Towards a Dark Horizon

by Maureen Reynolds

  Soon the Ryan women got up to go and we were left alone. It was then that Maddie broke down in a flood of tears. I held her tightly until she became quiet and I put her to bed.

  ‘I don’t think I’ll be able to go on without Danny,’ she said.

  Although near to tears myself, I had to stop her feeling morose like this. ‘Look, Maddie, you’re having Danny’s baby so try and look to the future with a bit of happiness. Danny wouldn’t want you to be unhappy like this – especially at a time like this with a baby on the horizon.’

  She suddenly smiled and it was so much like the old Maddie I remembered. ‘You’re such a tower of strength, Ann. Danny always said you were – even as a little girl.’

  ‘Right then, Maddie, if you think that, then listen to what I tell you.’

  After she fell asleep, I sat in the living room in the dark but I left the curtains open. The river lay like a silver blur in the distance but everything else was in darkness. Although I hadn’t admitted it to Maddie, I would also find life hard without Danny. For all my days, he had been my lifeline and, although I knew our lives were destined to go down different roads, I still hoped he would be part of my journey. I went to bed with these thoughts in mind and prayed so hard to a God I hardly knew but hoped would be a forgiving one.

  Maddie’s morning sickness stopped as if by magic. It was late June and she began to look so much better – blooming, in fact. I also thought she suited the extra weight.

  There was still no word of Danny in spite of Mr Pringle having written to the Ministry of War. Dunkirk had been so chaotic although the small boats had miraculously ferried over three hundred thousand troops to safety. Every day that came and went was a blow to her hopes and her parents wanted her to give up her house and go and live with them. As usual, she had been horrified at this suggestion. In an effort to avoid the mounting pressure from her mother, she turned to me to back her up.

  ‘If I give up the flat now, Ann, it would be just like admitting that Danny is dead. Do you know what I’m trying to say?’

  ‘Aye, Maddie, I do.’

  ‘Well, will you tell my mother that I’ve got to stay here until there’s no doubt about Danny’s fate? When that day comes, I’ll face it then.’

  Faced with this implacable tone the Pringles had to give in but I knew they would keep on trying. I also knew that, in their opinion, Danny was dead.

  Joe was also full of the war news. ‘I see the RAF is fighting the Jerries in the south of England,’ he told Connie. They’re calling it “The Battle of Britain” and I bet the Spitfires will fly rings round the Luftwaffe. Then there’s that bombastic Mussolini joining his pal Hitler …’

  One evening in the late autumn when Maddie resembled a hippopotamus, she asked me what I thought had happened to Danny.

  ‘I don’t know, Maddie. Maybe he got caught up in the fighting at St Valery or even in the retreat. The truth will come out one day soon – I’m sure of it.’

  ‘But you think he’s dead?’

  I don’t know why I did it but I shook my head. ‘No, I don’t.’

  Her face lit up.

  I immediately tried to backtrack. ‘But don’t listen to me, Maddie – I could be wrong.’

  ‘But you don’t think you are?’

  ‘It’s a difficult thing to put into words.’

  I hoped she would drop this line of conversation but she didn’t.

  I said, ‘Well, it’s like this. Ever since we were bairns, Danny and I have always known what the other one was thinking of. It’s a kind of intuition, if you like. If I thought Danny was dead, then I would feel it – I’m sure about that.’

  She nodded thoughtfully. ‘Still, there’s no word from him.’

  ‘That’s why I could be totally wrong, Maddie, so don’t listen to me.’

  Then she changed the subject. ‘I can feel the baby kicking.’

  ‘Can you? Is it sore?’

  She laughed. ‘No, it isn’t. It just feels funny or should I say strange.’

  I was pleased the way the conversation was going so I wanted to prolong it. ‘You’ll not have long to wait now, Maddie. Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?’

  ‘I don’t care. I just wish Danny was here.’

  She started to cry silently and huge tears were rolling down her cheeks. This was how she had been since Dunkirk. France had surrendered and we stood alone at war with Germany and we were still mourning Danny. Quite honestly, it was difficult to believe we were at war as life went on regardless. It was a strange situation because people who had been out of work for decades were now earning a wage packet. The Ryan family in Lochee was one such example. Belle and Lizzie were back in the mill while all the men worked in the foundry.

