Funny Bone
Page 14
“Yeah. Squeal like my prize pig back home.” The Redneck smiled nastily, giving the big butt bouncing off his hips some hard whacks before pushing down on the flesh with his open palms to knead it like bread dough.
“Wee! Wee! Wee! This little piggy is having roast beef!” the White Trash Faggot hurrahed as he gyrated his fat ass all over the swollen cock, the movement of the foreskin packed in there tickling his insides good.
The Redneck snickered as he slapped both ass cheeks silly, leaving small pink handprints under the swirls of hair. “You ain’t no little piggy. You’re a big fat porker!”
The White Trash Faggot shot a look over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow that suggested the insults had gone too far, which made the Redneck freeze in mid-spank. But then the White Trash Faggot smiled piggishly and said, “Poke that porker good!”
The Redneck grinned back (amazingly, he still had all his teeth). He placed his hands flat on the juicy mounds, lifted off his knees so his erect body was at a forty-five-degree angle, and began to expertly grind just his hips to give the White Trash Faggot a good ride.
The beer was gushing out of The White Trash Faggot like a waterfall, pouring around the circumference of the cock that was poking savagely at his innards. His big hairy cheek (face cheek, that is) slapped against the floor, his eyes rolled back, and he began to drool all over the tiles. He was in too much ecstasy to form any words, so he just let out a long, even toned moan.
“I’m gonna cum, faggot ass,” the Redneck announced.
That broke the White Trash Faggot out of his trance. He pushed up off the floor to get the Redneck off of and out of his ass. As the Redneck stood up, whacking his meat furiously, the White Trash Faggot proved how spry even a three-hundred-pound guy can be and twirled around on one knee, lining his face up with the cock.
“Come on. Put the white in the white trash faggot.” He opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue. Within seconds, he was foaming at the mouth. And it wasn’t beer foam. He smiled as he hungrily made chewings movement with his mouth, licking his tongue wildly around the bearded circumference of his lips to get every last drop.
Breathing heavily as he milked the last remnants from his piss slit, the Redneck looked down at the White Trash Faggot and said, “You pigs’ll eat anything.”
The White Trash Faggot responded with a simple, “Oink oink.”
Chris & Jake: Wearing Fur on a Snowy Night
It was Friday night and I was getting ready for Jake’s arrival. Here it was, a year since we’d taken our friendship into the “bend friend” zone, and there was so much I still found hard to believe. I couldn’t believe he was straight, I couldn’t believe we were so comfortably traveling the friends-with-benefits road, I couldn’t believe he hadn’t found a new girlfriend yet, and I couldn’t believe I’d put any hopes of ever finding a boyfriend on hold for this. But that’s where we were at the night of the big blizzard.
Freshly showered, the new beard I was sporting freshly groomed (it made me feel more butch), Viagra popped, cock already hard (I wore it proudly these days when he came over), and dressed in just a T-shirt and some comfortable sweats (an excellent tool for the proud display), I answered my door.
It was always a treat seeing Jake out of his more conservative work clothes. He was wearing jeans, and under his thick suede coat, just a painted-on T-shirt of his own, his nipples visually voicing their opinion about the frigid outside temperatures. His face was bright red and coated in eight-o’clock shadow, his eyes glistened with icy tears, and he’d had his Caesar style hair buzzed around the sides to near baldness, drawing more attention to how square his head was shaped. Seriously, a real FILK: Frankenstein I’d Like to Fuck.
“Dude, it’s freezing out there, and the snow is starting to come down hard. I might be crashing on your couch tonight,” Jake said as moved into my living room, where I already had the Blu-ray player warmed up so we could watch a Jason Statham marathon. Yep, we had a shared love of Statham action films—for very different reasons.
“Not a prob,” I said, hanging his snowflake-covered coat on a stand in my entrance hall. “Sucks that it couldn’t have started this morning so work might have been closed.”
Jake was kicking off his shoes and making himself comfortable as always. “Yeah, but then we wouldn’t have gotten in your workout.”
