My Forever (The Next Door Boys)

by Jolene B Perry

  She backs up a step. “It’s not that we can’t, it’s just that—”

  I shake my head and look down the hallway, tears are suddenly threatening. I don’t want to cry. Not now. Not at school. And not over friends who don’t want to be my friends.

  My breath hitches. Michael is watching me. When our eyes catch, he looks away. He’s staring? At me? That gives me the same kind of nervous tingling that started my pregnancy. Maybe talking to him isn’t such a good idea.

  Oh, wait. I’m mad at Jill. I glare and wave my hand so she’ll shut up. I keep walking. My palms press on the outsides of my eyes to keep the moisture in. Oh yeah, this is going to be fun. I look around for Michael again, but he’s gone.

  ~ ~ ~

  I spend the next week avoiding everyone. I go to school early, throw up in the nurse’s bathroom, and head to class. When I don’t want to be part of the world, I pull out my camera. No one questions, everyone knows me as the girl with the camera anyway. I get a few concerned looks from kids that I know a little , but no one bothers me. I must be doing a good job of looking like I shouldn’t be bothered. Living in a house with eight kids has given me some practice with that.

  On Wednesday, a girl named April in my AP English class sits next to me. She usually sits up front. I glance over at her a few times while I read. We’re reading Jane Eyre. I love it, as every plain girl should.

  She glances around her book at me. “You okay Dani?” she whispers.

  I look back at her confused. She’s nice, but I don’t consider her that kind of friend.

  “I guess.” Seems like a good enough answer. I don’t really have another one that doesn’t come with a long explanation.

  She doesn’t look appeased. Her brow comes together and she looks like she’s about to say something else.

  Mr. Mattson clears his throat from his desk. He looks around his computer and over his glasses at us. I go back to reading. I really need to fly under the radar for a while. Like for the rest of the year.

  ~ ~ ~

  After briefly surveying the cafeteria, I carry my small lunch bag into the hallway and sit down where it’s reasonably quiet. I don’t feel like playing smart with my honor society friends, and I’m only friends with a few of the band kids. I’m the girl who plays piano when they need backup. I take my ponytail out to redo it, and tighten it up a bit. Just fidgeting. Filling up time. My sandwich looks totally unappetizing, but I take a bite anyway.

  “Hey there.” Michael smiles down at me. Michael. Now what? I need to talk to him , but I don’t know how. I look up at his athletic frame and deep brown eyes. He has lashes any girl would kill for. And his smile just…really hits the pit of my stomach in an awesome nerve-tingling display.

  Oh, Michael’s still looking at me, waiting for a response.

  “Hi.” That was lame, but at least I didn’t just keep staring.

  “No camera today?” he asks.

  I look down, which is stupid. I know it’s not here. “Nope, not today.”

  “Mind if I sit?”

  I shake my head unable to find words. Crap, I gotta get myself together. He’s just a boy.

  “You were at the game the other night.” He slides down the wall to sitting.

  “Yeah.” I nod. “You did good.”

  “It was a good night for me.” He grins. “So, what’s going on?” He pulls his knees up, getting comfortable. I’m happy to have him next to me like this. He’s a good guy. And cute. And a bit indimidating. And I need to talk to him.

  “I’m pregnant.” Then I lose the air from my lunge because I can’t believe I just said that to him. Seriously. Guess I don’t have to worry about how to bring it up. Now I can’t breathe back in. It’s going to be a problem in a moment.

  He freezes, mouth slightly open. I know I’ve never seen him at a loss for words. Everyone likes Michael because he’s always saying something, and it’s usually funny. That and he’s a good listener, and not bad looking…actually the list is pretty long.

  “Wow.” He pauses again. “That was…unexpected.” His brow pulls down. “Why did you tell me?”

  I suck in a breath. I don’t know what else to say yet.

  “Does anyone know?”

  “I told Kristin and Jill.” I take another bite of sandwich, afraid to watch his actions too closely.

  “How did that go?” He leans back probably because he saw this morning, and he already knows it didn’t go well.

  “Not great I guess.” I must be better than I thought at putting annoyance in my voice. One day I might rival Gloria. The thought tries to tug the corners of my mouth into a smile, but only for a moment, because I realize that I don’t care too much. The pregnancy is too much to deal with for me to spend a lot of time worrying about lost friends.

  “How are you?” He opens up a small bag of chips. It seems like such a casual, normal thing to do. It makes the personal conversation a little easier.

  I look down at my lap feeling overwhelmed at his simple question. “I have no idea,” I admit. It’s probably the most real answer I’ve given anyone.

  “Why did you tell me?” h e asks again.

  “Because you were adopted.” Because it just came out. And you’re nice and won’t judge me.

