The Price of Desire

by PE Kavanagh

  She knew this was exactly what she had to do, yet grieved all she was giving up. She could not dare ask, “What if it won’t be worth it?”

  There would be no one to take care of her, Lalune realized, which meant she had to master the intricacies of survival as a land-walker. They lived highly individual and transactional lives, compared to the mermaids, so she would have to be very clever. The sea would no longer offer her everything she needed, nor protect her from harm.

  The first few days would be the most difficult, Avanora warned her. This was when her adaptation skills would be weakest and the land-walkers would be most suspicious. The exact steps for interaction and assimilation had to be executed perfectly. There was no room for error. Or even for enjoying her new state as a land-walker until she had found safe shelter, and stayed out of the water for one entire earth cycle.

  Occasionally, Lalune wondered how it was that Avanora knew so much about life on land, but those questions never had time to root with the enormity of information that filled her mind.

  Avanora spoke freely about Lalune’s dream of singing, and for the first time in her life, Lalune felt sure that it would happen. Only in the quietest moments, when the flurry of activity stilled, did the vast array of doubts float to the surface of Lalune’s thoughts.

  “What will everyone think of me for leaving our paradise?”

  “You must let those thoughts go. They are fear speaking. You know what your life is supposed to be. No one’s dissent can change that.”

  The surprises came fast and frequent in the discovery of an entirely new way of being. Lalune dedicated herself to this process like nothing she had ever attempted before, being very careful not to attract unwanted attention for her secretive life.

  She did not think there could be anything more that she did not know when Avanora halted their lessons one day to speak about love.

  “Today, we are going to learn about your life as a woman, a female land-walker. You must know about love, dear one. It will feature prominently in your future.”

  “I do not care about love, Avanora. I just want to sing.”

  “These desires are not so different, my dear. It is important you understand what will happen to you. You will have a woman's body, but you will always have a mermaid's heart. We are unlike them, on the inside. Our feelings are more intense. You will have to be careful to see things clearly.” Avanora felt from the look on Lalune’s face that she had to repeat herself.

  “Always remember you will never be exactly like them. We cannot remove or transform the inner spirit. It will make you softer than them, so please, be careful.

  Even as a land-walker you will retain your mystical beauty, so the males will be very drawn to you. You must be cautious and use your intuition. When you find the right one, it will feel as if you have come back to the sea. Your body will feel more alive and the human world will look as beautiful as our undersea world. You must wait until that happens.”

  “What do you mean, the right one?”

  “We love freely here, but on land it is done differently. The land-walkers search for the one true love. Many do not find each other, but you will. All your feelings will be directed toward only one man.”

  “Really, Avanora. I am not interested in the land-walker males. They are odd and... scary.”

  “Yes, I understand, my dear. But when you change, your feelings will change.”

  Lalune was almost embarrassed to ask this. “Will I mate with this male?”

  “Yes, with one you love. It will bring you enormous amounts of pleasure. Do not fear it. You will marry and start a family, a beautiful family. They will be land-walkers and never need to know your past. Unless you tell them.”

  A flash of darkness crossed Avanora’s face, which Lalune noticed.

  “What is it? What if they come out with tails?” Lalune was honestly worried.

  “They will not, but they will surely carry some of our magic, which will be wonderful for them, if they use it well. Sometimes… the offspring will need to adapt… differently. It is not something you should worry about now.”

  Avanora did not want to continue on this subject.

  “You and your family will lead blessed lives, Lalune, if they open their hearts. The children will love in the same way we love, but their guidance might be muddied by their land-walker bodies. They may falter in a way that will not happen for you, but they will find their way. As you will find yours. Do not be afraid.”

  “But I am afraid.”

  “I know. That is how you know this is important.”

  “Maybe I will not be able to do it, Avanora. Maybe it will be too hard of a life for me, so used to the simplicity of our kingdom.”

  “I know why you say that. Your soul has not chosen the easy path, Lalune. But your calling to live a different way indicates your ability to succeed. The seed of your new life is embedded in your visions and fantasies of it. Trust that what you have been feeling your whole life holds the truth. It is the fear that is an illusion.”

  “What if I cannot do it? Will I ever be able to return?”

  “That is much more complicated, dear. I would not make the transformation if you are not sure. Returning is not easy.”

  “Please tell me. What would happen?”

  “If you return, it is irreversible. You only get one chance. You would be gone from the world of land and the ones who love you would be very sad.”

  “Could I bring them with me?”

  “Only the one true love would be able to come with you.”

  “Would he become one of us?”

  “Yes. He would fully transform. But this would also be irreversible. Please understand that.”

  “Yes, Avanora. I do,” Lalune said, not quite sure if she did.

  It was overwhelming, but the certainty of her decision filled her as soon as she remembered the dreams she had been carrying her whole life. There was no way to guarantee that any of it would work, from the transformation, to the life she would build as a land-walker. The only guarantee was the impossibility of her continuing life as a mermaid.