“Yeah—drat,” I said sarcastically, which made him snicker. “You want something to drink?”
“I’ll just start with some of that natural fruit juice stuff if you’ve got any,” he said.
Of course I had it. I always had it. Ever since I’d seen him drinking it at work, I kept a bottle in my fridge for his visits. But it had been months all of a sudden since we’d had a chance to get together. I blamed the holidays. Either because our schedules were too busy, because we both felt guilty about booty calling during the family time of year, or a combination of both. I was so fricking horny at this point.
As I was hooking us up with drinks in my galley kitchen, Jake hopped his big monster muscle ass on my super clean kitchen counter. Not like he even cared that I scrubbed my place clean before his every visit, but I’d fucked him on that counter once. There was never any telling where we’d end up doing it, so I wanted every surface clean.
“So, we haven’t really had a chance to talk outside of work in the past few months,” Jake began. “I gotta tell you about my little cousin Robbie.”
“Oh yeah. He’s the one who like worships you. You taught him to drive and all that stuff, right?” I asked.
“Yeah. And we hang out a lot. Lift weights at the gym together. I call him my little cousin, but that damn kid is bigger than me at this point. So anyway, he just graduated college in the spring, wants to start his own contracting business, but for now he’s just doing handyman stuff to build a rep. So my aunt and uncle let him totally redo their garage and make it into his own apartment. So it’s like he has his own place, but he just pays them some rent, which helps with their bills and is a break for him until he gets his feet off the ground. You gotta see this place. The kid is brilliant at what he does. I mean, he does construction great, but his visions for design are amazing.”
I jokingly raised a suspicious eyebrow at Jake as I handed him a glass of juice.
“Yeah. I know. I’m getting to that,” he said, and now my interest was totally sparked. “So over the summer, I was in there helping him with the work like every weekend. I had a key to the garage at the time and just never remembered to give it back to him, right? So on Halloween, we were gonna go to this party at one of his college friend’s houses. He said we could score some hot young college pussy and all.”
“Nuts?” I asked, offering a bowl I’d just filled with a subliminal reminder of what he was going to be getting at the private party we were having here tonight.
He popped a few honey roasted nuts in his mouth and chomped away as he continued, “So I get to his place to pick him up a little early and I just let myself in with the key that I still had on my ring. I hear him in the shower and I find this fricking freaky demon mask on his kitchen table with horns and all. I guess he was going to bring it to the party. So I put it on and sneak into his bathroom, ready to scare the fuck out of him.”
“That is so mean,” I said, grabbing the bowl of nuts and my drink and steering the conversation into my living room. As Jake went to sit, I began, “Just make sure to—”
“Keep it on the coaster.” He raised the glass to me before taking a sip. “So, man, you are not going to believe this. I sneak up to the shower curtain, yank it aside, and, holy fuck, my giant little cousin is on all fours in the bathtub ramming a big fucking dildo up his ass!”
“You’re fucking kidding me,” I said, never expecting this story to have gone to this place.
“NO! Oh man. I’m already screaming ‘boo,’ he screams, looks up at me, goes like ghost white and tries to roll over on his side to hide the dildo in his ass.”
“What did you do?” I asked, com
pletely enthralled.
“I tried to help him up,” Jake said. “I was telling him it was okay, it was cool and all, but he was freaking out. He yelled at me to just get out. So I waited outside the door for a while, but he didn’t come out. Then I heard him crying in there. It broke my heart. I called through the door, asked to come in, but he had locked it. He told me to just go away, that he didn’t want to go to the party.”
“Wow. Is he okay now?” I asked, genuinely concerned.
“Yeah. Dude, I had to tell him about me,” Jake said.
“You DID?”
“Yeah. I mean, I didn’t give him details about us and stuff, but I told him that I like stuffing things in my ass, and gave him that whole explanation about the prostate in there like you told me, and I even told him I’m cool with him either way if he likes guys or just wants a girl to peg him every once in a while. I told him that’s what I’m looking for myself.”
