Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  ‘I hate to have to wash you off me so quickly, Babe,’ she apologized, ‘but I’ve got to get going. I’ll make us coffee. I think that was going to be my nightcap, wasn’t it? …then I must leave.’

  Ten could do nothing but lie and watch her darling as she moved about the kitchenette. She couldn’t tear away her eyes, drinking in every detail of this wondrous creature who, praise be, had chosen her to be the one with whom to share her life.

  ‘Coffee Madam,’ she said graciously, depositing the mug on the night table. Ten sat up at last and took savoring sips of the hot brew.

  ‘Mm..m, lovely. Thank you.’

  She sat herself down on the bedside and gently stroked the curve of Ten’s hip as she lay on her side, head propped on one hand as she drank. ‘You are so special, Ten. A very special person,’ she added. ‘You know, there is something about you that glows.’ She smiled into her eyes, as Ten looked dubious. ‘It’s true. It radiates from within.’

  ‘Sid.’ she exclaimed.

  Sid, looking pensively back said slowly: ‘I’ve given this much thought and I’ve come to the conclusion that the real beauty lies in your mind. Your way of thinking allows you to see good and noble things.’ She placed a gentle finger to Ten’s lips. ‘I have never heard you voice an opinion that puts people down. You don’t bring to mind gruesome horror stories. It’s just not in your makeup and I love that. You have gentleness and refinement …’ she continued to stare at her ‘ …and I mean that word in the nicest way.’ She leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the tip of her nose.

  ‘I believe you see things that aren’t there,’ she observed with a chuckle.

  ‘Do you want to make me mad?’ Sid flared, the words exploding fiercely. Ten’s eyes grew big in alarm as she shook her head in dumb submission. ‘Well, say things like that and I will be.’ The heat of Sid’s impatience struck her full force. ‘I want to share my feelings and thoughts with you, but if all you do is laugh at me … then I won’t.’ She had a reddened, inflamed look. Ten could see the frustrated three year-old inside the young woman; eyes a cloudy grey as if terrible abstractions had washed the sparkling blue from their depths.

  ‘I’m not laughing at you Sid,’ she objected, trying to placate this complex creature, so full of changing moods, yet so dear. ‘You overwhelm me and I don’t feel I deserve such accolades. But what can I say? “Yeah, you’re right, I’m wonderful?”’ She reached up and stroked the earnest face regarding her with such single-minded attention, the eyes glaring ferociously. ‘I don’t feel what you describe. I find it embarrassing to be analysed to my face in such glowing terms.’

  ‘So I embarrass you now, do I?’ Her voice was cool as she turned away, feeling confused, not only by Ten, but herself too. She didn’t want to be quarrelling, especially not now, after such a wonderful and thrilling time together. Sometimes she’d like to screw herself up and throw herself into the trash can; start over with a new model. Too many times lately, she brooded, she was rubbing herself the wrong way. What was happening to her? She didn’t know herself. ‘I’m sorry, Babe,’ turning back apologetically. ‘I don’t know what gets into me sometimes.’ Her voice was raw with ill concealed despondency. Try as she might she could not help rogue memories from souring her pleasure.

  Ten put her coffee down and leaned forward to embrace her lover. ‘It’s okay. I know you don’t really mean it. It’s just sometimes, emotions get too hard to handle and we get tangled up.’ Gently, gently. A rigid attitude now would make Sid emotionally unavailable and she desperately wanted to avoid this. What a sad reality, the state of happiness being so tenuous, when what is wanted actually coincides with what is received. She knew that what is claimed to be wished for, too often fails to deliver the cherished desire.

  With the hard look still staring out, Sid contradicted: ‘You don’t. You stay serene and calm.’ Her mouth was set in a determined line, but the underlying vulnerability showed through.

  She scrutinized this girl with narrowed eyes. “Sweet Goddess, did she really believe that?” wondering if she knew her, the real her, at all. A stab of fear shot through. She didn’t want to be apotheosised. Perhaps Sid had constructed this paragon and one day would wake up; discover her Tenille had feet of clay.

  ‘Remember, dearest,’ she said gently, ‘everyone has their ‘other side’, maybe you just haven’t seen mine yet.’