  “How did you know that?” He stops eating to stare. Any attempt at being casual is gone.

  “You told me.” I finally look at him. His deep brown eyes flood mine.

  “I don’t tell anybody.” He’s watching my face carefully now, his Dorito frozen between the bag and his mouth.

  “Well you told me last semester, in Chemistry . W e finished a project early and I told you about my big family and you told me about your small family and then you told me you were adopted and not to say anything.”

  He looks up at the ceiling for a moment before leaning back against the wall. He pops the Dorito in his mouth and takes another one from the bag. “That’s right. Weird. I remember now. I just had the strangest compulsion to tell you, and I had no idea why.” His face relaxes. Confusion gone. His gaze is unwavering, and I have to look away.

  “It’s just that…it feels like the only good option for me right now…” I don’t know how to ask him more.

  “And you’re curious, from my perspective.” He shakes his bag to get the last of the crumbs into the corner.

  “I guess so.”

  “Well, I’m stuck after school this week and next week for some student government thing that Tracy has. Stick around sometime.” Tracy is his cousin who lives with him and his mother. Michael’s parents divorced when he was young and Tracy’s mother, Michael’s aunt, wasn’t in a position to take care of Tracy, so Michael’s mother has been raising them both. And now I’m sort of impressed with myself for remembering all of that.

  “Yeah. Maybe I will.” I really want to. Does he mean it? What will I tell my parent’s I’m doing? Does this mean I might be moving forward?

  “I don’t give a lot of thought to being adopted, if that makes you feel better. My parents are my parents.” He shrugs.

  “Michael!” A boy’s voice booms down the hall. “Game of horse? Or are you too chicken!” There’s squawks from the guys behind his friend Calvin, who’s also the captain of the basketball team.

  “Are you just going to take that?” I say. Our moment is too intense. I need an escape.

  “Are you being sarcastic?” he asks.

  “Are you just going to sit here?” I ask again.

  “I don’t know.” He looks confused. I can hear continued squawking from his guys.

  I laugh at him then.

  He jumps up. “I don’t know what to make of you , Dani.” He smiles wide as he looks back down at me.

  “Is that good or bad?” Please say something interesting.

  “Um…it makes me curious.” His head tilts to the side, and he looks at me in a way that makes my heart jump a little.

  It’s good.

  “Don’t be afraid to ask me for something, okay?” There’s no dou
bt he means it.

  I get more support from a boy I barely know than the two friends I spend the most time with. Does that say something about me or them?

  I nod once and lean my head against the wall. I stuff the rest of my lunch in my bag. I haven’t eaten much but already feel full. I wonder if I’ll be able to concentrate on anything but being pregnant for the next nine months.

  ~ ~ ~

  A few days after my strange conversation with Michael, I’m walking down the hallway, clutching my books, when I almost run into Tracy.

  “So, are you staying after today?” Tracy asks.

  Where did she come from? I must be getting colossally unobservant. “What?”

  “Michael said you might stay after school with us this week.”

  “Oh, right. Yeah , I think I will.”

  “Great.” Her smile is genuine.

  There’s some relief with that. It’s not that we’re not friends; it’s just the fact that she looks so pleased at my decision. I suddenly wonder if Michael said anything to her. The thought of more people knowing terrifies me.

  ~ ~ ~

  I find Michael easily once the students are gone. He’s sitting cross-legged on the floor with a notebook in his lap. He looks like he’s studying , and I surprise him when I sit down facing him, crossing my legs. Actually, my actions probably surprise me more than him. When did I get so brave? Our knees are almost touching.

  “How are things?” h e asks. I’m reminded again of how much I like his voice. It’s deep and warm. The whole feeling around him is easy and friendly , and he closes the notebook in front of him. For me.

  I can hear the student government kids in the room next to us , but we’re not close enough to make out the words.

  “I still don’t know.” I try to be honest. I have almost no one to talk to at this point, so the ones that I can talk to, I should probably be honest with.

  “Do your parents know?” h e asks.

  I shake my head and then shudder. At some point it’s all going to come out, and I dread seeing the shock and disappointment that’s sure to be on their faces. I wonder how angry my dad will be.

  “I don’t envy you there. There’s not a good way to bring that up.” He looks sympathetic but not condescending. It’s nice.

  “No,” I agree.

  “How about you? What are you going to do?”

  “Well, abortion is out for me, I just couldn’t do it. I’m obviously not in a position to take care of a baby. My guess right now is that my mom would want to keep it and raise it as hers , but I don’t think I want that either.”

  “Which leaves putting the baby up for adoption.”

  I nod once.

  “Which probably is what brought you to me.”

  “I don’t know.” That is it , but there’s something more. Might be just that I find him cute but even as I have the thought, I know it’s not the reason either.

  Okay. Maybe a small part of the reason.

