My Forever (The Next Door Boys)

by Jolene B Perry

  “That’s it?” They’re really not bothered. How is this possible?

  “Yep.” They exchange glances.

  Michael and Tracy smile as well.

  “And then I’ll suddenly believe your story?”

  “Well, technically it’s not our story. But yeah, that’s the idea.”

  “And this tends to work for you?” I want to laugh.

  One of them shrugs and looks at me. “We haven’t been out in the mission field all that long, so I guess we’ll find out.”

  It’s funny, with the suits and nametags I hadn’t really thought about where they were from.

  “How old are you guys?”

  “I’m nineteen,” Elder Simmons says . “And Elder Night is twenty .”

  “Wait.” This is crazy. “I’m learning about your church from people only a couple of years older than me?” Don’t they have professionals for this kind of thing?

  “Most boys in our church go on a mission from 19 to 21,” Tracy says.

  “Are you going?” I look back at Michael. My chest feels hollow at the thought, which I know is crazy because we’re barely even friends. But he feels a part of this somehow.

  “Yeah, soon actually. I turn nineteen in September. I’ve been a year behind in school since my parents divorced.”

  Michael will be gone before I have this baby. I’m suddenly not sure what I’m going to do without his support. I sit and stare at him for a moment. My chest is heavy, and I have to focus to breathe.

  “What brought you here, Dani?” Elder Simmons asks.

  My head snaps back to him. “It’s a long story. I just wanted to know more.” What did bring me here?

  I glance back. Michael. Michael and his adoption. Okay, so I have to admit, even to myself, that spending time around him is a perk, but it also makes me pathetic. I think about studying on my own and listening to that quiet voice in my heart Michael told me to, and I know that brought me here, too. It’s hard to accept that I have a reason to be sitting where I am right now. Just one thing more to add to a list of reasons my dad might want to kill me soon.

  “Why?” he persists.

  “Because I feel like it,” I snap. I don’t mean to be rude, I’ve just been taken completely by surprise with the whole Michael-leaving-on-his-mission thing, and I don’t like it. I decide right now that I don’t like surprises. They start with things like—Surprise! You get to sleep with someone you’ve been crushing on for years! But then they turn bad like—Surprise! You’re pregnant! And now—Surprise! Michael will be gone before you have this baby!

  Elder Simmons grins . “Well keep listening to that voice. I think with your knowledge, you’ll be better served studying on your own.” He hands me a small pamphlet. “Check the scriptures here and spend some time praying.”

  I reach out and take it. One more thing to hide from my parents.

  “And you can take this as well.” He hands me a B ook of Mormon.

  “Well, that I definitely can’t hide.” I hand it back to him. Bringing a Book of Mormon into the house is probably on par with my pregnancy. Or worse.

  “I have an iPod you can borrow,” Michael offers. “I have the audio Book of Mormon on there. You can listen to it if you like . I t won’t help with the scripture chasing , but it’ll give you an idea.”

  I watch him for a minute to make sure he means it. “Okay.” I say carefully. How long have I wanted one of those? I don’t even know.

  ~ ~ ~

  I walk home that night with Michael’s small blue iPod and the pamphlet crammed into my back pocket. They offered me a ride, but I need time. I listen to Michael’s music. I feel kinda bad, but I’m so curious. I hit shuffle and am surprised to hear a lot of what I listen to. I don’t know what I expected. He obviously wouldn’t listen to church music all the time. I take the headphones out before I reach my house—no need for extra questions.

  I eat a little dinner that Mom set out for me, and go to bed early. I pull out my Bible and look up all the scripture references that I can. I think about how many prophets I know of that had seen God or a part of God, the hand of God, heard His voice. There were a lot. It suddenly doesn’t seem so strange that it could happen now. My father looks in on me and I’m on my bunk, scriptures laid out in front of me. He gives me a nod of approval and continues on down the hallway. That couldn’t have worked out better.

  Dad must be doing the rounds to have his “connection” time with his kids. I turn out the light on my bunk, put Michael’s headphones in my ears and push play on his scriptures. The names are unfamiliar; the language feels a little different, but better, easier to understand for me. I’m completely wrapped up in the story. How could Laman and Lemuel be so stupid? Who sees angels and then keeps doing idiotic things? How many miracles did one person have to see to understand that there’s a God? I fall asleep with the headphones in my ears.

  When I wake up in the morning I’m anxious to get to school so I can throw up without anyone noticing. Well, I’m not anxious for the throwing up part. Just the not being noticed part. Also so I can talk to either Michael or Tracy. I just make it.

  Tracy’s alone today. I shouldn’t be disappointed. But I am.

  “Where’s your brother-cousin?” I ask, trying to sound cool and like I don’t care.

  She rolls her eyes. “We each get a personal day a month, from our mom . H e’s taking his today.”

