Stages of Grace

by Carey Heywood

  "If you're tired, feel free to take a nap."

  "I'm not tired."

  "Well, if you get tired."

  "Alright. Hey, Texas! We haven't seen that one yet, have we?" Ryan searches for it on our list.

  I'm still winning, but it makes me smile that Ryan hasn't given up yet. While we drive, I ask him about New Zealand. It seems like another world. It's weird thinking it's summer there Ryan tells me The Lord of the Rings movies were filmed there, and fans still visit to see locations from the films. He grew up playing soccer, or football as they called it, and rugby. He was the bane of existence to his older sisters, always messing up their plans. He tells me the funniest story about one of his older sisters having a big party, and he was home and allowed to attend. Well, all of her friends thought it would be hysterical to get him drunk, He had been maybe eleven at the time.

  He drank everything they gave him, including at one point, something red. It may have been a daiquiri, but it did not agree with him, and he got sick. He had never been sick like that before, and his vomit was red. He was still so drunk he thought he was throwing up blood. He wasn’t but it did not stop him from going to each and every member of the party to say goodbye. You see, he was saying goodbye because he was certain that he was dying.

  "I actually remember feeling quite calm about dying. God, I was such a prat. I felt like a right idiot the next morning when I figured out I was still alive. Many of her friends had spent the night. I avoided them all, I was so embarrassed. She is still mates with some of those kids. My sister and her mates still take the piss, sorry still tease me about it."

  "I wish I had brothers or sisters."

  "I didn’t growing up. They were such a pain, and God, when they were teenagers I thought they were mad. Now that I'm older, I get how lucky I was to have them. They used to beat the crap out of me, and I deserved it but they were my fiercest protectors if anyone else said a foul word towards me."

  "You're lucky to have that."

  "I am. I know it."

  Ryan asks me if I have any embarrassing tales from my childhood. I tell him about my dad and what an outdoorsman he was.

  "He loved camping and hiking, fishing, really almost anything outdoorsy. He also loved owls. I always tried to please him, and one morning when I was playing in a park near our home, I saw what I thought was an owl. It was really a large hawk, but I was little and couldn’t tell the difference. I wasn’t sure why but the hawk landed not far from me and looked at me. I became convinced I would be able to get it to follow me home and give it to my father as a gift. Using a, ‘here, birdy birdy’ I tried unsuccessfully to get it to follow me. A neighbor saw me near the bird and came and shooed it away. He then yelled at me, saying how unsafe it was for me to be near that kind of bird. I was devastated. Not only had I learned it wasn't an owl, but he'd made me feel silly. I remember going home in tears at my failure."

  "That's a lovely story, Grace. I can tell how much you cared for your dad."

  I nod, keeping my eyes on the road. If I look at him right now I'm pretty sure I'll cry. I feel overwhelmed by sadness in leaving my home. It’s where I had grown up. Where my parents had died. I think to that day, the day I stood on the banks of the Cuyahoga and watched their ashes sink into the river. It feels like I am abandoning them somehow. I don’t speak much after that. We fly through the Carolina's but get snarled up in Georgia. We finally reach an exit on the far side of the city and call it a day. There had been some small hope of reaching Tampa that night, but we're tired and decide to make a fresh start of it the next morning. I don’t mind the delay. It only means another day before accepting I do not live in Cleveland anymore. We find a hotel and get checked in, again with two double beds. This place is much nicer and more updated than the motel we had stayed in the night before. I pass the bed closer to the door and set my bag on the one further away.

  "Room service?"

  "That sounds wonderful. I don't want to get back in the car anytime soon," I reply.

  "My treat."

  I smile at him and shake my head. He had tried to pay for the room this time, but I refused. It didn’t feel right. He already paid for his plane ticket and didn't let me pay him back. I won't let him pay for either of the rooms. We take our time looking at the menu. I end up ordering pancakes, which makes Ryan laugh. I like breakfast foods, and the only other thing that sounds appealing to me is a hamburger, and we've already had that two nights in a row. Ryan orders a chicken dish and dessert for both of us.

