Towards a Dark Horizon

by Maureen Reynolds

  The interior of Dundee West Station was cool and dim after the bright sunshine outside. We bought two platform tickets and sat on one of the benches. We had an hour to wait but Lily seemed quite happy. The station was full of people either waiting for a train or disembarking from one. The noise was incredible as the smoky steam engines chugged to and fro.

  Lily was fascinated by all this activity. Another thing that entranced her was the chocolate machine and I let her put some money in it with a dire warning – ‘Don’t get chocolate over your clean frock.’

  She promised to stay chocolate free and I thought of Greg. What would I tell him if he asked about Danny and Maddie? I would have to stick to the story I had told Mrs Pringle and I hated all this subterfuge. Still, I had no choice.

  A disembodied voice crackled from the loudspeaker, announcing the arrival of the Glasgow train. Then a mighty engine appeared, pulling a string of carriages. Doors were flung open and a multitude of people stepped off. I craned my neck to try and see Greg but the milling masses made this impossible. I held on to Lily’s hand in case I lost her.

  ‘I can’t see Greg,’ she cried.

  Neither could I. We waited until the platform cleared but there was no sign of him. My mind went numb. What had happened to him?

  Lily was upset. ‘He’s not coming, is he, Ann?’

  ‘Of course he is. He wrote me a letter telling me to meet him at the station.’ I was confused but tried to keep calm for her sake.

  Another train came and went. The platform filled up with people then went quiet again. I stood undecided for a moment then said, ‘Come on, Lily, it looks like Greg’s not coming.’

  Her small face crumpled but I bent down. ‘Maybe I’ve got the wrong date. Maybe it’s next week I’ve to meet him.’

  She looked alarmed. ‘Can I come with you next week, Ann?’

  I nodded, too upset to speak. I knew I hadn’t made a mistake with the date.

  The sunshine was glaringly bright when we stepped out of the station. I was mentally making up some sort of story to tell Dad and Rosie when, to my amazement, I saw Greg standing on the pavement by the station entrance.

  He saw me and looked astonished. ‘I’ve been waiting here for you, Ann. Were you in the station?’

  I nodded, happiness flooding back. ‘We bought two platform tickets, Greg. I thought Lily would like to see the trains.’

  He seemed to see Lily for the first time. His face fell. ‘Lily, have you come to meet me off the train?’

  Lily jumped up and down. ‘No, Greg, I’m coming with you and Ann said I could choose where we’re going.’

  Greg looked at me and I thought he didn’t seem pleased by this arrangement. He said, ‘I see, Lily. Did you not want to go with your dad and Rosie?’

  Lily looked as if she would burst into tears again and I gave him a warning glance.

  He smiled at her. ‘I just wondered, Lily. It’s wonderful that you’ve come to see me and we’ll have a great day.’

  Her face lit up and I said, ‘Well, Lily, where do you want to go?’

  There was no hesitation. ‘On the Fifie – I want to go on the Fifie.’

  I looked at Greg warily and he smiled. ‘Well, then, it’s the Fifie for us.’

  We stood in a long queue at the office in Union Street for our tickets to cross the River Tay to Newport on the ferry. Craig Pier was packed with people all taking advantage of the lovely weather. We watched the procession of vans and motorcycles drive over the metal ramp then it was the turn of the passengers to board.

  Greg had said very little during this wait and I knew he found Lily’s presence a bit disconcerting. He had obviously thought we would be alone on our day together. When we climbed to the upper deck, I thought Lily would be entranced by the water and would want to watch it through the rails but she stuck to my side like glue.

  ‘How are Glasgow and your job, Greg?’

  He smiled. ‘I like it and the library is a great place to work but I miss you, Ann.’

  I felt myself blushing and said nothing.

  He went on. ‘I may be there for a while yet but it isn’t permanent – maybe a year or two.’

  My heart sank. Not permanent? How temporary did Greg think two years were? It seemed like a lifetime to me and I said so. He took my hand and didn’t say anything else until the ferry docked at Newport.