  ‘I know what I know and know what I see,’ Sid declared obstinately, not wanting her illusions, if that was what they were, to be shattered. “Don’t spoil things,” she entreated, silently, her belly clenching in apprehension. “Love can be so fragile … or is mine so weak?” She didn’t like the turn these musings had taken. How could she be so ecstatic one moment and thinking such dark thoughts the next? Her brain swung back to the task at hand and she smiled stiffly. ‘I must go. Let you get your sleep. Get my head down too.’ The words came out disjointed, an indrawn breath on each syllable. The voice seemed to belong to someone else. She felt arms tight around her as she was gently kissed. Ten had watched the play of emotions across Sid’s agitated face, knew she was hurting inside, but couldn’t figure out the reason.

  ‘Try to turn off for a while, my darling. Get a good sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow. We can finalize our plans for the weekend.’ She looked at her. ‘Tonight was wonderful. Thank you for this time. Truly, I feel you and I were made for each other. I believe this with all my heart. Our destinies are entwined. Everything in our lives has drawn us toward this moment … and now we are linked, only death can sever us.’ She continued to hold Sid with the power of her thoughts as well as her arms.

  She felt herself relaxing, the tension that had built up, ebbing away, as the quiet soothing of the softly spoken words poured balm on her bruised thoughts. Thank heaven she was in love with an older woman, not another silly teenager like herself. Imagine, two of them like her. A minor incident would blow up into a major disagreement at the slightest provocation. She rested her head on Ten’s neck. ‘I love you so much.’

  She stroked her face, hot from emotion. ‘You must go now. You need your sleep and it’s getting late.’

  Sid drew herself reluctantly away from the warmth of the embrace and her billowing softness. The separation was a too brutal wrench and she hated to sever the contact, but Ten was right, she must go. Only a little time now and they wouldn’t have to go through all this. On her feet she was resolute, her mind beginning to re-organize.

  ‘I’ll call you about one. See how you are and what you need. Then I’ll come over and we can get stuck into it.’

  Ten stayed her with her hand. ‘Before the week’s through, can you take me out to see your place? I’d like to know before it’s too late, where you lived and what your home was like.’

  ‘Of course. Why don’t we do that tomorrow, then?’

  ‘Oh, can we?’ Her face lit up. ‘Tomorrow would be perfect. For so long I’ve wondered about the Residence. It’s always been this mysterious blackhole into which you’d disappear. It would swallow you up and it was like you were lost to me.’

  ‘How fanciful you are,’ Sid observed indulgently. ‘It’s just a room. Anyway, tomorrow you’ll see. Let me tuck you up. I’ll let myself out.’

  She drew her nightshirt from under the pillow and Sid enjoyed helping her change. Feeling exhausted, she sank back against the bedding, sensing sleep to be close at hand. She was glad she wasn’t the one to make that drive. Her eyelids flew open with a start. ‘You will drive careful, won’t you? You’re not too sleepy?’

  ‘No Babe, I’m fine. Now don’t take on. Close your eyes and sweet dreams.’ She kissed those beautiful, curving lips once more and slid off the bed. She brought the door to softly and took one last look at her darling, lying peacefully at rest. The moonlight, shafting into the room through the blinds had taken all the color away, leaving her pale as death.

  ‘If I were to lose you now,’ she whispered, ‘I would kill myself.’ She turned and made her way to the car.

&n
bsp; * * *

  As they took the Belfield exit, Tenille exclaimed, ‘I’ve never been this far north of Toronto. You know I’ve not been many places in my life at all, when I come to think of it.’

  ‘Well darling … ‘have car, will travel’. Your dad was going to teach you to drive wasn’t he?’

  ‘Yes, but now I’ve got to wait.’ Her brow crinkled. ‘Then I will for sure.’

  Everything had gone smoothly today. When Sidonie arrived at the apartment, Tenille had allready done some packing. Her personal possessions and books she’d stowed in two boxes, to be dropped off at the house on the way back.

  ‘I wish it were possible to have you stay over with me.’ She pulled a face, remembering those house rules. ‘They make no distinction between males and females.’ Concentration on the corner took her thoughts.

  ‘Well, as you’ve said yourself, Honey, not long now and we won’t have to worry.’