  I don't feel the same sense of overwhelming exhaustion I felt the day before. Today, home feels so far away. I still wonder if I live somewhere else, will it still be my home? I had not realized how hard this would be. I thought I wasn’t leaving anything behind. Now I understood better how that had been wrong. I'm confused about Ryan. I wonder if he likes me. I guess I know he likes me, but wonder if he likes me likes me. There had been that night at Kate's when I thought he might kiss me. Do I even want him to like me like that?

  He’s nice, and I’m attracted to him, but I'm just so unsure about everything. Most of all, I'm sad and am not even sure why. It's like there are so many things in my mind that it’s overflowing: leaving, missing my parents, feeling like I failed with Jon, being unemployed, not knowing what I have gotten myself into. Each concern washes over me in a seemingly endless loop, some of them lasting longer than others. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. It’s a lot to deal with all by myself. The idea of talking to Ryan about it is embarrassing, but I don’t know what else to do.

  He seems to pick up on it, and while we wait for our food, say, "Grace, you seem a bit down. Everything okay?"

  I sit on the edge of my bed "I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel overwhelmed."

  He pulls a chair over and sits in front of me "I can understand how leaving home feels."

  "Do you ever get homesick?" I ask, looking down at my hands.

  "Sure."

  "But you still have family there and a reason to go back" I argue.

  He reaches out and puts his hand on mine "Grace, you never need a reason to go back. If you're ever homesick, you can go back and visit any time."

  I look up at him "I'm just scared it wouldn’t feel like home anymore."

  "After some time it probably won't. Things will change, and if you aren’t there to see it happen, it will feel strange and different. The first time I went home was after a new shopping center had gone up. I wasn't ready for how different it seemed."

  "What did you do?"

  "Try and stay busy in the beginning. Too much free time lets you over think things."

  "I don’t even have a job yet."

  He hesitates. "Would you like to work with me?"

  "You don’t have to do that" I say, shaking my head.

  "Seriously."

  My mouth drops "But I know nothing about boats or the water."

  "I can teach you" he replies, tilting his head to the side.

  "I just—I don’t know."

  "Come on. It'd be fun" he's smiling now.

  His hand is still on mine. He moves it when I look down at it "Are you sure?"

  "Absolutely."

  "You can fire me if I'm awful."

  "Grace, don’t be silly." he stands and hesitates before pushing the chair back.

  I smile, I have a job. I don't give care how much it pays. The idea he would hire me at all…My head turns when I hear the knock at the door. Our food has arrived. I feel a little better. Talking about it had helped. Pancakes too. After we eat, I call Kate let her know we're staying in Georgia for the night because of traffic. Kate is so excited I’m coming she is fine with waiting another day. At this point, we're only five hours away, depending on traffic. We will get there just after lunchtime tomorrow.

  Ryan and I stay up talking that night, each in our beds. Ryan doesn’t wear a shirt when he goes to bed, just pajama bottoms that hang low on his hips. It feels strange, lying down, turned on my side, talking to him. I have t
o remind myself not to stare at him. It’s hard not to, though. He's turned on his side, head propped up on his hand. He's excited about me coming to work with him. He says we can carpool, and he can teach me everything he knows.

  His enthusiasm is infectious, temporarily banishing my gloomy mood. I have to believe I can do this. It’s too far to turn back now.

  "Grace?"

  "Huh?" I squint at him.

  "Did you fall asleep?"

  "I'm just resting my eyes" I mumble.

  "Mm hmm."

  "I was." I yawn loudly. "Just a little."

  "Alright, Grace. Sweet dreams."

  "I'm up. I am," and I’m asleep.

  The next morning, I wake up first. I turn to watch Ryan as he sleeps. He's on his stomach with a pillow under one of his arms and head. His hair is in his eyes, and I have the sudden urge to brush it to the side. Recognizing how absolutely creepy that would be, I get up to shower instead. Once I’m dressed I open the bathroom door to let some steam out. I’m brushing my hair when Ryan pops his head in the door, making me jump.

  "Didn’t mean to startle you. Just wanted to know if the john was free."

  "Of course. Here, let me get out of your way."

