Next Time I Fall

by Jeff Erno

  “Get out! Get the fuck out of my car!” Eric opened his door and slid out of his seat, then charged back to the rear of the vehicle. He slid his foot under the bumper to release the trunk, then grabbed Max’s suitcases and hurled them onto the curb.

  “Wait! What’re you doing?” Max had exited the car. He rushed over to his suitcases while Eric slipped back behind the wheel. He pressed the door lock, then rolled down the passenger window barely an inch.

  “Forget about repaying me for the plane ticket. I know you never would have anyway. I never want to see you again!” He quickly checked his mirror and peeled out away from the curb.

  Max stood there staring, his mouth hanging open.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Steve sat in his car, shocked, and tears streamed down his cheeks. Had he just thrown away his entire life because of his feelings for a guy who was in love with someone else? Dear God, what should he do? What could he do?

  He turned off his phone and tossed it into the glove compartment. He had no choice but to go back to his parents. It would be hard, to say the least, to return to his former boss at the grocery store and ask for his job back. He had to do something for money, though. He couldn’t live at his parents’ house for free.

  And he had to develop a plan to forge his way down a new path, but at this particular moment he felt as if he’d reached a dead end. Everything his life had been based upon—the Bible, the church, his relationship with Jesus Christ—how did he even start to make sense of it anymore?

  “Father, please help me,” he whispered.

  The Bible said to “pray without ceasing” and throughout his childhood and teen years, that was pretty much what he did. He had constantly directed his thoughts to God. His internal monologue was like one long prayer. That alone had made self-acceptance nearly impossible. He believed that entire time that God hated homosexuality, and yet God was inside his head, hearing everything, seeing every temptation, feeling every emotion.

  And in spite of everything, he couldn’t just stop believing. He was beginning to look at things differently, to question how much of the Bible was literal and how much allegory. He was questioning the doctrines of his faith. He was starting to wonder if maybe the things he’d been taught back in eighth grade biology about evolution and dinosaurs might actually be true. But he hadn’t abandoned his relationship with God. He still believed Christ had died for him. He still believed in Heaven.

  Could he somehow find a way to continue in the ministry? Certainly his own denomination would not allow it, but he’d discovered online that there were some Baptists who were accepting of gay and lesbian parishioners. They identified as “gay-affirming” or “LGBT affirming” churches. He knew of none in northern Michigan, though.

  Maybe he could change denominations completely. Maybe he could become an Episcopalian or a Presbyterian. Even many Methodists accepted LGBT people into their congregations. But how? He’d certainly face all the same questions about the Bible and about the doubts that had suddenly manifested once he’d allowed himself to start thinking critically. He couldn’t become Episcopalian. He had no connection to or affinity for their liturgy. He couldn’t envision himself in a robe and collar performing baptismal sprinklings rather than emersions. He couldn’t suddenly just throw out everything he believed about sanctification, spiritual gifts, and sacraments. All these other churches believed so differently, had such different traditions.

  He got out of his car in Eric’s driveway and walked Felix around the yard. “I know you’re getting tired of car rides, buddy, but we have to go back home to Mom and Dad’s. And I know you’re gonna miss Drake.”

  Speaking of Drake, he stood at the front window and was going nuts upon seeing Felix. Steve’s little boxer didn’t seem to notice though. Or if he did, he didn’t care. Maybe he was just being a jerk, tormenting the bigger dog who desperately wanted outside. After sniffing around a bit, finally Felix stopped and looked up. He stared directly at his friend in the window, and Felix looked so sad.

  Didn’t boxers always look sad?

  Felix looked like Steve felt. “You were just pretending you didn’t care that you had to leave Drake, weren’t you? But you really do. You care a lot, and it’s breaking your heart.” His voice caught in his throat as tears again flooded his eyes. “Because you love him. You love him and you’re really, really gonna miss him.”