  “Oh.” I look down. “I need to return this to him.” I pull out his iPod.

  She laughs. “He has like three or four . H is dad keeps forgetting he’s already gotten him one and keeps sending them as birthday and Christmas presents. His dad has a bit of money.” She looks at me like it’s a lot more than a bit. “So, was yesterday too strange for you?”

  “No, I read last night and listened and I’m trying really hard to just feel.” Why am I so honest with her? I thought it was just Michael.

  “Well, good. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been comforted by what we believe. It works for me you know? Might not for everyone, but it does for me.”

  I nod. But church for me has always felt like a job. A big family job.

  ~ ~ ~

  I continue on with Elder Simmons and Elder Night for the next three weeks. The time at the church and with Michael and Tracy become something I look forward to. And even though Michael is completely out of the realm of possibility, he’s fun to be around.

  We burn through the official missionary discussions pretty fast. I’m glad. I’m on a timetable. The baby inside me is going to grow and come out no matter what. I can’t stop it. I can’t slow it down. I’m marching toward one big decision after another. I’m starting to notice my belly. Proof that this is really happening. I can still wear my pants but can’t button them. It doesn’t matter. They stay up and my sweatshirt can easily cover me. For now.

  I get to the church early on our last discussion day. The doors are open, and I know the missionaries are here somewhere , but it’s quiet inside. I pull my camera from its case, and start taking pictures.

  The hangers in the closet.

  An old set of scriptures, sitting there, waiting for someone to claim them. There’s a story with everything and I always wonder what it is. Who left the scriptures? Are they frantically looking around their house or are they noticed as being missing?

  Some classrooms still have writing on their chalkboards so I take pictures of those too. There’s a hangman game in one room. I wonder what Sunday is like in this building? Coming here instead of going to my father’s church is impossible.

  I walk into another small room. There’s a list of blessings that come from family. I stand in that classroom for a while, looking down the list. Love, Strength, Support, People to talk to, People to listen, Eternal families… It’s a list everyone should want. I can feel tears come to my eyes. I’m doing a good thing here. This baby will be well taken care of. I know it. I feel it that strong. I also feel a kind of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe never. />
  Feeling this deep makes me uncomfortable, like I’m itching inside, but pieces are starting to fall into place. I take another picture to help me get my emotions back under control. I slowly step out of the classroom.

  “There you are!” Elder Simmons says from the foyer.

  I wave and walk toward them.

  “How are we today?” Elder Night asks.

  “Really good.” I smile as I hold in tears. Uncomfortable deepness is back.

  “Great.” They take their seats in the foyer.

  Michael and Tracy walk in. I want to show Michael what I just saw. I want to sit with him and talk with no one else around. Maybe he’d look at the pictures I just took and we could share stories. I don’t know how to do that, but I want it so bad. Our eyes catch each other’s more often than usual as everyone gets settled and sits on the floor.

  “Guess we can get started, this is your last one.” Michael do es n’t just look at my eyes; he takes in my face, my expression. I swear he knows what I’m feeling right now but then again, it’s probably more like wishful thinking. I’m a little sad that it’s almost over.

  We’ve gone back and forth on the getting baptized thing. For all three weeks. The missionaries have to bring it up. They just have to. But it’s not the reason I’m here. Being pregnant is definitely enough of a transgression to last my parents for a while. The missionaries don’t know about this. They invite me to church, as always, but I know it’s impossible. I also know I’m going to miss this.

  We talk about the temple a lot this time. We talk about how families are sealed up to spend eternity together. I wonder why my dad has always thought this church is so bad? We talk about the importance of finding someone to share your life with. The person you choose to marry is the key. Your eternal partner. The one person you choose in this life. But the parents of this baby will choose this baby, and I will choose the parents. The baby’s forever family. It’s a scary realization.

  I close my eyes to block out the scariness, but it doesn’t block it out, it puts me in the middle of it. I let them talk while I’m in the dark space behind my lids. Getting married if I felt like I’d have that person forever ? Huge. How much more would I love? How much harder would I dedicate myself to my partner if I knew I could keep him forever? Warmth washes over me. I want it bad. Something else happens. I see Michael. I blush and open my eyes.

  “Okay, Dani. We’re going to invite you again to be baptized.” Elder Night uses his best teasing voice. Only we both knew he’s not really teasing, it just eases the tension. We all get along, and we all want it to stay that way.

  “I’m just curious guys , remember?” I open my eyes. “Besides, I’m already keeping one big thing from my parents, this would just add another.”

  They exchange glances. Crap.

  “I’m pregnant. I wanted to learn more about your church before I put my baby up for adoption through it.” I just blurt it out, there’s no other way. They’re stunned into silence for a minute, and I laugh. These two are never silent.