  At the doorway, we both move in the same direction. First left, then right, until I am able to squeeze past him. I feel warm from being so close to him in all of his shirtless glory. I tell myself to slow down when it comes to Ryan. Sure, he flirted with me when I was in Florida. I can still imagine his forehead against my own after our dance. However, since then, he has been nothing but friendly, and now if I'm going to be working with him, it would not be wise to be lusting after him. Most of all, my attraction to him makes me feel guilty. My relationship with Jon, while troubled, has only just ended. What kind of person does it make me to forget those feelings so quickly?

  "I'm sorry, what?"

  Oh my God, I had been thinking out loud. I clap my hand over my mouth, eyes wide. What had he heard? My reaction seems to confuse him. He cocks his head at me.

  I lower my hand. "I hadn't realized I was talking out loud."

  "No worries, Grace. I heard you, but I didn’t hear what you were saying."

  Thank God! "Whew. I was just thinking."

  "What were you thinking about?"

  "Um, the move" I lie.

  His forehead creases. "Okay."

  I can tell he doesn’t believe me but am grateful that he doesn’t press the issue. How embarrassing. Once Ryan is dressed, we head to the lobby together. This hotel has a complimentary breakfast so we won’t have to worry about stopping on the way out. It’s strange to think I’ll be arriving at my new home today. I’m looking forward to seeing Kate and sleeping in that bed again but, I still can't shake off the melancholy.

  Ryan drives first, we are maybe five hours from Tampa, and we'll stop halfway for a bite and to refuel. I'll drive the last leg. I want to learn my way around, and Ryan promises to point out important landmarks.

  "Do you think you'll apply at any doctors’ offices?"

  "Probably. It’s all I really know how to do."

  "Well, you don’t have to rush. You can work with me as long as you'd like."

  "I don’t want to become a pain."

  "You?" He seems shocked. "Impossible."

  "That is sweet of you to say."

  "I am sweet. UTAH!"

  I laugh and shake my head at him. Yes, he is very sweet. When it’s my turn for the final leg of the trip, the increase of congestion on the road surprises me. What's the big deal on a Monday afternoon? I try to remember if it had been like this when I went with Kate to see the mermaids. One welcome change is the temperature. It must be eighty degrees. I shrug off my green cardigan at a red light.

  "Is it always this beautiful?"

  "We do get quite a bit of rain, which you have so far missed, but otherwise, yes. It is this beautiful most of the time."

  "I might even get a tan."

  "That'd be a shame."

  I glance at him, one eyebrow raised in a silent question.

  He shrugs and looks straight ahead. "You have lovely skin."

  I don’t say anything. Part of me wants to argue his compliment, to say, ‘but my skin is so pasty.’ Instead, I allow myself to accept his compliment and maybe even believe it, making a mental note to buy sunscreen. When we are less than an hour away, I start to recognize places from my trip before. Little things, a road sign, a shopping center, a school. Ryan laughs each time I shout, pointing out something I think I've seen before.

  When we pull into Kate's driveway, I turn excitedly to Ryan and say, "I live here now."

  "That you do. Come on. Let's go find Kate."

  When we get to the front door, I pause to let Ryan open it, until he reminds me that this is my house now.

  "Oh right," I say, pushing open the door. "Kate," I call out. "We're here."

  Kate slowly makes her way from the kitchen to greet us, pulling us both into a hug. She raises her hands to my face, placing one on each cheek and kissing me, then does the same with Ryan. After that, we begin unloading my car. Most of the boxes go straight into my new room. The ones that do not fit go in the spare room with the daybed. When Ryan carries my TV in, I can't decide where to put it. After talking with Kate, we decide to switch it out with the smaller TV in her living room. I don't have a cable jack in my new room so Ryan sets the old living room TV in the room with the daybed.

  Kate sits in the corner chair and Ryan on my bed while I unpack my clothes. I'm almost surprised to see how much I have since I haven't done much shopping in the last year. Once I have the dresser filled, I confess I need a break.

  "Pool?" Ryan asks.

  "That sounds wonderful" I admit.

  "I might even get in myself," Kate adds.

  Kate and Ryan leave so we can all change. I'm the first one in the pool, Kate not long after. Ryan takes longer than I expect. When he finally walks over, he apologizes for the delay. There was a work call he had to take.