  With Lily still jammed by my side, we made our way up the narrow street to the green grassy slopes that seemed to be everyone’s destination. I had made some sandwiches for a picnic plus there was a small bottle of lemonade for Lily. We sat on the coarse spiky grass and ate them in silence.

  The river was beautiful in the sparkling sunshine. The city lay on the far bank in a grey smoky haze. This sprawling city was teeming with life but it all looked so peaceful from this vantage point – which was more than could be said for the large family who sat on the grass beside us. The tired-looking mother tried to keep the squabbling youngsters apart while the baby wailed loudly. The husband, looking like he had no part in this family, lay on his side, fast asleep. Every once in a while, he would open his eyes and yell at the children. ‘I’m telling you to shut up or I’ll throw the lot of you in the water.’ I wondered if this was what marriage was all about.

  Greg stood up. ‘Let’s go for a walk,’ he suggested.

  I rose stiffly to my feet and brushed the grass from my dress. We set off up the street and I had the feeling the day wasn’t going well.

  A small cafe lay at the top of the hill and Greg ushered us in. It was busy but the customers spoke quietly. Not like the large unruly family on the grass. I was grateful for a seat as it had been uncomfortable sitting on the hard grassy slope.

  Greg took some money from his pocket and gave it to Lily. ‘You go over to the counter and get whatever you like, Lily, and we’ll have tea.’ He turned to me. ‘Is that all right, Ann?’

  I nodded. Tea … poison … what did it matter? I was just getting over the trauma of Danny and Maddie and now something was far wrong with Lily.

  There was a queue at the counter and she politely waited for her turn. I felt guilty about not wanting to take her with me. What a dreadful person I was.

  Greg took my hand and I tried to explain. ‘I had to bring her because she’s really upset about something. I did want us to be on our own.’

  ‘So did I, Ann, because I want to ask you something I …’ He stopped when Lily appeared with her ice cream and the shop’s owner carrying the tea on a tray.

  Lily handed Greg his change but he let her keep it. This made her face brighten but she ate her ice cream with a solemn look on her face.

  I wanted to ask him what he wanted to ask me but he didn’t mention it again.

  He looked at his watch. ‘I have to catch the six-thirty train, Ann.’

  As I didn’t own a watch, I asked him, ‘What time is it now?’

  ‘Half past four.’

  ‘Well, we’d better get the next boat back, Greg.’

  We finished our tea and set off back down the hill to the pier. The ferry was just docking. We boarded it and made the return journey with Lily wedged in between us.

  Greg opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. My heart was heavy. What was he going to tell me?

  When we reached Craig Pier, he said, ‘Let’s have our tea in a restaurant.’

  Lily was delighted. ‘Oh, that’s great, Greg! I’ve aye wanted my tea in a restaurant.’

  I smiled at her delight. As it turned out, there weren’t many restaurants open because it was a Sunday so we ended up in a fish and chip shop, in the sitting-in room. The wooden chairs were a bit cramped together but the meal was lovely and fresh. I hadn’t realised just how hungry I was but the sea air had given me an appetite. Lily was the same although I did notice that Greg didn’t eat all his meal. Had he lost his appetite because of the day’s events?

  After the meal Lily made signs that she needed the toilet but she didn’t want Greg to know. I noticed
the sign on the faraway door and I pointed this out to her. She didn’t want to go on her own but I whispered to her, ‘You’ll be going to the school in a couple of weeks so you’d better get used to going on your own.’

  She made a great show of not wanting to go but nature took over and she ran towards the door.

  I decided to take the bull by the horns. ‘What did you want to say to me when we were interrupted, Greg?’

  He put down his knife and fork and looked at me. ‘I was just going …’ Suddenly Lily was back at the table. He laughed out loud and it was good to hear him sound so joyous. ‘That must have been the quickest wee-wee on record, Lily.’

  She looked embarrassed but she did smile at him.

  We then set off for the station. When we got there, the three of us went on to the platform to await his train.

  Greg spotted the chocolate machine. ‘Go and get a bar of chocolate to take home, Lily.’

  What a gourmet day out she was having, I thought.

  He turned quickly to me. ‘I was going to ask you to marry me, Ann, and come to live in Glasgow. It’ll only be for a couple of years then we’ll be back in Dundee.’

