Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  “Well, you definitely need some butter. You got butter?” he asked, suddenly standing and denying me my snack.

  “Yeah. I got butter,” I said, knowing he was referring to “boy butter,” the stuff I use to lubricate his asshole. I kept a container and a couple of condoms within arm’s reach in every room of my place—because we’d fucked in all of them at this point.

  I leaned over to the end table next to my couch, opened the drawer in front, and pulled out the necessities. I turned back just in time to see Jake push my coffee table out of the way.

  “What are we doing?” I asked as I took off my sweats and slipped on a condom as casually as if I was fixing him a drink. Little did I know I sort of would be serving him a “drink” in a short time.

  “We’re gonna give you a bit of a workout while you fuck me,” Jake explained.

  “We can do them both at once and you just tell me now?” I raised an eyebrow. “You could have motivated me months ago.”

  “This is going to test just how agile and strong you are,” he said.

  Before I knew it, he dropped his beefy back onto my couch, rolled it off the side of the cushions until his head was on my carpet, and then kicked his tree trunk legs over until his toes were touching the carpet next to his ears. And there it was: his big crotch bush up in the air.

  “Slap some butter in there, warm me up, and then start doing pushups,” he instructed.

  For a straight guy, he was so good at bad gay porn dialogue.

  I actually got on the couch and threw one leg over his skyward ass until I was seated with his crotch looking up at me. I dipped a finger in some boy butter, then marinated his puckering asshole with just a gentle fingertip stroke. He moaned with pleasure and his now seasoned hole pulsated. I slipped my index finger right in. His new carpet felt great.

  “OH!” he groaned. “That’s good, Chris. Fuck me like that a bit. It’s been a while.”

  “I can feel it. You’re pretty tight,” I noted as I began to slowly twist my finger around his insides, gently pushing against the walls to get a little stretching action going on. He barked out a guttural response when my finger pushed against his prostate.

  “I’m ready,” he said breathlessly, a sure sign that he was addicted to dick. I’d barely warmed up anything.

  “Okay.” I stood, now crotch-to-crotch with him.

  I took a moment to figure out the logistics of this. Finally, I got onto my couch and kneeled in front of his ass and scrotum afro, hoping that he’d keep the retro look for a while. I carefully leaned forward, momentarily sure I was going to topple onto him as I descended because the floor was much farther down than I’d expected. He put his hands up and against my chest to hold me there while I positioned my cock against his ass bush. I self-consciously tightened my pecs, and was happy to note that they felt really hard in his hands. I finally dropped my pelvis weight down—and slipped right into him.

  “Whooooa!” he gasped as eight inches sank right in and his crotch mop met mine.

  I quickly stretched my arms down and placed my hands on the floor above his head to hold myself up. I was now looking right down at him in what I feared was an awkwardly intimate position for us. I was shocked when his eyes gleamed and he smiled.

  “Now do pushups into my ass,” he instructed. Seriously, his facial expression didn’t say “fuck me.” It said, “I’m gonna work those muscles to exhaustion.”

  I practically shot my load right there. We’d never stared each other in the face so intently during intercourse. And I wasn’t ready to hold it for too long. So I brought my head up and looked at the television screen as I did just as he told, mostly holding myself up with my arms and letting my groin do the work. I seriously worked it. I felt so much better about my body and my physical wellness. I pounced up and down with little effort, although my arms were burning. I didn’t care. Jake was whimpering within moments, so I knew my hard work was paying off.

  “Chris! That’s goooooood!” he growled with that constipated tone that drove me nuts.

  I smiled at the television screen and Jason Statham’s stunning body. It was getting me all hot and bothered. I got lost in the moment and went for the total objectification, which I’d never done with Jake before, muttering the words, “That tight hairy ass feels so good around my dick.”

  I know it had to be pure coincidence that my dirty talk was followed by the words, “Chris! I’m gonna cum!”

  That was fast. It really had been a long time. I was so glad the blizzard would be forcing him to stay the night. We definitely needed to do this again before morning.