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Eric whipped into the driveway, his heart sinking upon seeing it empty. He’d hoped all the way home that Steve might have played his message and waited for him. Eric picked up his phone and tried calling once more. The call went straight to voicemail again. He hung up.

  He pounded his steering wheel with his palms. “Fuck!”

  He couldn’t believe Steve was gone. Although they hadn’t known each other long, they’d shared the most amazing night together Eric had ever experienced. But Eric should have realized how fragile he was. Steve had gone through a lot in a very short period of time. Every belief he held dear to his heart had been challenged, and he’d courageously opened his heart and mind to embrace his authentic self. But it had come at a cost. He’d lost his profession, his home, and his future. Eric should have been there for Steve in that moment of truth. He shouldn’t have let Max ruin everything.

  Max! Good God, what had Eric ever seen in him? Sure, he was gorgeous. Physically he possessed every characteristic Eric craved. He pushed all of Eric’s sexual buttons. But he was a selfish, immature ass. His cockiness now astounded Eric. The way he’d so arrogantly stated that he’d let Eric suck his cock, as if he were the one doing Eric the favor, now made Eric want to puke. How had he thought so little of himself to allow that punk to treat him that way? And the money he’d spent on Max—it was enough to make Eric sick.

  He got out of his car, not even bothering to open the garage, and lumbered to the front porch where he sat. Steve must have shut off his phone. He’d have to turn it on eventually, and when he did, Eric’s message would be waiting. Eric prayed he’d listen to it without deleting it first.

  Prayed? Eric couldn’t remember the last time he’d really prayed. He’d told Steve he was agnostic, but truth be told, he was probably closer to an atheist. The whole concept of God made little sense to him, at least through the perspective of religion. Why would God create humanity and then heap so much suffering and misery on the people He’d created? Why would He create a torture chamber such as hell for them to suffer even more when their life was over?

  One thing he knew for sure. Religion had done a number on Steve. That young man was one of the sweetest, most loving, selfless human beings he knew, and Eric wanted to march over to that preacher’s house and punch the prick right in the face. Eric wasn’t exactly intimidating. He’d never been a fighter, and most people who met him were not surprised to learn he was gay. The preacher probably thought Eric was a pansy. A wuss. A fruitcake. He’d love to show him. He’d love to teach him that even pansies can kick some ass when you hurt the ones they love.

  Love.

  There it was again, that word. But how could he love Steve so soon? That didn’t really happen, did it? Love at first sight? It happened in movies and romance novels, not to real people. But if this wasn’t love, why was his heart now breaking? Why did he want nothing more than to rush to Steve and pull him in his arms?

  Chapter Nineteen

  Steve could count on one hand the number of times he had missed Sunday morning worship service. In his entire life, he’d only ever skipped church when he was too sick to get out of bed. But here he sat, alone in his old bedroom, when he should be at church.

  He held his Bible in his lap as he sat there on the side of the bed, and simply wished the knot in his chest would fade away. This wasn’t how it was supposed to have happened. Everything seemed to have occurred all at once, and bam, all of a sudden the life he’d always known was over. Now he was alone. He didn’t want to even face anyone. He didn’t want to see anyone from his hometown, especially from the
church. He’d have to explain. He’d have to either lie or risk facing their judgment.

  He’d go down to the supermarket on Monday morning and talk to his former boss. All his former workers had been so supportive of him. They’d thrown him a party before he left to take the new job in Grand Rapids. What would they say when they saw he’d returned already?

  He placed the Bible beside him on the mattress and picked up his phone. He played the message from Eric again. He’d already listened to it at least a half-dozen times. He really should call him back if for no other reason than to thank him, but it hurt too much.

  “I miss him,” he whispered to Felix. “Do you miss Drake as much as I miss Eric?”

  The dog looked up from his position on the bed beside next to Steve’s pillow. His sad eyes spoke a thousand words. Yes, Felix missed Eric and Drake too.

