The Price of Desire

by PE Kavanagh

  “Yes I do. It’s just that my body is feeling such desire for you. It’s my heart that… is feeling vulnerable and my mind is spinning with all the reasons this can’t actually be happening.”

  “But it is happening. I'm right here, with you. I'm not in your imagination. I'm right here next to you. Feel me. Let’s be in this together.”

  His gaze turned directly to me as he softly asked, “Will you tell me what you want?” I remembered that same question in front of the window, our first full night together. Last night. It felt like months ago.

  “I want to be happy,” came from my lips, which I regretted almost immediately. What a banal thing to say.

  “What will make you happy?”

  The heart of the issue revealed itself. “Maybe I don’t know.”

  Everything was getting too raw, then the perfect diversion popped into my head. “What do you want?” Turning the question around might have given me time to get myself together.

  “I want you to be happy.”

  That was tricky, really tricky. “That's not fair,” I said, unable to stop myself from smiling.

  “These past few days, with you, have been remarkable. Really. I don't know if I’ve ever experienced anything like this, connecting with someone so quickly and on so many levels. I am very attracted to you, Monique, as I hope you have seen. I don’t want to presume anything. Although in our current state...”

  Of course. We were naked, together, in his bed. I felt foolish. And childish. And overdramatic. I was making a mess of an otherwise perfect situation. I wanted to vanish.

  “Does what I said upset you?”

  “No,” I lied.

  “I don't want to upset you, Bella. I want you to feel comfortable with what happens here. And I see you are not comfortable.”

  Snap into shape Monique! Put on your grown-up panties, and be a reasonable adult. Right now.

  “I'm not upset,” lying again. “It's hard for me to tell what's really going on. It does feel too good to be true, for me too.”

  He moved his body completely off mine, then wrapped his arms around me. The heat of the previous moment began to fade. He looked tired. I was frustrated by my own ineptitude.

  “Do you think I am not who you think I am, or this is not what you think it is?”

  “It’s always so hard to tell, don't you think? Or maybe it's me. Always over-analyzing and over-complicating everything. Not wanting to trust when something feels too good. I don't want it to be this way. And yet, it’s what I do. I’m sorry I’m being like this. I’m sure you just want to have a good time and I’m being so fucking dramatic about everything.”

  He nodded, but didn’t speak. Self-consciousness crawled across my bare skin. I wanted to hide.

  “I don't know if you are being dramatic or not, but there's nothing here that is not as I would want it to be.” The seriousness of his voice pierced my worry. “We both have pasts, Bella. We're old enough to not have escaped unharmed from love's little adventures. I'm not just looking to have fun. It would be much easier, sure. Also meaningless.”

  He lifted my face to see his. “We get to choose what we want Monique. You and I. Maybe there are other people or circumstances outside this room, but right here and right now it's just you and me in this bed with absolute free will.”

  I felt as if I was being schooled, full of discomfort and humiliation. Why was this such a big deal for me? I’d had casual sex in my life, and yet this was so intense. I couldn’t tell if it was a sign of danger, or a sign of importance. I was trying so hard to be logical, to get my head clear. It was as if I was swirling underwater and couldn’t find the surface. What was happening to me?

  “I know that,” I mumbled.

  “So let's choose.” He kissed me. I kissed him back. I closed my eyes and realized how nice it was to be in bed, with that man, making each other feel good. If I could let myself be in the amazing moment I was currently living, none of the drama would be necessary.

  His hand gently stroked my belly, grasped my hipbone, then slipped between my legs. The fire lit, once again.

  We spent the few remaining hours of the night exploring and enjoying each other with our hands and our mouths, without crossing any lines, or triggering any more drama on my part. He studied me, and my reactions, just as he had mentioned at the pool, and I did the same for him. I plied him with questions about his likes and dislikes. The connection between us deepened even though the relationship remained unconsummated. Joyful satisfaction made a rare appearance as the anxiety took a brief hiatus and I fell asleep in his arms.

