Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  Jimbo stopped him. “Easy there, big guy. We’re not serving ourselves tonight. I have help.”

  “You DO?” Lou’s warm brown eyes widened as he slipped back into the water, his big tight balls and chubby penis getting lost in a tangle of pubes.

  Jimbo held up one dripping wet finger, every muscle on his furry chest rippling, and picked up a cell phone on the platform of the tub in the corner of his basement, which also had a pool table, a pinball machine, a bar, dart board, and card table on the “rec” side. The other end was a massive home gym where the foursome worked out together—although it was obvious that Jimbo hit the equipment even when the other guys weren’t around.

  “Hey, Bryan,” Jimbo said into the phone. “We’re ready for you.”

  “Bryan. Sounds cute.” Nando smiled, his still completely black goatee rising at the corners.

  “New houseboy, Jimbo?” Ted teased him.

  Jimbo smiled. “You could say that. Guys, it’s our thirtieth anniversary. I want us to be treated like kings.”

  A shadow flickered along the wall, and it was more than just the warm glow of strategically placed candles. Down the stairs descended a vision of pure gold, almost literally: golden blond shaggy hair, a tiny patch of gold hair on a perfectly chiseled, tight chest, a completely hairless, golden brown tanned body, and a gold jockstrap.

  The men let out cheers, playfully splashing Jimbo with water.

  When things finally settled down, Jimbo said, “Bryan, I want you to meet Nando, Ted, and Lou.”

  Yellow candlelight licked at the creases in the new arrival’s eight-pack abs as his athletic body strode over. His smile revealed glistening white teeth. “Men. I’m Bryan, and I’ll be serving you tonight.”

  The catcalls started all over again, more aggressively.

  Jimbo smiled at Bryan. “I think they approve. Could you set us up?”

  “Sure.” Bryan moved behind the nearby bar and dug into a small fridge. He filled four small shot glasses on a tray that also held a bowl of lime wedges and salt.

  “Tequila shots?” Lou was the first to raise his concerns. “Aren’t we more of the margarita crowd?”

  Jimbo’s near-black eyes gleamed. “This is unlike any tequila shots you’ve ever had before.”

  “I’ll pass,” Lou said.

  “Fine. I’ll go first,” Jimbo said. “Bryan, would you do the honors?”

  Bryan stepped over to the side of the tub. “Would you mind holding this?”

  He handed the tray to Nando, who was sitting closest, his green eyes locked on Bryan’s physique. They nearly bugged out of his head when Bryan turned around, offering a glimpse of the evenly tan, tight ass framed by the gold jockstrap. You could say it was a moon brightened by the sun’s rays. Bryan arched backward until his spine landed on the lip of the tub. One muscular arm wrapped around Jimbo’s neck, the other found Nando’s. He held himself in place, lying horizontally between them.

  “Hope you have flood insurance, Jimbo. Cause the tub’s going to overflow with my sprung dick in it,” Nando said.

  “Stretch that tray over this way,” Jimbo said.

  Nando did as requested, his thick, hairy tattooed arm hovering right above Bryan’s lower abs.

  Jimbo grabbed a lime, popped it in his mouth, and sucked it while simultaneously sprinkling salt on a huge peach nipple on Bryan’s chest. He spat out the lime before descending with his mouth open.

  “Uuh—OOOH!” Bryan moaned as Jimbo clamped on to him. His head dropped back, his staccato locks of hair draping into the tub.

  “Holy fuck!” Lou gasped.

  Jimbo grabbed a shot glass and downed it. His three buddies watched as his tongue slithered out of his mouth and probed at the small salt-and-pepper soul patch under his bottom lip. He smiled playfully. “Delicious!”

  “I’m next!” Nando and Ted shouted at the same time.

  Bryan hoisted himself back up and met Jimbo for a deep lip lock. Jimbo took the tray. Bryan lined himself up between Nando and Ted and then assumed the position, arms wrapped around their necks. The two men popped some limes, tossed the rinds onto Jimbo’s tray as Nando did the honors of salting each nipple, and then they both attacked.

  “Whoa!” Bryan panted as his nipples were painted by their tongues.

  When they downed the shots, Ted began coughing, and Nando’s green eyes watered. But that didn’t stop them both from going back for more nipple. Bryan cried out with pleasure as each man nibbled on the tips of his pecs hungrily. His strong arms held them in headlocks.

