Spider’s fingers trail up my back, rubbing my skin, while he held my gaze and listened to every word. “Along the way, I stopped growing inside. I stifled the pain until I met someone who made my heart beat again. You pumped life back into me. It was like waking up after a long sleep. I could see the colors again. But I wasn’t ready to understand what that desire meant, how to keep something so beautiful and healthy.”
My fingers brush his hair back, and softly, I peck his lips with mine, then his cheek. “I needed to lose you to love me again. Once you gave me that spark, I had to do something with it. I hated you for giving me true passion and then taking it away. But I needed it. I went on a downward spiral, one that had to happen. I needed to save myself. But I didn’t do enough. When I called you, I was going to ask you to come to me, so I could tell you about her. I didn’t know what would happen, but it felt big. But it went very wrong after that.”
Spider’s eyes drop and when he looks back up, opening his mouth to say something, I stop him, my finger gently pressing against his lush lips. “Kilo and I had an open relationship, and he would sleep with other women frequently. I wanted you and I tried to break it off with him. I was going to talk to you and ask what you wanted. That’s why he sent you that voicemail. He found out after we were over that I was knocked up with your kid. I wanted to protect her from my decisions. To be better for her. I… I didn’t think that I would fail so horribly though. That phone call you heard was me trying to get Kilo away from her, from me, from us. But with the mess we made and the rose-colored glasses I had on, I was too late to do it.”
My lip trembled and the memories flooded back. My skin feels the chill from the inside out. I gasp before I continue with a shaky voice. “Kilo attacked me in my shop. He punched me several times in my stomach. Spider, he never held back his strength. Each blow was delivered with everything he had. I prayed I would die because the pain was something I have never experienced in my life. The result was even more tragic. I would have endured anything to save our baby. But I lost her because I was too late to see myself better and leave him earlier. After I lost her, it brought back my dad’s death and the little girl from the past had to heal with the woman I am now. I’m sorry, Spider. I’m so sorry.”
He pulls me to his chest, wrapping me protectively into his warmth. Selfishly, I soak it in. Clenching my eyes shut I hold on. I wait for him to yell and scream at me. I wouldn’t blame him. His fingers dig into my hair and his other hand wraps around my back. Spider’s head rests atop of mine and he squeezes me tighter to him. “Fuck, Jazz,” he croaks. “Shit.” His hands clench and his breathing picks up.
“I know, it hurts, the reality of what happened is brutal and devastating.” That is what is real, life is messy, hard and often ugly.
“Never again. I’m never leaving you again.” Spider gives me devotion which is hard for me to believe I deserve. I trust his loyalty, because he has sacrificed himself to keep his brothers safe. What I want more than anything is to feel love and believe in it again. Will Spider be that man that brings me heaven or hell? Only time will tell and if I am brave enough to open up to it. You’re not born until you battle.
He lifts me up and pulls the covers down. I slide in and he joins me after removing all but his boxers. I want to ask and beg for him to tell me what he is thinking. If I do, and it’s more than I can take it could hurt us both. It’s on the tip of my tongue and the question is bitter, do you forgive me? How can he? It took me such a long time to face the facts of my choices, of everything. The agony of what I did crushed my confidence in myself. You can’t hide the scars you gave yourself. That forgiveness is a hard road we don’t let up on. I understand better than anyone that he needs to process it all in his own way. He could leave and I wouldn’t blame him or beg because he lost her too.
I want to lay here until the pain wears off. Take a shot of whiskey and allow the burn to cover the worry and guilt in the pit of my stomach. Spider may not be here tomorrow. After having him take me in his arms, I never want to go back like it was without him. He had a right to know everything. Our Angel was as much his as she was mine. There is a truth in growing stronger together and this time, I did what I had to. It hurt me to tell him because the truth in this case is brutal. I hated myself for it for a long time. If I’m honest with myself, I need his forgiveness just as much as my own, if not more.