  “I will do my best, Avanora. I know what I have to do. I will make my way in that world, I will be a great singer. Love or not. I must go now. See you tomorrow.”

  Over the next few days, Lalune could tell that something was bothering Avanora, but neither of them spoke of it. Lalune worried that perhaps Avanora disapproved of her progress.

  “We have spoken of many things, my dear. You have been a good student,“ Avanora said.

  Lalune was relieved.

  “There is one last piece, however, which I must tell you. I do not want this to frighten you.”

  Lalune’s heart gripped. Had there not been enough to take in?

  “I want to know, Avanora. I must know. Whatever it is.”

  “You will be given something greater than any other mermaid.” Avanora paused, trying to find the right words. “Changing worlds is a grand act. One which does not come without a price. In your life as a land-walker, you will have to return the gift.”

  “Return the gift? I do not understand.”

  “Something… someone very dear to you will be taken away. One life for another. Loss is a normal part of the other world. But you may feel it much more deeply than your new kind. You will experience something painful. We never know when or how. But it is inevitable.”

  All the possibilities flashed before Lalune. Would she lose a child, or her true love, or someone else in her life?

  “You are very strong, Lalune. That is why you were chosen. You will recover.”

  Lalune did not know what she should be thinking, or asking.

  “I do not want you to worry about this. It is woven into the material of a land-walker life. I… I did not want you to be unprepared.”

  “Oh, Avanora. I cannot think about this. I want to have a life in the land-walker world. I am afraid of the pain, of the difficulties. But I cannot let it stop me.”

  “Exactly, my
child. I knew you would understand.”

  Lalune did not know whether she did or did not. Regardless, the plan would go forward.

  “The other issue is much smaller.”

  Lalune was surprised that there was more. Was this not enough of a price?

  Avanora continued. “Your offspring will carry something from this world.”

  “Yes, I know, Avanora. You told me that. But you said they would not have tails.”

  “Yes, that is true. Physically, they will be like all the other land-walkers.”

  “Then, what is it?” Lalune’s voice shook.

  “You will have an easy time knowing what is in your heart when it comes to love. Your senses will still be as sharp as they are here. But the children… they may falter.”

  “Yes, I remember you saying that as well.”

  “They may make poor choices. This is also normal. And carries consequences, just like it does for any creatures, on sea or land.”

  “Then what is the issue?”

  “Should they make poor choices in love, it will be much more difficult for them. They will feel the pain more intensely, and the Great Mother will often take drastic measures to reassure balance is restored.”

  “This does not sound so bad, Avanora.” Lalune was not sure if she had understood completely.

  “No, it is not so bad. But their lives may not be free of painful situations.”

  Lalune felt tired by all of this information. She found it hard to not allow defeat into her heart.

  “No lives are free of pain, Avanora. Is that not true?”

  “Aaaah, yes, you are correct.” Avanora smiled at Lalune’s wisdom. “Teach them to choose wisely, Lalune. Then, it will be easier for all of you.”

  “I must go now, Avanora. There is too much for me to think about. I will return tomorrow, ready to begin again.”

  “As you wish, dearest one.”

  Avanora watched Lalune swim away, with a heart full of excitement and sadness.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Unions And Reunions

  The nearly perfect day of shopping was topped off by a surprisingly quiet dinner. Cruising around Las Vegas searching for the perfect gown had tired us out enough to dissolve any snarky attitudes. Nora picked from the list of restaurants to which I was given a special invitation, and we got the royal treatment. The magnificent meal, and my loving sisters, formed a delicious experience.

  We were giddy with excitement about the next day’s events and ecstatic over the food. Our connection created a smile that circled the table throughout the entire meal. Even though I often found them ridiculous, and impossible, I adored my sisters. They taught me dedication, commitment, and joy.

  I didn’t worry about Nora – she’d created a near-perfect life for herself, which included her true love. The possibility that Lizzy just might have found the man of her dreams this weekend gave me the chills. It made no rational sense, but I couldn’t deny what I saw. She was one of the most loving people I had ever met, just like Dad and Danny, and deserved nothing less than to be swept off her feet by a true prince charming.

  My fate was still in question. Did I dare let myself acknowledge what had been happening with Marco? He wasn’t perfect, but he appeared to be as perfect for me as any human being I’d known. All evidence pointed to too good to be true but I wanted to believe that there was no cruel twist waiting for me. It’s so fast, I kept telling myself. Slow down.

  My inability to trust a man, and to trust my feelings, would have to shift if I wanted to create something with Marco. So far, I was the only obstacle in this potential relationship.

  I left my sisters after dinner, none of us able to put into words all we were feeling. The walk to the penthouse elevator stretched to fill a surprising amount of time. I must have been walking slowly although I was vibrating with anticipation and nervousness.

  As I stood outside his door with the key inches away from the lock, I breathed deeply to gather my strength. I was crystal clear on my intention for this evening: to demonstrate to Marco the woman that I wanted to be - sexy, confident, generous, and loving. The kind of woman this man deserved. I desperately wanted to be her.

