Clinging to Rapture

by Megan D. Martin

  Just as Mandi opened her mouth to reply the bell dinged signaling we had a customer. It was nearly midnight and I had become desensitized to the sound of the bell. The first three hours of the shift, I’d jumped every time, whirling around in fear and excitement that the customer would be Cole. He hadn’t shown and I didn’t expect him to. The more I thought about it, the more last night felt like a real goodbye. It was really over; whatever twisted relationship we’d wound up in had finally ended. And I couldn’t help but be pissed off about it. That’s not his place to say, it’s mine. I choose when it’s over.

  “Is that going to be all for you today?” Mandi’s voice invaded my thoughts and I glanced over at her and the customer.

  The familiar visage that met my gaze made all the blood drain from my face. My heart-rate accelerated as a thrill of fear attacked every nerve in my body. A lop-sided grin spread across angular cheeks with dark brown eyes. Eyes I knew so well. He stared at me, not looking at Mandi at all, as if she wasn’t even there. He had a way of doing that, a way of making the world disappear until he was the only thing I could see.

  “Kevin,” I whispered.

  He leaned up against the counter, his button-up shirt stained and open at the collar revealing a thatch of dark hair. He wore an old baseball cap on top of his short curly hair. It was faded, with some motor oil brand on the worn fabric. Laberge.

  I bought that for him. I covered my mouth with one hand, unable to do anything but stare.

  “Well, hey, Julia. Fancy seeing you here.” The slight twang of a country accent danced in his words. When times were good, before everything went to shit, I had craved hearing that voice.

  I nodded my head, absently, unsure of what to say.

  “I’ve tried calling you, but the number I have is no good.”

  Yeah, I changed it because of you. The thought woke me up from my stupor and true panic set in. I dropped my hand away from my face. “Why are you here?”

  He stiffened slightly. “To get gas and some chips. Just got off from a sixteen-hour shift on the rig. You remember when I used to work those.” The lazy grin remained on his face.

  “How could I forget?” I also remembered when he would lie about working late and have sex with other women.

  His gaze narrowed and he opened his mouth to say something else, but Mandi interrupted him. “So that’s all for you then? Anything else?” I’d completely forgotten she was there standing at the register between Kevin and I.

  He glanced at her, the smile disappearing to reveal the monster behind the handsome country boy mask. “Can’t you see I’m talking here?” The threat in his voice was so familiar to me that I cringed.

  No! I forced myself to straighten up before anyone noticed my reaction. I won’t let anybody own me, not again. Never. Never. Never!

  “Kevin,” I started, but Mandi interrupted me.

  “Listen here, mother fucker.” She reached behind her back and jerked a gun out from under her shirt. “It’s time for you to go.”

  I gasped as Mandi leveled the gun with Kevin’s head.

  He took a single step back and lifted his hands in the air. “Now there’s no need for that.”

  “I say there is. Set your money for the gas and chips on the counter. Julia will check you out and you can be on your way. If not, then I will be happy to call the cops, and if that doesn’t scare you, then I will gladly blow your brains out.”

  I blinked in shock. What the hell is going on here?

  The revulsion in Kevin’s eyes only seemed to multiply as he jerked his wallet out the back pocket of his wranglers. “Oh yeah, and what would you tell them I did? I’m just an innocent in here buying gas.” He raised his eyebrows mockingly.

  “You’d be surprised at how good of a liar I can be.” Mandi smirked, her hands steady on the gun.

  I stepped up, careful to avoid Mandi’s weapon. I punched a couple buttons on the register, my fingers trembling.

  Kevin tossed some cash on the counter. “Just keep the change. Looks like you need it anyway.” His cruel gaze swept up and down my body.

  I opened my mouth. I wanted to say something. There were so many things I needed to say to him. He backed toward the door, his worn cowboy boots scuffing quietly against the tile. He kept his eyes on Mandi until he reached the door.

