My Forever (The Next Door Boys)

by Jolene B Perry

  “Who pays for all those people?” I’m shocked. My dad’s the only one, well except for my brother and sister who are practically at his beck and call. There’s no money to pay anyone other than my dad.

  “Nobody in our church gets paid.” He shakes his head.

  “Nobody?” This is crazy to me. My father has made a living being a pastor my whole life. I can’t imagine him doing all that work for free, no matter how much help he had. I think too about the youth leaders who get paid next to nothing but still get paid, how do they get people to do anything?

  “Nobody. We all work together, most of the time.” He grins. “No one has the job forever. It rotates around.”

  “Wow.” The whole idea of it is strange.

  “So, the bishop knows the people in his ward pretty well. He’ll do an interview with them before he turns them over to church social services.”

  “Organized group, huh?”

  “It makes things easier.” He shifts his weight and stretches his legs out in front of him.

  “You two done out here?” Tracey walks out of the classroom.

  “Nope,” Michael says. “We need a few more.”

  Her eyes go from him to me and then back to him. She doesn’t seem disappointed or angry, just curious. She turns around and walks back into the room.

  “I don’t need to be a member of your church though, right?” Because that would be the end of this conversation.

  “No.” He shakes his head. “But if you’re even thinking you want to do it this way, you’ll want to understand us a little bit. You’re not going to want this baby to be raised somewhere you’re not comfortable with.”

  He brings up a good point. Why did I let him continue after he told me he was Mormon? The idea of my baby being raised by a Mormon family is almost as bad as the crazy couple in my dad’s Parrish, and I don’t know what to do with that.

  “Okay, I’m just going to say something that might not make a lot of sense.” Michael leans forward, intent.

  I barely breathe waiting for him to continue. He’s close enough for me to feel his warmth, his breath. Close.

  “You’re going to have to learn to trust the Spirit. Do you know what I mean?”

  I’m not sure. I don’t say anything, and he continues.

  “Try to release some of the tension that you have and listen to your heart. Do what feels good here.” He puts his hand to his chest, and then briefly touches my chest just under the center of my collarbone.

  It feels like one of the most personal touches I’ve ever gotten in my life. Part of my brain wants to laugh at his seriousness, but I can’t. I just sit and nod because I feel it again, right where he’s touching me. He drops his hand.

  “Do you need a ride home?” He leans back and starts to stand up. His voice is different again—more casual, friendly.

  I look around at the empty hallways and the darkness that’s taking over outside.

  “That would actually be great.”

  He reaches his hand down to help me up.

  When I stand I’m not ready to let go of his hand, but I do. I don’t want to be the weird touchy girl.

  “Tracy!” He raises his voice. “We’re ready to go now!”

  “You can tell her if you want to . I t might make things easier for you to explain.” I don’t want to make things awkward for him and everybody’ll know eventually anyway. There are only so many ways to hide a baby in your stomach.

  “You sure?” His brow pulls together in concern.

  “Yeah, whatever. It’s fine.” I nod. What’s one more person? It feels like any moment the whole world will know that I got myself knocked up before high school graduation. This is not who I wanted to be my senior year.

  5

  “Where have you been?” Mom demands as I come through the door.

  Daniel’s sitting on the living room floor doing his homework. Leave it to him to finally be doing the responsible thing when I’d forgotten to call.

  “At school.” I’m resigned. I wonder what will happen to me. Anything I get in trouble for now will all just be practice for the big one when they learn I’m pregnant.

  “Doing what?”

  “Finishing up some school work and talking with a few friends.”

  “Who?” s he asks. “Don’t say Kristin and Jill because they both came over to help your father organize the youth closets.”

  I cringe because I completely forget we were going to do that today. The idea of Kristin and Jill alone with my dad also isn’t a pleasant thought. Though I’m sure if they’d said anything, Mom would have used different words when I came through the door.

  “With Michael and his sort of sister, Tracy.”

  “Ha!” Daniel laughs from his spot. “That sounds like typical Mormon family stuff.”

  “What are you talking about?” I whip around feeling protective. I can’t believe how rude he sounds.

  “They’re just the Mormon kids, that’s all.” He shrugs. Apparently his joke should be obvious, but I don’t get it.

  “No more.” Mom glowers.

  “They’re just kids I go to school with.” I can’t fathom what the big deal is. Everyone knows they’re straight arrows.

  “You don’t need to be hanging out with a bunch of Mormon kids.”

  Here’s where I should know to keep my mouth shut. But I don’t. “It wasn’t a bunch, Mom. It was two, and they’re from the same family.” What’s with me lately?

