Letting Go

by Mary Beth Lee

  A faint memory of John’s safe arms wrapping her tight played in her mind, and if she closed her eyes, she could barely, just barely, smell the spicy scent of his aftershave. And if she focused on that, she could forget the yearning deep in her belly, the tiny fissure in her chest when first Delia and then the baby, the sweet, sweet baby Dani, threw herself into her arms.

  Why? Why was life so unfair? God why? And why was she so ridiculously angry with a man who was so giving? It wasn’t his fault.

  “Well, are you?” Anna’s voice anchored her in the present, and Cass grabbed onto its anger and its force with all she had, pushing those other thoughts, those empty thoughts, away.

  “Yes. Of course I’m staying. Why would I leave when I just got here?”

  Anna wasn’t going to let it drop. “Oh, I don’t know. Eighteen years kind of makes you wonder. Besides you’ve got your life in Kansas. I’d understand if you left.”

  Her life. She almost laughed. Instead she turned her remorse onto her sister.

  “Do you want me to go, Anna? Is that what this is? You call me, demanding I drop everything and come here right away. And now you invite me to pack my bags right up and go on back to Kansas?”

  “So much for we’re a great big family.”

  “This isn’t a TV show, Anna.”

  Anna rolled her eyes the same way Justine had at supper. Cass figured she’d probably stomp back to her room if they weren’t too old for that nonsense.

  “I know it’s not a TV show, Cass. I just needed to know if you were staying or going. I needed to figure out…”

  Like Anna ever figured out anything first? “Figure out what exactly?”

  “It’s not some crazy out of the blue question, Cass. You stayed gone for eighteen years. And yes, we’ve seen you, but you haven’t been here. Here with us. I just needed to know. My kids need to know. Momma needs to know. I’m not going to apologize for asking.”

  And with that Anna was done.

  Cass could see the words so there or the end tacked on for good measure, and she knew Anna had every right in the world to ask the question.

  “I don’t want you to apologize,” Cass said, looking away, awash with guilt for not being here sooner.

  Anna sat back in the corner of the couch and crossed her arms over her chest, her bleach blonde hair just as harsh as the rest of her. “Good. I wasn’t going to.”

  This could last all night if she let it, so Cass purposefully changed the subject. “I’m glad Momma got up.”

  Anna nodded, sinking deeper into the arm of the couch. “Yeah. She just needs something… I guess she just needed you.”

  Cass thought about saying faith or God or peace. But the hypocrisy of those words taunted her, so she settled for a different word altogether. “Family,” she said. “She just needs her family. She’ll be okay.”

  She always had been before. It was just a spell. The excuse from ages past echoed in Cass’s mind.

  Anna clicked the volume on the television up, obviously done with the conversation. “Yeah. She’ll be fine now.”

  But she didn’t sound all that convinced. There was nothing they could do about it, so Cass didn’t figure they needed to talk about it.

  At least the anger that struck out of nowhere and everywhere all at the same time had sucked back up into whatever black hole it stayed hidden in.

  Cass wanted to go back to the computer. To lose herself in mindless e-mails and message boards.

  But she needed to talk to her sister. No, she needed her sister completely. Not just words. She needed some of Anna’s determination. Her stubbornness. Her refusal to back down.

  On the television a get rich quick infomercial actor told her to call this number now to start on a life of dreams come true.

  She wished life were as easy as calling an 800 number.

  “You going to call John?”

  Cass blinked at how astute her sister was.

  “Hmm?” She pretended not to have heard.

  “Your husband. The good reverend. You going to call him? It’s getting late.”

  As if to accentuate her sister’s words the grandfather clock chimed. Boom. Boom. Boom.

  She’d always hated that clock and its dark chimes sounding like the old radio mysteries’ foreshadowing of evil yet to come. All it needed was the high-pitched scream at the end. Maybe some organ chords.

  Boom. Boom. Boom.

  I can guarantee you’ll see results.

  Yachts. Planes. BMWs. Life summed up in one big wad of cash.

