Aiden looked at me with zero judgment in his gaze. “Is this related to why you broke up with him?”
Tears built in my eyes as I nodded. “I keep pushing him away when things get a little bit more heated.”
“Do you know why you’re pushing him away?”
My eyes snapped up, and I met his intense, yet soft, gaze. I nodded. “I have these nightmares.”
“I know a lot about those. They can take over your life if you let them.”
“Well, mine have taken over nearly the last ten years of my life. They’re about something that happened to me in college. I used to be able to escape them during the daytime, but they seem to be haunting me even during the day now, ever since Hunter and I have been…”
“Intimate?” he asked.
“Yes. I feel like I drift off to this dark place within me, and I’m trying so hard to push it away. To let light in…but I can’t. And the harder I try, the more it keeps appearing in nightmares. I don’t know what to do, and I’m scared. And I know I need to tell Hunter what happened. I can’t keep expecting him to hold me while I cry and not give him a reason for why I’m crying.”
I abandoned my fight to hold back the tears when Aiden got up, walked around his desk, and sat down next to me. He took my hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Have you ever spoken about what happened to you?”
I shook my head so fast, Aiden was nothing but a blur for a moment. “Never.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened, Arabella?”
My chin trembled uncontrollably as I nodded. “Yes.”
“Take a deep breath in. That’s it. Now exhale…and start when you’re ready.”
I did as he said. I closed my eyes and went back to that awful moment, almost ten years ago to the day.
“So we’re all in agreement about everyone’s part for the project?” Sarah asked, looking around the study room.
“I am,” I stated and looked over at Colby Wilkins and Peter Smith. They both nodded. Colby smiled at me, so I smiled back and then focused back on Sarah.
“Everyone needs to have their part of the paper written and turned into me by the end of the day on Tuesday. Colby, is that going to be a problem? Don’t you start like football training again or something?”
Colby nodded. “Spring training doesn’t start for another few weeks. I’m good, don’t worry. I’ll have it to you, Sarah.”
She studied him, then smiled. “Do you need any extra help? You can swing by my place if you do.”
I had to force myself not to roll my eyes. Goodness, Sarah didn’t even try to hide the fact that she had the hots for Colby. A part of me wondered if she just wanted to hook up with him purely because of the fact that he played football.
One more semester dealing with this sort of thing. I couldn’t wait to be back in Boggy Creek and with Hunter all the time. My mind drifted off to thoughts of our last time together.
“What are you thinking about, Arabella?” Peter asked with a laugh.
“Whatever it was, it must have been naughty for you to blush like that.” Sarah winked.
I laughed. “Don’t be silly. It’s just hot in this room.”
The study rooms in this part of the library were all private and soundproof, which was nice when you needed a quiet place to read, but in the winter they could get toasty. Everyone nodded, and I noticed Colby staring at me.
Sarah stood. “Okay, then that’s all for today. Have a great weekend everyone—and Colby, if you change your mind, call me.”
Peter chuckled as he quickly stood, grabbed his bag, and headed for the door. “I’m outta here. I’ve got a frat party I need to prepare for. You gonna be there tonight, Colby?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
Sarah handed me a piece of paper with information for the slide presentation, since I was the one in charge of making it. “Thanks,” I said, starting to gather up all my things.
“Later, guys,” Sarah said as she slipped out.
Colby stood and walked over to the door and shut it.
I looked up at him and slid a notebook into my backpack. He was leaning against the door, smiling at me. I stopped what I was doing and stared at him. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
A sudden feeling of dread washed over me when he let his eyes wander down my body.
“You like wearing dresses, don’t you, Arabella?”
I swallowed hard and looked at my dress. “Um, it was an unusually warm day today, so I thought I’d wear one.”
He nodded and pushed off the door, making his way around the large study table. “Does your boyfriend know how much you want me?”
My eyes went wide while my mouth dropped open. “Excuse me?”