“You’re a good guy,” I said as I unconsciously began to load a movie into the Blu-ray player.
“He’s my cousin. I love him. You know, whatever his deal is really doesn’t matter to me, and I don’t want him to do anything, you know, like all them stories about the kids who don’t know how to deal with it…” Jake’s voice fell off.
“Well, whatever his deal is, you’re going to make a huge difference in helping him get through it,” I said reassuringly, sitting back down.
“Oh yeah. I’m there for him. We talk now about deeper stuff. He’s still not sure what he’s into. You know, kids are so much more into exploring their sexual feelings these days,” he said softly.
“But you think he might be gay?” I prodded.
“Yeah. I do. You know, I might be asking your opinion about stuff as he works it out.”
“Of course,” I said.
“Hell, maybe I should introduce him to you. You might just float his boat. Do you realize how jacked up your body is looking these days?”
“Yeah? You think so?” I looked down at my chest and arms. “I feel better.”
“Dude, you are getting ripped. Which means I gotta keep pushing you,” Jake warned me.
“Oh joy,” I said, grabbing the remote for my Blu-ray player and hitting play.
Jake began to laugh, mostly to himself.
“What’s so funny?” I asked, suddenly self-conscious.
“Sorry, man. I just thought about that first time I shoved my dick down your throat and you swallowed my load.”
Yeah. He said the first time. As much as it would have been nice to have at least been warned that morning in the gym dungeon at the office…from thereafter, he did warn me. Hey. I’m a forgiving guy.
I couldn’t help it. I giggled sheepishly.
“Dude. You couldn’t look anyone in the face the rest of the day,” he continued, practically falling into a knee-slap laugh.
“Or talk to them,” I said. “No matter how many times I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.”
Now Jake was rolling on my couch in hysterics, but managed to say, “I hope you threw that brush out!”
“Nah. I saved it and never washed it again,” I said with mock dreamy eyes, which got him laughing even more, which in turn made me laugh more.
When we finally calmed down, he looked at me very seriously. “Hey, Chris. I gotta tell you. I never had a friend like you before.”
“No doubt.” I tried to sound all straight ghetto or street or whatever the hell that language is. I must have gotten the message across, because he gave the side of my head a buddy shove with one hand.
“You know what I mean,” he said seriously. “You’re not like anyone I’ve ever hung out with before. We’re tight, you know?”
“Yeah. I know what you’re saying. I never really thought a straight guy could be so cool either.”
“Bro, that’s how I feel,” Jake said. “You’re just never what I really expected a gay guy would be like. You’re just a dude. You know?”
I knew exactly what he was talking about. He had typical preconceived queeny notions in his head. But, you know, it’s easy to forgive an ignorant straight guy who lets you stick your eight-inch cock up his ass on a semi-regular basis. Little did I know that this conversation was cementing a lifelong friendship…and that I would be best man at his wedding.
“Yo, dude,” I said, dropping my voice two octaves, “this bromance talk is getting all gay and shit.”
I got another shove to the head and he bellowed with laughter. “See, man? That’s what I’m talking about! You don’t take yourself all seriously.”
I changed tone. “I kind of do wanna say something serious. You know, I don’t want you to ever feel like this is a one-way situation we got going here.”
“Whattaya mean?” he asked.
“Like, if you ever wanna,” I knew I couldn’t use any gay terminology like “top me,” so I went for a simple, “fuck me instead.”
“Aw, hell no,” he said very matter-of-factly, but very respectfully. “I ain’t into that kind of stuff. Hairy man ass just doesn’t do it for me. But thanks for offering.”
While a silent “aw, shucks” was spoken in my head, I played it off externally as no biggie. “No biggie. Just thought I’d put it out there.”
“Yeah. I guess you know you’re gay when you can look at a hairy man hole and get a hard-on, huh?” he asked. “I know you guys are into that stuff. Oh, and speaking of, I think you’re probably going to be in heaven tonight.”