  I looked down at Jake’s face. His body was folded in half beneath me as he jerked off. I decided to use a trick I had discovered drives him wild during the course of our numerous encounters. I began to lift my groin all the way up and slam it down in half time, my cock nearly popping out of his ass every time before plunging back in. The slowed stimulation was a surefire way to get him to fire for sure.

  There it went. It was more than I could have hoped for. See, the thing is, Jake had that open-mouthed “I’m about to cum” expression on his face. His dick was pointed straight down. It was inevitable. His burst of white shot right into his mouth. Clearly, he hadn’t fully thought things through.

  The sight of it and his asshole spasm made me have to cum. As a result, as I was pulling out in the midst of my thrusting technique, his asshole clutched the condom tightly. My dick came out naked, the end of the condom just hanging out of his bush. On coming back for a landing, my cock was rejected by his sealed pucker. My cockhead was redirected over his perineum as my load gushed forth…

  Jake’s eyes were closed and he was too busy crying out in ecstasy at first to fully comprehend that there was a whole lot more cum than he could produce on his own splattering into his mouth. When he finally opened his eyes, I said the only thing I could think as I convulsed with pleasure. “I’m sorry!”

  My fatigued arms were too weak for me to push off of him in a way that would not cause harm to either of us, so I just had to let it happen. The whole time, I couldn’t stop myself from staring directly into his simultaneously relaxed and confused eyes.

  But man, was Jake a trouper. As the final bursts of my load splashed onto his cheeks and chin, he simply closed his mouth…and swallowed.

  I quickly pushed myself to the side and rolled over his body, using my elbows on the floor and feet on the couch to bring myself down onto my back as gracefully as possible, until I was finally lying right beside him. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m good.” He nodded, his arms dropping lazily to his sides. The froggy strain in his voice made it quite clear that his throat was nicely coated.

  I quickly sprang off the floor and stood. Before he even had a chance to dismount from his position against the side of my couch, I reached over to his asshole and yanked out the rubber with a snap. “It got stuck in your ass.”

  If there was going to be any tension, that move broke it. We both started cracking up. He rolled out of position and wriggled on the floor with laughter as I dropped to my knees and did the same, flinging the condom at him with adolescent vigor.

  First and Foreskin

  Answering the questions being fired at me was difficult because Reno, the man doing the asking, was a towering, massively built Latin man with a buzz cut, ominous goatee, and piercing, deep-set black eyes. And I’d thought my pumped-up body would be enough to intimidate any patrons of the dance club where the interview was being held.

  “Now. You got these little pussy boys coming in here every night thinking they rule the place and trying to impress the girls. This isn’t going to be a job where you just get to sit around looking good and listening to music while checking everybody out. There’ll be plenty of confrontations every time you’re here. But you can’t take their shit personally. Do you think you can manage to bounce their asses outta here without wanting to break their necks because they call you ‘asshole’ or ‘fuck face’?”

/>   Under the spell of his deep bass, I had to snap out of it as the higher-pitched intonation at the end of his sentence signified a question. “Uh…yeah. Yeah. No problem.”

  I would have agreed to anything he said. I needed this job. Especially if Reno was going to be my boss. He looked so rough in his golden yellow work boots, tight tan khakis…and that tee…

  “I got something on my shirt?”

  “What?” I dragged my eyes away from his pecs, which were the size of frying pans, and obviously just as solid.

  He rubbed his hand down the center of his tight black T-shirt as if to brush off lint. His giant man-cleavage was fractured by blazing white letters that said, “Don’t make me bounce that ass.” “You’re looking at my body. You gotta be able to look guys in the eyes if you’re gonna stand up to ’em. Can you do that?”

  “Hell, yeah,” I said, my eyes now darts targeting his dark irises to prove it.

  “And what if some guy says he wants to fuck you?”

  “Huh?”

  “Stud like you, you’re going to get a lot of propositions from the clientele. And a lot of them are going to be guys. You going to beat the shit out of them just ’cause they’re fags?”

  I played straight. “No…no. I got no problem with homos. They’re good people.”