“Don’t play dumb, Arabella. All the little smiles you give me. The way you dress in those tight sweaters and dresses. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you lick those luscious lips of yours all the fucking time. I’ve had dreams of your mouth around my cock.”
I took a few steps back, glanced at my cell phone in my purse on the floor, then focused back on Colby. “I don’t know what you mean, Colby, but I am very much in love with my boyfriend and not the least bit interested in you that way.”
The moment I saw his expression change, I knew my words were a mistake. Colby didn’t seem like the type of guy who liked women telling him they weren’t interested.
“I’m not good enough for you?”
“That’s not it, it’s just…I have a boyfriend.”
He nodded, taking a few steps closer. “If I were your boyfriend, there’s no way in hell I’d let you go off to college without me here to watch over you. So that just tells me he doesn’t care too much.”
A nervous laugh slipped free. “That’s not it at all. He’s going to a private college where he got a scholarship—”
The look in his eyes changed and he lunged so quickly, I startled. I attempted to dodge him and tripped over a chair. I tried to reach for my phone, but Colby grabbed my arm and pulled me close.
“Let go of me, Colby, or I’ll scream!”
He laughed—and the pure evil in the sound caused my entire body to tremble. “You won’t scream. I feel how your body is trembling, eager for me to touch you.”
I frantically tried to pull out of his hold. “No. You’re scaring me! Let me go or I swear to God, I’ll scream.”
He pulled me so hard I stumbled and fell into him. He spun me around and pushed me against the wall. Somehow, he had pulled both of my hands behind my back. His other hand ripped off the scarf around my neck and shoved it so far into my mouth, it made me gag.
“There, that takes care of the screaming now, doesn’t it?”
His hand moved under my dress, and I tried desperately to fight him. My sobs were muffled by the scarf, along with my pleas. Tears ran down my face as he ripped off my panties. I frantically shook my head and kicked my legs.
“Stop fighting me, or I’m going to make you pay. I can be rough or not—but one way or another, Arabella, I’m going to fuck you right here and now.”
I stilled, my eyes going wide with fear. He used his leg to push mine part. I sobbed, trying to get my hands free so I could pull the scarf out of my mouth. His body had mine pinned hard against the wall.
He pushed my dress up while I begged for him to stop, my words muffled by the scarf.
His free hand went to his pants and I cried harder, trying to pull my hands free of his grip.
“Does he have any idea how fucking sexy you are? How you flirt with other guys?”
I shook my head so hard, I nearly made myself dizzy.
“Does he touch you like this, Arabella?”
The moment he touched me, my legs collapsed. I felt sick to my stomach and was momentarily stunned.
Colby pulled on my arms, causing a sharp pain to hit me so hard, I gasped and nearly choked.
Before I could recover from the pain in both of my shoulders, he spun me around, threw me down on the table, pin
ned my arms over my head—and took something that wasn’t his to take.
I cried so hard, I was sure someone, anyone, would be able to hear me.
He leaned down, placed his mouth against my ear and whispered, “Does he fuck you as good as I do?”
I tried with all my might to get away, but the harder I fought, the more pain he caused.
My eyes closed, and I drifted to another place. A large field with rows and rows of lavender. And there were beehives, one after the other, all placed in neat lines between the lavender. When I squeezed my eyes tight enough, I escaped the hell I was currently in, listening to the swarm of bees instead of the chaos all around me.
Then, almost as quickly as it had started, he was off of me. I couldn’t move, only gasping for air when he pulled the scarf out of my mouth.
“Don’t worry. I pulled out.”
I snapped my eyes open and saw the ceiling of the study room. It took me a moment to get myself together before I scrambled off the table and backed into a corner, as far away from Colby as I could get, gulping for air.
When I could manage to speak, I looked at him. “How could you do that to me?” I asked between sobs.
He laughed. “Please. You wanted it, Arabella. The way you smile at me all the time and talk to me. It was obvious you wanted me as much as I wanted you.”
