Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  “Let’s not blow it too early,” Jimbo said. “Bryan, I think it’s time for the big reveal.”

  Everyone followed Jimbo’s lead and turned back into the tub. Bryan rested up against the wall across from them. Before he had even pulled down the gold jock, the men could see the “big” reveal. The bulge was stretching the crotch of the cloth to its limits and golden brown pubes were sticking out from the sides.

  “He’s…” Lou started.

  “…fuckin’…” Nando stammered.

  “…huge!” Ted stiffened.

  Bryan looked down his torso, his chiseled chin creating a streamline arrow through the cut crevasse of his square pecs, along the middle of his eight-pack, and into a field of groomed hair. Poking out from it was a salami-sized schlong, fully erect, but weighed down heavily by the density.

  Jimbo smiled broadly. “Unbelievable, right?”

  “It’s gotta be…” Ted began.

  “Eleven from stem to stern, eight around at the thickest part in the middle.” Jimbo gave them the stats.

  “Anyone want a taste?” Bryan asked, waving his hips back and forth so it would swing like a pendulum.

  “Let me get some of that,” Lou charged, tripping over the others’ legs in his haste.

  His bearded jaw popped as he tried to show off, impaling himself on it…and gagging at the seven-inch mark, his chubby cheeks puffing as he coughed into Bryan’s cock. Bryan smiled with an incredible sense of dominance.

  “Let me show you how it’s done.” Nando pushed Lou aside. His plump lips perfectly outlined the eight-inch circumference as the cock was fed into his mouth swiftly and steadily. His black goatee came to rest in the patch of gold pubes.

  “Holy shit!” Ted said.

  Nando’s green eyes were puppy-dog submissive as he looked upward and into Bryan’s downward gaze for approval.

  “You got it, Papi,” Bryan said.

  “But where the hell did it go?” Lou asked.

  “Look! It’s coming out his asshole!” Jimbo joked.

  Bryan grabbed the tight curls on Nando’s head and eased out of him until just the head was still in. Nando sucked hard on it. Bryan’s moans blended with the loud slurping sounds.

  “He is just stunning,” Ted said, taking in the tension in every cut and ripple of Bryan’s physique as he closed his eyes to enjoy the sensation.

  “Words don’t describe it,” Jimbo said.

  “Aaah…goin’ back in,” Bryan warned before pushing forward so Nando could relax the necessary muscles. “Great mouooouuuth!”

  Bryan was swallowed whole once more. He began to pump it. Nando’s jaw bounced up and down in time to accommodate.

  “Amazing,” Lou said. “There’s barely a tear in his eye.”

  Nando managed to smile around the mouthful and give them all a thumbs-up.

  “Okay, show-off!” Jimbo grabbed his shoulder. “Give me and Ted a chance.”

  “Heck no! I’m not even going to try that!” Ted waved it off.

  “Come on. We’ll do it together. You get one side, I get the other.” Jimbo reached out and took Ted’s hand.

  They stood at either of Bryan’s thighs and placed their lips on the shaft so their noses were touching. They slid sideways up the shaft, over the hill of the speed bump at the center, and then to the tip, where they both flicked their tongues over the head.

  “Sweeeeeeet!” Bryan groaned, steering them up and down the surface area of his cock by their heads.

  Finally, Jimbo turned to the others. “Hope you all douched like I told you.” He indeed had when he’d spoken to each man earlier in the day. And when Jimbo, who never joked about sex, told you to douche, you douched. The buddies all nodded. “Good. Cause we’re all going bottoms up for a single stud…just like we always wanted to.”

  Ted’s all-American features froze. “This is going to hurt! Did you have to get someone so big?”

  “Stop being such a baby!” Lou said. “We can do this! You’ve been taking it up the ass for years.”

  “Not half as often as you.” Ted stated the truth.

  “Maybe you need to be numbed a bit first,” Bryan said. He reached for the bottle of felcher alongside the tub, only a quarter full at this point, and proceeded to drizzle the thick liquid onto the top of his cock, giving the illusion that it was covered in cum.

  “I want each of you to lick me clean,” Bryan ordered. “Ted, since you’re being such a pussy about this,” the others pushed and poked Ted playfully, “you go first. We need you nice and inebriated.”

