowing.

  “Imagine for a moment the worst human being you can think of. Who would you say that might be?”

  “Hitler?” Eric arched his eyebrows.

  “Okay. So, take Hitler as an example. He killed at least six million people. If anyone is deserving of Hell, it would be him, right? So if you were the judge sentencing him, how long would you say is fair? What is just? What if you sentenced him for a year of non-stop torture for each of his victims? That would be six million years of horrendous torture. Think of how long one minute of torture would seem. Imagine a day or week—non-stop. Imagine a year. I mean, a human lifetime is only about seventy-five years. We’re talking six million, and that would only be the beginning.”

  “So what’s your point? Hell shouldn’t be eternal? I’d suggest that Hell shouldn’t exist at all. It’s an absurdity.”

  “Well, without Hell, there is no need for salvation. But it’s not just someone like Hitler, probably the worse man ever to have lived. It’s everyone. It’s my dad, who’s always been a good person but who doesn’t believe in the Bible. It’s you. It’s billions of Muslims who weren’t lucky enough to be born into a Christian society. It’s people who’ve gone their whole lives striving to be decent human beings
. If they die without having accepted Christ as their Savior, they’re all going to fry forever and ever, right along with Hitler!”

  Eric couldn’t help it, he had to chuckle. “Yeah, well, you’ve just articulated why I can never be a Christian. What kind of God would even create such a place? For what purpose? Because Eve ate an apple?”

  “Eve sinned, she ate the forbidden fruit, and therefore sin was passed onward to all mankind. ‘Wherefore as by one person, sin entered into the world, and death by sin, for all have sinned’.”

  “No disrespect intended, but I call bullshit.”

  “So you see my dilemma? I can’t abandon my faith in Christ, but how can I believe something like that? Yet without the reality of Hell, there is no salvation. What exactly did Christ save me from?”

  “I’m probably not the right person to answer these questions.” Eric wanted to help, but what could he say? Your whole belief system sucks and makes no sense? “Let me just say this, as an agnostic.” He took a deep breath. “Okay, if I were—hypothetically—to pick up a Bible and start reading it for whatever reason, and I hoped to glean anything from it, I couldn’t accept any of those stories as literal truths. I don’t believe the world was created in a single week. I don’t believe a snake talked to Adam and Eve in the Garden. I don’t believe millions of animals climbed onto an ark. But I might learn lessons from them. Maybe they weren’t meant to be taken literally, and maybe when Jesus Christ says He’ll be your Savior, He means He’ll save you from loneliness and isolation and fear—things like that. Not from a literal place of torture.”

  “Save us from ourselves. He came to teach us love, to show us how to love one another.” Tears began to well in Steve’s eyes. He nodded. “That’s really the greatest salvation of all.”

  Eric smiled. Reaching around the plates of food, he took Steve’s hand once more. “I like that interpretation a lot better.”

  “Me too.” Steve tilted his head back. “Dang it! Why do I get so emotional?”

  “It’s one of the things I love most about you.”

  Steve squeezed his hand. “I’ll go back with you…for a visit.”

  Eric beamed.

  “On a trial basis.”

  “Of course.”

  “But when I get a job—if I get a job—I will begin paying my fair share. I refuse to live off you. And you can ask me to leave any time you want.” Eric was nodding as Steve spoke. “And I have to bring Felix.”

  “Duh. That is a mandatory condition.”

  Steve blinked away his tears. “And I agree with you. I think the next time I fall in love it might be with you.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Steve’s dad sat at the kitchen table petting Drake when Steve and Eric walked through the side door. Drake looked up at his master, seemingly torn, then finally pulled away in order to rush over to Eric.

  “You’re spoiled,” Eric said with the shake of his head. “I bet he was bribing you with treats.”

  “Beautiful dog,” Steve’s dad responded. “We had one looked just like him back when I was growin’ up. Rex lived about sixteen years, pretty old for that breed.”

  “Yes sir, that is.” Eric reached down to pet Drake. “Drake’s just three, still practically a pup.”

  “He’ll settle into a real nice companion. They’re a docile breed but damn good hunters and trackers.”

  Steve’s mom stood behind her husband at the sink. She hadn’t turned to greet them, and a pang of sadness and disappointment stabbed at Steve’s heart. The vase of roses he’d left on the kitchen table had been moved to the counter, replaced with a plate of homemade cookies.

  Steve took a step toward his mother. “How was church?”

  She didn’t look up but continued washing the same spatula she’d been scrubbing since they walked in. “It was a very nice service.” She moved the spatula to the rinse water and then the dish drainer and wiped her hands on a towel.

  “Mom, I want you to meet my friend Eric.”

  She turned toward him, but didn’t look up into Eric’s face. Her quick smile and nod appeared forced and insincere.

  “A pleasure to meet you, ma’am.” Eric smiled, hesitating as if he’d step forward, but she turned once more to the sink.

  “Help yourself to the cookies. They’re still warm.”

