Clinging to Rapture

by Megan D. Martin

  His voice resonated in my ears as I came down from the blistering high. I let go of his hair and leaned back against the wall. His dark gaze met mine. Realization of what I had just done slammed into me. I let go of his cock as if it had burned me, and jerked away from him. I stumbled out of his grasp. Sweat dripped down my back. My skirt was pushed up to my waist and I fumbled with the short sequined fabric, pushing in back down over my hips. I wasn’t going to look back. I was just going to leave him there and be finished, but I couldn’t. I had to turn around one last time.

  His hair was disheveled from my fingers, his hand dripped blood onto the concrete, his lips smudged with my lipstick. His cock pressed hard against his zipper, long and thick.

  “Remember, Julia. No one else will ever be able to give you that,” he said the words so quietly I almost didn’t hear them.

  “I’m already starting to forget.” I turned my back on him.

  But that was a lie. I would never forget. No matter how much I wanted to.

  THREE.

  One year and eleven months ago

  I told myself I would stay away from her, but I couldn’t. It was impossible.

  I’d left that ritzy sex party where I’d watched Julia Colette fuck Victor Marlin with determination in my veins. I was going to have her. It was that simple. But once I slept on it, things changed. I woke up the next morning feeling like someone had ripped me open and run over my insides. In the matter of a few hours I had changed my life completely. I’d dumped the woman I’d been with for over ten years. A woman, no matter how big of a bitch she had become, who had stood beside me at the lowest time in my life. I’d also set my sights on a stripper who performed live sex shows and laughed in my face when I offered her the world.

  Yes, I’d officially lost it. But I wasn’t upset about pushing Elaine out of my life. My sick feeling had nothing to do with her. If anything, the end of our relationship was the only thing that helped me get out of bed that day. I’d been wanting to do that for years, but just hadn’t had the heart. Me, heart? I would have laughed if laughing was something I did. I didn’t have a heart. No, that had died right along with my sister Sandy nine years ago.

  My relationship with Elaine was simple and I just hadn’t cared enough to end it. I didn’t want to deal with the backlash that was certain to come my way, the lawsuits she would file, because that’s how she was. She wouldn’t just let me walk out of her life, not without a million dollar settlement.

  The sick feeling came from the knowledge of who I wanted. I had my men start following her that very night. One of them began digging into her life, collecting information about her background, her family, her childhood, her favorite food, her time of the month. I wanted to know everything. The next morning I almost called them off.

  What do I want with some low class stripper?

  I got on my private jet and flew back to New York with Elaine nagging in my ear the entire way. I gave her money and told her to stay the fuck out of my life. I tried to make myself think of anything but Julia, but it didn’t work. I didn’t call my men off.

  And now I was here again. I leaned back against the black bullet-proof limo that escorted me to Rapture. It was the last Saturday of the month, which meant Rapture would be putting on their Rapture X show. Turned out the first live show I witnessed was a hit and now they did them monthly. Julia was the centerpiece. The woman who got fucked.

  I clenched my fists at my sides.

  “You okay?”

  I glanced over at Randy. He had worked for me for years. He was one of the very few I trusted implicitly with my life. One of my it men at my beck and call whenever I needed something done. For the past month that something had been Julia. “Fine. Just fine.” I tucked my hands in the pockets of my suit.

  I shouldn’t be here. But nothing in the world could make me leave. The anticipation of seeing her again burned my veins and scratched at the inside of my skin, desperate. The pictures Randy snapped of her over the last month had become the highlight of my life. It was sick, I knew that. But seeing her walking down the street, her blue hair tied on top of her head, made me long for something. What it was, I didn’t know.

  Pictures of her at the pet store, talking on her cell-phone, smiling at whatever the person on the other line said, made me want that. Her perfect lips turned up in a smile for me because I made her happy. It was foolish, nuts. I knew that, but it didn’t change anything. I stayed away. I deleted her pictures in those moments where I was the strong vicious man I’d become, but then I would break and have Randy send them again. I needed to look at her.

  I was dying of a disease and she was the cure that lay just out of my reach.

  “I need to ask ya something,” Randy said just as a silver Honda Civic darted into the parking garage and parked thirty yards away.

  Her car. My heart-rate picked up. I’ll finally see her again. I vaguely heard Randy’s voice as he spoke, but his words didn’t register, not as she climbed out of the car wearing tiny blue jean shorts and a shirt that barely covered her breasts. Her aqua hair curled down her back and around the colorful tattoos on her shoulder. My cock hardened.

  She opened the back door and bent over, digging around for something in the back seat. Her thick, tan ass hung out of the shorts and jiggled as she moved. I dug my fingers into my palms and fought the urge to moan.

  What the fuck is wrong with me?

  I didn’t have an answer for that question.

  My mind flashed to coming up behind her and ripping those tiny shorts down. I remembered her pussy from the last time, the lips so tan, but her clit so pink and wet. I bit down on my tongue. I would taste her first. Yes! I needed that pretty little cunt in my mouth. I wanted to devour her while she was bent over just like she was now with her back arched and her thighs flexed.