  When his gaze landed on me he didn’t say anything, but the look he gave me was enough. I snapped my teeth together, making a horrible rattling sound in my head. I wouldn’t say a damn thing. I knew that look. It was a look that promised pain. It promised suffering and more than anything, it promised he would be back.

  And Kevin never broke his promises.

  FIVE.

  “What the fuck was that?” I whirled around on Mandi once Kevin’s truck left the parking lot.

  “What was what?” She didn’t look at me, but was busy tucking the gun into the back of her pants.

  “You pulled a gun out of your ass…what the fuck is up with that?”

  She glanced up at me and rolled her eyes. “I think you’re the one who better start answering questions, missy.” She put her hands on her thin hips. “Who was that guy?”

  “Just an ex.”

  “Uh huh. Seemed like more than an ex. More like a serial killer. See, I knew there was more to you.”

  I huffed. “That doesn’t explain why you pulled a gun on him. He didn’t even really do anything threatening.” And that was the complete and utter truth. I had been in situations with Kevin where he was physically abusing me, yanking my hair, knocking me around in public, and people simply turned a deaf ear on the events. Kevin had barely even looked at me and she was pulling out a weapon on him. “Wait a minute.” I put my hand on her shoulder. She glanced at me.

  “What?”

  “You work for him, don’t you?” I took a step back and covered my mouth with my hand as realization sunk in.

  “For him? Who are you talking about?”

  “You work for Cole!” I pointed a finger at her and didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh or cry about the whole thing.

  Bewilderment crossed her violet eyes. “No…” She shook her head. “I work for Richard Bartto, the owner of this shithole gas station, just like you do.”

  I eyed her, not convinced. “Then why are you carrying a gun? Why would you pull it on some guy just because he made an asshole comment?” That didn’t make any sense. A person didn’t just jerk a gun out of their ass crack for no reason, especially not at a job like this where they depended on the crappy income. But people who worked for psycho billionaires didn’t care. People who worked for Cole did what they were told, no matter how crazy it was. I had learned that the hard way.

  “Julia, chill out, okay?” I realized just after she spoke that I was panting. I glanced down at my hands to find them clutched together and shaking. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” She walked over and enveloped me in a hug. The gesture was so unexpected that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I hadn’t had a hug in a long time. Shit, when was the last time someone hugged me? I couldn’t say. Cole and I hadn’t hugged…and people before that? Well, I just couldn’t remember. “I carry a gun with me because about two years ago somebody pulled one on me and robbed this place. Now I always come prepared.” Mandi tried to lean back, but I wrapped my arms around her, not ready for the hug to end.

  It was pathetic really, but I couldn’t handle it. I knew if she let me go then I would lose something special about that moment. I wanted to cling to it forever. Not because there was any sort of sexual attraction, but because there wasn’t. Mandi had just pulled a gun on Kevin, the guy who fucked my life up, and she did it with no questions asked.

  What does this mean? I stared up at the plastic beer advertisement hanging from the ceiling and then it hit me. She’s my friend.

  The word rolled around in my head and it felt good. It had been such a long time since I’d had a friend, especially a female one.

  My face heated and felt strange for a moment before I
realized I was crying. Hot, fat tears rolled down my cheeks. I sucked in a breath of air.

  “Hey, what’s the matter? Don’t cry.” Mandi leaned back, breaking the hug, which only made my tears come faster. She gently patted my shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I nearly told her no like the night before. Why would I want to burden her with my ridiculous problems that would only bore her? But I ignored my head for once. “I started dating Kevin right after high school—”

  “Wait, hold that thought.” Mandi scampered off toward the front. She turned the lock and flipped the sign to closed.

  “What are you doing?” I rubbed my hand against my face.

  “I can’t fully listen to your story if we keep getting bothered by customers, duh.” She grinned brightly and hopped up on the counter.

  “But people will still be able to see us.” I motioned to the floor to ceiling windows.

  She grabbed a pack of gum out of a box by the register and tore it open. “Fuck ‘em.” She popped a piece in her mouth. “Now you were saying?”