  Curiosity filled Tenille, her head swivelling this way and that, trying to take it all in. This would probably be her one and only visit to the backstretch and she wanted to make the most of it. The day had dawned fine and sunny, but now the usual pall, dense and hazy was settling itself over the city which she could see as she looked back, towards the Harbor. Northward was clear and blue, the dancing clouds beckoning, shining a sharp metallic white, their outline silvered.

  Acres of velvet green, divided by newly painted white rail fences defined the backstretch. The residence, a single storey brick building greeted visitors in front where the gardens were artistically landscaped, but out back, where the girls had access to their rooms was only grass, albeit well mowed with neat edges.

  At the gatehouse Tenille had to sign the guest book. She noticed how friendly the guys were to Sidonie. Obviously a good rapport had developed over the months. She turned to her and laughingly explained: ‘They know I’m the Night-Owler. Not many girls keep the hours I do.’ They crunched along the gravel path towards the centre of the block, Tenille managing well on her crutches, doing a dot and carry one. Passing an open doorway Sidonie observed: ‘The phone’s in there. Summer time it’s OK, but in winter …’ she shuddered. ‘It also gives us quick access to the front.’ She stopped suddenly. ‘Here we are. This is mine, #11.’

  Tenille stood to one side as she unlocked the door. For no reason she could fathom her heart was pounding like a jackhammer. When she hopped over the threshold she was amazed to see how small it was. Only enough room for two single beds. The ensuite and closet were at the far end. Although the drapes were drawn there was ample light. They had a softening effect, which improved the room’s appearance. A chest of drawers doubled as the kitchen table where Sidonie now stood, taking mineral waters from her little bar fridge.

  ‘How do you cook?’ Tenille asked, frowning in puzzlement, as she looked about her.

  ‘I don’t. I buy cold meats, sometimes pate and make salads,’ she replied. ‘I’ve a toaster, an electric kettle and they do me just fine. Sorry no chairs, you have to sit on the bed.’ Tenille hopped over and stretched out on the dark green cover.

  ‘It’s comfy,’ she observed, as Sidonie plugged in the kettle for coffee. For now she brought over the two bottles to quench their thirst and set them on the night table.

  ‘So many nights I’ve lain on this bed and thought of you.’ She looked deeply into Ten, then continued, voice low and intense: ‘And here you are.’ Stretching out beside her she brought her down with eager arms, delivering soft, playful kisses holding her tight. Then with firmer grip she pressed into her back, their bodies meeting at their breasts. She moved her thighs against Ten’s. As the heat rose between them Ten opened her mouth and let Sid’s tongue explore and savor. The kiss deepened and soon she was lost in its intensity and its wonderful sensations.

  Startled apart by the piercing screech of the kettle, they laughed together. Sid got up after planting one more light kiss. ‘I like plunger coffee more than perked,’ she told her, happy to be sharing the small, personal details of her life. ‘I buy my beans from The Second Cup in the Woodbine Shopping Mall. They grind a delicious French/Vienna combination. Hope you like it.’ Ten stretched languidly where she lay and watched Sid go through the ritual. Soon that delicious aroma permeated the room. She poured two small glass cups and added half-and-half. Now they sat companionably, side by side on the bed.

  ‘Who’s this a photo of?’ Ten asked, picking up a silver frame from the night table, curiosity getting the better of her.

  ‘That’s my Ma holding my baby sister, Chelsey. She’s almost 14 now.’

  ‘Have they ever been out here to see you?’ she pressed.

  ‘No. I go visit them when I can.’ Sidonie returned the photo to its place.

  ‘Could I meet your mother and Chelsey one day?’ she asked ingenuously, hoping only to learn more about this girl whom she found so fascinating. For some reason she could not guess, Sid was reluctant to agree to this request.

  ‘Perhaps, one day,’ she said, noncommittally.

  She didn’t like to pursue what appeared to be a touchy area, but she couldn’t help feeling a little woeful. Change the subject. ‘Do you have any boxes? We could begin to pack some of your things.’

  ‘I haven’t any as yet,’ she admitted, ‘but I could start by putting my winter clothes into cases. If we take those over then I can come back and fill them again.’ The awkward moment slipped by and they were at ease again. Five o’clock found them thinking about food. Ten’s stomach had already been making funny noises, which she had been trying to ignore.

