“Why are you still here?” I ask Sean. “The semester’s over.” I realize that his internship is probably done.
“Well I don’t see my mom much. She’s Jane Kimball, a partner at the firm? I’ve lived with my dad since I was twelve.”
“So, two spoiled sons of fancy law firm partners here, huh?”
“Something like that.” Sean shrugs.
My life is so different than anything I could have thought of or planned only a few years ago. but I like it. I like the unexpected turns, the people who are my friends. The people I’m in love with. Warmth flows through me as I think about Michael. He’s home so soon.
~ ~ ~
When we get home I have two missed calls. I recognize the first as belonging to a lady I know at church and the other is a nine-oh-seven number. Nine-oh-seven is Alaska. I’m shaking. I listen to the message. It’s Hannah only she sounds so much older. Her voice is breaking as she talks. “Dani, it’s um…Hannah. Daniel emailed me this number a few months ago. He said to call if…” her voice breaks and my heart shatters.
I know what she’s going to say next, or something of it. “Funeral services are at Dad’s church on Saturday at one.” Her voice breaks again and the line is silent. I feel it wash over me. A line from the top of my head that runs through me to the floor leaving emptiness and blackness in its wake.
Daniel…I have no fight left. I slide down the wall to the floor and don’t move. Sobs take over.
31
“Dani? Dani? Wake up. What’s going on?” It’s Jackie sounding more worried than I’ve ever heard her. I start to move, but I hurt all over. I’m in a ball on my floor, and I have to get home.
“I’m going to Alaska.” I can feel my puffy eyes. I don’t know if I can say it. I open my mouth a few times and get tears instead.
Jackie gets on the floor and puts her arms around me.
I lay my head on her shoulder. “Daniel… He’s gone. I have to go. It’s Saturday.”
She squeezes me tighter, and I don’t move. I have no idea how long we sit there until Jackie speaks.
“Okay Dani?” she whispers. “My legs hurt. Let’s get up and get you some food okay?”
“Okay.” I can barely stand up. How long was I there?
She sets me on the couch with a bowl of cereal and gets on her computer. She looks concentrated for a few minutes.
“Okay. We’re all booked. We leave tonight and come home Sunday. Is that okay?”
“You don’t have to come.” I shake my head.
“I’m coming. It’s final. You are not doing this alone. Even without the loss of your brother, this trip won’t be easy.”
She’s right. I start crying again I’m so thankful. After food I go numb. Numb is good. I think about Daniel, and I think about all the other families who celebrate the homecoming of their soldiers with hugs instead of tears.
I’m angry, jealous and devastated.
~ ~ ~
Jackie brings me a suitcase—she threw away the one I came with. I pack without thinking—toiletries, comfy clothes, something to wear to my brother’s funeral. I haven’t cried myself out, not by a long shot, but right now I’m numb again and thankful for it. Jackie gets us a car to the airport. Her and Chase text each other our whole way there.
I can tell its Chase because of the goofy grin on her face. It makes me happy to see her like this. I try to soak in her mood to dispel some of mine.
“First class?” I ask as we take our seats.
“Everything else was booked?” She smiles sweetly at me. I look back. The plane is half empty.
“Did you know that my brother once punched Michael in the face?” I slump low in my seat.
“What did Michael do to deserve that?” She’s smiling with me.
“Daniel thought he was the dad.” I was so mad at him at the time, but now it seems sweet. It ’ s funny how perspective changes.
“You two were close?”
I shrug. “Yes and no. We were because we understood each other. I never felt like I understood anyone else in my house. Well, my mom at times, but that’s it. We still clashed though, and I think even with all the writing we’ve done, he’s not thrilled that I joined up with the Mormons.”
Jackie reaches over and rubs my leg. “Thanks for letting me come with you.”
I laugh a little. “Thank you, Jackie.”
“Of course.”
We’re in a hotel near the airport. I have no idea what to expect from my family tomorrow.
~ ~ ~
Elder Mason –
Of all the times that I’ve wanted to hear your voice, this is definitely when I want it most. Daniel was killed in Iraq. Jackie came with me to Alaska. I miss you. I miss Daniel, and I’m terrified to see my family again.
Love, Dani
I hit send on a message Michael might not get for days.
~ ~ ~
I’m physically shaking as we pull up to my old house. Nothing has changed. The flowers are planted out front for the summer. The parking lot is already full. My parents are here. My brothers and sisters are here. Daniel is dead. My heart is pounding. Jackie climbs out of our rental car and comes around to open my door.
“Dani?” It’s Jill. “Oh my gosh! Dani!” She comes up and gives me a hug. “I’m so sorry about Daniel and everything. You look amazing!”