  "Everything alright?" Kate moves over on the pool step to give him room to pass.

  "Nothing big, just a technical issue with the credit card reader, but it's all sorted now."

  "This feels so good." I had grabbed a float and am lying on my stomach. "I might just fall asleep."

  "Like last night?"

  "What happened last night?" Kate asks, looking at Ryan.

  "Grace passed out, mid chat."

  "I was tired. Moving is tiring" I try to explain.

  "It was a first for me, I have to admit." He mock hangs his head in shame. "I didn't know I was so boring."

  "You are not boring." I lift my head to look at him.

  "Stop teasing her, Ryan." Kate flicks her hand at him, then turns to slowly get out of the pool.

  "Need a hand, Kate?"

  "I've got it, dear. Why don’t you get a raft like Grace?"

  "Brilliant idea," Ryan says, swimming towards me.

  "She didn’t mean mine," I say, paddling with my arms away from him. "Go get your own."

  He swims right up beside me, hands resting on the raft. "But I like this one."

  "Don’t you dare!"

  He moves as though he is going to flip me but stops. "I wouldn’t dream of ruining such a pretty view."

  I blush and put my head down. He is such a flirt.

  "So when did you want to start work?"

  I lift my head. Tomorrow feels too soon. I want to get a bit more settled before I do anything. "Would the day after tomorrow be okay?"

  "Why don’t you take the rest of the week and start on Monday?"

  "That'd be perfect."

  Kate had gone to get her knitting from inside the house and was now sitting on her wicker loveseat, working away. I watch as her hands move swiftly with the needles.

  "What are you making now, Kate?"

  "A little sweater." She proudly holds it up.

  "That is so cute."

  "I could teach you."

  "To make that?"

>   "We'd probably start with something easy, like a scarf or a baby blanket."

  "I'd like that."

  "Do you want to learn too, Ryan?"

  Ryan had grabbed another float and is jumping on it. Once he is comfortable he says, "Nope, I'm good."

  "Not manly enough for you?"

  "Too manly, actually. I'm terrified of it," he jokes.

  "Silly boy." Kate is shaking her head.

  Ryan just grins at us, making us laugh. Not long after, I help Kate get dinner started. We’re having salmon and rice with steamed edamame. I’m not sure about knitting but know I want to learn how to cook while living with Kate. Ryan walks in and out a few times, getting plates and silverware to set the table.

  "White wine?" Kate asks, winking at me.

  "I'll have a beer for myself and open a bottle for the two of you."

  "He hates white wine." Kate thinks this is funny for some reason.

  We eat on the lanai, and Ryan does not stay long after, wanting to make an early start the next day. I clear the table and load the washer before turning in myself. I have to move some things from the bed to the floor to get in but am asleep in no time. Sometime during the night, I wake up and cannot fall back asleep. My mind is in overdrive, trying to identify unknown sounds of the house and outside my window. A noise may wake me, but the thoughts I cannot quell are what unsettle me. My mind is a loop of destructive thoughts, on an endless replay.

  Is this a mistake? Does Jon still love me? Shit! I sit up with a start. I was supposed to call Jon when I got to Florida but forgot. My cell phone is on the charger next to me. Jon had gotten a new phone before I left, but I'm waiting to change mine, still not sure if I want to keep my old number or get a new Florida number. I punch out a quick text to him, hopeful his ringer is off and that it won't wake him. -Made it to Florida, am at my grandmother's. Sorry for the late text. Hope you are doing well. I flop back onto my pillows, feeling guilty for sending that text so late. Part of me hopes his ringer isn’t off and that he will text me back.

  What is wrong with me, I wonder. It is pointless to be concerned with Jon now that I am so far away. Does he really miss me? Will he want me to come back? I think back to the first time I ever saw him, that night at the bowling alley. It had seemed almost magical at the time and is still so vivid in my memory. Everything about him, all of our firsts held prime reality in my conscious thoughts. I missed him, I missed home and my parents. I turned on my side, cradling my phone, still hopeful for a return text from Jon. I pull my knees up to my chest feeling more overwhelmed with each passing moment.