The Price of Desire

by PE Kavanagh

  “Aaah. I understand. That is why you want to cover yourself and leave quickly?”

  I nodded.

  He looked away as he moved his head almost imperceptibly up and down. “It does not happen very often in my life that I connect with someone like this. I did not come to Vegas to hook up. Quite the opposite in fact.” (What did that mean?) “Monique you are unlike any woman I’ve ever known and I certainly don't think you are any of those things you said.

  I don't really know what happened for you last night, although I would love for you to tell me, if you want. What I know is that I was so happy that you stayed with me, and that you opened yourself to me, and that I was able to be a part of something that was enjoyable for you. It was wonderful for me and I don't feel like I missed anything.”

  I was going to cry again. NO Monique, keep it together, I screamed in my own head. You do not need to keep falling apart in front of this guy. He is not the recipient of all your pain. He showed up in your life, has been awesome so far, and may or may not betray you like the others. You do not need to expose yourself any more.

  “It was… unexpected… for me. I haven't had so many good experiences lately and it brought some things up. It was really nice for me, no doubt, and I don't want you to think otherwise. You have been absolutely wonderful.” Clearly I had lost any control over what came out of my mouth. As if I had drunk a truth serum or something.

  “Thank you for being honest with me. And trusting me too.” He slipped under the covers, brought me to him and kissed me. Softly at first, then passionately. Our bodies intertwined and everything from the previous night rose in me again. He could have anything, anyone he wants, and just kept choosing me. I didn’t get it.

  I wanted to explore his body, magnificent as it was, to take my time, and feel him and taste him. I wanted to show him that I could give as well as receive, that I was intensely attracted to him. But he just wanted to give to me. He took charge in that beautiful bed and the small part of me that wanted to resist, to be in charge, was consumed by all the pleasure I experienced.

  He took the covers off of me and looked at my fully naked body. He refused to let me avert my eyes. He implored, Look at me. I want you to see me looking at you.

  The time passed too quickly and he was going to be late for his appointment. We left the suite in a flurry, promising to keep in touch during our busy days. His was filled with wedding activities, including the rehearsal dinner, and mine with my sisters, shopping for dresses, then taking Nora out for a family dinner.

  “Will I see you tonight?” he asked.

  “You mean you haven't had enough of me yet?”

  “Actually, I haven't had nearly enough of you.”

  The way he said that nearly buckled my knees.

  “We will have an early night tonight - the bride’s orders - so I will be here. In the room. When you get back from dinner.”

  His hinting was much more charming than subtle. This ability to be so direct and commanding, and then sweet, like a bashful boy, dissolved my heart every time.

  I didn’t want to answer directly. Some ridiculous vestige of playing hard to get, so I said, “I will let you know what we decide to do.”

  “I'll be waiting for you.”

  He walked me down to my room, even though I told him he didn’t have to. “Chivalry is not optional,” he declared.

  I opened my door to find Lizzy going through my clothes.

  “Hey Nik! I need to borrow your white t-shirt. Mine’s dirty.”

  “Hey Lizzy. Thanks for asking.”

  “Hey Marco! Where are my kisses?” We laughed as he entered the room and gave Lizzy her two kisses. What a good man...

  “Oh, you've decided to grace us with your presence.” The haughty voice from the other room was unmistakable. “Shall I assume you've not come back a virgin?” Nora opened the door and nearly jumped out of her shoes when she realized that Marco was also in the room. I shook my head in disgust at her, but didn’t speak.

  “Good morning Marco,” she said in a tone that was sheepish and defiant at the same time.

  “Nora.” He kissed her on both cheeks. Lizzy stood frozen, unable to speak, perhaps waiting for Nora to apologize for her rude remark. I knew better than to expect an apology coming from our sister.

  “Have a beautiful day ladies.” He strode toward the door, holding my hand. “And don't worry Nora, I have returned her as intact as she came to me. For now.”

  He kissed me at the door, handed me his key and said, “Use it.”

  It felt as if we’d condensed six months of relationship into two days and I’d just been asked to move in together. For a moment I forgot my sister's awful behavior and giggled like a little girl.

  “See you later,” was all I could manage.

  As soon as the door closed, I turned to glare at Nora. Sometimes she just went too far.

  “He told you!” Lizzy scoffed at Nora.

  “I didn't know he was in here! No need to make such a big deal about it. The real question is how come you're still intact. Is he a monk or something?”

  “No, he's not a monk, not that that's any business of yours anyway. God, Nora, is it really that hard to not be offensive every minute of your life?”

  “That was harsh, Nik,” said Lizzy.

  “I deserved it,” Nora said, which left us both open-mouthed and stunned. “Let’s start over, okay? I’m so glad we're spending the day together. And Nik, I really want to hear about your night. You two are looking like the king and queen of Vegas. Is there going to be a double wedding tomorrow?”

  “Shut up,” I said with a girlish grin. “Let me get ready so we can get this day started, okay?”

  “Okay,” they said in unison as they sat down on the bed and watched me expectantly.