I look down briefly at my simple black dress and heels.
“So you and your parent’s are talking again?”
“I don’t know.” I manage to get out.
Her face falls. “Oh, okay. Well it’s good to see you.”
“You too,” I say. But I really don’t mean it. She was one of the first two to ditch me.
“Who was that?” Jackie asks. She doesn’t look impressed.
“A friend who turned out not to be a friend at all.”
“I see.” Jackie breathes out the words.
I make it all the way across the parking lot and into the church. I haven’t been inside anything but a Mormon church in so long that it feels weird here.
Everything is just how it used to be. The piano I used to feel both relieved and tortured by is still in the corner. The cross made by one of the neighbors out of oak is in the center, high up on the wall. For me that’s now a symbol of death. The cross was where Christ hung and died. Why not celebrate that He lives?
I don’t know where to go. And then I see my family in the front row. I take a few deep breaths in. I don’t think I can face them. Just as I decide to take a seat in the back I hear Hannah’s voice.
“Dani?” She jumps off her seat in the front row, runs back to me and hugs me tightly. I barely recognize her. She’s a teenager now, not a gangly kid. I pull her close and shut my eyes. Family. It feels good. When I open my eyes Mom’s facing me. She’s crying, and squeezes me until I can’t breathe.
“Oh Dani. I’ve missed you so much . Daniel has told us all about you. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too, Mom.”
“You’re family. Come sit in front.”
“Dad?”
“I will take care of your dad. You will sit with your family. He was your twin, part of your soul.”
Mom always said that Daniel and I shared the same soul. I used to laugh at that because we always seemed so different, but now that he’s gone, I sort of understand. It’s a piece I won’t get back. Not in this life.
Dad doesn’t look up or speak as I walk past him and take my seat. Jackie sits one row behind me. She’s right here if I need her, and I’m so relieved for it. Gloria is doing the music, of course. And Isaac is sitting next to dad with his wife. He also doesn’t look at me. It doesn’t matter. I’m not here for them. I’m here for Daniel.
I think about what I believe during the services. They’re missing so much—all the best parts. The parts about being together forever. The part where we can have eternal families. I’m sad for their lost knowledge.
I picture Daniel’s face when he’s told the Mormons are the on
es that have it right. I see him laughing and knowing his sister got it right before he did. But just like when we were born—I’m only ahead by a little, and he’s bound to surpass me quickly.
I wipe away a tear, but it’s a tear of mixed joy and sadness. “I love you, Daniel.” I say quietly, and get goose bumps in response.
The services finish. I’m aware of very little. I pull a piece of paper out of my purse where I’ve written all of my information down and give it to Hannah. “Keep this and give it to Mom, okay?”
“Are you leaving already?” She takes my arm.
“Dad doesn’t want me here,” I tell her. “It’s okay. You write me though, alright?”
She nods, and I stand up to leave. Mom grabs me in another big hug. I tell her how good I am and how much I miss all of them and that Hannah has all of my information. I stop in front of my father, still shaky, but better.
“Hi, Dad.”
He says nothing. I don’t know why. I guess it’s better than him telling me to leave.
“Love you, Dad.” And then I head for the door. Jackie is right behind me. My life over the past two and a half years flashes before me. Standing behind the church in the middle of winter admitting I was pregnant. Lying in my bunk listening to the first few chapters of the Book of Mormon. Days and nights with Michael’s mom and sister. And now Seattle, working and going to school and living. I’ve come so far.
“I’m ready to go home.”
“Are you sure?” she asks.
“I’m sure.”
We pack up our hotel room and she makes flight changes. We have some time to kill so I show her where Michael and I went to school. I show her his house. I tell her about all the time Michael and I spent together when he was afraid to touch me or to tell me how he felt. I show her the church where I was baptized. It feels good. I feel more settled about leaving this time. I’m not running away this time. I’m going home. This is a place of memories for me, not a place with future. Not for me.
~ ~ ~
My phone rings when we’re at the airport. My parent’s number.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Dani?”
“Hi, Mom.” I wonder what she wants.
“I’m so sorry about your father, Dani. He’s a stubborn man.”
“Its okay. It could have been worse.” I don’t even want to think about how many ways it could have been worse.
“I wanted to tell you that Daniel left you a few things. I’ll mail them to you.”
Tears just start to come. I can’t speak.
“He wanted you to have his dog tags and he had a large insurance policy. He set aside some for your father and I , but 150,000 is yours.”
I gasp. I cannot conceive of that much money. I start shaking.
“Dani?”
“I’m here, Mom.” It comes out in this weird squeak.
“I’m proud of you, honey. You’ve done good things.”