  I opened my mouth and tried to think of where to begin. I didn’t even know what to say now. The dilemma and realization from moments before seemed pointless.

  “Oh, no, you don’t get to do that and shut me out. You need to talk about this. I can tell.”

  I eyed her warily. “I loved him. So much. But then he hurt me…and yeah.”

  “That can’t be all of it.”

  I shrugged. “Things were good at first for us. I was happy, but he was always a little controlling and jealous. If I didn’t do what he wanted he would get mad.” My mind flashed to that first time he’d really gotten angry with me. We were at the grocery store, walking out to his truck after picking up a couple of things. He’d acted strange the whole time we were inside, avoiding my gaze, not responding when I asked him something, and angrily shoving things into our basket. We’d only been together a little over five months and I’d never seen him act like this.

  “What’s the matter?” I finally asked him out in the parking lot when I couldn’t take the tension anymore. The sky was dark, lit with only a few overhead lights.

  “What the fuck do you think is wrong?” He turned and looked at me for the first time, his brown eyes hard and cold. I flinched and took a step back.

  “I-I-I don’t—”

  “Oh, you don’t know?” He shook his head and kicked the cart, sending it slamming into the side of his truck. “You don’t fucking know?” He stepped toward me, backing me against the truck.

  “Kevin wh-wh—”

  “Oh, shut the hell up, you slut.” His open palm connected with the side of my head sending the pain of a thousand needles into my skin. I gasped for air as realization of what he’d done slammed into me. No one had ever hit me before. Never. My dad, while he was an asshole, wasn’t abusive.

  “But, I didn’t—”

  “Did you fuck him? Did you?” he yelled. I cowered against the side of the truck, his hard body pressing against me.

  “Wh-who?” I choked out between heavy sobs.

  “That douche bag back there in the store!”

  The image of Doug popped into my head, a guy I’d known in high school who had said hello in the frozen foods aisle. “What? No!” I shuddered as sobs wracked my body. I focused my eyes on the top of my shoe.

  “Look at me!” I jerked my head up and met his angry gaze. “You’re a fucking slut.”

  “N—”

  “Shhh.” He leaned in, rubbing his hand against the cheek he’d hit. He kissed the tip of my nose. “But you’re mine now. My slut. I’ve made you better. You’re better for being with me,” he whispered.

  I stared up into those brown eyes, the eyes I’d come to love, so dark and handsome. The way he looked at me, so angry, so possessively. It made me start to forget he’d hit me only seconds before, that he’d called me a slut. It made me want his approval, his love. He made me better and I owed him for that.

  “Julia?”

  The sound of Mandi’s voice jerked me back to the present. My hands were still trembling, my head cowed.

  Is this real? Am I really doing this? Cowering from him again and he’s not even here. I’d made so much progress after I’d eventually left. I had changed my life. Turned myself around. Instead of being broken, I had become stronger, better, more independent. I didn’t put up with people’s shit. I made a living for myself. I took care of business. But now I was back to cowering from a man who did nothing but tear my life into shreds.

  “I want to tell you the story of what happened, the whole story.” I heard myself saying to Mandi. It almost didn’t seem real. Do I really want to do this? I’d never told anyone before. No one knew how bad it had gotten. Yes. I need to tell her.

  “It all started when I was eighteen…”

  SIX.

  It had been two weeks since I’d told Mandi about what happened with me and Kevin. Two weeks ago I poured out my heart and told the truth about the things he did to me that ruined my life, starting from the incident in the parking lot but not ending with the cheating and the horrible aftermath. The words came sputtering from my mouth of their own accord. I didn’t stop until I’d told her everything about Cole too.

  I cried again when I talked about Cole. It was ridiculous that I was so emotional about him; as pathetic as that made me, I couldn’t help it.

  Once I was done, Mandi hugged me again and told me I was a strong woman for making it through all of that in one piece. I didn’t feel strong, but her saying so made me believe it was possible.