  Boom. Boom. Boom.

  “Hel-lo. Cass.”

  Money back if you’re not satisfied.

  Boom. Boom. Boom.

  Cass blinked as the clock finished its midnight serenade and looked at her sister who was giving her the crazy eye. “It’s an infomercial, Cass.”

  It was easier to let Anna really think she was actually paying attention to the TV.

  “You’re right. It’s late. I better go call.”

  Cass practically ran from the room before Anna asked something else. Before she saw too much.

  Grabbing her cell, she punched in the number. She should’ve called earlier. But she’d put it off. Cass, the runner. Avoidance was a mainstay in her life. After three rings John finally picked up.

  “Hey there, sweet lady.”

  He’d been asleep. She could hear it in the sexy rumble of his deep voice. She closed her eyes and wished for everything—even though it was impossible.

  “I just wanted you to know I made it. Sorry I woke you up.”

  He laughed, and she envisioned his voice smoothing over all her hurts, all her inadequacies. “You don’t have to be sorry, Cass. How’s Anna?”

  Cass ran her hand over the pink and white stripes of the quilt that covered her bed. It matched the wallpaper in her room.

  Eighteen years and Momma hadn’t changed it a bit.

  “She’s good. A little hard. Still stubborn. The girls are beautiful. Delia’s something else. I don’t think Justine likes me much.” Her voice broke as her throat tightened, and she was surprised by how bad she wanted to cry.

  “Justine’s been through tough stuff for a little girl. Give her time, Cass. She’ll see you love her.”

  This man was so perfect. So gentle. But she was so tired of sharing him. Or sharing herself. Of pretending. What was wrong with her? She swallowed the grief of question screaming through her mind. She couldn’t compete anymore. Not with the church and the parishioners and his life and, worst of all, his God.

  She didn’t say any of that, though. She couldn’t. “The baby’s not so much a baby now.”

  “They grow up fast,” he said gently, and she knew what he was thinking. Knew he was hurting, too.

  Cass’s heart hurt at the thought. It wasn’t fair. But she’d made her choices, and she had to live with them.

  “Momma got up. She ate with us,” she said focusing on the positive. On the thing he’d understand. He’d heard the stories about her mother’s depressed jags, and he’d said on more than one occasion Cass should go to Standridge for a visit.

  “You did the right thing then.”

  Cass wasn’t so sure she knew what the right thing was anymore.

  “It’s late, so I guess I’ll let you go back to bed. Sorry I didn’t call earlier.”

  “It’s okay. I told you. I love you, Cass.”

  Cass swallowed the hurt that was all balled up in her throat. “I love you, too.”

  She clicked the off button on her phone and buried her head in her pillow with its threadbare pillowcase. Hot tears flowed freely. She did love him. She did love him so much. He was so perfect. So wonderful. Just. So. Everything.

  And she, she was just so lost.

  *****

  Man. Cass was totally weirded out about something. You didn’t have to live with someone year round to know that.

  Anna clicked the TV off and sat in the dark living room listening to the soft hum of the air conditioner and refriger
ator. Waiting.

  She didn’t know what for really. Sometimes Dani woke up with soft baby cries that would grow into big baby squalls if she didn’t get there fast enough. Or Delia would need a drink or have to go potty. Or Justine’d just want to lie on the couch and let Anna brush her hair over and over until they both forgot the hell they’d lived through.

  The state appointed therapist said Justine would be okay. Kids were resilient. They bounced back from trauma.

  That might be true. But Justine’s bounce had been a long way off what she’d been before. Before the hospital. Before Child Protective Services.

  She’d bounced straight from five to twenty-five, and she wasn’t looking backwards.

  Cass didn’t know.

  Somehow they’d kept the full truth from her.

  Anna laughed to herself. Somehow nothing.

  It was easy. Cass stayed away. And a kid getting beat half to death wasn’t the stuff for national news. Not even when that kid was the biggest hero her mother ever knew.

  So Cass was clueless for the most part, and Justine was recovered for the most part. That left her where exactly?