Chapter 29
Spider
It was me who left our bed first this time at the crack of dawn. I didn’t want my mood to reflect my emotions for what she went through on her. I’m so angry at myself I didn’t come sooner and she went through this all alone. More than that, Kilo laid his hands on her in a way that wages a war between men. He called me out to finish a challenge; I will gladly accept and fucking win. That asshole will die. I wanted to leave last night and take a long ride. Leaving her would have been the worst thing to do to her after she opened up. I promised her all of me so instead I left early in the morning.
I allow the revenge to riddle deep inside me and the harsh reality of her abuse to course through my veins like poison. Jazz has convinced herself if she would have done things differently, she could have saved her? Fuck no. No man on this Earth should hurt a woman for any damn reason. I’m going to kill that motherfucking piece of shit. Our bodies were meant for one another, and through that we created our baby.. Claimed by flesh. But Kilo took that, he killed my baby. Gone.
Hours passed before I was calm enough to be around anyone. The road understands the restless souls on a path for healing. I’m not quite there, especially when the old haunting of those I couldn’t save whisper their doubts. It’s easy to recognize the fall when you have spiraled before, the difference is, I now know how to stop it.
I want a future more than I want the past. Fuck being a slave to shit that has happened before. Now, I’ve learned I have no control over everyone. But I can work damn hard to make it better. To do that, I need to visit Snake and get more answers from him.
My knuckles wrap against the wood of Snake’s front door. I close my eyes just in case some club girl answers naked. I really don’t want to deal with that shit. The door swings open and I crack an eye just barely when there is no greeting. Snake’s amused face is blurry. “Thank god,” I blurt and walk past him.
“That scary walking into the Snake’s den?”
“I’ve heard many interesting tales from Vegas.” His sister has painted a clear picture of his activities.
“She’ll never forgive me for half of them.” He rubs his chin and snickers, “I’ve calmed down a lot.”
It could be true, but I’m not here to talk about his choices. Cutting to the chase, I clear my throat, “I need more answers. I talked to Jazz last night.” I can’t get the words out of my chest. Her experiences wrapped them around my heart so tight it is literal pain. I need time to adjust to what I didn’t know. Her agony felt like barbed wire in my soul.
His face visibly tightens and nods at me once. Following him to his kitchen, he pours us a black coffee and we sit at the kitchen bar. It’s still early and the sun is shining over the congested city. Snake has a nice crash pad. A Condo with a small garage in a nice neighborhood. I still am adjusting to the change of pace. While Reno is a city, it is small in comparison and not nearly congested. It reminds me of how it was in Las Vegas, and I don’t miss it. He bites his lip and glances up from the cup in his hands. “It was my fault. Please tell me you aren’t mad at her for what happened. She came to me for help and I let her down. I was there in the building and I didn’t hear him sneak in through the back. I picked her up off the floor afterward. She cried, man. What happened to her made me burn like I have never in my life. I never wanted to kill someone as much as I did him.”
He takes a slow sip and looks outside. “I was just a day away from getting my hands around his neck. I was a day too late. I had it set up to take him out myself, but my plans were shattered in an instant. I couldn’t go off halfcocked.” If he would have been
caught, the club would want his head.
Snake’s confession forces my hands to shake with anger. I know it’s not his fault but a part of me wants to blame him, but I know he tried. “If you would have, you would betray your club, killing Kilo with an unsanctioned hit. It would have to be approved by Stryker.” He planned to kill him knowing he was putting himself at stake.
“Aye, even then we would have to hold church. She would have to stand against him, and we both know how dangerous that would be, let alone her word against his. And let’s face it, the members would say they’ve had a bad go and look the other way with their history. Spider, there was no proof it was your kid man, you didn’t claim her. It would have helped.”
His words are the cold hard truth. “What did you do then?” If I had pulled her to me, I could have saved her and the baby.
“I called in a favor from way back. I set him up to be arrested. If he was left on the streets, I would have killed him and I needed time to make it right.”
“Why couldn’t you go to Fuego?”