  I’d seen her almost every day since then. We’d go to lunch, to bars, she even slept over a couple of times. I hadn’t had a sleepover with a friend since I was a little girl. It was the most refreshing thing in the world. I could get over these things. I could move on from the men who had hurt me. I will be okay. I told myself those words every morning when I looked in the mirror. I was better than all of the horrible things that had happened to me.

  I couldn’t feel the prying eyes of Cole’s men anymore. They were gone. I knew it. I could feel it in my bones that he was officially gone from my life, and there had been no other appearances from Kevin.

  Maybe him showing up at work really was just a coincidence.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rick.” I smiled at the morning shift guy who’d come into relieve me. Mandi had left early tonight on account of a stomach virus and I’d worked the last two hours by myself. The time was uneventful. I’d had only one or two customers and they hadn’t even come into the store, just got gas and paid at the pump.

  “Yeah, have a good one, Julia.”

  I shouldered my purse, and made my way out the back door to my car. The warm summer air pressed against my skin. I frowned at how dark the lot was as I glanced up at the burned out overhead light. Stupid cheap asses. I had no doubt it would be burned out for a month before the owner had it changed.

  I sighed. I was surprisingly tired. I’d gotten more sleep in the last two weeks than in the last four months combined. It didn’t make sense really. I should have been able to sleep better knowing I had someone to look out for me, knowing Cole still cared, but that wasn’t the case at all. I felt free now. I couldn’t describe it, maybe it was because I was finally back in control of my own life. A wave of sadness washed over me.

  Stop, Julia. Just let it go. If I didn’t think about Cole, it didn’t hurt so bad, but then he would worm his way into my thoughts. Bringing up questions like, what if?

  I clicked the button on my key fob and the lights flickered on the back of my car. I’ll go home, watch Netflix, and snuggle up with Weasley. I smiled to myself. My fat cat was the only man I needed in my life.

  “Don’t move,” a male voice said from behind me just as a big body pressed into the back of mine. I flinched and jerked forward, but a big hand dug into my hair and jerked my head backward just as another came around my neck. Something cold pressed against my throat. I froze in place. Terror rushed across
my skin, prickling painfully.

  “Wh—”

  “Don’t fucking talk, you little cunt.”

  I didn’t recognize the voice and I wasn’t about to listen to it. “What do you want from me?” I meant to sound strong, but my voice came out barely above a whisper.

  “Did you not fucking hear me?” He jerked my hair, forcing my head to arch back. Terrible pain radiated from my neck as the cold object dug into my skin.

  I moaned and tried frantically to jerk out of his hold and away from the pain.

  “Fuck, stop moving!” He groaned and covered my mouth with the hand that had been at my neck. Metal pressed against my lips along with a warm liquid. My blood. Panic seized my heart as realization clicked into place. This person is going to kill me.

  Kevin’s face popped into my mind. I’d felt this way only one other time in my life when Kevin was coming after me with a murderous glint in his eyes. The event that ended our relationship for good. And suddenly I was back there, in his crappy old apartment with beer bottles scattered over the floor, some broken, some not.

  I remembered the way he pushed me; I stumbled backward and fell to the ground.

  “You thought you could just fuck Lane and get away with it? You thought you were gonna fucking punish me?” he yelled, staring down at me as he squeezed his fists at his sides. They were bloody already. His own blood. He’d punched the wall in the bedroom, the little side table next to the bed, the bathroom counter. He punched them all over and over. I knew why he did it. He didn’t want to hit me. He didn’t want to have to hurt me, but he would. I knew better than anyone that he would; punching other things wasn’t a good enough substitute for my pliant flesh.

  Fear wormed its way through my stomach. He would hit me a few times and then things would be fine. He’d be sorry and I’d be okay, just like always. I never imagined I would be at the hands of an abuser. I wanted Kevin, even though he hurt me by sleeping with other women, even though he hit me more than he kissed me. I craved him like some sort of sick drug.