  Limbo? On the margin? Apart? Anna didn’t know.

  She picked up her worn copy of A Street Car Named Desire and smiled. Ol’ Blanche didn’t know either, did she? Sometimes Anna felt a kindred spirit to the worn out women of American literature. Sometimes she just thought they were quitters. But not ol’ Blanche. She was crazy as a loon, but she was no quitter.

  Anna looked at the clock. She could spare a few minutes. And then she had to go to bed and face the nightmares.

  Maybe Cass being here would chase the bad dreams away. It’d be a miracle, but then miracles seemed to happen when Cass was around. God smiling on His chosen one.

  She’d just keep telling herself she didn’t mind that a bit. Not one little bit.

  *****

  Cass woke to bright morning sunshine pouring in through yellowed curtains and the distinct smell of coffee and fruit.

  She closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into the softness of a pillow she hadn’t slept on since the night she left town so long ago.

  Let the past go.

  God, it was so much easier to think the words, to even say them, than it was to actually do it.

  She’d been trying for years, even fooled herself into believing she’d done it a few times. She’d be happily going along about her business when wham, it’d hit her in that place between her heart and diaphragm that left her breathless and wanting and hurting and knowing. Ugh. Stupid, stupid, stupid. If she could just get back the time she’d wasted on things she couldn’t change.

  That mysterious fruit smell needed investigating.

  She slipped her feet into her white slippers and wrapped the monogrammed terry robe around her waist then headed down the hall to see what was up.

  The hall made her smile. There on the used-to-be-white walls were the photos of her life. First through twelfth, both her and Anna. And two of Justine. Kindergarten and second grade. She wondered where on earth first was. Momma never missed a picture.

  On the other side, photos through the ages of Momma, Anna and Cass. Playing. Singing. Laughing. And then photos of Anna, Justine, Delia and Dani. Same thing only years later. And then there were the photos of Cass and John. The wedding, where they looked so much in love. Of their fifth anniversary, young and hopeful. Tenth in Hawaii surrounded by water so blue it hurt to look at. Fifteenth. John’s laugh lines just starting to show. Goodness, she loved those lines.

  But she didn’t much love her lines. The worry ones on her forehead. The ones she’d just found on her neck, hands, and wrists. The ones caused by years of guilt.

  Blah. She shook her head. She was not going to stand in this hallway filling her mind with more regrets.

  She walked on down the hall and found Justine holding Dani in the rocking chair and Delia looking like she’d just won a double showcase on Price is Right. Some cartoon she’d never seen played on the television no one was watching.

  “See, Justine. I told you Auntie Cass was in the hallway,” Delia chanted.

  Good ol’ Justine rolled her eyes just like her momma. “Goody. For. You. We’ll just have to call you Encyclopedia Brown.”

  Delia launched herself into Cass’s arms while Killer set out attacking Cass’s big toe.

  “Good morning, Auntie,” Delia said. “Your robe is pretty and you smell good. Why’d you stay in the hallway so long? There’s nothin’ there but a bunch a’ silly pictures. They ain’t going nowhere.”

  How right she was. Cass hugged her tight and smiled at the truth in innocence. Delia was an angel.

  “Good morning to you, too.”

  She looked across to Justine. “You having fun with the baby?”

  Justine stared at her for a few seconds as if she weren’t quite sure how to answer and was measuring her words one by one to make sure they fit.

  “Momma made breakfast and is down at the 7-Eleven interviewing for a job. I let you sleep in ‘cause she said to. But if there was a problem, I would’ve woken you up.”

  Oh, there it was. Justine thought she’d have a problem with Anna leaving the baby for a little bit.

  “Of course you would’ve. I wasn’t worried about that at all.” She wondered why Anna hadn’t told her about the job interview. “Your momma tells me you’re on the straight-A honor roll.”

  Justine shrugged. “School’s easy. And it’s out in two weeks anyway.”

  “I’m going to school next year, Auntie.” Delia beamed as she tugged on Cass’s robe to get her attention.