  One reminder of the war was the siren. At the start of the war, every time we heard its wailing and eerie note, we headed for the air-raid shelters which were clustered in the back green behind the tall tenements in Rosebank Road. But it was such a trek in wet or cold weather that we stopped.

  Granny said she would make sure Lily was taken to their shelter should the siren sound but this bothered me very much. I was worried about my grandparents having to trail out in all kinds of weather so I told them to stay inside as we all felt quite safe in our own homes. However, in November, this all changed. A German bomb fell on a tenement house in Rosefield Street and demolished it, killing one woman. This was a taste of the damage the German Luftwaffe could inflict on us and I had to review my plans regarding Lily.

  I was still staying with Maddie at nights so I asked her if I could bring Lily with me.

  She looked mortified. ‘Oh, Ann, I’ve been so selfish having you here with me and you have to look after Lily as well. Look, I’ll be fine on my own. You stay at home with Lily.’

  ‘Is that what you want me to do, Maddie?’

  Her face crumpled and she shook her head. ‘No, I feel so safe when you’re here, Ann.’

  ‘Well, that’s settled then. I’ll bring Lily here with me and we can both sleep on the bed settee. There’s plenty of room.’

  ‘Oh, but I don’t want to be selfish. Lily has to come first with you.’

  I went over and gave her a hug. ‘Don’t be daft, Maddie. I can quite easily look after you both.’

  Lily was delighted to be with us at the Roseangle flat and she giggled as she snuggled down on the settee that first night. ‘I hope we don’t have to leave this cosy bed if the siren goes off, Ann.’

  As it was, it put me in a bit of a quandary as because of her size, I never knew if I should take Maddie out of the house.

  She was getting so big that she often despaired. ‘Do you think I’ll ever be thin again?’ she often asked, as she tried to see her feet.

  ‘Aye you will, Maddie. Just as soon as the baby is born, you’ll get back to your normal size.’

  Lily was fascinated by her large tummy with the voluminous, coral-coloured smock covering it – a smock which, in my opinion, merely highlighted the bump.

  Meanwhile back in the shop Joe was still full of doom and gloom and I dreaded going into work every morning to face another barrage of bad news.

  ‘I see the Jerries have launched a blitzkrieg on London. What a devastation the Luftwaffe have caused – houses on fire and hundreds of folk killed.’ He stopped for breath and also to light his cigarette stub. ‘Have you seen the mess in Rosefield Street? It’s as if somebody has cut the tenement in half.’

  There was also the problem of Maddie. She was becoming even more morose, if that was possible, as she neared the end of her pregnancy. Some days she would just sit quietly at the window with large tears running down her cheeks. We were all becoming more alarmed. The Pringles were almost out of their minds with worry but still she wouldn’t budge from the flat.

  I was in the lobby one evening when I overheard Hattie saying, ‘You’ve to think about yourself and the baby, Maddie. It would be much better if you went to live with your parents. They have an air-raid shelter in the back garden so you won’t
have to walk so far – especially at night.’

  Maddie’s voice was soft but firm. ‘We never go to the shelter now. I think if a bomb is meant for me then it’ll find me – no matter where I am.’

  Hattie was shocked and almost speechless. She spluttered, ‘Do you mean to tell me that, after that bomb in Rosefield Street, you still stay inside after the siren goes off?’

  If Maddie answered, I didn’t hear it.

  ‘Well, I’ll have a word with your mother. Ann shouldn’t allow it.’

  At that point I should have moved into the living room or gone outside but I did neither. I was so upset by Hattie’s implication of neglect.

  Maddie retorted harshly. ‘It’s not Ann’s fault, Hattie, if I want to stay in my own house. What do you want her to do? Pick me up bodily and carry me out?’

  For one moment, I had the intense urge to laugh as that would take some doing considering the size of Maddie now.

  Maddie added, ‘Until I know for sure that Danny is truly dead, then I’m staying here. Ann doesn’t think he’s dead.’