  Ted lapped at the liquid like a dog, his soft features tightening at the bittersweet flavor. Bryan loomed above him, crotch thrust forward, and took a swig from the bottle. He then pushed Ted away and slathered a second layer of felcher on his cock.

  “Fat ass. Show us what a pig you are,” Bryan said.

  Lou tried again to gulp the eleven inches in one shot. He was somewhat more successful this time. When he dismounted, the cock was clean.

  “Papi, you’re next. Even though you don’t need it, you whore,” Bryan barely had a chance to snarl before Nando was sucking the newly squirted felcher off him.

  Finally, Bryan covered his swollen head in a thick layer of felcher for Jimbo to swipe off with one quick circling of his mouth. Jimbo then snowballed the liquid back into his mouth.

  “Now. Are we ready?” Bryan asked again.

  “I’m…starting to feel a buzz again…but I think I need more time,” Ted said and the others all groaned angrily.

  “Hey!” Bryan towered above them—towering out in front of them, as well. “You’re all gonna take it, and you’re all gonna like it. Now hand me that lubricant and get your asses back over that tub.”

  Ted’s hands shook as he grabbed a bottle of lubricant from the platform and gave it to the young man as all four friends assumed the position. “Please! Just…don’t do me first.”

  “We’ll see…” Bryan trailed off mysteriously. “Jimbo, have you got the blindfolds?”

  “Blindfolds?” Lou asked as Jimbo dug under his nearby towel and pulled out four black sleep masks.

  “Put ’em on,” Bryan commanded. The men did as told.

  “Woo!” Lou cried out.

  “What?” Ted asked nervously.

  “He just juiced me with cold lube,” Lou said.

  “Oh!” Nando cried next.

  Jimbo sighed when the cold liquid was squirted into his fuzzy crack.

  “More! Please!” Ted whined after the first shot in his slot.

  After that, there was just the sound of Bryan treading the water.

  “What’s going on?” Ted whispered into the silence.

  “I think it’s going to be me.” Nando picked up on the whispering.

  “FUUUUUCK!” Lou squealed in shock.

  “Or maybe not,” Nando returned to his normal tone of voice.

  “Good! Lord! That! Hurts!” Lou yelped each word as its own individual exclamation.

  “Oh God…” Ted whimpered.

  “Uh! Ah! Uh! Uh! Fuck! Damn! Ouch!” Lou continued.

  “Did he just push it all the way in?” Nando asked the blindfolded darkness.

  Lou couldn’t answer. He was grunting with each forceful thrust. Then there was the loud thwaps of his ass cheeks being slapped.

  “Look at that shit jiggle, you fucking fat ass.” Bryan’s voice sounded cold and sinister. “You like this big cock up that donkey ass?”

  “Yes! Please! More! Ride! It!” Lou was begging. “Hey…where’d you go?”

  “Oh God…” Ted whimpered again into the attending silence.

  “Just don’t tense—aaahhhhh!” Nando’s advice was interrupted. “Holy fuck!” His voice raised two octaves. “All in one shot!” he warned the others before slipping into a rhythmic form of breathing. He knew all the techniques for getting a huge cock smoothly into any orifice. He finally wheezed, “It’s greeeeeaaaaaaaat!”

  “Are you just saying that?” Ted asked.

  �
��NoooooOOOOooooooo!” Nando jumped those octaves again.

  The bubbling tub and the steady rhythmic breathing from Nando lulled the others into a fall sense of security.

  “OOOOOOWWWWW!” A shriek shocked everyone’s system, shattering the soothing sounds.

  “Shhhhhh. Just relax and get used to it,” Bryan whispered.

  “How…?” Ted asked, completely confused that there was a dick in him when he could still hear Nando exhaling.

  Nando guffawed. “I fucked with you, man. To make you think he was still in me.”

  “It huuuuurts!” Ted wailed. “Take it OUT! It HURTS!”

  Instead, Bryan draped his body over Ted’s back, all eleven inches deeply packed.

  “It’ll open up for me. They always do,” Bryan whispered into Ted’s ear, then nibbled on it with warm moisture.

  “Uuuuuuuh,” Ted vocally released his inborn tension. “I love that.”

  “I know,” Bryan whispered before continuing the wet sucking on Ted’s erogenous zone. “Jimbo told me.”