  “Pre-K.” Justine pointed out with obvious derision.

  “Only cause my birthday’s late. Momma said.”

  Okay. This was going to disintegrate into a sister fight, and she had enough of that with Anna.

  “Speaking of Momma’s, has Gran been up this morning?” Cass asked.

  Both girls frowned. “Gran doesn’t get up ‘til later. Come eat.” Delia jumped up and tugged her hand.

  Cass pretended to be dragged into the kitchen by the little girl. “We’re going to have to enter you in the World Wrestling Federation, Delia.”

  That got a smile out of Justine.

  “I’m super strong cause I drink my milk,” Delia made a muscle, “but Justine’s stronger. Momma calls her a hero all the time.”

  Cass looked at the young girl sitting in the rocking chair playing Peek-A-Boo with her baby sister. Yep. She just bet Anna called Justine a hero. Looked like the little girl did an awful lot of the babysitting.

  Cass turned back to the kitchen where Delia was unlocking the secret to the fruit smell. “Momma made you some rhubarb syrup, Auntie. She said it’s your favorite.” She pointed to the small pan on the back burner of the stove. “And there’s Eggo’s in the freezer. Momma usually makes homemade, but she had to go get another job today. Plus the Angel Network people give us Eggo’s. And then me and Justine can play ‘hey, who stole my Eggo’.” Her niece lowered her voice to bass as she said the words and then doubled over with laughter.

  “And I always lose to Justine. Except one time, the toaster broke and Justine had to dig the Eggo out with a fork and it landed on the floor and Killer ate it and had to stay outside ‘cause he kept fartin’. That’s the day before Gran went to bed and wouldn’t get up. Momma said it was because the toaster broke the floodgates of hell, whatever those are. But we bought a new one at a garage sale, and she still didn’t get up ‘til you came home. I guess those floodgates are fixed now and that’s a good thing ‘cause Momma sure needs a job. I love you, Auntie.”

  Cass tried to hide the rollercoaster of emotions Delia’s words brought on. The little girl could sure zing her from laughter to heartache without warning.

  Justine must’ve thought so too. “You talk too much, Delia.”

  Delia shook her head. “Do not. You don’t talk enough. That’s what your teacher said. I heard him.” Delia lifted her head up and lowered her voice again. �
�Justine’s grades are wonderful, but she still never talks to her classmates. She’d rather go to the libary than recess and I’m reclined to allow that.”

  “Shut up, Delia. And it’s inclined, not reclined. Reclined is what you do in a chair like at the dentist.”

  “What-ever.”

  Here they went again. “Libraries are fun,” Cass said, trying to stop the argument. She didn’t know what else to say.

  “Libaries are stinky.” Delia said wrinkling her nose.

  Justine carried the baby on her hip into the kitchen and gave a long-suffering sigh as she rolled her eyes. “Libraries smell like books and ink and paper. They don’t stink, Delia.”

  And then she shoved the baby out to Cass without even asking. “Here. You take Dani, and I’ll make you breakfast.”

  Cass didn’t hesitate even though she wanted to. This was the first nice thing Justine’d done for her. And even though the baby would probably be just as happy playing in the living room, Cass wasn’t going to chance alienating Justine further.

  She held Dani up close, and the baby patted her shoulder with a chubby fist. Cass brushed her hand over the little girl’s silky fine baby hair and planted a kiss on top of her head. “Morning, Sunshine.”

  “Morn. Love you.” The little girl let her hold her close for all of three seconds and then started wiggling to get free.

  “She’s not Sunshine. She’s Dani.” Delia grabbed a fork for her while Justine popped the Eggo in the toaster.

  When Delia’s face exploded in a smile, Cass knew before she looked what had happened.

  All three girls welcomed their grandmother in their own ways.

  Delia ran across the room singing “Good morning, Gran,” and wrapped her arms around her legs.

  Justine grabbed the tub of margarine out of the fridge and beamed as she spoke. “Mornin’, Gran. I’ll make you some Eggo’s, too.”