My eyes went wide with shock. “I didn’t want you, and I never acted as if I did! I didn’t want to be raped!”
He stilled. “Raped? I didn’t rape you.”
“You held me against my will! You shoved a scarf in my mouth to keep me from crying for help. I tried to get you to stop. How is that not rape?” I shouted.
A new darkness crept into his eyes, and he walked toward me. I frantically looked around for anything to defend myself but found nothing. Colby stood close, his breaths coming in hot pants that hit my face.
“If you don’t want a man to notice you, don’t act like a whore and flirt with him. I figured you’d like it rough, that’s the only reason I used the scarf and held your hands. I saw it on your face, Arabella. You liked me fucking you.”
I shook my head as tears rolled down my cheeks. “No. No! You’re delusional if you think I liked or wanted that. I’m going to report this!”
He tilted his head and looked at me. “I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, Arabella, but my dad is a big shot in Washington. He was in the Marines for a very long time. If I tell him I have a bit of a…problem…with a girl from school, well…he won’t think twice about helping me eliminate the problem. He’s done it before.”
My heart dropped as I thought about how many other women he must have done this to. “Are you threatening me?”
He shrugged, took a step back, and smiled. “I’m just saying, I would hate to see your life ruined—or your boyfriend’s. Accidents happen so often to people.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He was threatening me and Hunter.
“So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your mouth shut. And your boyfriend will never know you cheated on him.”
“I didn’t cheat on him!” I shouted.
He laughed. “Tell yourself what you need to. I gotta go, Arabella. Thanks for the good time.”
Turning, he reached for his backpack, then looked back at me. “What would your boyfriend say if he could see you now, princess?”
My hand covered my mouth to keep from screaming at him as he opened the door to the study room, and walked out.
My legs finally gave out. I slid to the floor and cried harder as I fought to keep from getting sick.
Not even a minute later, a girl ran into the study room, rushed to my side, and grabbed my hands. “Did he hurt you?”
All I could do was nod.
“What did he do to you?”
Tears came so fast and quick, I could hardly see the girl in front of me. “He…he raped me.”
I wiped at the tears on my cheeks and met Aiden’s eyes. They were filled with anger, but he also looked pale, as if he might be sick. It was only the second time I had ever told anyone that story. Abby was the first.
Clearing his throat, he asked quietly, “Did you report the rape?”
All those feelings came rushing back again, and I slowly shook my head. “I was too ashamed. The girl…her name was Lori Dexter. She helped me back to my place and begged me to file a report, to go to the hospital, but all I wanted to do was get his scent off of me. I wanted to crawl into bed and pray that it was just a nightmare. I kept hearing his voice saying I’d asked for it. I replayed every moment I’d ever had with him. Had I flirted? Given him any indication I wanted something more? I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”
Aiden reached for my hand. “No. No woman deserves to have a man force himself on her. If you say no, it means no. He raped you, Arabella.”
I looked down at my hands in his. “Lori told me if didn’t report it, he would just do it to another woman. But I was terrified! I didn’t know what he meant when he said he’d have his dad take care of me, or that Hunter might have an accident. And I couldn’t stop thinking about Hunter. Would they actually hurt him? I was so scared and confused. I just wanted to forget.”
Aiden nodded, his eyes filled with compassion and understanding.
“But I can’t. I haven’t ever been able to forget it. The next day, I was walking to class and I saw Colby. I turned and ran right back to my dorm. I withdrew from my classes and moved back home immediately. I was going to tell Hunter what happened, but all I kept thinking about was how…tainted I was. Another man had been inside of me, with no protection at all. I was scared to death I would end up being pregnant. I couldn’t stand the thought of Hunter being disgusted by me.”
Aiden shook his head. “Arabella, he wouldn’t have been. He won’t be. You have to tell him.”