  ‘We could go to St. Hubert’s on the corner,’ Sid suggested. ‘It’s nothing fancy, but it’s clean, with modern decor.’ Ten’s tummy growled some more, in anticipation.

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ she said in perfect accord. ‘I’ll just use your loo first.’

  Cases packed, Sid dragged out two boxes of odds and ends which she already had, then thought it prudent to phone ahead to be sure someone would be there, since they didn’t yet have a key. Ten waited in the car and on Sid’s return, her face told her there was no problem.

  The meal went down very well. Just French fries and chicken in St. Hubert’s special sauce, a roll and salad, but the ambiance was congenial. ‘I don’t usually eat here,’ she confessed: ‘Just pick up something and take it back with me. It’s nice to be sitting and eating properly for a change.’ “Especially sitting opposite such a beautiful woman as you, you gorgeous creature.” ‘I tend to be an eater on the run,’ she admitted. ‘Mind you, when I was training for the competition I was stricter with myself. I would eat regularly and quite substantially then.’

  ‘Sid, what has happened about that?’ she queried. ‘You’ve not mentioned your training or the competition recently.’

  ‘Oh, I decided to bow out, this year. It was too much work,’ she replied airily.

  ‘Sid no.’ eyes growing wide with dismay. ‘That can’t be. You were so keen … the team and all …’ With a sudden foreboding she blurted out: ‘It was because of me, wasn’t it?’ Her brow creased. ‘You should have been working out, concentrating on your program and instead, you’ve been chauffeuring me around and looking for a place. All things that would distract you from your goal.’ Remorse cut. ‘Darling, I didn’t want you to miss out on this.’ Sid tried to speak, but she continued without pause. ‘You’ve put so much into it and you have such a good chance of doing well.’ How she regretted her not pursuing her interest. She had been thoughtless and demanding, completely forgetting the girl had her own life to lead. She bowed her head, twisting her napkin between agitated hands.

  ‘It’s OK Babe.’ Sid reached out to still the distressed movements. ‘I made my decision as to what I wanted to do and you were … are, my priority.’ She took away the shredded serviette and imprisoned her hands in both of hers. ‘Maybe later, sometime in the future, I’ll enter for another competition.’ She smiled into her eyes and gave her hands a reassuring squeeze. ‘There are always new challenges coming along. Don
’t be down, this is our time together,’ she encouraged. ‘We get so little of it,’ she added, trying not to sound bitter. In fact she hated any time away from Ten but … the shekels had to be earned and life went on.

  When they arrived at the house it was almost seven o’clock. Talking easily together over dinner, time had slipped by, but Moira and Rani didn’t mind, being without plans. Moira opened up for them. Tenille felt helpless, the others busy unloading, but she couldn’t ship or carry. However, bringing up their bits and pieces didn’t take long.

  ‘I’ll get keys cut for you Sidonie,’ Moira promised then complained: ‘I’ve not had a moment’s free time these last few days.’

  ‘That’s OK Moira,’ she replied, congenially. ‘I only don’t like having to bother you each time,’ she explained.

  ‘I’ll tell you what. Take mine.’ She picked up her keys from the little table by the door and began to slip two off the ring. ‘You take these. I don’t need them right now. Probably you would get keys cut sooner than I anyway,’ she added. ‘I’ll leave you,’ bestowing a benevolent smile: ‘Stay as long as you like.’

  About to close the door, Sidonie called out to her: ‘Will next Saturday – our official moving day – be OK for the rent cheque?’

  ‘No problem. I’ll get a receipt book.’ Moira looked well satisfied as she went downstairs, leaving the two alone in their new home.

  They took time to look around with more attention to detail. On second inspection, the apartment had more character. They would have to rectify lack of storage space, but the floors were beautiful parquetry, in excellent condition. Some interesting Dhuris, scattered about, would soften the sparseness and add warmth. Second time around, they appreciated the high ceilings and the moulding detail of the cornices and architraves, recognizing that older homes still had a style all their own. There was even a stained glass panel in the two side sashes of the bay window. With the sun in the right direction, colorful shafts of red and blue, would streak in.