  The sphincter muscles released inside Ted’s incredibly uptight ass. Bryan pushed off his long, broad back and pulled out halfway before pushing back in.

  “Uuuhhhnnn!” Ted cooed.

  “It’s good, right?” Bryan asked.

  “Yes. But go gentle, please,” Ted said.

  “You got it, big boy,” Bryan said. Slowly but surely, he expertly worked Ted’s insides, massaging them with his cock until they were completely loose and he could pull all the way out and thrust all the way back in, getting steady sighs from Ted. Finally, he withdrew. “Gotta move on, big boy.”

  Jimbo’s seductively sexy moans filled the room as Bryan took him. There wasn’t a single aspect of Jimbo’s being that wasn’t a turn-on to men. When he was having sex, there was never any complaining, and no overzealous response. It was just a natural high for him, and every ounce of joy could be heard (and usually seen) emitting from his soul.

  “Damn, I wish I could watch this right now,” Nando said.

  “No peeking,” Bryan said. “We’re going to play a game.”

  “Okay,” Nando said like a good bottom.

  “Oh!”

  “Uh!”

  “Damn!”

  “Fuck!”

  “Jeez!”

  “Shit!”

  The one-word exclamations came in a stream as the men experienced the unexpected. Bryan bounced from one stretched asshole to another randomly, thrusting all eleven inches in once and pulling out before jumping to the next hole.

  “Whoa!”

  “Wow!”

  “Aw!”

  “Gorgeous man asses, all of you,” Bryan said as he swiftly moved from one derriere to the next with a speed and agility only a young man could muster.

  “He’s amazing. OH!” Nando got nailed just as he was speaking.

  Bryan halted the game of musical asses. “You all wanna cum?”

  There was an affirmative chorus.

  “Okay. We’re going to do this hands off. I’ll go right down the line, starting with you, fat ass.” Bryan slipped inside Lou. “Just lay there and take whatever I dish out, don’t put your hands anywhere near your dick, and I promise you, you’re gonna cum.”

  Grabbing Lou’s fleshy hips, Bryan began a technique of sloping his meat into the damaged anus at a particular angle, starting with short quick thrusts, then pulling all the way out for deep, hard, targeted plunges back in.

  “Oh…wow…something’s happening!” Lou cried. “What are you doing to me? Good Lord! FUUUUCKKK!” He exploded, leaking loads into the hot tub, where it floated in conglomerating clumps, some finding his legs and clinging to his thigh hair. His body ended up completely flaccid over the tub, weak from the draining.

  “Papi, you’re up.” Bryan began the process all over again.

  Nando didn’t have time to go into his Zen breathing state. It took only about fifteen seconds before he was howling like a wolf, watery whiteness splashing into the bubbles. He dropped over the tub lip and gasped, “Unbelievable.”

  “Ready, Teddy?” Bryan asked.

  “Yeah!” Ted finally sounded enthusiastic.

  Short quick, short quick, short quick, short quick…long…and deep…long…and deep…puncturing that spot…making Ted’s eyes roll back. His entire body pulsed with incredible restraint as he released seemingly pre-measured shots of thick excitement into the growing cum bucket that was the tub. He nearly broke into soft sobs of euphoria as he at last let go of his final drop of retentiveness.

  “Now, Jimbo.” Bryan turned to the hunk of the house with the domes of death. “We’re gonna consummate this thing.”

  Bryan implanted himself between the tight, flexing glutes and worked with even more attentiveness than he had the others, prolonging the build up with his wielding instead of rushing his bottom to climax. Every time Jimbo was about to peak, Bryan would hold back.

  “Please…it’s too good…I can’t hold it anymore…” Jimbo begged for mercy from the taunting.

  Bryan brought him to the point. Jimbo gasped and moaned passionately. Bryan reached a hand between Jimbo’s legs, caught the expulsion, gulped it out of his cupped palm, then leaned onto Jimbo’s back, still inside him, and shared a real snowball. When he removed himself from Jimbo, he looked at the line of men flopped over the tub wall, completely spent, their ass cheeks stretched wide, revealing bright red, bruised, and gaping holes. In his mind, he commended himself on a job well done.