  I groaned inwardly.

  Hattie’s voice was soft. ‘Listen to me, Maddie. I know Ann thinks she has this telepathic thing with Danny and maybe she does but you can’t possibly rely on it. Now can you?’

  ‘No, I can’t but it’s the only hope I have. Call me superstitious if you like, Hattie, but I feel, if I leave our flat, then I’m somehow abandoning Danny. I know it sounds stupid to you and my parents but it’s the way I feel.’

  When Hattie replied her voice sounded tearful. ‘I miss Danny as well. He’s my only son – my only child.’

  Maddie started to cry as well. ‘Oh, Hattie, I know that and I also know the pain you’re going through, just like me, but you’re pain must be worse than mine because you’ve had him all his life while I’ve only had him a few years.’

  I quietly opened the door and went downstairs. There was a small shop at the top of the road so I took refuge there until I saw Hattie hurry away along the pavement. To my distress, I saw her dabbing her eyes with a hankie.

  Maddie was sitting at the window when I walked in with large tears streaming down her face. She tried to stand up but she wobbled slightly and grabbed the back of a chair for support.

  ‘You’ve just missed Hattie,’ she said, through her tears.

  ‘Maddie, I’m sorry but I did overhear your conversation. I didn’t mean to listen but by the time I thought of going out I had heard every word.’

  Maddie was tired looking and white faced. ‘Hattie thinks Danny is dead and so do my parents,’ she said wearily.

  I had to make her listen to me. ‘I think you should go and live with your parents, Maddie – just until the baby’s born.’

  ‘What about Danny?’

  ‘Well, that would be what he would want, Maddie.’

  She studied my face for a moment then sat down heavily in the chair.

  ‘I’ll just stay for another few weeks but I’ll make up my mind soon about going when the baby comes – I promise.’

  There was nothing else I could say. Maddie was certainly one stubborn woman in spite of her fragile and gentle nature.

  To take her mind off her problems, I told her the latest developments with Margot. Maddie’s eyes were round with amazement when I told her that Margot was standing trial for theft and bigamy.

  I said, ‘She’s in jail at the moment, awaiting her trial. She’ll not like being in there because she’ll not get to flounce around in her bonny frocks while being in a cell.’ For some reason, there was a tinge of sadness in my voice. Oh, I knew she had a criminal streak in her but I also knew that prison would be a terrible experience for her. In a way, I felt a little bit sorry for her – not real sorrow but more a tinge of sympathy.

  Maddie noticed this and commented on it. ‘Don’t feel sorry for her, Ann. She ruined your Dad’s life and all her other husbands’ as well.’

  I nodded. ‘OK, Maddie – no more sympathy.’

  This was an easy promise to keep because we all had bigger worries on our plates. The news on the war front was becoming more and more grim by the day.

  As usual, Joe regaled us with the latest casualty figures in the London Blitz.

  Connie glanced at me. She knew Maddie’s time was near at hand. She had just another few weeks before the baby was due and the last thing we wanted was to be always reminded about the war, especially with Danny missing – or dead.

  After Joe left, she said, ‘I can’t stop him talking about the war, worst luck.’

  ‘It’s not your fault, Connie, that he gets great pleasure in mentioning every new development.’ Also I knew that Danny’s fate wasn’t Joe’s fault.

  Connie laughed. ‘I’ve nicknamed him “Winston” because he seems to know more about the war than Churchill!’

  The newspapers were now much thinner due to the paper shortage which meant the pile of papers on the counter didn’t loom so high and we could see the new delivery girl, Betty from the next close, waiting patiently. Because of Joe’s gossiping we were running late. The next hour flew past quickly.

  While Connie went to put the kettle on for her morning tea, I went to collect Lily from Maddie’s flat.

  They were normally asleep when I left to go to work but I knew Lily would be up and ready for school when I arrived. Maddie had offered to walk her to school but I felt it was too far for her at the moment. As I hurried towards the flat I felt I was forever running here and there. Time was a thing I was always running out of. With Dad now working at the shipyard, his overalls were dirtier than usual which meant I had to spend more time at the wash-house. I normally went one afternoon a week when Lily was at school and I tried to time it so I could be at the school gate at four o’clock.