  I should go talk to her. Yeah, right now.

  I took a step forward, but a hand on my chest stopped me.

  “Where the fuck are ya going, man?” Randy asked.

  “To talk to her.” My mouth was suddenly dry.

  “To talk to her…like this?”

  A car door slammed and I jerked my gaze back to Julia. She was walking away from us toward the sliding glass doors that led into the basement lobby of Rapture. Her hips swayed back and forth. A purse was looped around her body and in one hand she carried a dress bag.

  “Yes.” I took another step forward, mesmerized by her hourglass figure and jiggling ass.

  “I don’t think ya should.”

  I snapped my head around to glare at Randy. He was a big motherfucker, with meat-head muscles underneath his black skin. Even though I considered him to be one of my it men, it didn’t mean I put up with shit from him. “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “It means ya don’t go chasing a chick who turned ya down, with a boner and a psychotic glint in ya eye.”

  Annoyance and shame fought inside me as I turned away and adjusted my cock.

  “I mean, if ya wanna go back to the big house, then that’s fine, but I ain’t gonna be there to save ya ass this time.”

  I couldn’t help the smile that broke across my face. “Wait, who saved whose ass? I distinctly remember breaking a few noses for you.”

  “Hey motherfucker, I had the flu! Them bitches waited until I felt like shit to come at me like that and I was napping too!”

  Thoughts of the time I spent in prison should have sobered me, pulled me back into the real world, but they didn’t. All I could do was try to keep my thoughts off the blue-haired woman who’d just disappeared from my sight.

  “You’ve got it bad.”

  I glanced at Randy, realizing I’d been staring at the place where Julia had just been standing. “No.” I shook my head, unable to come up with anything better.

  “My ass has been playin’ secret agent for ya. Creeping around snapping pictures through windows in the middle of the night.” He ran a hand over his bald head and laughed. “I think ya really lost it this time.”

/>   I didn’t share in his laughter. Instead I looked back to the empty parking garage and imagined her there again. In less than an hour I would watch her fuck Victor. A sense of anger and possessiveness engulfed me. And I feared Randy was right.

  How far am I willing to go?

  FOUR.

  Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

  I shook my head slowly, confusion swimming through my groggy mind. What is that sound? I rolled over onto my stomach and blinked.

  Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

  “Urgh.” I frowned at my phone. Get ready for work! was written across the screen. Stupid alarm. I hit snooze and closed my eyes before the time registered. “Get ready for work?” I blinked and jerked the phone back into my vision. “It’s already two-thirty?” I had to be at work by four. “Fuck.” I stumbled out of bed. I didn’t even make it the bathroom, which in my small apartment was only feet away from the bed, before my head started pounding.

  How did I even get home?

  Memories of the night before came rushing back and I had to lean against the door frame for support. Finding out Cole was getting married, seeing him at Ecstasy, the things he said, the orgasm… It all poured over me like thick sludge, making me want to crawl back into bed for days. I’d gotten to my car the night before, realized I was too drunk to drive home, and decided I would just sleep in there. That’s when Randy, the former elevator operator at my old apartment building, had tapped on my window, insisting he give me a ride home. I’d liked Randy previously; until I found out he was working for Cole and had been watching me all this time.

  I’d wanted to refuse, but I didn’t. I had been too tired and intoxicated to care. I sat in the back of a limo alone. My memory was a little hazy in my pounding head, but I was certain I cried all the way home. I blubbered like a fucking baby.

  I ran a hand down my clammy face and let out a pent-up breath. “Way to be strong and go out with a bang, Julia. I’m sure Randy has already reported your tears to him and he and Elaine are dying of laughter over it.” The words were bitter coming out of my mouth, tasting like burnt alcohol, or maybe that was just my tongue.

  Even though I didn’t want to, I got ready for work, headache and all. I wasn’t the same girl from four months ago who only worked weekends and had all the time in the world to spare. Now I lived paycheck to paycheck.

  Now you have extra money though, since Cole paid for Gran’s in-home nursing care for the rest of the year. Anger ripped through me as I spit toothpaste back into the sink.

  “How dare he! How fucking dare he!” I slammed my toothbrush down and stared at my hung-over reflection. I looked like hell. I’d already put on my red, wrinkled, work shirt. My hair, even though I’d tried to fix it, still looked like a mess tied up in a bun on my head. I’d already wiped the smudged makeup off my face from last night, but I looked pale.

  I should put on some makeup. I eyed my reflection a little longer. Nah, fuck it.

  I shut off the light and went out into my tiny living room that doubled as a kitchen. There were only three things sitting on top of my cheap particleboard counter. One was my orange tabby cat, Weasley, snoozing away like he owned the place. Another was a magazine. I cringed at the image of Cole’s face on the cover so close to mine. I’d meant to throw it away months ago. Really I did. I’d come across it in a grocery store less than a week after I’d walked out on Cole. The headline, in bold yellow letters said, Billionaire Obsidian Spirits Owner Performs Live Sex Show!

