Letting Go

by Mary Beth Lee

  The baby quit her wiggling and held out her hands with a beseeching cry of “Gan. Gan.”

  Cass walked over to the rocking chair. “Here Momma, you sit.” Once her mother was seated, Cass handed her the baby and then kissed her mother good morning. As she did she saw the light blue veins on her mother’s face. The dark spots on her hands as she held the baby. The way she trembled, just barely, but enough. Her skin was way too white.

  “Hey Momma. Maybe you can sit outside in a little while before it gets too hot.”

  “We’ll see. Come give me a hug, Hon.”

  Cass leaned down and hugged her mother carefully.

  Her momma hugged her back, and Cass wondered again at the demons that tormented this strong woman’s soul.

  Justine dropped a plate of Eggo’s on the table with a thunk, and Cass caught her frown before she turned back to the toaster. “Your breakfast is ready, Aunt Cass.”

  What happened? Why in the world would Justine be upset now? Oh well. John was right. This was going to take baby steps.

  Cass poured herself a cup of coffee and added some milk and sugar then sat down at the table and dug in. Oh man, she loved rhubarb syrup. “Yum. Justine this is wonderful.”

  Justine shrugged. “It’s just Eggo’s.”

  But Cass saw the tiny bit of pride on the little girl’s face. Baby steps. Baby steps. “I like your shirt. What’s it for?”

  From her smile, Cass figured she’d chosen the right words.

  Justine grabbed one of the tea rose plates out of the cabinet and set it down in front of the toaster. “I read the most books in my class last year, so I won the t-shirt. I won a trip to Hurricane Harbor too, but I didn’t go.”

  Cass sipped her coffee and thought carefully before taking the conversation further. She didn’t want to embarrass Justine. She might have won the trip, but it still cost money to go to places like the Dallas area water park. Money Anna definitely didn’t have and would’ve never asked her sister for.

  Finally, Cass decided to let it go. Instead, she focused on the shirt. “I love the rabbit and turtle. Do you know that story?”

  Justine’s smile blossomed and Cass’s heart caught. The girl was amazingly beautiful with her light brown skin and full lips and deep brown eyes that seemed to see everything. “Momma got me the Aesop’s Fables book last year for Christmas. That and Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I like the fables okay ‘cause they’re important about life. But I love fairy tales even though they’re make believe. Momma said she used to love them. Her favorite was Sleeping Beauty. She says Maleficent is one of the best evil villains ever. I love Snow White because of the Seven Dwarfs and Prince Charming. But Momma says not to set my sights on Prince Charming. She says I need to make my own way in the world, and I don’t need Prince Charming to come to my rescue. But then she says there’s nothing wrong with fairy tales, and I’m glad because I love them.”

  Whew. When the girl opened up, she opened up big time.

  The Eggo’s popped up and Momma sat at the table next to her after putting Dani down with a baby doll and one of those push toy popcorn vacuum cleaners. Delia grabbed the doll and started telling it all about Cinderella’s Fairy Grandmother, and Cass laughed.

  “Remember how that was your favorite?” Momma’s voice sounded almost scratchy. Cass hoped she wasn’t getting sick.

  Did she remember? Justine put the Eggo’s and a glass of milk on the table in front of Gran and then brought over a glass of milk for herself before sitting next to Cass.

  “I used to read you Cinderella every night because you loved it best. You knew all the words by heart.” Cass smiled thinking she probably still knew all the words.

  Justine leaned forward. “Momma says she likes Cinderella, too, because there are so many different versions.”

  In the living room, Delia was singing Cinderelly, Cinderelly just like the mice on the Disney movie, and Dani was pushing around the popcorn vacuum.

  The perfect moment. Everyone happy. Justine laughing even. Momma smiling. Rhubarb syrup and give-away Eggos.

  The only thing missing was Anna. Anna. The sister who loved Sleeping Beauty because of the villain. Who warned her seven-year-old daughter about the dangers of believing in Prince Charming. Who knew there were different versions of Cinderella. Whose beat up copy of A Streetcar Named Desire was sitting on the table next to the rocking chair. Who was at the 7-Eleven applying for a job. What a waste.

  *****

  Anna opened the door and groaned. Dani was playing with that horrible, tortuous vacuum cleaner that always gave her a headache. Cass must’ve dragged it out. Only a parentless person and kids enjoyed that sound.

  She dropped her purse in the front closet and looked in the mirror to make sure no one could see the tear marks on her face.

  The last thing Justine needed was to see her crying. The last thing she needed was more of Cass’s pity.

  Biting her lips to give them a little color, she exhaled, forcing out all the heartache of yet another lost chance at making ends meet, at buying mascara at The Dollar General or birthday presents and Christmas presents and maybe even a little something from the Tooth Fairy for Justine.

  Her girls deserved something special.

  The girls usually met her at the door but not this time. Not when Cass was here.