  “Good to hear that. So. How bad do you want this job?” Reno lifted himself from the bar stool and moved menacingly up to me. His crotch, bulging in his painted-on khakis, was only inches away from my mouth. Clearly, I didn’t play straight too convincingly.

  “Badly enough to let you bounce my ass to get it,” I said, looking up from my bar stool and poking the phrase on his chest with one finger—the tip intentionally scratching against one of his nipples. This was the moment when I proved whether I was man enough to meet the challenge.

  He grabbed the back of my head and smashed my face against his crotch. “Suck my cock.”

  An earlier thought I’d had that he was probably a steroid head with no dick was about to be proven wrong by a good tonsillectomy. I was really about to eat my words, amongst other things. There was a huge rod swelling in those khakis. I sucked on the material stretched across it. The heat rising underneath nearly scalded my lips. I couldn’t wait. I needed that cock. I unzipped him to discover he was without underwear. His monster dick spilled out, slamming me in the nose.

  I had never been with an uncut man before, and I had to move back to get a better glimpse at it, as well as to catch my wits. I always thought it was a bit repulsive, what with all the bedtime horror stories whispered about “cheese dogs” by those who had never even experienced one up close, but suddenly it didn’t matter. It was actually an untried aphrodisiac. His hood-covered cockhead was a symbol of power—it was the Emperor and I was about to be turned to the dark side. I felt his untamed manhood beckoning me to get raw. I gulped down his burning, dark brown flesh, gagging myself in the process. He used his massive, tattooed arms (with a cliché crown of thorns circling each bicep—but Christ Almighty, he wore them well) to impale me on his tool. His foreskin followed my mouth up and down on his shaft. I could taste the intensified manliness in each fold of his bonus skin. My glands were spilling saliva all over his cock. I stopped finally at the head and drew just the loose skin into my mouth, holding it there by placing my tongue into the center, in search of his cock tip. He moaned gutturally, and I looked up at him while I sucked and licked his banana peel. My own cock was throbbing in my tight jeans, so I undid my pants to give it breathing room.

  I stroked myself off while listening to him spewing forth a stream of Spanish. I had no idea what the fuck he was saying, but the heavy breathing convinced me it was extremely suggestive and maybe even derogatory, which just sent more streams of lubricating precum from my cock. I gazed at his beautiful dick for a moment, the huge vein running along the top of his shaft perfectly outlined under the curtain of skin covering it. I used my hand to roll back his excess tissue and sucked on his naked shaft. I immediately missed the feel of the loose flesh moving over my tongue so I rolled it back down like I was encasing sausage…which I kind of was…and continued sucking.

  Then he was taking away my first taste of foreskin, leaving my palate longing to have that musky treasure back. I was still on my knees stroking off when he grabbed me roughly by the chin and said, “Eat my ass, you fucking faggot lover.”

  I know, I know. I should have pushed him away right then and berated him for using the “f” word and not given in to the degradation. I’ll donate my first paycheck as a bouncer to the Human Rights Campaign as penance.

  He yanked his khakis to his knees and dropped over a nearby bar stool. Two huge, dark-toned mounds were in front of me. My cock throbbed at the sight of his uniform skin color. The guys I had been with all had bright white butts highlighted by tanned backs and legs. Reno was naturally pigmented. He squatted lower, arching his back so that his ass crack would unzip. The shadowy area surrounding his taut asshole was an unshaved frame of black hair. I realized that for a change I was the passive one, for, being as big as I am, I am always the aggressor. Feeling a need to regain my dominance, I loudly slapped each ass cheek.

  His tattooed arm reached around, found the back of my head, and pulled it into his tight crevasse. “Eat it, you fucker!”

  My tongue lashed out and discovered that his pucker was extremely resistant. He had to be a virgin. I forced my way inside with a great deal of effort. Reno burst out with a new array of Spanish vocabulary. His huge buttocks bounced against my face as he rode me. I lapped up the tangy flavor, nuzzling my nose into his black carpet. How I wanted to fuck his Latin ass. But I knew he needed to be loosened up, so I sank my teeth into his purplish-pink anal flesh, sucking the nerve endings to the surface and pushing more Spanish profanity from his mouth.

