by H. Lane
Sam snorted. “More like Mom grabbed him by the balls.”
Julia glanced at the two, smile fading slightly. “I hope the two of you are hungry, because I’m starving. The pizza here is great, but you should definitely try the soups – they’re to die for.”
Jason ordered a pizza and stayed out of Julia and Sam’s conversation. Besides the fact that he had little to talk to Julia about, he knew that taking her time or attention away from Sam would only irritate her. He didn’t want her getting mad on her trip, or risking another outburst.
“So that’s my schedule,” Julia said, wiping her mouth with her napkin. “You’ll be able to talk to a few of my friends tomorrow and decide who you want to go with when I’m working.”
Sam grinned. “I can’t wait to check out the conservatory and the concert hall. Do you think I can do some playing while I’m here?”
“As long as you brought your violin you can. I might even be able to spin you a one-on-one with a professor, so cross your fingers.”
“Awesome. You’re the best, Julia.”
Jason devoured another slice of pizza. Gonna have to work out hard tomorrow for eating this. At least it’s free.
“Yeah, I know,” Julia said, winking. She glanced at Jason. “Do you have any plans while you’re here?”
He looked up from his phone. “Not really,” he replied. “I’m just the driver.”
“And he’s not even good at that,” Sam muttered. “He’s still driving the same piece of shit from high school.”
“Well, you should be getting your bachelor’s soon, right?” Julia asked. “Are you interested in looking at the graduate program while you’re here?”
Jason shook his head. “I’m good. I already have plans once I’m done.” The waiter came back with his card, which he pocketed. “Thanks for the offer.”
“Well, don’t hesitate to ask. Hartford is always looking for talented artists.”
“So why are you asking him?” Sam asked casually, as if discussing the weather.
Julia grimaced. “Well, if we’re done, I’ll see you tomorrow, Sam. I promise my dorm is cleaner than my room back home was.”
Sam sighed. “I’m not staying at the dorms.”
“Why not? I’ve got it cleared with the RA and everything.”
Here it comes.
“I’ll talk about it later,” Sam said, standing. “Ten AM at Mason Hall, right?”
Julia nodded. “Yeah, see you then.”
They hugged and the three walked out to the parking lot. Sam climbed in the car, her demeanor stoic as Jason started the car. She reminded Jason of a forlorn statue he’d once seen in a museum, staring off at a distant point.
“Mom said I’m supposed to stay on the campus with you tomorrow,” Jason said. “You can do extracurricular stuff, but you’re supposed to tell me first.”
Sam shrugged. “Yeah, I figured.”
Jason raised an eyebrow. Is she going soft on me? “If it were up to me, I’d let you just do whatever. Mom and Dad should’ve let you go here on your own.”
“Yeah, they should have. But if they always did the smart thing they wouldn’t be parents.”
He let out a chuckle. “Guess not.”
Sam let out a deep breath. “I know you don’t like hanging around me and didn’t want to lose a week to play babysitter.”
Jason cringed inwardly. God fucking damn it. The only thing I want right now is to be with you, Sam. “This sucks for the both of us.”
“More for me, but yeah.” She took another deep breath. “I’m sorry for being kind of a bitch earlier, OK? I might be in this situation because of you, but you probably weren’t thinking ‘Hey, how can I fuck Sam over for the rest of her life while being the biggest douche bag possible’ that night.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
She gulped; Jason heard her hands tighten into fists on her thighs. “So what were you feeling?”
Jason’s fatigue from the day’s drive paled in comparison to the exhaustion Sam evoked with her question. Even thinking back to that night was difficult for him – he’d made the hardest decision in his life and still felt its painful effects. The fact that he still didn’t know how to move forward made the thought of answering now precarious; he was balanced on a knife’s edge.
She deserves an answer, though. You owe it to her to give her one.
“I didn’t know what I was going to do at first,” he said after a long moment. “It’s not like I planned what I said to you in advance. The only thing I really knew that I wanted was to make sure I didn’t fuck anything up.”
Sam sniffed, a quiet sound in the night that was agony to his ears and heart. “You messed up,” she said, no true rancor behind her words. “You hurt me.”
Jason wanted to reassure and tell his sister the truth, tell her everything, but he continued to drive in silence. There was nothing he could do at that moment to make things better when he didn’t know what the best path for either of them was. As distant as they were, he still considered himself her older brother and still wanted to protect her, even from himself. For now, he had to keep his distance, no matter how much it hurt her and him by doing so.
I’m a complete bastard.
Chapter 10
Sam turned off the water in the shower and let herself luxuriate in the steam. It and the heat had helped to wear away the tension and fatigue of the day’s drive, but she still bore a tiredness that was years old and growing older. She took a deep breath and instantly regretted it; her brother’s scent was still strong from his earlier usage of the shower, and it tensed parts of her she’d wished would stay relaxed.
Bastard, bothering me when he doesn’t even say anything.
She stepped out of the shower and began to dry herself. Not that he needs to. His answer to me the last time we really argued was enough of a “fuck you” to last a lifetime.