He laughs a humorous chuckle. “You’re just getting to know my old man. He doesn’t want to know. He’s two men, one loves his club and the other loves his family. You can’t put them both first. Trust me when I say he would want me to handle this and him not know. He expects me to be a man and handle my business. Keeping him out of it was the best option. I had a rat set Kilo up and I took care of that too. I buried the evidence.”
His meaning is clear—he killed his informant. Dead witnesses don’t talk. Life has its harsh grip on me, tearing into flesh and pulling at me in ways I have never felt. “What are you planning now?”
“You mean ‘we’. What are we planning now?” He cocks a brow at me and this time I nod for him to continue. “First off, you don’t tell anyone. No one. I don’t want to be eating dirt before it’s my time. This we take to the grave.”
There is an advantage to secrets but unfortunately, they always tend to come to light. It’s better to have your men at your back protecting you. “I’m inviting Kat, Tank’s woman on this. I am killing this motherfucker with my hands and I need someone watching our back and erasing anything before it could be traced. Non-negotiable, or I do it without you. You can walk out now, no hard feelings.”
“Will Tank know?”
“More than likely. Secrets are like playing roulette with the devil. Let’s just say, she knows the dark world and when it comes to business, she can deliver revenge while playing the long game. She won’t tell a living soul, and if Tank needs to know, he needs to.” I set my phone on the counter open to Kat’s number. It sends a message for her to call me back from a secure line.
My phone chimes in response and I pick up. “Spider, you fuck nut, this better be good. If we aren’t killing a motherfucker I’m going back to bed.” She yawns over the line.
“Morning beautiful,” Snake teases.
“What is this?” she hisses.
“Kat,” my voice is stern, but she can hear the urgency in it. I retell her the story of what has happened. “I need your help.” As much as I hate asking, I have to do it this way.
“Let me get a coffee and some searches going. I’ll work as fast as I can, but this will take some time. Take care of her.” The line goes dead.
“What does she know?” Snake questions, easily recognizing that Kat is not just an Ol’ Lady. Most of the members don’t know what Kat is capable of. A hidden secret. Only the Prez’s of the clubs know of her involvement, but also to an extent.
“She’s lived a life that’s not mine to share. Kat has many skills that don't leave this room. But, she had a job before she was with us, finding men’s weaknesses and taking them out. Kat will hunt him in a way only a vengeful woman can. Don’t go poking around Snake,” I warn.
“Don’t plan on it, brother. Tank just took crazy to a whole new level even for me. Some bitches are basic. I knew she was a badass bitch. I don’t need to know any more than that.”
I snort. “I can’t figure out if he’s the smartest man in the world sleeping with a killer or the stupidest. Point is, Kilo is going down. All eyes are going to be looking at me. We need smoke and mirrors to pull this off.” I could die by the hand of Fuego and Stryker if I fuck this up. Involving Blade at this point wouldn’t do him any favors. This makes everything else in my life that I walked through a fucking picnic in school. As long as my woman is safe from this asshole, that’s all I care about. My life be damned, I'll happily shake hands with the devil.
Snake checks the time and reminds me. “We have a ride down to south Cali. Kilo is coming along. We need him worked up and reckless. And there is no better way to watch him than to keep him next to us. Can you keep your cool?”
“Aye, brother. I can play the game. Let’s hit the road.”
I follow Snake over to Kilo’s rundown apartment building. Before we walk up to the door I glance around the building. Snake knocks several times before he kicks the door. “Open up you lazy dick. You know we have shit to do this morning.”
A few minutes pass before one of the club girls opens the door. Snake walks in not glancing at her, much to her disappointment. She opened the door butt ass naked. Something I was prepared for, and waited for her to go in. I don’t want this bitch at my back. I leave the door open and sit on the couch. Kilo hollers at her to bring him his soda. Soda? She pulls a thick brick from the kitchen and takes the cocaine to his room. I can hear giggling and moans while the sounds of snorting filters down the hall.
“Now, Kilo, it’s time to fucking move,” Snake threatens, losing his patience.