  Oh get over yourself, Anna. You need Cass. You called her. She’s here.

  But when she walked into the living room and saw everyone smiling and Justine even laughing, which somber ol’ Justine never did these days, it took sheer force of will to keep the smile on her face.

  “Hey y’all.” Anna bent down and picked Dani up, gave her quick kiss, tossed the blasted vacuum cleaner behind the couch and replaced it with the lawnmower that didn’t make noise. “Whatcha’ doing?”

  Justine jumped up like she’d been caught breaking every one of the Ten Commandments, all laughter erased.

  “Here, Momma. You sit and I’ll get you some coffee.”

  Anna’s heart hurt for a million different reasons, not the least of which was how good Cass looked with her hair pulled back, in that fancy robe, sitting at the table next to their bedraggled momma.

  She was going to have to tell Cass about the pills she’d found in Momma’s nightstand right before she made the phone call.

  “Don’t be silly, Justine. You sit. I’ll get my own coffee.”

  “Did you get the job, Momma? Did you?” Delia’s excitement filled voice proved she hadn’t yet had all the hope sucked out of her. Anna had Justine to thank for that. Now for a dose of reality.

  “Nah. They already filled it. Ethel from the grocery store got it.”

  “Ew. Ethel smells like mothballs and licorice. And her teeth are so yellow they’re almost brown. Especially that one in front. Why’d they go and hire her instead of you? You smell like daisies and Dawn dish soap, Momma. I bet they needed ol’ gross Ethel at the 7-Eleven to cover up that stinky gas-o-line.”

  Anna hugged her daughter tight. “I bet you’re one hundred percent right.”

  She sidestepped Delia’s make-believe tea party and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a coffee cup, filling it before sitting across from her daughter, sister and mother all three of whom knew gasoline had nothing to do with why she didn’t get the job.

  Thankfully, Cass didn’t know the real answer. But Justine did and it was apparent in the worry lines on her forehead and the frown that was her almost constant companion.

  “I’m sorry, Momma.” Justine’s small fingers slid back and forth across the table as if she wanted to maybe give her a hug but wasn’t quite sure if she should.

  Cass was looking into her cream colored coffee as if she were pondering world peace.

  But Momma, oh Momma. Anna’s heart hurt at the hope, at the admiration, at the belief she saw in Momma’s eyes. It’d been so long since she’d seen anything other than emptiness.

  Momma reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “You didn’t get the job because you weren�
�t supposed to, Anna. God knows what He’s doing.”

  God.

  God.

  God.

  Anna bit her tongue to keep from lashing out. To keep from laughing like some sort of maniac. If God knew what He was doing He sure had a messed up way of showing it.

  If He even existed, He’d checked out of her life a long time ago. Momma could believe in God all she wanted. But then Momma had just spent the last few weeks in bed not believing in much more than the OxyContin she kept hidden in her bedside table right on top of her Holy Bible. How was that for irony? Death leading to eternal life.

  And Cass could believe in God all she wanted. It was easy to believe when life handed you nothing but sunshine and roses and a good man.

  And Justine. Sweet, sweet Justine. Somehow Anna thought Justine still believed in God. She didn’t know how. Not with those scars covering her back.

  Somehow Justine hadn’t lost faith. And right now Anna didn’t figure that was a bad thing. Faith could be like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Something to keep you young before life reached up and smacked you a few times too many.

  And maybe, just maybe, if there is a God out there somewhere, please, Justine would be blessed like Cass and she’d never lose that faith, that belief, that certainty. Some man better not hurt her baby again or next time Anna knew, she would kill him.

  Anna sipped her coffee, her hands shaking while she swallowed the anger, hurt, disillusionment, fear and jealousy.

  And then she forced a laugh because sometimes that’s what a girl had to do.

  Only the sound came out harsh and brittle and Justine jumped, nearly knocking over her chair, and Anna knew she’d done that to her baby girl. She’d made her afraid of the sound of heartache, of broken dreams.

  For a second she couldn’t breathe. The scent of moth balls and licorice filled her nose, and she could see Ethel with her ol’ fake red hair bigger than Dallas and her too tight shirt and her too small Levi’s looking at her like she was scum of the earth for letting her baby nearly get killed.

  Outside an ambulance drove by—its bleating siren crashing around in her memories, breaking every bit of her resolve to tough this out.

  She jumped from the table. “I’ll be back. I need to clear my head.”

  And then she was out the door.

  *****

  She needed to clear her head? Was her sister crazy? Cass still wasn’t sure what had just happened. But Anna’d been running away on long walks to clear her head for a long time. It didn’t seem to do much good.

  Dani was crying and Delia was biting her bottom lip and Justine’s white face had nearly crumbled when her momma had taken off out the door.

  For a moment no one at the table moved and then Justine jumped up looking too much like a pint sized version of her reckless mother. “I’m gonna go with her.”