I sighed. “I know. I know I do. It’s why I came to talk to you. I want to move on with my life and stop hiding. I want a future with Hunter. I just don’t…I don’t know how to open myself up and tell him. I’m so afraid that when he finds out, he’ll hate me. That he’ll think I flirted with the guy or something.”
“He won’t. I’m telling you right now. You did nothing wrong, Arabella. You did not deserve what that monster did to you. Do you understand? Look at me.”
My eyes met his.
“You did not do anything wrong.”
I buried my face in my hands and cried. Aiden stood, gently lifted me up, and held me.
“Shhh, it’s all going to be okay. I promise you, Arabella. It’s going to be okay.”
After I finally cried until I had no tears left, Aiden asked if he could bring in one of his therapists. Her name was Christina Nash.
Christina and I sat for another hour and talked, with Aiden staying in the room at my request. I was already amazed by how much the burden I’d been carrying had lifted off of my shoulders the moment I’d told Aiden. Telling Christina lifted it even more. Being able to talk to someone about how I’d felt at the time—as well as now, nearly ten years later—was incredibly healing. I’d known I needed to speak with someone. To get it out and not hold it in like I had been doing, but I just had to work up the nerve to do so.
“Do your parents know?” Aiden asked.
I shook my head. “No. They’ve tried countless times to talk to me, but I’ve always shut them out.”
Christina and Aiden exchanged a look before she asked, “Did you tell anyone other than Lori and Aiden?”
Nodding, I said, “I told Abby. I made her swear to me she wouldn’t tell anyone, not even Bishop. I just…I needed to tell someone.”
Christina reached for my hand. “I’m glad you finally sought out someone to talk to, Arabella. Keeping things like this inside makes it harder to heal.”
“Yes, I know. I’ve been in a sort of hell for so long, I wasn’t even sure I could live a normal life any longer.”
“You can, and you will. Just hearing from someone else that this wasn’t your fault is a step
toward healing. I know Lori and Abby told you that, but at the time it was all so new. We’re going to be here for you now, too.”
I looked at Aiden. “I need to tell Hunter, but I’m so afraid of what he’ll do, not to me, of course. I know Hunter would never hurt me.”
Aiden cleared his throat and looked at Christina, who gave him a quick nod.
“Arabella, I’m speaking to you as one of Hunter’s best friends. When you tell him, you need to have someone there with you.”
Christina nodded in agreement.
“Like Abby?” I asked.
Aiden shook his head. “No, like me or Kyle or Bishop…or all three of us.”
“It might also be nice to have Abby there with you,” Christina added with a soft smile.
“Why do you want me to have you guys there?” I asked.
Aiden rubbed at the back of his neck as he exhaled. “The only way I can explain this is to use Willa as an example. If Willa came to me and told me she’d been raped, no matter how long ago it had been, the rage I’d feel would be…extremely strong. A part of me is going to guess that somewhere deep inside, Hunter knows you were raped, or at least that something very bad happened to you. That’s going to make him upset, knowing he thought it but never acted on that thought. Or that he couldn’t have prevented it.”
A sick feeling hit me so hard, I covered my mouth with my hand.
“Let me add, I wouldn’t be upset or angry at Willa,” Aiden quickly explained. “But I would want to kill the man who touched her—and I promise you, Arabella, that will be exactly how Hunter feels.”
Christina spoke next. “He’s also going to experience his own grief and guilt for what happened to you.”
“What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.
“I agree with Aiden. It has likely crossed Hunter’s mind that you may have been raped, even though he probably won’t allow himself to go there. No one wants to think that someone they love has been violated in that way. Hunter is going to go through his own phases. Anger, sadness, guilt. He’s going to question how he didn’t know or couldn’t tell that you’d been raped.”
“I pushed him away for all those years, so he wouldn’t be able to tell.”
Christina nodded. “I would also hazard a guess that at some point over the last ten years, most likely right when you broke up with him, he may have thought you cheated on him and you simply felt too guilty to admit it.”
Surrender to Me (Boggy Creek Valley Book 4) Page 9