  “OKAY!” Lou barked from his corner of the tub. “I’ll have one.”

  The men giggled. Bryan was released from the oral hold and righted himself, finally dropping between Lou and Ted.

  “Have another shot,” Jimbo said to Ted, who readily agreed.

  “He’s beautiful,” Nando muttered to Jimbo as they watched the other two men feast on Bryan, whose head was dropped back, his golden brown eyes staring at them hazily.

  “It’s obscene,” Jimbo said.

  “He is legal, right?” Nando asked.

  “Just turned twenty-one.”

  Nando refilled his shot glass on Jimbo’s tray, took a lime and the salt, and moved to where Bryan’s head was dangling above the water. Leering down at Bryan, he said, “You want some nipple, too?”

  Bryan nodded as he groaned from the mouth action of Ted and Lou, his face red from hanging upside down.

  “Come on, let me hear you say you want Papi’s liquor nipple.”

  Bryan locked gazes with Nando. “I want it, Papi.”

  Nando weakened from the look and rolled his green eyes at Jimbo. He placed the lime in between Bryan’s teeth and held it in place as the smooth thick lips sucked on it. He sprinkled salt on his big brown nipple nub. He pulled out the lime and plopped it on the tray as he leaned over Bryan’s face and lowered his big round pec, the meaty flab over his muscle sagging a tiny bit. Bryan latched on to it.

  “Uhhh! My God!” Nando nearly slipped under the water as his pec became a pacifier. The hairs on his chest practically stood straight up at the severe stimulation.

  Jimbo began to laugh hysterically.

  “Feisty bitch!” Nando giggled himself.

  After one hard teeth-clenched tug, Bryan released the pec with a pop. Nando tilted the tequila so it could sink down Bryan’s throat. Bryan shook his head and breathed out from the heat of the liquor.

  “Come on. One more for Papi. Even the boys out.” Nando pointed to his neglected pec and started the process again. He fell into Bryan’s oral grasp again. “MOTHERFUCKER! Little BASTARD!”

  “Milk that tit!” Jimbo said.

  “Fuck you!” Nando barked at him, sighing when he was finally released. He quickly gave Bryan a second dose of tequila.

  “Okay, men,” Jimbo said. “Let’s not wear the boy out. There’s another drink he’s dying for you to try.”

  “Bring it on!” Lou said enthusiastically, his domed head sweaty with excitement.

  Lou and Ted brought Bryan carefully back upright. He then padded over to the bar.

  “What an ass on him.” Ted sounded mesmerized.

  “Funny you should mention that,” Jimbo said. “Bryan, it’s time for the shots in the ass.”

  “HUH?” Lou’s scruffily bearded face loosened in shock.

  Jimbo smiled conspiratorially. “You’ll see.”

  Bryan returned with an unlabeled bottle filled with a white substance…and a small, three-tier butt plug, already pre-lubed.

  “What’s this all about?” Nando smiled excitedly, wiping wetness off his goatee whiskers.

  “Gentlemen, the drinks are on me,” Bryan announced. He climbed onto the hot tub platform where towels, drinks, and other belongings were sitting, then got down on his knees and handed Jimbo the bottle and butt plug.

  “What’s he gonna…?” mild-mannered Ted began.

  Before he could finish, golden boy Bryan spun away from them on his knees and dropped to all fours, th
e solid roundness of his hairless, tanned buns splitting in two.

  “Good Lord!” Lou said and the others gasped as a rich golden-brown center, smooth and flawless with just a pencil-thin line for an asshole, was revealed.

  “I haven’t seen something that fresh and beautiful…” Nando muttered, almost to himself.

  “You ready for a felcher?” Jimbo asked.

  “Ewww!” Ted got squeamish.

  “It’s a shot, you goof,” Jimbo said. “You ready to serve, Bryan?”

  “Yes, sir,” Bryan said matter-of-factly from his doggy position.

  Jimbo sucked his cheeks and spat right into Bryan’s crack. The messy wad splattered all over the smooth area. Jimbo pushed the narrow head of the conical butt plug against the nearly invisible slit. “Nando, hold him apart for me.”

  “Gladly!” Nando grabbed a hunk of each muscular cheek and spread them, bringing the slit rising to the surface.

  Jimbo applied force on the hollow rubber four-inch butt plug and it popped right in. Bryan let out a howl, and his entire body jolted forward at the instant entry, his muscle buns squeezing together for a moment before relaxing.