  As Steve sat there, debating whether to go get a late breakfast or go for a run—anything would be better than just sitting here brooding—he heard the sound of car tires against the gravel in his parent’s long driveway. He rose from the bed and stepped over to his window, from which he had a clear view of the entire drive. His hand flew to his mouth as he gasped.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Eric hadn’t slept much. He couldn’t stop thinking of Steve. He couldn’t bear the thought that he might never see him again, and it killed him that he hadn’t even really gotten a chance to say goodbye to him. He got up early, even before the time he’d normally get up on a workday. At five o’clock in the morning, he sat alone at his dining room table wishing for a way to turn back time. If he’d only been here last night when Steve showed up instead of at the airport, things would be so different right now. He’d have never let Steve leave.

  Where exactly did he go, anyway? What did he say was the name of his hometown? Boyne…right, that was it. Boyne City. Eric had never been there but he knew some people through work who used to go up there to ski. There was a big ski resort there, and Eric had even seen advertisements for it.

  He pulled his laptop over to him and Googled the town. It was three hours and twenty minutes away, population 3,735, located on Lake Charlevoix. Now that’s a small town. But that’s where he’d lived all his life, in that little, rural community. No wonder he’d embraced religion so tightly. Eric couldn’t imagine a gay kid growing up in such a place.

  “Drake, you wanna go for a ride?”

  Drake jumped up and rushed to front door, already initiating his prance.

  Eric laughed. “Well, you gotta give me a couple minutes to get dressed, and then we’ll go. We’re gonna go find Steve!”

  He leapt up from his chair and rushed up the stairs, two at a time. He peeled off his sleep pants and T-shirt and jumped into the shower, and five minutes later was downstairs heading out the door.

  The drive took forever it seemed, even though it really wasn’t that far. But his heart beat like a bongo as he anticipated Steve’s reaction when he saw him. Well, that was if he could even find the house. He had no address, only Steve’s name, but maybe he could find someone in town who would know where Steve lived.

  When he finally made it to Boyne, most of the businesses in the small downtown district were closed. It was Sunday, after all. He stopped at the town’s only supermarket and walked up to the checkout area.

  “Hi, can I help you?” A very pleasant, middle-aged cashier greeted him from her register. Steve stepped closer.

  “I hope so. I’m not from here. I’m from Grand Rapids, and I drove up here this morning to find a close friend of mine. He used to live here, and his folks still do.”

  “I know pretty much everyone who comes into this store, but maybe not by name. Who is he?”

  “His name is Steve Warren.”

  “Stevie Warren! Yes, we all know Stevie. He worked here up until he moved away. No wonder you’re his friend, cause he moved to Grand Rapids.”

  Eric smiled—beamed ear to ear. “Do you know where his parents live? Can you give me directions?”

  “Sure. Are you a minister too?”

  Eric nearly laughed, but contained himself. “No, ma’am. But Steve’s an excellent preacher. He’s brought me to my knees.”

  “I had no doubt he’d be good. Very fine young man…we’re all so proud of him.”

  As she wrote down the directions for Eric, he spotted a display of red roses in the nearby floral section. He rushed over and grabbed all that remained, four bouquets. He carried them back to the register.

  “Oh how sweet of you, buying Steve’s mother flowers. Janice will be touched, I’m sure.”

  He smiled and paid her after she’d rung up the roses on the register. “Thank you so much for your help,” he said, then handed her one of the bouquets. “This is for you, for your help.”

  She held her hand over her heart, giggling, as she took the bouquet with her other hand. “Oh you’re such a dear. And so handsome.”

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Steve stood at the top of the stairs, watching as his dad answered the front door. From his vantage point, he could see and hear everything, but Eric couldn’t see him.

  “Mornin’” Steve’s father didn’t always come across as welcoming, with his gruff voice and steely, suspicious stare.

  “Good morning, sir. I’m looking for Steve.”

  Steve’s dad looked at the huge bouquet of roses Eric was holding and just stood there a couple seconds before responding. “Are you the young man who’s got my son’s heart all twisted into knots?”