  We woke in a tangle of bodies and sheets. It took me some time to figure out where my limbs ended and his began. When I inched toward his body, he instinctively pulled me in even closer. His good morning to me pressed against my leg. Our mouths met and the heat built very quickly. I pulled him on top of me and opened my legs. He slid between them and I knew this was it.

  I was completely ready for him, after a night of arousal and pleasure, almost not awake enough for the neurosis to begin. He responded with a thrilling urgency.

  “Please get a condom,” I whispered. He moved swiftly to the side of the bed, and easily back into position. He paused to look at me, asking me with his eyes if this is what I wanted.

  “Yes,” I said out loud, and moved his hips over mine.

  The initial sensation of him entering me was transcendent. This was my favorite moment of lovemaking, anticipation and recognition meeting in a delicious flash. I could hardly contain myself as he slowly filled more and more of me. Both of us moved in slow motion. I closed my eyes and floated in the sheer pleasure of him on top of me, inside me, breathing on my neck, kissing my face, moving with me.

  He stopped for a moment when my body had taken him in completely and we both caught our breath. My resistance, my uncertainty, and my denial dissolved. I just wanted this man to continue lighting my body on fire.

  He slid his palm underneath my lower back, changing the angle of my hips and entered me even more deeply. The animal-like groan from my lips was hardly recognizable to me.

  “Does that feel good?”

  I couldn’t speak. Only moan. I danced with him, surrendering to his lead, and allowing myself to be free of anything other than what I was experiencing in the moment. The truth was clear - I was loving this man and he was loving me back. I let myself fall completely into his strong arms and the power of his body. He knew the way.

  It was so hard to keep my eyes open, immersed in the remarkable sensation of his rhythmic stroking, but I forced myself to look at him. The pleasure in his eyes was undeniable.

  Despite the fact that it had been a very long time since I’d had an orgasm from intercourse, I was currently feeling the possibility. Without a doubt. Would this man break my frigid spell? Would I be able to relax enough, to not get tense and try to force things along, to let my body do what it supposedly knew how to do?

  Marco had already shown me patience and skill, taking me there with his hands, but I wasn’t sure if I could break my own pattern. My body wanted to release into him so badly, but fear kept me away. I repeated to myself, let go, let go.

  “I have you. Nothing to hold onto, Bella. Let yourself go. With me.”

  His words entered from a place beyond hearing. Was it possible he understood the jumbled mess that was happening inside me? He kept proving to me over and over that that was true.

  Marco lifted my thigh toward my chest, opening me up even further and sped up. His breath made it clear he was moving closer to climax and I opened my eyes to watch him. For the next several minutes we were connected in every way. I watched him growing more excited and my own body responded. As he slowed down, I drew him in deeper and whispered, “Don't stop. Please.”

  He resisted, so I wrapped my legs tightly around him, bringing his face to mine and said, “Yes.”

  I wanted to feel him come inside me. I stopped worrying about my own orgasm and focused on his.

  He struggle
d, wanting to wait for me. I kept pressing him, intent on bringing him to orgasm. The conflict created even more heat between us, and I pulled his mouth to mine. And then everything slowed down.

  “Mi amor,” he groaned. Loudly. Something electric filled me as I felt him climax. The heat ignited the deepest part of my body, transforming me into something other than flesh. There was no question that I was in the right place with the right person and that I no longer needed to explain what was happening between us. Some primordial part of me knew that he was the one. It was nothing short of magical.

  I didn’t orgasm; I woke up to a new world. The room filled with the first light of day and everything shimmered. I didn’t breathe or need to breathe.

  He continued to pulse and shake for some time, whispering, “Mi amor, mi amor.”

  “Si, si. Muy bien.”

  He laughed at my childish Spanish and the spell was broken. We were back to being a man and a woman in a bed in Las Vegas. But it was different. All my fretting was gone. I felt wonderful and beautiful and loved. No doubts could live in the bright light of that morning.

  “Buenos dias, Marco.”