  I was taken aback but delighted with his proposal. Then I remembered Lily. ‘I can’t go off and leave Lily on her own, Greg – much as I would like to be married to you. You do understand?’

  He nodded. ‘I know. Today has shown me that she does need you.’

  I had tears in my eyes. ‘I’ve got to stay with her till she’s old enough to fend for herself.’

  ‘I did think your dad would have married Rosie by this time.’ Greg seemed perplexed by this omission on Dad’s part.

  ‘I mean, if you were working here, then it would work but I can’t leave – at least not yet.’

  He squeezed my hand. ‘I understand, Ann, but I’m going to ask you again at some other time and I hope you’ll say yes.’

  My heart soared at this. I thought my refusal was the last I would see of him. ‘Oh, Greg, I hope you do and that I can say yes. Does that mean we’ll still be writing to each other?’

  ‘Oh, I hope so. This is just a hiccup and we’ll be together in the future – I just know it.’

  Before I could answer, Lily was back and Greg’s train was being announced. He waved from the window as the train departed into the distance and I waved back until my arm was sore and he was merely a distant blur in the golden sunshine.

  Lily and I set off for home. I wasn’t going to tell a soul about my proposal. It was my secret. I also wondered if Dad would ever ask Rosie to marry him – I knew it would be the answer to her prayers.

  A couple of weeks later, Lily went to the school. On that first morning, I collected her at the Overgate and delivered her in front of the gate of Rosebank School. She was still in her clinging frame of mind and I hadn’t been able to get to the bottom of it.

  She clung to me at the gate. ‘I don’t want to go, Ann.’

  I knelt down beside her. ‘Of course you want to go, Lily. You’ve talked about nothing else for months.’

  ‘But I don’t want to go now.’

  ‘Look, Lily, I’ll be here at four o’clock to meet you when you come out.’

  She gazed at me with dark solemn eyes. ‘Promise me and cross your heart.’

  I promised her. She reluctantly stepped towards the gate where another little girl was also hesitating.

  Her mother urged her, ‘On you go, Janie. Look here’s another wee lassie. Take her hand and you can both go in together.’

  Lily looked dubious but the woman placed Janie’s hand in hers. The woman looked at me. ‘I’m sure your mother doesn’t mind, do you?’

  She thought I was Lily’s mother.

  ‘No, I don’t mind.’ I gave Lily an encouraging wave. ‘I’ll see you at four o’clock.’

  The two girls looked backwards for most of their journey across the playground but soon they were whisked away into the school.

  The woman sighed deeply. ‘Well, that’s one down and five more to follow.’

  I looked at her with amazement. ‘Five more children under five?’

  ‘Aye, two sets of twins and I’m expecting again.’

  I went home, shattered by this news. I thought I was hard done by but there were lots of women who had no lives except having children and living on the poverty line.

  I was back at the gate before the school got out. I was afraid to be late in case Lily got upset again. Something was bothering her and I hadn’t been able to find out the reason. Because of this, I tried to keep our routine the same every day to make her feel secure. There was no sign of Janie’s mother and I wondered if this would upset her. I also wondered whether we should take Janie home if her mother didn’t come to the gate to meet her.

  Within minutes, a small crowd had gathered at the gate and the children emerged into the warm sunshine. I saw Lily with Janie and both girls looked apprehensive. I called out and Lily ran over with her friend at her side. I was on the point of asking Janie if she wanted to walk home with us when a thin, scrawny-looking man, about five foot three inches tall and dressed in a grubby cardigan and baggy trousers, appeared. He called out to Janie and she began to run towards him. I almost pulled her back until she said, ‘Hullo, Daddy. The school was great fun and I’ve made a new pal. Her name is Lily and here she is.’

  We were duly introduced to him and I felt uncomfortable because I was a good three inches taller than him. Still, this didn’t seem to bother him and he grinned at me. Showing a row of brown teeth. I kept thinking of his wife and all her twins and thought that fathers certainly came in all shapes and sizes.