  I shouldn’t have been surprised; I should’ve assumed since he was in the public eye that some tabloid would do a story rife with pictures of us having sex. But I hadn’t really connected the dots until I saw the magazine myself. Luckily most of the pictures were zoomed in to show Cole, excluding my face. I didn’t have to worry about anyone recognizing me.

  I had immediately bought the magazine. One would think I’d buy the whole rack to hide the evidence of my past life, to erase mine and Cole’s time together, but I didn’t. I had purchased one and not because I wanted to erase the past, but because I wanted desperately to cling to the memories.

  So pathetic. Now he doesn’t even want you.

  I jerked my gaze away from Cole’s handsome face, which showed a vicious look amidst the passion we shared. Something hot snaked down my body and coated my panties with damp arousal. I’m a sick person.

  My gaze latched onto the third and final item on my counter. A letter. One I had kept for weeks before finally breaking down and opening it. The familiar scrawl of my ex-boyfriend Kevin was clear on the outside of the envelope. The man who had ruined my younger life. He’d left the letter at my gran’s house and she’d given it to me when Cole and I visited only two days before he revealed his big secret that changed everything.

  I traced my finger over the simple white envelope before pulling the paper from inside. A thrill traced through me. Not the same as when I thought about Cole, but something else. Something darker. It was a mix of hatred and maybe even love, since those emotions seemed to be a dangerous double-sided coin. I should have thrown the letter away and never read it, but I was curious and perhaps that was my biggest flaw.

  I unfolded the paper and stared at the words again for what had to be the hundredth time:

  I miss you.

  A sick feeling gripped my gut and I pushed the letter back into the envelope. Kevin had hurt me more than anyone…well almost, though it was different from the pain currently eating away at me. In light of everything that happened with Cole, memories of my life with Kevin seemed like nothing now. Maybe that was because the hurt was so far removed and what happened with Cole was fresh.

  I hadn’t heard from Kevin in over a year and a half aside from the letter. I assumed he had finally given up, though I couldn’t fathom why he had chased after me in the first place. He had hurt me repeatedly, and I had hurt him back when I slept with his best friend. That’s when he really lost it. Everything imploded, ruining my life; Kevin helped destroy me, and so did my dad. The two men who were supposed to love me. My dad turned his back on me when I needed him and Kevin decided I was his and he would have me, whether I wanted him or not.

  It was sick, twisted. I was just a pawn in everyone’s game, made for them to play and wreck as much as they liked.

  I turned away from the counter, away from the things that reminded me of the men who had stumbled into my life and tried to own me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I’m going to be okay. I popped my eyes open and glanced around my tiny apartment.

  No one will ever own me. Never again.

  “So did you go home with that bartender last night? He was fuckin’ hot!” Mandi stood in front of me, sliding the new scratch-offs into their protective cases.

  I sighed and stared at the back of her head. Her black hair was down, stopping just at her shoulders. I wasn’t up for answering questions about the night before. My feelings were way too fragile, though I couldn’t deny that I was happy she was here and I wasn’t going to have to work another night-shift alone.

  When I arrived at work a few hours ago, I was surprised to find her there. Mandi knew the owner, and had advised him it wasn’t safe to have only one employee working nightshift; she volunteered to work with me. I found it oddly touching. I couldn’t explain it, and didn’t understand why she would want to work a Saturday night when she didn’t have to, but I appreciated it more than she would ever know.

  “Julia, did you?”

  “Huh?” I jerked my head up to meet her prying violet gaze. The purple contacts gave her an eerie look with her dark hair and violent-looking tattoos.

  “Did you go home with that bartender last night?” she repeated.

  “Oh no, I didn’t.” I leaned back against the counter.

  “Why not? He was hot and you were totally digging it. I could tell.”

  I shrugged again.

  “Come on, Julia. What is it that you aren’t telling me?”

  Her question took me by surprise. I frowned. “What
do you mean?”

  She smiled, the diamonds over her teeth sparkling. “I’ve been trying to figure you out since you started working here a few months ago…and I just can’t do it.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Most chicks are transparent. Especially girls who work in gas stations in Texas. And usually they’re missing something…like teeth.”

  I giggled at the sad truth of that statement.

  “But you aren’t like that, and I can’t figure out why you’re here.”

  I frowned. “I needed a job just like anybody else, just like you. It’s that simple.”

  “I don’t think that’s all it is. It took me two months to get you to come hang out at the club with me and my friends. And since then you’ve been like a closed book. Usually people share about their life when they’ve been drinking, or hanging out, especially when they work long hours with someone. I know I do, but not you.”

  I considered her words. I did know quite a bit about Mandi, not that I’d ever pointedly asked her anything, but just from passing, I knew she was twenty-eight, divorced twice, and lived in some shitty apartment a few miles away from mine. She was vegan, hated cats, and liked men who treated her like shit. Her and I both, apparently.

  “I guess you’re right. There isn’t much to tell, that’s why I haven’t shared.”