  Lily would help me to push the pram and bath full of wet washing up the Hilltown then, after our tea with Dad, we would put the washing on the pulley before setting off for Maddie’s house.

  It was now December and I couldn’t believe how quickly time had flown. It only seemed like yesterday when Maddie had told us of her pregnancy. Now she was in her last few weeks and all our worries were intensified.

  Her moods had swung between highs and lows during the last months but she had become really withdrawn and depressed during the last month. We all tried so hard to cheer her up but nothing seemed to make her feel better. All she thought of during these long winter days and nights was Danny and she would sit at the window with her wedding photo in her hand and cry silently. When I tried to shake her out of these black moods, she would become ashamed of herself and try to enter into the conversation. Yet, after just a few words were spoken, she would drift off again to her secret place.

  Mrs Pringle sent for me one day. ‘Ann, we really need to get Maddie to come here and stay. Can you help us?’ The poor woman was worried and anxious looking.

  I was honest with her. ‘I’ve tried, Mrs Pringle, but she’ll not listen to anybody – not even Hattie or me.’

  ‘Still, you will try again to make her see sense?’

  I promised I would. As I walked down the road a sharp, heavy shower of sleet fell from the steel-wool coloured sky. Even the weather was in a miserable mood which matched most of the citizens of the town. People passing on the street hurried by with their hands deep in their coat pockets and they had their headscarved or bonneted heads tucked into their chests like half-emerged tortoises. Their worried and frowning faces looked so pasty grey in the fast-fading light of the December afternoon.

  Lily decided to stay with Dad that night – partly because of the cold sleety weather but mainly because of the unexpected gift of a pile of Christmas annuals that Connie had unearthed in one of her cupboards. So I set off alone into the dark winter’s night. Although it was barely seven o’clock, the street was deserted and I could hear the noise of my heels as they echoed against the slippery pavements.

  When I got to the flat, I had just missed Hattie by a few moments. Maddie sat in her usual chair but the thick velv
et curtains were pulled across the window to shut out the weather and the light. She looked white faced and there was a tightness around her mouth.

  ‘Are you feeling all right, Maddie?’ I asked although I could see that she certainly didn’t look fine.

  She didn’t answer and I became worried. I started to ask her the same question when she turned an anxious face to me. ‘Ann, I think the baby’s coming.’

  I almost fell over in shock. ‘Oh, Maddie, why did you not tell Hattie? She would have been able to get your parents here to help you.’

  She gave me another anxious look and I saw the beads of sweat on her upper lip and her forehead. ‘I wasn’t really sure when she was here and I didn’t want to cause a false alarm.’

  ‘But you don’t think it is a false alarm? Is that what you’re saying, Maddie?’

  She nodded then her face contorted in a spasm of pain. I jumped towards her, unsure what task to do first.

  Thankfully Maddie’s voice was clear. ‘We did midwifery during my training – not a lot but I have an idea of what to expect. The pains weren’t regular when Hattie was here. That’s why I said nothing but they’re getting quite regular now.’

  ‘What do you want me to do first, Maddie?’ I tried to calm down and said a silent blessing for Connie’s annuals as at least I didn’t have to worry about Lily.

  Another spasm of pain came and the sweat was more distinct now as it ran in small trickles down her neck. When the pain passed, she said, ‘I’ve got my suitcase all packed. It’s in the bedroom.’

  I darted across to the bedroom and found the case sitting beside the wardrobe and I carried it through.

  ‘I’ll have to phone your mum, Maddie. What’s her number?’

  The one item I always thought was a luxury in this flat was the telephone but the previous owner had installed it and Maddie and Danny had merely taken it over. Now it was proving to be a blessing. She called out the number and I quickly dialled it. Thankfully I had learned to use a telephone when employed by Mrs Barrie at the Ferry so I wasn’t a complete novice. Mr Pringle’s cool and calm voice answered and I was aware of my own excited and high-pitched tone.