  “Enough with your smart mouth . Y ou can tak e Daniel’s spot helping me in the kitchen tonight.”

  I slump and let my backpack fall to the floor.

  Mom rests her weight on one leg, letting her hip slide out to the side. “Pick that up, put it in your cubby, wipe that pout off your face and come do as you’re told.”

  I fight the urge to plaster on a huge grin as I cross the room. I can see Daniel smiling at me out of the corner of my eye. I wish I had the courage to hurl my pack at him. Where did all this hostility come from? Must be the hormones. Maybe I should test out my anger, and do something rash.

  ~ ~ ~

  Lunch is becoming this big issue because I have no one I want to sit with. Kristin and Jill are giggling about something that’s probably ridiculous and inconsequential. There are a few others with them today , and I don’t feel welcome there anymore.

  Tracy’s eyes catch mine as I look their direction and she waves me over. I sigh and start their way. I don’t know how welcome I actually am. When I sit down next to Tracy, Michael smiles warmly at me across the table as if we sit like this every day. Three other people are there that I don’t know quite as well. John’s a big guy who plays pretty much every sport he has time for, and two other girls, Jennifer and April. April was worried about me last week, and I give her a small wave.

  “Hi,” I say.

  “Hey Dani.” April’s round face holds a genuine smile. “How’s it going?”

  “Fine.” I’m still surprised she knows me well enough to call me Dani.

  “Welcome to the Mormon crowd.” John grins widely. So that’s why they’re all sitting together. “We don’t always travel in packs like this.” He laughs and takes an enormous bite from his burger.

  I open my lunch, not sure how to handle the easy friendliness they have. Being as quiet as possible seems like my best option.

  “Michael said something to me after we dropped you off,” Tracy whispers. “Let me know if you need anything, okay?” She puts her arm around me in a half hug and returns to her lunch.

  “Thanks.” I’m honestly a little overwhelmed. My two good friends didn’t react this way at all.

  I scan the cafeteria until I see Kristin and Jill who are holding their hands over their mouths while watching someone from another table. I wonder if they miss me at all. I realize also why we were never close. They kind of drive me crazy. It’s an odd realization to have after spending most of the school year with them.

  ~ ~ ~

  “So, how are we doing?”
Michael asks as we walk down the hallway together. I like being this close to him. He talks quietly but not in a way that would draw any attention.

  Just like before, the weight of his question makes it hard to think.

  “Dunno.” Why do I feel like crying at that one stupid question?

  “How you feeling?” He touches his chest briefly to indicate our conversation.

  “Confused.” A mess is what I should say, but confused sounds better.

  “Well, that’s better than nothing.” He smiles at me as he turns into his class.

  I’m not so sure.

  ~ ~ ~

  This feels like something I should be doing with someone else. Like no one should have to sit in a doctor’s waiting room alone. The ticks of the clock start to hurt my brain, but thinking more deeply than that will hurt in places I’d rather ignore. A girl can only cry so many times before it starts to drive her insane.

  This is another one of those surreal moments—like at any second I’ll wake up in my bed, in the room I share with Hannah, and realize all of this is some crazy dream.

  “Dani?” A nurse in scrubs with pink and blue jungle animals is standing at an open doorway.

  Okay, Dani. Last chance to wake up. Now.

  Crap.

  I stand and follow her through the door.

  They poke and prod and try to make the whole process less embarrassing by telling me what they’re going to do before they do it. Telling me you’re going to touch me in private places before touching me in private places actually doesn’t help anything but my sudden desire to have a panic attack.

  When I finally get to leave, my head is too full of information and my body feels…I don’t know…exposed or something. Maybe just thinking of something that’s a step worse than what I’m doing will help me feel better about this mess. Or, I’ll run out of worse situations, and that would really be depressing.

  I guess I should just focus on the fact that it wasn’t as horrible as I imagined and go from there.

  ~ ~ ~

  “How did it go?” Mrs. Davies, the nurse, asks as I walk back into her office. She set up an alibi for me this morning.

  I shrug.

  “That’s it?”

  “Well, it wasn’t on my list of high points.” What else am I supposed to say? “But it could have been worse.” True.

  She nods. “Dani, I don’t want to put added pressure on you here, but I can’t continue to cover for you. I could lose my job.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She’s been really great, and I know I’m asking a lot simply by not telling my parents. The weight hits my chest hard. If I think my life feels off balance and stressful now, I can’t imagine what it’ll be like in a few more months.

  “It’s okay for now. But only cause I like you so much.” She smiles.