  “Um…I think so, sir. I know he’s got mine about the same.”

  “I see.” His dad rubbed his chin, stroking his own whiskers with his thumb and index fingers. “Hm. Suppose you better come in then. Can’t promise he’s willing to see you.”

  Steve quickly ducked behind the corner, pressing himself flat against the wall. His father called up the staircase, barely raising his voice. “You can come out now.”

  Steve heard his father plod back into the kitchen, and slowly Steve eased his way back to the stairwell. Standing at the top of the stairs, holding onto the banister, Steve looked down and there stood Eric holding what had to be at least two or three dozen beautiful, red roses.

  Eric took a step closer to the staircase as he looked up.

  “How did you find me?”

  Eric smiled. “It’s not like you left the country. Once I found Boyne City, the rest was easy. Everybody knows you here. You’re very popular.”

  Steve moved down a couple steps, still holding the railing. “I wanted to see you yesterday before I left…to thank you in person for everything.”

  “I wanted to see you, too.” He moved another step closer. “I would have asked you not to leave.”

  “I had to leave.”

  “The first time I saw you, when you were petting Drake, my heart nearly stopped. I don’t know how, but I knew right then you were going to change my life.” He rose another step on the staircase. “I couldn’t stop thinking of you. I wanted to call you, but I couldn’t. Then you showed up the next day, wearing that tank top, maybe the same one you have on now. And I think that time my heart did stop.”

  Steve placed his hand over his mouth as he felt the sting of tears behind his eyes. “Felix and me…we walked by your house on purpose. It was his idea.”

  Eric grinned and took another step. “I believe you, because he came back on his own, broke through the fence. I think he kind of has a thing for Drake.”

  “And so you ended up calling me after all.”

  “And we had iced tea and talked about our dogs…and religion.”

  “And went to the piano bar…and kissed.” This time it was Steve who took a step.

  “And we made love,” Eric whispered.

  Steve closed his eyes, just briefly. Tears streamed down his cheeks. “It’s too early to say this, but it’s true. I love you.” He looked directly into Eric’s eyes.

  “I love you, too…whether that means we have officially fallen in love, I don’t know. But I know I
’ve never felt this way before about anyone. And if I haven’t fallen in love, well…the next time I fall, I know it’s going to be with you.”

  Together they took the final steps, embracing as Eric pulled Steve into his arms and kissed him passionately. Still gripping the roses, he held them behind Steve’s back. Felix, who’d managed to somehow push open the bedroom door, stood at the top of the staircase barking.

  “Maybe you’re right about this being Felix’s idea,” Eric whispered. They kissed again.

  Still in Eric’s arms, Steve reached up to brush away the tears from his cheeks. “You’re crazy, driving up here early in the morning, not even knowing where to go.”

  “I know, but it’s because you make me crazy. Like your dad said, you have my heart tied in a knot.”

  “Eric, what are we going to do?”

  “Well…” He steadied himself by grasping the banister and took one step back, then pulled the flowers from behind Steve’s back and held them out to him. “You’re going to take your flowers and do something with them, and then I’m taking you wherever you want to go for breakfast, and we’re going to talk about our situation. And I’m not leaving this town until we’ve figured out what we’re going to do in order to be together.”

  “But I’m not even employed. I’m…I’m another Max.”

  Eric scowled. “Trust me, you are nothing like Max, and I know you won’t be jobless for long. But let’s not worry about that now. Let’s just be together!”

  Steve took the roses, smelling one first, then smiled at Eric. “You’re the first man…the first person to ever give me flowers.

  Chapter Twenty

  “I want you to come back with me.” Eric leaned in as he spoke, his elbows resting against the table of the diner booth.

  Steve fiddled with his fork and looked down at his placemat. “Pastors don’t make a lot of money. The biggest portion of my pay was the benefits, the free room and board. I really have no savings, and very little in my checking.”