  And then she was gone too and Cass started to chase them both, but her momma stopped her with a surprising vise-like grip around her wrist.

  “You let them go on. They’ve got things to work out. And sometimes, Cass, a girl needs her momma and a momma needs her girl.”

  The words sliced through Cass, reminding her of all she’d never have, but then she realized the words played two ways. She needed her momma so bad. Had for years, even though she’d avoided the truth.

  “I’m glad I’m home, Momma.”

  Her mother let her wrist go with a soothing pat. “We’re glad you’re home too, Cass. Why don’t you get Dani, and we’ll all go outside a while?”

  A few minutes later they were sitting outside on the porch swing. Delia hung upside down from the monkey bars over hard dirt where grass had been worn away by hours of playing. Dani clapped as she waddled after Killer.

  And Momma just watched and waited, seeing so much it nearly killed Cass. She wanted to open up. To say the words. To just say, I’m broken inside, Momma. I don’t want to be broken anymore. Instead, she avoided her mother’s all-seeing eyes.

  “I’m worried about Anna, Momma.”

  Her mother looked out over the backyard fence, seeing something worth focusing on, but Cass wasn’t sure what since all that was there was the top of a yellow shed in the neighbor’s backyard.

  “You don’t need to worry about her, Hon. She’s a survivor. A fighter. Life’s handed her a ton of hurts, but none have broken her. I don’t figure a rejection from the 7-Eleven’s going to change that.” She waved her hand as she leaned forward and reprimanded the baby. “Dani, don’t pick that, it’ll hurt.”

  Cass turned and sure enough Dani stood next to a rose bush turning her head to look at it, then them, then it again. The thorns were there, but the flower was pretty. Cass could see the temptation clearly on the little girl’s face.

  She started to get up from the swing, but her mother stopped her. “Let her decide. She makes the wrong choice and it’ll hurt, but it won’t kill her.”

  Classic Parenting 101. Momma’d always done that. Told them the rules and then let them decide whether or not to follow them. Making sure they knew the truth about actions and consequences. The thought pricked her heart. Cass knew all about consequences. She just wasn’t sure she was ready to face the ones that would result if she left John for good.

  A butterfly flew by Dani, and she giggled as she took off after it instead of grabbing the flower. Temptation averted.

  Cass let out the breath she was holding and relaxed against the seat now that she knew Dani was safe for the short term.

  “Tell me about John.”

  Cass’s breath caught again, and she turned toward her mother. Played with idea of pretending she didn’t understand the words. “What?”

  Momma wasn’t having any part of it.

  “Your husband. Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”

  *****

  “Momma. Momma.”

  Anna stopped by the Snowden’s mailbox and tried not to hear the heartbreak in her little girl’s voice. Tried not to remember another time Justine had called those words out to her over and over.

  But the memory came bombarding back with all the ferocity of a tsunami. Shattering. Ugly. Leaving desolation and scars that would reverberate through both their minds forever.

  The Children’s Protective Service caseworker was young. New at the job judging by the horror on her face as she looked at Anna’s skin and boney body hidden underneath a hospital gown. The police officers and lawyers who weren’t young at all didn’t care, not really.

  Whoever called black eyes black didn’t know what they were talking about. They were red and purple and green and left your eyes so swollen you could barely see.

  But you did your best to look the person across from you in the eye. Did your best to hold back the words you wanted to say because these people who didn’t even know you were talking about taking your babies away, throwing around words like supervised visitation and foster care.

  The helplessness of knowing nothing you said or did would make a difference because you could see in that young woman’s eyes she’d already made up her mind. And you could see in that cop’s eyes that maybe you deserved what you’d gotten for letting that bastard do what he did to your little girl.

  A little girl who’d been screaming for you no telling how long when you’d woken up and realized the blood between your legs meant you were going to lose the baby.

  The fury as you heard the strap screaming through the air and his vile curses and there it was. Momma. Momma.

  Those days were over. She wasn’t going to think about them anymore. She couldn’t if she wanted to keep her sanity.

  “I’m so sorry, Momma.” Justine threw herself into Anna’s arms and held on tight, her tears falling on Anna’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you didn’t get the job. I’m sorry you’re so sad.”

  Anna brushed her hand down Justine’s long dark hair and then stepped back. “Oh, Honey. Sad’s just a part of life sometimes. It makes us stronger if we let it.”

  Okay, so that was pushin
g the Chicken Soup line a little too far, but Anna didn’t want Justine crying over 7-Eleven. And she didn’t want Old Lady Greeley who was outside watering her red and white gardenias with her cell phone tucked in the pocket of her Kiss the Cook apron calling the rest of the neighbors to tell them how Justine was chasing her down the street crying.

  “You want to walk with me a little bit?”

  Justine nodded and put her little hand in Anna’s. Completely trusting. Loving. One hundred percent hers.

  One hundred percent safe because her momma had taken care of business.