  “Okay, you’re all taken care of,” he said as the men struggled to right themselves. “Now I want you all to get me off and swallow my cum.” He placed his feet on the seats of the tub so he was hovering across the cum-filled water. His balls, barely layered in golden hair, swung between his parted thighs, glistening and dripping water. “Three of you stroke me off, and the other one work this butt plug in my ass. And I want all your mouths open.”

  Jaws dropped, mouths yawned. Jimbo, Nando, and Ted placed their hands around the lengthy shaft. Lou reached under Bryan’s crotch and found the bass of the butt plug still firmly in place. He yanked two-thirds of it out. Bryan grabbed the heads of Jimbo and Lou for balance and jutted his ass back to open it up. Lou thrust the plug in and out of him quickly as the other three men stroked forward and back in time.

  “That’s it, men!” Bryan gripped Lou and Jimbo’s heads tightly. “It’s gonna happen fast! Open those mouths!”

  Like baby birds in a nest, the men brought their yapping beaks forward.

  Bryan shot like a bullet from a gun. Thick, fast squirts jettisoned forward, and the three men controlling the stroking swung the cock from left to right to fill all mouths present. For the most part, the loads hit the mark, with only an occasional stray shot catching a cheek, chin, or nose.

  Bryan let out one long moan throughout the process, his teeth clamped together. His anus tightened and spat the butt plug out. It slipped from Lou’s hand and into an island of semen on the surface of the water.

  Bryan climbed down off his pedestal and passed kisses around, tasting himself on their tongues. “Thank you, men. This was great.”

  He received a round of thanks in return.

  “So, what are your rates? I think we’d all like to do this again.” Lou spoke for the gang.

  “Rates?” Bryan said. “You think I’m a whore? I’m in a relationship with an incredible man.”

  “What?” Nando asked. “Would he be okay with you doing this?”

  Jimbo moved into Bryan’s arms. “I’m absolutely fine with it.”

  Boy’s Daddies…

  “Hey, Kooky.” Scott greeted Tim with a big bear hug and a pet name.

  When the two had met through a mutual friend three years ago, the summer right before Tim began college, they had clicked immediately. Scott, more than a decade Tim’s senior, had been single, but Tim had been in a committed relationship with his high school sweetheart since day one of his young coming out.

  Tim was innocently flirty, had a rambunc
tious personality—due in part to the A.D.D. he chose not to have diagnosed or treated—and loved to get playfully under the skin of anyone who could handle his hyperactive nature. Scott’s thirty-four years of life experience, his time in the bear and leather scene, and his towering height, stern look, and throaty voice that clashed with his gentle temperament, easygoing ways, and heart of gold had awoken Tim’s curiosity, respect, and desire.

  Had their circumstances been different when they’d met, their relationship would have been as well. Neither had any problems with pushing the envelope, teasing and arousing the other with words and playful feel-ups. Theirs was an extremely physical platonic friendship.

  Now circumstances were different, but once again, not in favor of their slutty feelings for one another. Tim’s one and only relationship had come to an end recently. As it had been taking a downward turn, Scott had met Ken, his boyfriend for almost a year now. Other men could only imagine spying on them while they were in bed together—which spoke volumes to how perfect a package they were.

  Scott’s sparkling blue eyes were deeply set into his square cut features. He had short-cropped dirty blond / graying hair and sported a full, neatly trimmed beard. His barrel chest, thunder thighs, bulging stomach, and swelling back were more the results of laboring as a carpenter than actually going to the gym, and were covered in a thick layer of hair that was darker than that on his head.

  In contrast, Tim was a pretty cub. His dark looks were intense, his high cheekbones and dark eyes captivating. He usually sported metrosexual gold hoop earrings, slick spiked hair, and sleek clothes. Occasionally, he dabbled in his bear potential, throwing on jeans and a flannel shirt and sporting scruffy facial hair while close shaving his head, but one could still detect the fun-loving young soul hidden right beneath the manly surface. Because of his young age, the dark coat of body hair he sometimes exposed when wearing a tank surprised and delighted bear hunters.

  Scott placed a soft kiss on Tim’s lips—he was one of only a few people Tim would be so intimate with, usually turning the cheek to lip-obsessed acquaintances—and playfully pinched Tim’s nipples.

  “Aaah!” Tim giggled, pulling away and defending his pecs before saying, “I was hoping you’d do that.”