She playfully yelps and the piece of shit saunters down the hallway, his boots thudding against the floor. Kilo pulls a shirt over his head and that’s when the asshole sees me sitting on his couch. Dominance crackles through the air. Killers stand off to the other. Who wants to be the first to draw, show their cards? I tilt my head to the side, satisfied to watch his nostrils flair. There is no doubt that we want to rip the other to shreds, and if Snake wasn’t standing witness there’s a chance it would have happened.
“Look at this.” Kilo stops and assesses his options. “I didn’t think you had any balls, but I may just be wrong. How is Jazz, could you smell me on her? I’ve broke her in. You like fucking what isn’t yours?”
He cannot rattle the cage I have him in already, I won’t let him. “C’mon Kilo,” I taunt back. “I’m just here waiting to get to work. Nice place by the way, classy bitch too. Oh, no, that was the one you carelessly let go off. After you asshole, it’s time to do a man’s day of work.”
His fists raises as he is about to charge, and Snake shoves him through the front door. I take note of the girl, the drugs, where he stashed his gun under the table. Every detail, I sear into memory. Each minute is dedicated to studying this asshole. His tells and what makes him mad. Hell is coming, and he will pay for what he’s done to my woman and the life stolen.
Chapter 30
Jazzy
“Jazzy?” Spider stands at the doorway of the shop. “Why are you still here?”
Huffing, I fall back to my seat at my desk. “Spider, I run a business, and that means that I have to balance ledgers and bank stuff. I can’t do that while I’m doing tattoos, it's actually what keeps the lights on.”
“Really?” he clips back sarcastically. “Are you doing this by hand?” He steps closer to me and peaks over my work.
Heat claws its way up my neck, “I am not an accountant okay, I’m learning this as I go and doing the best I can with what I know. I’m trying.” I toss my pencil onto the desk and bend to pick up my keys and purse. Too mad to give a shit what he has to say and begin to storm out. My shirt is tugged back and I’m weightless, flying back toward Spider's chest. His hands capture my face, and his lips take mine in a sensual hello.
Spider’s tongue snakes out and he seeks mane. My hands pull him closer, taken in the moment and the bliss of finding peace in his arms. He pulls back just a little, “Jazzy, I know that you b
ared yourself to me last night, and now you want to run. It’s what you do. But I’m going to stand by you until you don’t want me to. I’m not picking a fight with you.” He tilts my head back and kisses my nose and my forehead.
A tiny part breaks inside of me at his words. This side of Spider is new territory. One I still need to learn. He seems to know how to handle me better than I do him. Changing directions, he pulls me along to my car. “Where is your bike?”
“I grabbed an Uber so I could drive you home after work.” He pulls me along and it hurts my soul. If he was in Reno, he would have called anyone there to bring him where he needed to go. As much as I want him here, it shows how much he has given up for me. Spider opens the door and helps me in like a gentleman. I try to smile to show him what it means to me but my lip trembles and I turn my head away.
He sits across from me and leans in to kiss me on the forehead. “I have something to show you.”
“I would ask, but frankly I have no words for you right now.” Being frank is the only way to go. What I expect is possibly dinner, or taking me to a party, something easy. My expectations are low, not having the experience of dating. Is that normal? Shaking the idea’s from my head, I get lost in the direction we are headed. Spider tries for easy conversation and asks me about my day. He takes amusement in the fact that I can barely answer. I am so tongue tied. Lamely, I responded, good, did some tattoos. I’m scanning the areas to figure out what is going on.
Anxiety hits me like a mac truck coming at full speed when we pull into a security gate surrounded with a brick fence. My face is stuck observing the beautiful neighborhood home oasis. Kids are riding their bikes while dad’s cut the grass and a group of moms are at the mailboxes talking. This is a scene straight from a T.V., it's too surreal. I can’t steer myself away from the beautifully landscaped homes and driveways. My heart hammers against my ribs. “Spider, what are we doing here?”
Claiming His Forever (Battle Born MC Book 8) Page 16