  “Buenos dias, Bella. Mi amor.” I closed my eyes and let him hold me as we slipped into sleep again.

  I woke up with my back to him, his arms wrapped around me, like tangled spoons. He was stroking my face, my breasts, my belly, and then below. He found me wet and ready and exhaled deeply. “Monique…”

  His fingers glided over me, just like the first night and I knew what would happen next. Or was I dreaming? No, the electricity in my body told me I was very much awake.

  I moved his hand and rolled onto my belly. He understood, bringing my hips back to his, and entering me from behind. His hand reached around and began to stroke me again. This combination, his fingers and his cock caressing me at the same time, was going to take me completely over the edge, my thoughts of frigidity a distant memory. “Marco,” I thought and spoke and felt.

  “Si, mi amor. For you.”

  Patiently, he moved my hips to find the right angle to touch me the way he knew would work, and to keep entering me a bit at a time. He knew exactly when to speed up and when to slow down, when to press deeper, and when to back off. I floated on the edge of orgasm for what felt like days, with no interest in pushing or pulling anything along. I let myself sink into the ocean of pleasure I was experiencing. When my body began to buckle with the intensity of it all, he held me up. It was happening.

  A cry from the bottom of my being rose out of my mouth. My body was white hot flames and the crack of electricity. But I was underwater, in another world. He held me as I came and came and came. I didn’t think it would ever end and I had no interest in stopping it.

  My body collapsed, sprawled out on the bed, face down, unable to move. His hands stroked my back, soft kisses caressed my shoulder. He moved my hair to see my face. It took everything I had to open my eyes and look at him. I love you filled my mind. I wasn’t sure if I’d said it out loud.

  Marco beamed at me. His face was in soft focus. “Are you happy?”

  “No.” His face changed. “I am ecstatic.” The smile returned. “You are an amazing lover,” I told him, looking straight into his eyes.

  “You are the source of all this, Monique. It’s not me. It's you...”

  Chapter Sixteen

  White Wedding

  When I woke up again, it was afternoon. A glance at the clock shocked me awake.

  “Holy shit!”

  “What's wrong?” I’d frightened him awake.

  “We overslept. Nora’s ceremony is in a few hours. I have to go! She’s going to kill me!”

  “And maybe me too!” He sprung out of bed and began to gather my belongings. We were both dressed and out the door in minutes. Since it was Vegas, no one gave us a second look in our clearly disheveled states.

  He insisted on walking me to my room again. This time I gratefully accepted. Every moment of this time together was enhanced. The way he held my hand, the way he touched my back, the way he kissed me. The world had gotten brighter and more luminescent. I glided more than walked.

  At my door, he said, “These next few hours without you will be like I am underwater, unable to breathe.”

  “Grow gills, darling. I’ll see you very soon.”

  I watched him as he walked away, then tore myself away from that beautiful sight to enter the frenzy I was sure was happening in my room.

  The girls stopped when I entered, saying nothing. They were looking for Marco.

  “He’s not here.”

  “Oh my God! What happened? You look like a total mess, Nik. You did it, didn't you? The slutty dress worked?”

  “Let her get a word in will you?” implored Nora.

  “I love him.” I couldn’t believe I said it.

  “No, sweetheart. You are just flooded with some biochemicals that feel like love. It’s just lust.”

  “I love him, Nora. I’m serious. Something happened up there that I’ve never experienced. Never, in my forty plus years as a woman. I don't even feel like the same person anymore.”

  “Oh my God Nik!” Lizzy exclaimed. She had to sit down. She might have been crying.

  Nora was unconvinced. “You just got properly fucked my dear. That's all. Okay? That’s what a really good screw feels like. Don't confuse it with love. That's trouble in the making.”

  “Shut up Nora! Look at her? Doesn’t she look different to you? I think you do, Nik. I think you look like a woman in love.”

  “Thank you sweetie. I feel amazing. Absolutely amazing. I swear to you something magical happened. I wish I could explain it.”