Sam put on her shorts and t-shirt once she finished and walked out into the hotel room. The television was on but its low volume was drowned out by Jason’s snoring. Lying on his side beneath the covers, his exhaustion was apparent by the heaviness of his breath.
Of course he still snores.
After turning off the TV she climbed into her bed and crawled beneath the covers. With her ear pressed against the pillow she almost managed to block off the soft sounds her stepbrother was making. It was almost comical hearing such a gentle sound coming from him – she knew that he could be anything but soft from painful firsthand experience.
But he wasn’t always like that. And he might not be a complete bastard.
Sam’s thoughts wandered back toward the conversation they’d had when they were driving to the hotel. Jason hadn’t meant to humiliate her, hadn’t meant to hurt her, and had been thinking of the best way through the “problem” she’d given him. Considering the nature of her actions, she couldn’t blame him for overreacting, especially with how open they’d been that night. And even with her memory impaired by bias and alcohol, she knew she couldn’t claim to have acted perfectly.
She clutched the sheets tight. But he was a complete shit.
Turning, she came face to face with him. Last year her wild fury at him would’ve compelled her to violence against him, and even after she calmed down there was no hint of the attraction he’d once had toward her. But their separation and time to recover had allowed her forbidden interest to rekindle and re-emerge. Sam knew her younger self would’ve killed for this opportunity; now, she could only look at him with melancholy and anger.
So you were afraid of what might’ve happened between us? Were you also afraid of acting on your own feelings, Jason? Or were you just afraid of how it would make you look?
She pulled the covers over her head and shut her eyes. Her feelings remained complicated even a year later. Worse, she was still going into an unknown; she refused to let herself walk blind into another emotional minefield. Jason had only just begun to reveal his true feelin
gs on the matter to her – she needed more before making a move.
I’m going to break you down and get the answer I deserve, big brother. No matter what I need to do to get it out of you.
* * * *
A dull thud awoke Sam beneath her covers. Pulling them down, she saw Jason backing away from the dresser, his wince visible even in the darkness. Dressed in basketball shorts and a light t-shirt, he was obviously prepared for a workout.
“What time is it?” Sam asked, propping herself up on her elbows.
Jason glanced in her direction. “Almost six. Did I wake you up?”
“Would you feel guilty if you did?”
He shrugged. “Not really. You sleep too much as it is.”
Sam exhaled a harsh breath. “You’re going to work out?”
“I’ve got time, and the gym here is nice, better than the one at my apartment.”
“Because I was going to work out,” Sam said. Ever since they’d fought, they’d strenuously avoided spending time around each other, including going to different karate classes. “You should let me go first.”
“Like hell,” Jason answered. “If you want to stop acting like you’re five, we can share the gym. No one’s forcing you to do the same stuff as me at the same time.”
Sam ground her teeth together in lieu of trying to throw an insult at her stepbrother. After climbing out of her bed, she pulled out her running shorts and sports bra from her suitcase. Jason had left after his declaration, allowing her to change in peace.
She glanced in the mirror once she finished. It seemed like she’d been getting chances to go around Jason scantily clad more often. Although it had been rare to see him give obvious signs of attraction for her, intuition and experience told her that he was simply good at concealing his emotions. Sam never felt potent cravings for attention or sexual interest from others, but the few hints he’d given her had been enticing.
Maybe he’ll share more if I can throw him off guard. It’s not like things can get much worse between us. Worst case is we go back to square one – best case, we’ll…
Sam shook her head. She’d given up fantasizing years ago and the regret over doing so didn’t rival the heartache she’d always feel upon returning to reality. All she needed to do right now was to get answers from him; planning for the fantastical was a waste of time.
After taking a room key she headed downstairs to the hotel’s gym. It was as good as Jason had said, clean and well-lit unlike the one in her school’s basement. Well-maintained machines and unbroken weights lined the walls; Jason was on the carpeted floor, stretching. It was empty besides the two of them, the only noise coming from the televisions arrayed throughout the room.
Sam followed her stepbrother’s example and stretched on the floor across from him. She infused her every movement with as much raw sensuality as she dared and her embarrassment permitted. Despite the emotional chasm between them, they were still siblings, and she’d rarely exercised what Amanda would bawdily call her ‘assets’. Her every bold thought was carried through with a tense body whose redness had nothing to do with exertion.
Bending over to touch her toes while looking him straight in the eye and performing the splits was the limit of her actions. Sam still saw him looking at her from the corners of his eyes, gaze lingering a second too long before briefly scanning the television. His attempts at inattentive attention were pleasing; a low heat built between her thighs as she imagined his vision acting as light touches, delicate caresses across her skin.
The sensation spread through her body as she moved to the machines and continued to watch Jason. Even though his attention to her was limited to quick glances, watching him exercise was all the stimulation she needed to stoke her arousal further. His intense concentration and the utilitarian but beautiful movements – gracefully without an ounce of wasted energy – were a pleasure to behold. It didn’t matter if he was doing leg curls or a weight machine; his body was beauty in motion.