  “Is there someone in your church or something?” h e asks.

  Oh no. Dread seeps through me. There is one couple. I’d forgotten about them. They’re an odd pair. and I realize that for my dad, it’s probably going to be his favorite option. As much as he pushed for a large family, I think he’s done.

  He’d be able to give a great sermon on how the Lord works in mysterious ways and how a terrible sin of one person can occasionally bring joy to another. I can see his face now, all wrapped up in wonder and excitement. Enough to keep the crowd entertained without turning into one of those ‘crazy Pentecostal groups.’ How am I going to get out of this? I take a deep breath and try to swallow.

  “Dani?” Michael looks at me expectantly.

  “Sorry. I get sidetracked a lot.” I feel bad. My mom is always telling me that people will feel like I’m not listening and don’t care if I’m lost in my own head. I don’t want Michael to think that.

  “You must have a good imagination.” He leans just slightly closer.

  I smile. I’ve always been accused of being spacey—good imagination seems a lot better. It makes me feel warm and comfortable in a way that I haven’t for a long time.

  “Thought of someone?”

  “The options all seem horrible. How did your parents end up with you?” I ask.

  “Through the Mormon church.”

  I stop. Like a rock to my chest or something. It feels crazy. “You’re Mormon?”

  “Yeah.” He laughs. “I thought everyone knew that.”

  “I didn’t.” I’ve always been told how weird and crazy the Mormons are, ‘God makers’ they were dubbed by my father.

  “So, you know I was adopted, which almost no one knows, and you didn’t know I was Mormon?” He seems amused.

  I’m glad I didn’t offend him with my reaction. Or if I did, he’s hiding it well.

  “Maybe I blocked it out,” I answer honestly.

  “That would make sense. I don’t think most of the people you go to church with have the proper understanding of what we believe.” He seems a little more guarded than before, and I’m sad. His legs come up between us and his easy, relaxed face disappears.

  “I wouldn’t be surprised.” I feel often that my dad has things a bit backward. I stare at my feet, a little unsure of how to continue or if he’ll even want to.

  His eyebrows pull together just slightly. He’s thinking. “Your dad is the pastor there, right?”

  I nod.

  “I expected you’d be…”

  “Better?” I laugh.

  “No, no. You have a different feeling about you than what I’d expect. It’s nice.” He’s more relaxed again, and I realize how tense his reaction made me as my shoulders start to slump back down.

  My heart swells at the simple compliment. It’s the best one I’ve gotten in…a while. “Thank you.” I feel happy, inside, in a way that I haven’t in a long time. We’re quiet for a moment, smiling at each other. I look down at my lap. Are we having a little moment here? Then I laugh internally. Right. Michael and the stupid girl who got herself knocked up.

  “God works in mysterious ways…” He opens his eyes wide and tries to joke a little to dispel the tension. It’s not bad tension, just intense.

  “Let’s hope so because right now? I don’t see a good way out of this.” Even if there is one, I have less than nine months to figure it out.

  “Hey , Dani?” He waits until I look at him. “I was adopted. It’s a good thing, okay? I know I’m with the parents I was supposed to have. Does that make sense?”

  “Yeah.” I think I feel something like relief—it just takes me a moment to recognize it because it’s completely unexpected. Relief isn’t supposed to come in any form until this is all over.

  “Well, I can tell you what I know about the process of my church.” He looks through his thick lashes at me.

  “Okay.” It feels good. It feels like I’m moving forward, toward a solution. With my head being full of chaos, it’s what I have to go on. I try not to think about what my dad would say if he knew I was sitting with a Mormon boy in the hallway discussing options for my unborn baby. The thought almost makes me laugh. But not quite.

  “You with me Dani?” Michael asks, noticing my far off expression again.

  “Yep.” I’m still smiling.

  “Imagination running off with you again?”

  “A bit.” I redden. I hate it when that happens.

  “Good. I wish I had that.” He watches me for a moment and then continues. “So, if you want to adopt, they have you fill out all of this stuff that you, a possible birth mother, would get to look at. Pictures, family histories, all kinds of stuff.”

  I nod.

  “I think they help you get set up with health care and all of that.”

  “How do they filter out the adoptive families?”

  “Well, they need to be recommended by their bishop,” he explains.

  “Wait.” I stop him. “What’s a bishop? Like in Catholic church?” The term is on
ly slightly familiar.

  He shakes his head. “No. Okay, let’s see… the easy explanation.” He thinks for a moment. “The bishop kind of oversees what happens in our ward. Our ward is the group of people I meet with on Sunday.”

  “So, like my dad’s the pastor.”

  “Kind of, except the bishop has lots and lots of helpers. He has two direct helpers or counselors and then we have other organizations that also have leaders…”