  “How’s that feel?” Jimbo asked around the bend of Bryan’s ass.

  “Incredible,” Bryan said.

  “And how’s this feel?” Nando savagely yanked the under bands of the gold jockstrap, releasing them with a thwap.

  “UH!” Bryan cried. “Good, sir!”

  Ted grabbed Nando’s meaty, hairy shoulder. “Don’t mar the perfection, you barbarian!”

  The men took in the wonder of the tight ass, the base of a hollow flesh-toned butt plug sitting snugly between the cheeks, a hollow hole right in the center.

  Jimbo pressed down on the small of Bryan’s back. “Get that ass up in the air so I can fill ’er up.”

  Bryan dropped his upper body to the floor, and the bottom of the plug rose to the ceiling. Jimbo placed the spout of the bottle in the center hole and began to pour.

  “Fill it to the rim!” Lou said. “Get it? The rim?”

  The others guffawed at his bad joke.

  “Okay,” Jimbo said, withdrawing the bottle. “Nando, you wanna go first?”

  “Damn straight!” Nando said. “What do I do?”

  “Well, you just start suckin’ butt,” Jim stated flatly.

  “Come on, Papi. Suck my asshole,” Bryan growled at him.

  Nando clamped his big lips in between Bryan’s ass, wrapped them around the base of the plug, and sucked hard, his big man tits heaving. His brown complexion reddened, and he finally stumbled back.

  “Damn!” he said, steadying himself. “That tastes just like…”

  Jimbo smiled. “I know.”

  “It’s…not…is it?” Ted asked nervously.

  “You tell me.” Jimbo shook the spout of the bottle at Ted. Thick gobs of white fluid landed on his chest.

  “Eww!” Ted cried, rubbing the tip of his fingers in the substance and smelling it. Lou playfully pushed his hand, transferring some of the stuff from his finger to his nose and making Ted squeal, “It’s cum!”

  The others laughed at his horrified expression.

  “No worries, Teddy. Bryan here is a bartender and is working on a book of his own unique recipes. He’s brilliant,” Jimbo said.

  “Yeah, but…what’s in it?” Ted was still unsure.

  “You’ll have to buy the book,” Lou cut in. “Now let me get a taste of that.” He swished his bearish body through the water to Bryan’s ass as Jimbo refilled the butt plug. He grabbed a chunk of cheek between his teeth and nibbled, releasing it with a pop. His teeth marks glistened with spittle. “Sorry, golden boy. That tequila got to my head a little.”

  “Shut up and felch me!” Bryan said from his facedown position.

  The others laughed uproariously at Bryan’s brazen youth.

  Lou locked lips with Bryan’s derriere, sucking so hard his puffy cheeks caved in and his eyes bulged. When he released, there was white goo dripping from his lips and smearing into his beard. He coughed and fell backward, crash landing with a splash in his original seat. He held his hands to his temples. “Jeez! My fucking head!”

  “Not as easy as it looks, is it?” Jimbo smirked. “How’d it taste?”

  “Bitter…slightly sour…you know…”

  “You up for it?” Nando asked Ted. “Because if not, I’m going again.”

  “Yeah. I’m up.” Ted moved into position as Jimbo racked up another. Ted tenderly positioned his mouth and sucked firmly but gently, taking his time.

  “Would you like a straw?” Lou busted on the demure sucker.

  Nando took the bottle from Jimbo and leaned over to where Bryan had one cheek pressed against the surface of the platform, his eyes closed as Jimbo’s abrasive five o’clock shadow brushed against his ass crack.

  “You feeling left out?” Nando asked.

  Bryan opened his eyes and their intense gazes locked. “I wanna swallow it.”

  Nando fed him the bottle spout; he voluntarily gobbled down the whole neck. “Sweet little white mouth.”

  “Okay! Stop! You’re going to get him trashed! And he has work to do!” Jimbo scolded. He retrieved the bottle. “Jeez! Look how much you gave him!”

  Nando laughed. “He loves it!”

  “My turn,” Jimbo said, still looking with annoyance at Nando. He got over it quick once his face was smothered in Bryan’s golden globes.

  And then they all went in for sloppy seconds.

  “This is so gross,” Ted said as he grabbed Bryan’s two cheeks and delved in for his second felcher.