Sam stopped on the elliptical machine when Jason stepped out into the center and assumed a deep karate stance. His movements were a perfect blend of speed and strength, fast kicks followed by punches she knew could shatter cinderblocks. The intensity of his expressions and obvious focus continued to affect her, although not so rampantly as his earlier exercises. Jason’s efficiency could make him seem cold, but the passion he put into perfecting himself was warm as the sun. His sweating and heavy breath detracting from his crisp demeanor, but he wasn’t lessened by it, instead strengthened into a full person.
“You’re looking at me like you want to pick a fight,” Jason said, standing on one leg with the other one chambered for a kick. “Say something or stop staring.”
“Maybe I want to pick a fight,” Sam answered. She climbed off the elliptical machine and began to circle around him. “And don’t tell me what to do.”
Jason snapped off a kick that could have easily grazed the top off her head before setting his foot down. “So what did I do this time? Besides existing, anyways.”
Sam stopped and crossed her arms. “You’re holding back on me. I know you’ve thought about that night as much as I have, but you’ve shut me down every time I tried talking to you about it.”
He sighed, his demeanor broken for a moment by a flash of irritation, or possibly fatigue – Sam couldn’t tell. “And for good reason,” Jason said. “It’s done, over with.”
“For you, maybe. Not for me.”
Jason’s jaw ground against his molars. “So what do you want?”
“We fight,” Sam replied. “First one on the ground is the loser. If I win, you answer a question.”
“And if you lose?”
Sam shrugged. “What did you have in mind?”
He stared at her. His calm demeanor again breaking as an inner heat shone through his eyes, brilliant enough the depth of emotion but too brief for her to identify which one. “I’ll think of something.”
“That’s not very specific.”
“Afraid of losing? Or just worried about what I’ll ask from you?”
Sam lowered herself into a deep stance, ready to pounce like great cat at a moments notice. “Just irritated that you’re as amorphous as the crap you draw on people.”
Jason narrowed his eyes but kept his arms at his sides. “’Amorphous’? At least you’re getting a vocabulary to match your ego.”
Asshole.
Sam feinted left with a quick step of her left foot before aiming a snap kick at Jason’s right knee. Despite his casual stance he managed to intrude into her space before she could gather momentum for her blow. Her foot slapped his upper thigh with the force of a paper fan, but his grabbing of her wrists was anything but weak.
Damn.
She twisted her arms around and out from her body, breaking Jason’s hold but pulling herself close to his chest. The raw scent of his earlier exertions flooded through her senses, and for a moment she forgot the stakes of the fight, the thought of being so close to him clouding her mind. Even the tight grip he had on her wrists was charged, a raw conduit she could feel his entire body through.
Jason stomped his right foot behind her left knee and rammed himself into her. Tripped, Sam grabbed his shirt and flung him down ahead of her fall. He hit the floor hard, grunting when she fell atop him, half-straddled on his hips and resting against his chest.
Fuck.
After finally managing to suck breath into her lungs, she planted both hands on his chest and pushed off. He remained firm beneath the pressure, only shooting an irritated look when she got off of him. She rested on the floor, his scent mingled with hers and the memory of his body still strong.
“Cheater,” he muttered, pushing himself up.
Sam snorted and turned her head toward him. “All’s fair in war, big brother.”
“Whatever.” He rolled his shoulders and winced, standing slow as if weights were attached to his limbs. “I’m getting the first shower.”
“You�
�re answering my question first.”
“Then ask.”
Sam chewed her bottom lip. I need to make this count; something that I can dig into, but so he can’t wriggle out of. “Were you ever attracted to me?”
His eyes took on a distant and clouded look. It was rare for them to lose their piercing strength – Jason was vulnerable. Sam almost regretted making him appear so weak, but purged herself of the feeling quickly. I deserve an answer, and he deserves to be put out like this for what he said and did to me.
“Once,” Jason said, sighing.
Sam’s heart clenched as exuberant triumph ran through her chest like an undammed river. She’d always felt that he’d been drawn to her; hearing it rivaled any symphony. Even his reluctant admittance was a boon – the fact that it was difficult for him meant it was either close to his heart, in his mind, or both.
He turned around before she could read his expression and left the gym a moment later, leaving Sam alone on the floor. Still relishing her triumph, her heart now beat with a nervous energy that matched her thoughts.
I can do this.
Chapter 11
“But seriously, look at how clean this is,” Andy said. “No mold lines, no flash – it’s a serious upswing in their quality.”
Jason nodded without turning his attention to the computer screen where his friend was displayed on a window. “Yeah, sounds awesome. Still charging full price for painting them.”
Andy gave a tired groan. “You’re not even looking at the models, are you?”
“Not really.” Jason rested his head in his hands and sighed. “Just not feeling great. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Andy said. “I’ll talk to you later, dude. Feel better, OK?”
“Thanks.”
Jason ended the call and leaned back in the chair. The student break room was comfortable, but all the same he wished he wasn’t at Hartford. But his mother had insisted that he be within close reach of his sister so she could go wherever she needed to go. The last thing he wanted was Sam complaining to their parents about how unaccommodating he’d been.