  Nora sighed deeply, exasperated by her romantic and foolhardy sisters. “No time for that now. It’s a big day, if you happened to remember. Time to scrape your lover's stuff off your dirty body and get ready.”

  “Yes, boss,” I said as I give her a hug.

  “Love you,” she said.

  “Love you too.”

  “I guess you two will continue rummaging through my stuff while I’m in the shower?”

  “Yup,” they said in unison. “I might ask Lola to take me shopping. She did a really great job with you,” Lizzy added.

  I returned to find Lizzy doing Nora’s makeup. They were such beautiful women. Sometimes it surprised me, even though I’d been looking at them my whole life. Nora had dark eyes and hair, like our mother, and Lizzy was all gold and pink, with Dad’s blue eyes. With me in the middle, we made a perfect progression from one parent to another.

  It was half an hour before we had to be downstairs. I was finishing up my own hair and makeup when the knock on the door startled all of us. Lizzy, aware of the surprise, jumped up to answer it.

  She greeted Sam with kisses on both cheeks.

  “Well that was nice!” he exclaimed.

  Nora must have heard a man's voice. “No more lovers in here, ladies. It’s time to go!”

  Sam opened the door wide and said, “No more lovers? Not even just one?”

  Nora stood stunned and silent. This had happened so rarely in my life that I would have hardly recognized her expression, but it was becoming a habit in Vegas. Was she mad? Was I going to be in big trouble for arranging this? We all stood completely still, waiting for Nora to react. No one breathed.

  “You’re here,” she said in disbelief.

  “Of course I’m here sweetheart. Where else would I be?”

  She ran to him and wrapped her long body around his. “I can't believe you're here. How did this happen?”

  Instead of answering, he kissed her. Passionately.

  Lizzy and I were mesmerized by the scene of our sister expressing her adoration of her partner, and Sam reciprocating even more back at her. They were captivating to watch – beautiful, strong, completely enamored with each other. I drifted to the possibility of Marco and I ever having even a small piece of this. My heart beat faster as I thought about seeing him in a few hours.

  “Okay, you two. I
need to finish getting dressed. Get out of here.” They went off to Nora’s room, hand in hand. It looked like I was safe.

  Lizzy jumped up and down, “You did it, you did it! Look Nik, did you see how happy she was? You really did it!”

  “Yes, baby girl. We did good.”

  My mind was filled with my unusual big sister as I got myself ready.

  Nora reminded me of Mom, but in a strange way. Their personalities were nearly opposite, but they looked exactly alike. And then there was the sadness that no one could name or fix. The one I shared, but Danny and Lizzy seemed not to have inherited.

  I wondered what would fill that hole for Nora. I couldn’t imagine that there was anything she wanted that she didn’t already have, or have plans to achieve. It had always been no nonsense with her.

  Sometimes, I watched her stare off into space, like Mom used to, and like I still do. I understood the source of my sadness and yearning. At least I thought I did. But Nora’s was unclear. What was she dreaming of? What was she wishing for? And what could we do to help her get it?

  I didn’t think it was an issue with her career. Nora loved what she did, although still blamed our parents for forcing her into it. She was right. She was the good girl who did as she was told. But there was nothing else that she would have wanted to do, whether she admitted it or not.

  Nora even liked the politics of getting ahead in academia. She played the game better than anyone I’d ever seen, stopping at nothing short of success at every goal she created. Thinking about it, I realized that’s how she’d always been with relationships as well. She’d never been the victim. Always the victor.

  Even after Lizzy and I were both ready, the conspicuous sounds continued from Nora’s room.

  “Nona, do you want us to wait for you?” we asked, cautiously, using our pet name for her, invented by Lizzy when Nora had been too hard to say.

  “No,” she answered breathlessly. “Don't wait!” We fell into the silliest, girly giggles, knowing exactly what was going on next door.

  The two of us walked hand in hand, as we’d been doing since we were kids, all the way to the ballroom. Lizzy updated me on her adventures with Esteban, describing the double wedding we were going to have, our matching dresses and how the wedding band would only play Salsa.