  My key slid easily in and out, and the unmistakable click let me know it was time to enter.

  I walked past my favorite view of the Vegas skyline to his bedroom, where I found Marco sitting up in bed with his reading glasses on, and a book in his lap. I watched his surprised expression change to glee as I sauntered toward him.

  “You made it.” He smiled so broadly I thought his face might split.

  “I missed you,” I said as I sat down next to him, removed his glasses and relocated the book. I was determined to be courageous. And I did miss him.

  In between the kisses I lightly planted on his face, he asked, “You did? How much?”

  “You're about to find out,” I replied.

  For the next hour my mouth made it to nearly every inch of his body, moving with infinite patience, and saving the best for last. I should have predicted that he would have a beautiful cock, but it still surprised me as I remove his pajama bottoms. Straight and hard, with skin so soft I wanted to rub it against my face. I’d been thinking about having him in my mouth almost since the moment we met. My oral fixation, more often satisfied by the creations of my kitchen, was undeniable.

  I licked him like a lollipop, slowly and firmly, as he grew more and more excited. He gasped as my warm mouth finally surrounded him. Stroking him with my hand, I brought him in and out of my mouth, passing over my wet lips then filling to the back of my throat, over and over.

  He was generous with the guidance I needed to get it just right – a word here, a gentle movement there, helping me know what was working. I enjoyed him like the dessert after my delicious meal and wanted him to feel as loved by me as I had by him.

  I invited any thoughts of self-consciousness and inadequacy to float away. Watching him experiencing so much pleasure filled my own body with the same.

  Increasing the pace, I sensed his climax approaching, while his arms gently pushed against my shoulders, trying to move me away. I caught his eye and smiled, letting him know it was okay to keep going. This was nearly the best part for me.

  His groans became more insistent as he held my shoulders strongly. He was on the verge of orgasm as I teased him with my tongue on the tip of his cock, then took him into my mouth again. He couldn’t hold himself back anymore.

  “Bella, I'm coming,” he growled. His head arched back and his groans filled the room. The pulsing of his cock undulated through his whole body and then mine. I held him until my mouth was full of him.

  I didn’t move until he had completely finished, lying quietly with his eyes closed. He looked a bit stunned, so I moved slowly off of him and slid up until we were face to face. Without opening his eyes, he took my mouth to his and kissed me deeply. His hands slid under my dress and slipped it off in one move. We flipped over and he was on top of me.

  We paused there for a moment, contemplating the implications of what might be the next step. There wasn’t a single article of clothing between us. Was I ready for us to consummate our relationship? Was he, especially since he just had an orgasm?

  I didn’t doubt his desire for me in that moment, but I could sense resistance, and wasn’t sure if it was coming from him or me. I was scared, even after the intimate moment we’d just shared. I did much better when the attention wasn’t on me.

  We gazed at each other while our bodies found their way. The gentle rise and fall of our breath, with a tender urgency, accompanied the communication between our eyes. I wanted to say something but didn’t know what. I wanted him to make the decision for the both of us.

  He moved my legs open with his thigh as he kissed my neck. “That was amazing, Monique. You are a woman of so many surprises.”

  “Glad you liked it,” I said cheekily.

  “I’m so happy you came here tonight. I was worried you’d had enough of me,” he said, recal
ling what I’d said to him earlier. Our bodies were grinding. The smallest move and he would have been inside me.

  If only he knew how much I wanted him. How I’d spent the whole day thinking about him, imagining what this night would be like, and fantasizing about our lives together. I was infatuated.

  But I didn’t want to get hurt and even though it had only been a few days, I was already too invested in the relationship. Would it end in heartbreak, as all the others had?

  “Why would you think that I’d had enough of you?”

  “Everything has been so perfect. It’s easy to think that it’s too good to be true. And you… well, I feel you pulling away sometimes. I don’t really know what that means.” He laid the truth before me. Would I honor it?

  “I see... You’re probably right.”

  I wasn’t not sure, from the look on his face whether he was surprised or relieved. “What are you afraid of, Monique?”

  A ball of defensiveness rose to the back of my throat and forced the words out. “What makes you think I'm afraid?”

  “I can feel it. In your body. Maybe I'm wrong.”

  “Well… it’s… I… just want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing.”

  “Do you know what the right thing is?”

  “I don’t know. I feel confused with you. I mean I think I do, but I'm not sure.”

  “What if I told you that I am afraid? I feel disoriented and… we could easily just sleep together but it feels like something more important is happening.”

  His clarity and honesty prevented me from continuing the charade any longer.

  “I am afraid, Marco. You’re right. I'm trying to appear much more together than I am. Inside it’s a whirlwind and I can’t find my legs underneath me. I'm trying so hard to make a rational decision and it’s impossible. I don’t understand why.”

  “I think it’s alright, Monique, that we feel this way. I think it’s exactly as it’s supposed to be. We can decide to slow down and see if the fear works its way out, or just move forward. We’re in charge of this situation. Do you agree?”