  “Guys, this stuff’s going straight to my head,” Lou sputtered, his head falling lazily back against the lip of the tub as he nestled in his seat.

  “Okay. Moving on,” Jimbo said after finishing his second felcher. He grabbed the base of the butt plug to remove it.

  “No. Leave it in,” Bryan requested. “I like it.”

  “I love this boy,” Nando said drunkenly.

  Bryan worked his way into the hot tub and moved right to the center.

  “I want all your asses bent over the side of this tub. It’s my turn to suck some hole.”

  There was a near collision as the big burly men dove for the wall. Within moments, a semicircle of derrieres of various sizes was shining upon Bryan.

  “Nice asses!” Bryan marveled. There was an echoing slap of palm on wet cheek as he impulsively lashed out at Lou’s big, boxy, white bear butt. Lou yelped.

  “You love it!” Nando said then let out a yip of his own as his hide, covered in kinky black curls, met the same fate.

  “Anyone else got something to say?” Bryan asked sternly.

  “Lick my ass.” Jimbo chanced it. His tight muscular butt, silky with a layer of salt-and-pepper hair, was introduced to Bryan’s palm. “UH!”

  “You like that, don’tcha?” Bryan rubbed the firm flesh. “You got a gorgeous ass.”

  Jimbo arched his back, revealing deep dimples in the sides of his glutes. The definition of his body was even more pronounced in this position. Bryan pulled the cheeks apart and blew into the wet hair patch. Goose bumps broke out on Jimbo’s buns. Bryan’s fingers sifted through the tangle until he found the pink beneath. He blew on it. It contracted. He placed his tongue against it and flicked furiously.

  Jimbo sighed and his hips began to dance. Between his legs, a strand of precum shot down into the water.

  Bryan gently kissed the rim of Jimbo’s anus, which pursed like a set of lips returning the affection. One more lick then he moved on, bringing his hands down hard on the blubberish bubble of Nando’s buns and forcing them apart.

  “Maricón!” Nando growled through gritted teeth. “Oooooooooh!” he continued as his smooth and permanently swollen pucker felt the friction of Bryan’s miniscule facial whiskers and the gentle velvet of his tongue.

  Bryan licked him like he was licking the remnants from a bowl of ice cream. He grabbed hold of the wet kinks covering Nando’s perin
eum and tugged.

  “Eek!” the cartoon Schoolhouse Rock exclamation squeaked out of Nando’s mouth as he tensed his beefy butt, squishing Bryan’s face.

  Bryan sucked savagely, drawing the moisture out of Nando’s crack hairs. When he let the ravaged rim go, Nando panted like a mad dog.

  Ted’s ass was as perky, uptight, modest, and adorable as Ted himself. Bryan gently parted the slim cheeks and found a perfectly dilated slot surrounded by a faint frame of hair. He smoothly lapped at the slot, which dipped like a sinkhole, morphing into a perfect circle. Bryan entered that cavern with his tongue to tickle Ted’s insides.

  “That’s wonderful,” Ted stated politely. “Thank you.”

  “Yeesh! This isn’t afternoon tea! My turn,” Lou interrupted impatiently.

  Bryan faced a booty so pale and wide you could project both Star Wars trilogies on it—all at once. “Okay. Your turn, fat ass.”

  “Thank you for noticing,” Lou said proudly. With his knees on the tub seat, he wiggled his butt like gelatin. It truly looked as if he’d intentionally had cellulite injected into it. But it was one hundred percent pure pork.

  “Jeez. I can’t even find the fucking hole,” Bryan stammered, prying the pudge apart. The others heckled at his serious tone.

  “Let me help.” Lou reached back and pulled aside his thick hunks of hairless meat.

  Finally, Bryan spotted his goal. Lou had the cauliflower corn hole of the group. With an ass this big and juicy, it was no wonder. It was hard to imagine any guy was ever able to resist dipping into its warm depths. Bryan lapped at the strained creases of the pucker, which loosened quickly and popped up like a crater. There was only one way to satisfy this hole. He slipped two fingers into his mouth, coating them in spit, then, without warning, punctured the crater.

  “OH! Good Lord!” Lou howled. “This bitch just jammed his fingers in my ass!”

  “You want him to stop?” Jimbo asked from the other end of the ass line.

  “Course not!” Lou groaned loudly as Bryan’s drilling fingers made putty out of his pucker. “That tickles real good!”