  After my doctor appointment, which seems like less of a big deal the further I get from it, and my talk with the nurse, I go to class. It seems like such a ridiculous use of energy and time after spending the morning talking to counselors and having someone very carefully check all of my private bits. I just want to go home, though I’m getting even less comfort from there than I used to. Keeping secrets is exhausting work.

  ~ ~ ~

  I’m still conflicted about how good it feels to go through Michael’s church for this baby. I can’t think about anything else. He’d broken things down so simply, ‘go with what feels good.’ I’m trying but the idea seems off. Wrong. There has to be more.

  I spend the next couple of weeks learning as much as I can about the Mormon Church. It’s not easy. I can’t use the computer at home and time at school is limited and not very private. As I do learn, I begin to see how the things I’ve been told are twisted versions of the truth. I’m at the school library, on the LDS Church website, navigating around as fast as I can in my remaining five minutes.

  “You know,” Tracy says behind me. “If you’re curious, you can just talk to the missionaries.” She sits down at a computer next to mine in the library. Great. I’m caught.

  “I don’t know…” That seems like a kind of commitment of its own. One I’m pretty sure I’m not willing to make. The problem is that when I think about the baby, I feel the pull. Maybe if the commitment is for the baby and not for me, it’ll be easier to make. My head is still telling me that the Mormons are weird, no matter how nice they might be at school. So my head and heart aren’t completely reconciled , but I’m working on it.

  I’m quiet for a long time, long enough that she continues.

  “Well, just think about it . I’m sure we could meet with them after school. It’s what they do. It’s no big deal.” She touches my shoulder briefly before standing up and walking away. It may not be a big deal to her, but it definitely feels like a big deal to me.

  ~ ~ ~

  I go home and Mom’s worried about me, I can tell. She keeps shifting these odd glances in my direction. I’ll have to do better. The last few days of Mormon research have kept my brain completely pre-occupied. Mostly, I just want space to clear my head.

  My brain works hard as I lie in bed and stare at my ceiling. I pray a bit, in random segments, which I’m not great at, and I begin to develop a plan. I’m still doing my best to follow Michael’s advice. I’m trying to ignore the noise in my head and trying to listen harder to what feels good. It makes it easier for me to trust myself than I would have thought possible. Especially when I know I’m about to do something that I never imagined myself doing.

  I leave a note in the morning.

  Mom –

  I’ll be home late from school today; I’m helping with the play. If it’s not too hard for you to do without me in the afternoons, I might stay after to help with the production once in a while.

  Dani

  Today is taken care of, and many more, though I know I’ll have to stick around for part of play rehearsal for alibis. I’m taking Tracy up on her offer to talk to the missionaries. Maybe now I’ll be able to learn a little more. I might at least be able to figure out why I feel good about putting my baby up for adoption with a group of people I’ve been taught to disdain. I don’t like that my head and my heart are saying two different things.

  6

  I step with Michael and Tracy into the doors of their church after school. It’s only a block away. I’ve been into lots of churches in my life, lots of different denominations, but never a Mormon church. I expect to feel a kind of ominous foreboding but don’t. It’s just a church. Just a building. Boring white brick and grandma floral chairs wait in the entry. I kind of laugh at myself for being worried.

  Two guys sit waiting with suits and nametags, easy to know who they are. They’re both medium height, medium build, clean cut and in matching clothes. I’d laugh if I didn’t find the whole situation filled with massive amounts of insanity. I remember hiding behind the couch giggling with my sisters when they’d come knocking on our door.

  We all find a comfortable spot right there in the foyer. It feels good, like the door is right here. I can easily make my escape if I need to. Michael gives an opening prayer. I know I should listen to the words, but instead I feel his voice. There’s a warmth and depth to what he says that feels familiar, good. I feel the loss when he’s finished.

  They tell me a story about a fourteen-year-old boy who went into the woods and prayed and then saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

  Yeah, saw. What am I doing here?

  We all sit in silence for a while.

  “You do know that sounds crazy right?” I say.

  They’re completely unbothered. “The fourteen-year-old boy part or seeing deity?” Elder Simmons asks with a smirk (thank goodness for nametags).

  “Both!” The whole idea… no wonder Dad thinks they’re nuts.

  “What about the fact that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are two separate personages?” Elder Night asks.

  “No, I actually follow you there.” But how can they focus on that when the rest is so clearly ri
diculous?

  They laugh. “Well, there’s a start.”

  “It doesn’t bother you that I don’t buy the rest of it?” My father is more argumentative. He has to make sure that you not only understand his point of view, but agree with it as well.

  “Not at all , ” Elder Night shakes his head.

  “I have some scriptures for you to read, if you want, then spend some time praying about it,” Elder Simmons adds.