  “Boy I’m really glad we paid for three rooms here,” I said sarcastically.

  “I'm sorry, who paid for three rooms?” asked Nora, who was bankrolling this particular jaunt.

  “Fine.” I resigned myself to an audience while I got ready. An audience that plied me with questions faster than I could answer them. Why didn't we have sex? What did we do, exactly? What did we talk about? Did I meet the chef? Am I going to sleep with Marco tonight?

  I answered what I could and didn’t withhold much. I downplayed my crying stint, although they could probably tell I was doing that. My sisters were well aware of both my emotional nature and my sordid history with heartbreak.

  We were in disbelief that not even 48 hours had passed. I knew this was a recurrent pattern for me – falling hard and fast. Lizzy too, although the inevitable crash always left her a bit less scarred than I’d been. Even Nora and Sam wasted no time. I wondered what it was about us that made us so vulnerable? Able to fall in love so quickly.

  These two days had been a surprise for me, certainly, but I understood this pace. Perhaps we were each trying to find our version of our parents’ love-at-first-sight magical story.

  The three of us skipped out of the room, credit cards ready for some major damage. There were no shortage of shopping opportunities and we planned to take advantage of most of them. Dresses topped on the list, but shoes, handbags, even lipsticks filled much of the afternoon. We giggled most of the day away, giddy with the experience of being together, and our respective recent excitements. Amazing men and a prestigious award kept us in broad smiles.

  I could tell from Nora’s face the few times that Sam’s name came up that she missed him. She would never have admitted it, of course, but she wanted him here, with her. Nora had such an obsession with independence that she kept the people she loved the most at arms-distance. It gratified her ego but I knew her heart suffered. I hatched a plan as I watched her pretend she didn’t miss him as much as I knew she did.

  I made an excuse to back-track to a shoe store we had seen earlier, while they were still trying on dresses. As soon as I was free, I dialed my phone.

  “Hi Sam, it's me. Listen, I need you to do something.”
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  Chapter Fourteen

  A Guide And A Plan

  The teacher Lalune was looking for found her. Actually, they found each other. Lalune accidentally barged into a meeting of the high elders, being held in her father’s chambers and heard Avanora speak.

  Lalune had always been fearful of and mesmerized by the old mermaid, who spoke with such reverence about their ancient customs that it made Lalune want to know more. Avanora described the magic that only the oldest of the mermaids still had, and all the traditions that had become uninteresting to the new generation. The young ones seemed only to be concerned with treasure and fun, she said.

  Avanora, whose eyes reflected something Lalune had never seen in the ocean, looked directly at Lalune when she asked the question, “What can we do to bring the passion back to our youth, instead of placating them with these all-too-easy lives?”

  “You can let them pursue what they love and be who they want to be.” It tumbled out of Lalune’s mouth before she knew what she was doing. The council, including her father, rose in an uproar at her discourteous addition to the conversation, and she was hastily escorted out of the room.

  “Who was that young mermaid?” asked Avanora.

  Embarrassed and angry, Lalune’s father admitted, “My daughter. Who should know better. I do apologize…”

  “No need to apologize. She spoke bravely and wisely. These are the qualities I speak about. So rarely seen in our community of youth anymore.”

  Avanora made a point to discover where she might find the young mermaid, and came across Lalune daydreaming near the surface.

  “It is not safe for you here. The land-walkers often bring their boats to this area and go diving.”

  Lalune was so shocked to have been found, that she could not speak for a moment.

  “How did you find me?”

  “You have not kept your hiding places secret.” Avanora smiled, with a disconcerting familiarity.

  “I did not realize… I just love the light up here. The constant darkness below makes me… sad.”

  “I see that, child. Your sadness has also evaded secrecy.”

  “I am sorry for barging in on your meeting. Are you here to scold me? I'm sure my father is preparing my punishment as well.”

  “I have no intention of scolding you. Or punishing you. I am here to help you.”

  “Help me? With what?” Lalune had to watch herself. These old mermaids had stronger magic. Maybe she was able to read her mind.

  “Your heart’s desire.”

  “I do not know what you are talking about.” Lalune could hardly hide the fear and excitement in her voice. Could this really be the mermaid who would help her? She had to be careful. Maybe this mermaid was a spy sent by her father.

  “I see.” Avanora’s pause lasted an eternity. “Well, my dear, you can find me at the blue cave whenever you are ready. Be well, child.”

  Avanora swam away, with Lalune’s eyes wide, following every move. There was no time to process what had happened as Lalune’s sisters swam by with their friends.

  “What are you doing here?” they asked her, accusingly.

  “I could ask you the same thing.”

  “Are you in one of your moods again?”

  “No, Adina. I am not in any mood. Just minding my own business.”

  “You should not be up here. It is too close to the surface.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “We are headed toward the island, if you must know. Not hanging around, waiting to get caught. You are one fishing net away from being gone forever.”

  “That is an awful thing to say, Adina!” At least her younger sister was more compassionate.