  “Maldito! That’s right. Stroke my cock while you suck my ass and lick my balls!” Reno commanded.

  I wrapped one hand around his elephant trunk, sliding that wonderful fleshy tube up and down the length of his cock as I went wild on his hole. Then I let his foreskin dangle and flicked it with the tip of my licker before slurping up the back of his shaft, circling my tongue around his fuzzy balls and back into his pucker. His howling foreign profanities led me to do it again and again, pausing each time to get a glimpse of that beautiful package: dimpled bowling ball cheeks, straining hamstrings, swinging ball sack, and wrapped sausage.

  “Hijo de puta!” he groaned, using his own hands to part his ass so I could get in deeper. “That ain’t no Jersey Shore Italian ass you eatin’. That’s one hundred percent pure third generation off the boat Latino.”

  I could still taste him on my breath when he stood up, turned around, and stripped me (emphasis on the “ripped”), and then tucked me under one arm. He carried me across the dance floor to a raised platform with a thick Plexiglas surface protecting a mirrored floor, nearly tripping due to his khaki penguin situation.

  “Get down there and let me see that tight ass!”

  I was suddenly concerned that I was surrendering to the passive position once again. My fuck hole was just as tight as his, and I feared he might think he was going to get in there with that overly formed manhood. But I quickly forgot about that when his goatee began to tickle and scratch my orifice as he savagely assaulted it with his mouth. The follicles on my hairy ass clung to his whiskers, causing a stingingly pleasant sensation as he ravaged me. My muscular legs and arms quivered with excitement and a huge string of precum slinked from my dick slit. I watched it reflected in the mirrored floor beneath me as it became a puddle. Reno’s hulking form between my legs and his gorgeous face embedded in my ass kept the pre-jism spilling.

  One second he was vigorously slobbering all over my ass crack and then he was gone. Through the reflection, I saw him spit in his hand and polish his pole with it, making his foreskin sparkle.

  “Wait. I’m a virgin!” I barked, trying to lift myself up, to flee his fire-breathing dragon.

  “Not.” I cou
ld hear Reno’s grin as he forced himself swiftly inside me.

  “Fuuuuuck!” I belted, squeezing my eyes shut, a vein popping on my forehead as he, seeming not to care how it affected me, drilled himself all the way in with one push.

  “Shhhhh. It’s like diving into cold water. You gotta do it all at once,” he crooned.

  “You’re fucking killing me!” I cried, dropping my head into my arms, relinquishing as he punctured me endlessly. My innards tried desperately to protest.

  “You wanna be a bouncer?” he asked. “You gotta learn how to be bounced on.”

  “Give it to me, you son of a bitch!” I bellowed.

  “Yeah?” Reno’s fist came smashing down on my left buttock and the pain was unbelievable, causing me to yelp. “You need to know how to absorb a hit!”

  This time I was ready for it and reveled in the feel of his rough knuckles as they came down on my right cheek, giving me a matching crimson pair. “That’s right! Punch my ass.”

  “Chingar! You got the tightest motherfuckin’ hairy ass. You little fuckin’ virgin,” Reno growled as he screwed me for the sheer pleasure of it, regardless of whether or not I was getting any joy from it.

  I wiggled my ass and bounced it back against his thighs to help add to the throb in my rectum. Then I saw the reflection in the floor of his huge cock splitting me in two. It was unreal. How the fuck was that huge thing getting inside me? In and out. In and out. In and out. I could even see his thick hood bunching up at the base of his dick, not able to hop on board for his cock’s ride inside on account of the tightness of my asshole. I felt totally detached from myself as I watched, as if I wasn’t the one experiencing this incredible torture.

  “Oh damn! That looks so fucking hot!” I panted.

  “Yeah. You like to watch my huge piece tearing you up, don’t ya?”

  “Yeah! Bounce my ass!” I stole the quote from his tee faster than a social network friend stealing an awesome meme you just posted.