“Thank you, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I’d trade every penny for my brother back , but as tears stream down my face, I know exactly what I’m going to do with it.
32
“Wow,” Sean says as he steps inside my new place.
“I warned you. You’re the one who said you wanted to help anyway.”
“No, no. I did.” He looks overwhelmed. The place really is a disgusting mess. We drove to a drugstore first to get cleaning supplies. I’m now realizing we probably should have cleared the shelves of cleaning supplies. It’s even worse than I remember. But it’s mine.
Well, it’s still Clint’s, but I’m in the process of buying it from him. Daniel would be proud of me.
I spend half the day in the bathroom. The bathroom. I’m no longer afraid to use it though. The kitchen is in the biggest need of help. There’s a large utility sink a few lower cabinets and a two burner stove. Sean is tearing it to pieces, except for the sink. New cabinets are being installed tomorrow and appliances and counters the day after.
I decide I’ll sleep in the loft, even though it’s small and turn the small room on the way to the bathroom into a small living room and changing area for people coming for portraits. It’s like a dream, and I’m doing it. I feel good. Independent. Strong. It’s a new feeling for me and one that I love.
Elder Mason,
I can’t even begin to tell you how blessed I feel. It’s like everyone around me is doing so much more than I could do myself. I miss Daniel, and I’d trade the money for him without even a thought but I have my own place, my own place where I can live and take pictures and it’s all so perfect. I’m overwhelmed. I’m grateful and I can’t wait to see you.
Love, Dani
Dani,
I told you and I knew that you would be blessed. Be thankful and enjoy it.
Elder Mason
~ ~ ~
“I brought dinner!” I hear Jackie at the door. I walk out of the small room—paint covering my hands and my hair. “Wow, you’re a mess.” She laughs.
“Pizza.” Chase smiles as he holds up the box.
“Thanks guys.”
Jackie helped me pick out cabinets, colors, everything. I can’t wait to see it all put together. A couple more days like today, and it’ll be done. Or close.
“So, I figure I have a week left of renovations.”
“Just because I get married in a week doesn’t mean that you have to be out of my house in a week.” Jackie sits on the floor as Chase sets the pizza down.
“But you’re not doing a honeymoon right now, right? You’re doing it on Christmas Break?”
“Well, yeah, but we’ll have a hotel in downtown for the first few nights.” I almost detect a hint of blush on her cheeks. I’m jealous, but too happy for her to care.
“So, I have a week and two nights.” I laugh.
~ ~ ~
I move out two days before their wedding. My tiny , one wall kitchen is done. The painting is done. There’s some small things left but nothing big. I’m almost ready to bring in clients. If I have any.
Brian insisted on doing my website, which is amazing like everything else he does. Things are coming together.
I miss Daniel so much it hurts, and wear his dog tags every day. He wore them like this before I did. It feels good. And it turns out that dog-tags go with anything.
Michael comes home in one month. One month! And Jackie gets married in two days. I’m her Maid of Honor so I can’t be her photographer but I do find one for her—after a dozen or so interviews.
I want to call Mandy again about my money, but I’ve decided it’s not worth the fight. There are better ways to use my energy.
~ ~ ~
The day is beautiful and the wedding is flawless. Everything is perfect, and the food is delicious. I expected nothing less.
Sean is here so I have a friendly face, and we share a few dances together. I share a few dances with Clint and even with the groom. The elusive Bridger flies into town for the wedding. I meet Jackie’s dad for the first time in two years. His eyes are the same bright blue as hers. I can’t help but wonder what his house looks like. Something tells me that the Mason’s house would lose something if I were to see the house of Mr. Caine.
Chase introduces me to his brother, Noah. I’m meeting Noah Watson. I feel like a dork for being so excited, but he’s even better looking in person. Green eyes, dark hair, perfect smile.
“I’m sorry, I feel bad asking for your autograph on your brother’s wedding day.” I plan on sending it to Hannah. She’ll be thrilled.
“No, no it’s fine.” He smiles widely. His teeth are perfect. “Who do I make it out to?”
“Hannah. She’s my sister.”
“Okay…to Hannah…”
“I think you know a friend of mine?” I ask.
“Oh yeah? Who’s that?” He hands me back the napkin he just signed. Still in full smile.
“Brian and Leigh Wright?”
His face turns to stone. “Oh, right, yeah�
� Well, it was nice to meet you, Dani.”
“You too.”
I wonder what happened there. I’ll have to ask. Noah’s wife wraps her arms around his waist, and they hit the dance floor. I carefully tuck the napkin into my bag, give Jackie a final hug and congratulations, and head to my new home. It’s late, and even though I’ve been snacking all afternoon, I’m hungry.
My Forever (The Next Door Boys) Page 24