  Elder Simmons laughs a little then and changes tacks. “Well, you’re under eighteen. We’d need their permission anyway.”

  “Well, I’m eighteen in like a week, so that’s not really an obstacle.” Why did I just say that?

  Everyone in the room exchanges surprised glances and the tension is back.

  “I…” I don’t know how to start. “I don’t want more than one thing at a time that I’m keeping from my parents. I’m not even thinking about this for myself right now.” Or am I?

  7

  Today is a day I have been both looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I skip play practice again to come to the church. Sister Ingalls has a round face, grey hair and a sweet smile of pink lipstick. We go into the Bishop’s office to talk.

  “You’re a very brave girl, Dani.” We sit next to one another in small folding chairs. She’s driven out from church social services to see me about putting the baby up for adoption. There’s no way for me to go to her.

  “No, no I’m not.” All I can think about is how much I don’t want to be doing any of this. I feel like I’m shaking. Each step I take makes this all feel more real. I’m not brave at all.

  “Let’s go over some of the basic stuff, so you have something to think about, okay?” She holds her hands over a file with my name on it.

  I wait for her to continue. My brain is a haze, and anything that comes out of my mouth right now will just make me look stupid.

  She talks through the whole process for me, what they can do for me, what they can’t. Screening for adoptive families, my decisions and what they mean. Everything. In less than an hour, she answers all of my questions.

  It feels like the right thing, but it also feels foreign, and way too real. I’m not sure if my talk with her makes me feel better, or worse.

  “Well, Dani. I think all you need to do now is to keep being prayerful and do what feels right for you, okay?” Both her voice and her face is all sincerity.

  “Okay.” I’m not used to all this freedom. My dad always says that we need to make our own choices, but he’s always going back and forcing us to do what he thinks is the right thing. It’s a lesson in irony considering that this church has always seemed so restrictive.

  It’s all a choice, a conscious choice to do what you know is right, or not. You choose, we choose. I can choose. I’m slowly learning to listen to that small voice inside of me. This is the right thing. It feels good. I want to take anything that feels good and make a decision. It makes it seem like I have some control even though I mostly feel like I’m caught in a crazy whirlwind with no way out.

  ~ ~ ~

  I wake up Saturday morning to balloons and birthday pancakes for Daniel and me. I almost forgot our birthday. I’m now an adult. Eighteen. Weird.

  After yet another day where I pretend that everything is normal in front of my family, I decide it’s time to write Lucas.

  Lucas,

  I’m not exactly sure how to start this. I’m pregnant. I’ve found an adoption agency that I feel good about. All I need from you is a few signatures. The lines you need to sign are highlighted. Just mail this back to my high school c/o Mrs. Davies, she’s the nurse and knows the situation.

  Thanks,

  Dani

  It’s short , but if I start talking I’ll just ramble, and I don’t want that. I want to tell him I know it’s my fault. He doesn’t have to worry. He shouldn’t feel guilty. But I don’t.

  I’m walking home from school. It’s spring but early spring which means that the snow on the sidewalk has turned to ice and someone, in their wonderful wisdom has put a bunch of dirt on it which really just makes muddy ice. I turn on my street and almost run into Zack. Wow, it’s been a long time. A way long time. How did that happen?

  “Are you avoiding me?” He zips his black hoodie up a little tighter. It’s the one with Calvin and Hobbes on the front and usually I tickle Hobbes, just as an excuse to touch him in places I normally wouldn’t. Today I don’t even feel the urge.

  “No.” I pause. “I don’t know.” Probably I am. I usually call him and initiate us getting together, and I haven’t. Now it’s just one more thing adding weight to my chest. One more place I’m really screwing up.

  “Did I do something?” he asks. His hoodie is pulled tightly around his pale face so I can barely see him.

  “We’re not dating Zack. We’re just friends.” Okay, I know this is the lamest thing ever to say, and part of me cringes as it comes out.

  “We’re not really friends if we never see each other.” He kicks some ice-dirt around under his feet.

  He also makes a good point.

  “I got myself in some trouble, that’s all. I knew you’d be mad so I’m avoiding.” Is honesty the best thing here? Wouldn’t it be better if he didn’t know?

  “Oh.”

  “Sorry Zack.” I really am lame, like the worst person ever.

  “So we’re not friends?” he asks.r />
  “I’m pregnant,” I tell him.

  His face falls, and I feel a small pang in my chest for him, and for me. “I’m sorry.”

  Without a word, he turns back toward his house, and I continue on to mine. The pain in my chest spreads, and I want to cry for like the millionth time since the pregnancy test. Today officially sucks.

  ~ ~ ~

  “Hey Dani?” I stop in the dark kitchen at the sound of my dad’s voice. I can see my parents in the living room, but don’t know where everyone else is. “Why don’t you come in here a minute. We haven’t talked in a while.”