  “Ow wow.” Steve raised his eyebrows, rubbing his tummy. “Mom’s chocolate chip are the best. Too bad we overate at the restaurant.”

  “I’ve always got room for homemade chocolate chip cookies.” Eric stepped over and snatched one off the plate. He took a bite. “Mm. So good.”

  Steve, to be gracious, also took a cookie but didn’t immediately bite into it. He instead inhaled deeply because he feared everything was about to hit the fan. But before he could open his mouth to inform his parents he’d be heading back to Grand Rapids with Eric, his mother spoke.

  “Maybe your friend could help you unload your car. It’s still packed to the brim with clothes.”

  Eric looked at Steve, then took another bite of his cookie.

  “Well…” Steve began. “I need to talk to you about that. I just talked things over with Eric, and he’s invited me to stay with him for a while…while I look for work in Grand Rapids. I might even go back to school. I haven’t decided yet.”

  His mother spun around, now holding a mixing bowl she’d just washed. “I thought you were going to ask for your job back at the store. I thought you were going to stay here, go back to church…like before, like it used to be.”

  He shook his head. “Things will never be like they used to be, I’m afraid. Mom, you know I wouldn’t be welcome back at the church. Once they find out—”

  “Honey, no.” She dropped the bowl back into the dish water. “You can get help. You can talk to Reverend Miller, pray with him. I know it’s not too late.”

  “Janice.” Steve’s dad turned in his chair. “He doesn’t want to go back to that church.”

  Eric moved closer to Steve, placing one hand against the small of his back. Steve should have probably been angry with his mother for her rude and tacky comments, but he just felt sad. It had only been a day since he’d come out to them, so perhaps he was expecting too much of her. But he’d hoped she would find it in her heart to at least be welcoming toward his friend.

  Maybe she was trying. She’d baked the cookies, after all. She’d tried to smile and greet Eric, even offered him a cookie. This was a lot for her to absorb. A lot had changed in a very short time period, and she needed some time to process it all. She needed to grieve the loss of the son she thought she knew.

  “Mom, please…let’s not argue. I know you can’t see it right now, but you’ll eventually realize I’m the same person you knew before I came out to you yesterday.”

  She shook her head.

  “And if you think back on my life, from the time I was born, you will see the signs. You might even ask yourself how you missed them. I pray that one day you will no longer hate the fact I’m gay but that you’ll thank God for it. It’s because of who I am—who I’ve always been—that you and I are so close. It’s because of the way God made me that you and I spent hours baking cookies, going shopping, watching romantic movies. It’s because of my make-up, my DNA, that I’m not like my brothers but more like you. I play piano and love classical music. I love show tunes and musicals.

  “Dad’s probably wondered all these years what about his one son made him so different from the other three? You kept telling him it was just the way God made me. I was special. And you were right.”

  Her face crinkled and she began to cry. Steve’s dad rose from his chair and wrapped his arm around his wife’s shoulder as Steve stepped forward. He pulled his parents both into his embrace.

  “I do love you,” she whispered. “I love you with all my heart, but this is so hard.”

  “I know. I know.” Steve pulled back and moved back over beside Eric. He wrapped his arm around Eric’s waist. “And if you’ll give him a chance, I know
you’ll love Eric too. He’s not the pretty young lady you’d always dreamed I’d one day bring home to meet you, but I think he’s so much better than that. He’s funny, smart, successful. He’s a CPA.”

  “A CPA?” Steve’s father looked impressed. “We might never have to pay for tax preparation again.”

  “Guarantee it, sir,” Eric said.

  “I’m sorry,” Steve’s mother said. “I’ve been praying non-stop since yesterday.”

  “I know you have,” Steve whispered. “Me too.”

  She smiled. “But what about the Bible?”

  He took a deep breath. “I’m going to leave you a couple books. One is written by a guy who’s a lot like me, Matthew Vines. It’s very detailed, and he examines every passage of scripture used to condemn homosexuality. I think you’ll find it helpful. The other is a true story a mom wrote about her son being gay. She was a devout Christian and struggled when he came out to her.”

  “So this is something you’ve researched? It’s not just a whim.”

  “I’ve spent hundreds of hours reading, praying, studying the Bible. I know this is hard for you, Mom. Imagine how it was for me.”

  She stepped closer to Steve and Eric. Holding out her arms to Eric, she pulled him into a hug. Steve stepped back, smiling. “I’m sorry for how I acted. Welcome to our home.”

  Eric held her for a couple seconds then backed out of the embrace. “Ma’am, you did almost as amazing a job baking these cookies as you did raising your son.”

  She turned to Steve. “I probably shouldn’t ask this, but what should I tell everyone at church?”

  Steve thought a second, then shrugged. “Tell them the Lord has led me in a different direction but that I’m very happy. And tell them I’ve met someone special.”

  “Tell ‘em to mind their own damn business,” Steve’s father spouted.

  Eric grinned. “I like his answer better.”