  “I am not planning on getting caught in any fishing lines. Thank you for your concern.”

  “We should go. Before the seals make a mess of things.” Adina looked back at her sister with an expression that might have been remorse. If Lalune chose to see it that way.

  “Bye Lalune,” they all said.

  “Bye…”

  It took days before Lalune mustered the courage to go to the blue cave. She realized that even if it was a trap, it was her only option at this point. More punishment could not be any worse than the imprisonment she was already experiencing.

  “I am so glad you have decided to come see me, Lalune.”

  “I do not really know why I am here.”

  “I think you do. But we do not have to talk about that just yet. Shall we go for a swim? I would like to show you one of my favorite places.”

  They headed off in a direction Lalune did not recognize, away from the small island and most of the mermaids’ activities.

  They arrived at an outcropping of shimmering rocks that reached all the way to the surface of the water.

  “It is beautiful here. I can feel… something.”

  “You have not lost your sensitivity. That is good. This is a special place, where our kind have come for millennia.”

  “What happens here?”

  Avanora told her the story of a mermaid who had lived her life never feeling like she belonged in the ocean. She studied the land-walkers so closely that she eventually fell in love with one and decided to cross over.

  “She did what?” Lalune could not believe her ears.

  “She decided to leave us, child, and join the other world.”

  “What happened to her?”

  “She lived and died many years ago, after a full and beautiful life as a land-walker. I knew her quite well. And although I miss her terribly, I know she had to leave us. This was not her true home.”

  “I do not understand…”

  “Lalune, there are few creatures as blessed as we are. Our ocean kingdom is bountiful and beautiful, and brings most of us the greatest joy. But there are some, who are born… different. They do not belong here. What the Great Mother has given them belongs in the other world. If they do not heed this call, it will consume and destroy them.”

  “You are scaring me, Avanora.”

  “You are afraid because you know this is your journey. It happens rarely, but only to those who have the strength to survive the transformation, and to survive out there, where things are very different.”

  “I want to go back, Avanora. Please take me back.”

  “Of course, child. But first, I want you to feel where you are right now. The magic is strongest here, and a bit further toward shore as well. You can feel it, can you not?”

  Lalune was too shaken to answer.

  The old mermaid relented. “Follow me.”

  Lalune found it difficult to follow the old mermaid, so absorbed in the swirl of her thoughts. When they had returned to the cove, Lalune was still unable to formulate a coherent response to what she had experienced.

  “Do not worry, Lalune. This is much to process right now. I know you have been holding this in for a long time and you need time to understand. You know where to find me. I can help you.”

  For days, Lalune swam past the old mermaid’s cove, then turned back before being seen. The fear was too much.

  Then Avanora appeared at her home, again, for another council meeting. Before leaving, Avanora found Lalune, and said only these words: “The world will be changed by your voice. Let it be heard.”

  No one had ever spoken to Lalune so directly before, as if the sound had come from inside her own heart. It felt like a current she could not fight, and it shook the unrelenting despair from her soul and turned it into hope. She could not hide any longer or let the fear stop her.

  The two mermaids began to meet every morning. Avanora shared all she knew about making the transition and they worked together to get Lalune ready for the biggest event of her life.

  Time, fluid as it was in the underwater world, began to move much more quickly for Lalune as she immersed herself in her preparations and lessons. There were materials to collect, rituals to learn, and spells to practice so that she could walk, talk and think as the land-walkers did.

  The mo
st difficult incantation would reorganize her skeleton so she could stand and walk, but Avanora assured her that she would be fast asleep and feel no pain. There were the communication spells, so that their language would make sense in her ears and her mouth would form the correct sounds.

  Finally, there was the issue of covering her new body. The land-walkers were almost never bare, as she had been her whole life, and she had to be prepared with material to conceal herself. The details revealed themselves with each passing day.

  “This is how it is done,” Avanora said, weeks into their lessons. “You must arrive at the smaller rock patch, a few leagues past the area I took you, undetected, and bring your whole body out of the water. Leave plenty of time so that the full moon does not catch you too soon.

  With the shell placed on your tongue, lie as still as you can until the sun rises. Repeat the spell, only to yourself, but do not let even a whisper pass your lips or the energy will not be sufficient for the transformation. Do you understand, Lalune?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. You are learning quickly. There are very few I would trust with this information. It could be dangerous for all of us.”

  “I understand.“ Lalune wanted to leave. Be done with the work of the day and be alone.

  “I understand why your heart brings you to this crossroad. And why you want to run away from it.”

  “I must go now, Avanora.” Lalune did not want to be sharp or impatient with Avanora, she had done so much for her, risked everything to teach her the secret. But she needed to see the place with her own eyes. Where she would leave this world behind.

  She traveled slowly toward the magical spot, to see for herself how it would feel, when the time was right. Upon arriving at the larger outcropping of rocks, still a distance from her ultimate destination, Lalune felt unable to continue. She decided she was not yet strong enough, and would double her efforts in completing her studies.