I was about to fuck this straight hunk, so that went without saying. So instead, I asked, “Why. What’s the deal?”
“Check this out.” Jake stood up and removed his T-shirt.
I tried to hide my approval, but I’m sure he probably saw my cock do a happy dance at the lap of my sweats. Before tonight, I’d had no idea Jake could grow hair on his body. And man, could he. A gorgeous brown coat swirled symmetrically over his muscles, making them look even more ripped than usual. Magnificent.
It took all my will to lift my chin off my chest to speak one word. “Wow.”
“I figured you’d like it.” He smiled, throwing his balled-up T-shirt onto a chair nearby. “Don’t think I don’t notice the types of guys you drool over when we watch these movies.”
“You got me,” I said, realizing he was blocking the television. We hadn’t yet paid a second of attention to the movie, and I really didn’t care.
“I just haven’t had the time to get waxed in months. And who even cares? Not like I’m trying to stay groomed for anyone since I’m single. I wouldn’t fricking get my hair ripped out at all if it wasn’t for women. They can get so anal about my goods being hairy.”
“Bet you stay warmer, too,” I said, trying not to stare at him since we were just “hanging out” right now and not in sex mode. It wasn’t like being with another gay guy, where you had this intense sexual flirtation right up to the moment you finally did it. With Jake it was like the moment just struck to get a cock crammed up his ass and then he was back to good old straight Jake.
“Wait till you see my ass.” He unbuckled his belt and yanked down his jeans.
The moment was clearly striking. He might not flirt with me, but he definitely knew how to put himself out there so I’d be raring to go. He had gone commando, and personally, I didn’t even need to see the hairy ass yet. His seven-incher was already swollen with anal anticipation, but for a change, it was poking out from a nice thick bush that crawled all over his balls as well. YAY! No more baby balls! How badly I wanted to suck that hairy cock and lick those hairy balls. But Jake wasn’t gay for stuff like that. He was a purely straight man…who just happened to love having his rectum wrecked.
He immediately turned around and I immediately wondered if I could talk him into letting me be his agent to get him into muscle bear porn. His huge ass was covered in hair—and it even stretched up the center of his lower back in what I called a tail trail.
“Wow. You’re hairier than me back there,” I said conversationally.
He bent over and yanked his muscular cheeks apart. Looked like I’d really have to dig for buried treasure tonight. Sooner than I thought.
“You wanna warm up that hairy ass?” he asked.
Much sooner than I thought.
He backed up next to the coffee table and brought his mounds toward my face. Jake was always horny when he came to visit me after his colonics, but tonight he was working really fast. I couldn’t help but wonder if his story about catching his cousin in the act had made him extra horny. It had gotten my attention, that’s for sure.
I breathed in. “You’re using Axe Fever Gel to shampoo back here, huh?”
“You kill me. I don’t know how the hell you figured that out,” he said with a laugh as he was essentially wrapping his hairy ass crack around my nose—so I don’t know how the hell he couldn’t figure out how I figured it out.
I placed my hands flat against his furry butt muscles and began feasting. I felt all his ass hairs tickling my tongue as I extended it in an effort to slink it through the forest in search of his hole. When he finally let out a quiet gasp, I knew my tongue had fallen into his bear trap. I fluttered it hungrily the way he likes it as my eyes strayed to the television screen. I was eating one hunk ass while watching another. Yeah. That was the heaven I’d been promised.
“Damn!” Jake planted his hands firmly on the carpet to hold himself steady. “You imagining that’s Statham’s ass back there? You’re going wild on it tonight.”
Busted.
I didn’t even offer a quip. I was voracious. I never would have expected Jake could be any more masculine, but the hair was indeed driving me insane. And he knew it.
“Guess you like when I don’t get waxed, huh?” His voice came from somewhere under his hairy balls. I can’t stress enough how hairy everything was.
“I’ll take this with my movie over a bowl of popcorn any day,” I panted as I came up for a quick gulp of air.