  Lily was in a good mood and she chattered all the way home about her first day at school. ‘We got to play with Plasticine and we got our dinner in a big room.’

  ‘What did you get for your dinner?’

  ‘Mince and tatties and rice pudding.’

  ‘My word, Lily, you had a better dinner than me – I had a cheese piece.’

  ‘We’re going to do our sums tomorrow and get our reading books and I think the dinner will be even better.’

  I breathed an inward sigh of relief. Lily’s first day at school seemed to have been a great success. Maybe now her strange behaviour would pass. Then, when we were almost at the house, she gripped my hand. ‘You’ll be at the school tomorrow, Ann? You’ll take me there and be at the gate when it’s finished?’

  ‘Of course I’ll be there, Lily. When have I ever told you a lie?’

  She smiled and seemed happy with my response. Perhaps, I thought, this insecurity was all part of growing up. Had I been the same at her age? I couldn’t remember.

  Joe arrived at the house that evening. He was now nicknamed Cassandra because of his dire prophecies – his doom-laden statements about Hitler and Mussolini. Then there was the Spanish Civil War which he said was a forerunner of another world war.

  His words fell on my deaf ears because I was more interested in the great royal romance. Connie seemed to have lots of information about it although the newspapers didn’t print much. Working in the paper shop kept me up to date with all the world events and Connie always remarked every morning, ‘Now what is the big story on the planet this morning?’ She would scan the headlines before remarking on some event like the Olympic Games. ‘I see Jesse Owens has won loads of gold medals at the Olympic games in Berlin. I hear that Hitler wasn’t keen to give him his medals. He’s got a bee in his bonnet about folk not being pure and Aryan. He’s banned Jews from taking up public office jobs. Aye, it’s the Jews today but it’ll be somebody else’s turn tomorrow.’

  I was shocked by her statement and I was growing tired of Joe’s incessant talk about the world situation. Still, it was the big romance that had captured all our imaginations – so much so that even the Jarrow hunger march almost went ignored in the tiny shop. Then, one day, the headlines were full of the so-called secret love between the new King and Wallis Simpson.

  Connie remarked dryly, ‘Aye, it’ll be a weddin
g soon because she’s just got her divorce.’

  I thought it was all so romantic and I missed Maddie so much during this time. We could have spent hours discussing it.

  We were now into December and I was dreading the winter months. Lily had settled in her school all right but it was hard going. With all the running back and forth between the Overgate and our house, I felt I was never off the road. It was fine in good weather but I didn’t relish having to take her out in all the bad weather. She was a healthy little girl but I always worried about her.

  On the eleventh of December, Connie was almost beside herself with excitement. I was barely in the shop that morning when she said, ‘Ann, we’ll have to listen to the wireless tonight because the King is going to make a speech. I think he’s going to tell us about his engagement to Wallis Simpson.’

  I knew there had been loads of speculation about a royal crisis but this was something new.

  ‘Now mind and put on your wireless,’ she reminded me when I was finished my work.

  It was raining hard when I ran home and my feet got wet. I had so much to do in the house but putting the fire on was my first task. As soon as it was ablaze I sat down to warm my feet and, although I didn’t feel tired, the warmth from the flames must have put me to sleep. I woke up at four o’clock in a panic. Lily would be standing at the gate, wondering where I was. I dashed out without putting on my stockings and I ran all the way to Tulloch Crescent and the school.

  The street was deserted and all the parents had gone. There was no sign of Lily. My heart was in my mouth and I felt sick. Where was she? I ran into the empty playground but the janitor told me that everyone had gone home, that he hadn’t seen a little girl on her own.

  I ran back up the house but there was still no sign of her. Then I remembered Janie. Had she gone home with her? I knew she lived in Dallfield Walk but I didn’t know the number of her house.

  I ran back down the road. The janitor was still in the playground and he gave me an open-mouthed look as I charged past. There was a tiny shop at the top of Dallfield Walk. A tall, thin man in a grey overall came through from the back shop and it was at this point that I realised I didn’t even know Janie’s surname. Whenever Lily spoke about her friend, it was always ‘Janie did this’ or ‘Janie said that.’ The man was waiting patiently at the counter.