The Heart of Winter

by Emma Hannigan

  Holly hung up and explained that Mrs Hogan asked if there was any chance she might be able to do a little welcome home party for them in two days’ time.

  ‘Owen will be dying to introduce us all to his wife Cindy and their son Scott. Mrs Hogan wants to know if I could do a mulled wine and mince pie reception here at Huntersbrook.’

  Holly had made a management decision to accommodate Mrs Hogan come what may.

  ‘If nothing else it will give me something to do for the next two days. I’ll need some extra back up so I’ll call Chef Sally too.’

  ‘Sounds great, Mum. Well done.’

  Quite out of the blue, Holly burst into sobs. Pippa made eyes at Danny to go. He excused himself and went back to the dining room.

  ‘Mum, what is it?’

  ‘I can’t bear another minute of this awful situation with Lainey. It’s killing me. I miss Ely so badly it hurts and I wish to God we could resolve all this. It’s nearly Christmas and for the first time ever – I’m dreading it.’

  ‘Oh Mum,’ Pippa said hugging her. ‘Why don’t I have a word with Lainey. Or even better, let’s call Jules? She’ll listen to Jules . . .’

  ‘No love,’ Holly said sighing as if from her toes. ‘I need to sort this myself. I’m calling over to Lainey now. I need to be the mother here. We’re both adults, but she’s still my daughter.’

  Pulling on her wellies and a coat, Holly pulled the back door open and walked out. Pippa sat at the kitchen table unsure of what she should do. This really wasn’t any of her business. She could listen to both sides, but it wasn’t her problem to fix. She crossed her fingers and hoped that her mother and sister could find common ground.

  Her heart lurched when Lainey saw Holly tramping across the path to her kitchen door. For a fleeting moment she considered going upstairs and pretending to be out. But anger took over and she marched to the door, flung it open and confronted her.

  ‘What can I do for you?’ she asked nostrils flaring. ‘I thought I made myself clear.’

  ‘May I come in?’ Holly’s voice was calm and without accusation or conflict.

  Lainey considered telling her to bog off, but the look of sheer desolation in her mother’s eyes stopped her. She stood to the side silently and allowed her to walk past.

  ‘I can’t continue like this,’ Holly said. ‘I’m lost without you and Ely. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out.’

  Lainey sighed. She wasn’t enjoying the bust-up either. Much as her mother irritated her and made her feel small at times, she missed her.

  ‘I don’t like it either,’ Lainey eventually conceded.

  ‘You were right,’ Holly said. She looked up at Lainey. ‘You were right when you said I hated you for giving me postnatal depression. I don’t think I even realised it. I certainly never thought about it that way . . . But when you were little, all I could see when I looked at you was my own pain. You were like Mummy’s little shadow. You turned to her with your tears but most of all your smiles were all for her too.’

  ‘Mum, I . . .’

  ‘Wait, please. Let me say this and then it’s your turn. Is that fair?’

  Lainey nodded.

  ‘Instead of trying to build a relationship with you once I was better, I was cowardly and let you slip further away. When Joey came along I had medication to balance my chemicals and it was so much easier. I held onto him like he was my life raft. That pushed you further away again.’

  Lainey began to cry.

  ‘I’m sorry I’ve been a terrible mother to you, Lainey. All the good parts of you are from your father and Grandma. The grabbing, unhappy and discontented parts are from me. The most ironic part of all this is that you’re probably the most like me of all my children. When I look at you, I see myself.’

  ‘May I speak now?’

  She nodded.

  ‘I’ve been a nightmare. You said what needed saying. I am pushing Matt away. I’m taking my pain out on all of you. All you’ve done is try to help and I’ve been a cow. Thank you for saying that you blamed me. I understand that you never meant to. But the truth is very freeing. At least I know I wasn’t imagining it all.’

  ‘So where do we go from here?’ Holly asked.

  ‘We go onwards and upwards, Mum. I learned some really good things from you too, you know? I’m a good mother. I know I am. You showed me how to do that. Maybe it was more with Joey and Pip, but I learned from you all the same.’

  ‘I think I’m quite good at being a grandma – when I don’t lose him that is.’

  ‘That wasn’t your fault, Mum,’ Lainey sighed. ‘I know it wasn’t. I needed an excuse to punish you and it was a bloody brilliant one.’

  ‘I’ll say,’ Holly rolled her eyes.

  ‘Can we draw a line in the sand? It’s not too late to build a relationship. My childhood is in the past. But there’s so much of my life left, and all of Ely’s. Can we go from here – together?’

  ‘Darling, I could think of nothing I’d like more.’

  Holly held out her arms and Lainey went to her. They embraced and it felt wonderful.

  Pippa

  THE FOLLOWING MORNING PIPPA WAS UP AND dressed with plenty of time to spare. She couldn’t believe she was actually going to Jodi Ludlum’s house.

  Not wanting to arrive too early, she forced herself to wait until the agreed time. As she pulled up outside, Jodi’s cottage was not at all what she’d expected. In fact, she’d shot past it the first time, ending up at a dead-end and what appeared to be a wild meadow with a river running through it. She clunked the car into reverse and pulled up at this small, rather plain-looking gate lodge. Situated at the entrance to a long driveway it wasn’t unlike the gate lodge her parents had moved into, only this place was a lot older. Jodi had joked on the phone that it was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it property, but Pippa had assumed she was playing it down. As she turned the car engine off, a red Mini pulled up and Jodi jumped out waving furiously. She was leaning into the car holding the seat forward with her hand, so her son and his friend could climb out.

  Pippa got out and walked over to her smiling.

  ‘As you can see, my sense of direction is dreadful. I was practically in the river before I realised I’d missed you!’

  ‘I told you it was easy to pass,’ Jodi said. ‘You probably thought I was kidding and really lived in a mansion,’ she giggled. ‘We were down in the village getting milk. Come on in!’

  As they walked into the house Pippa chatted to Saul and his friend. She remembered her mother’s words and tried not to crane her neck or look around corners. The cottage was very pretty, but quite tiny. It looked as if a couple of smaller rooms had been knocked into one open-planned space with a kitchen, dining and living room all in one. There was a corridor with wooden doors and latched handles, which she guessed were the bedrooms. The two boys shot off into one of the rooms and the door was slammed shut.

  ‘Tea or coffee?’ Jodi asked.

  ‘Coffee, please,’ Pippa said, sitting at the kitchen table. Jodi pulled a cup from a mug tree and banged the milk carton on the table. Rooting in a cupboard she paused and pulled her fingers through her hair. ‘It looks like I’ve no sugar,’ she said. ‘Sorry, can you bear your coffee without it?’

  ‘I’ll gladly drink it black,’ Pippa said waving a hand.

  ‘I’m the least domesticated person you’ll ever meet,’ Jodi said. ‘I know how to pick clothes off a hotel floor and sit in a catering truck and have food handed to me on set. Outside of that, I’m utterly useless!’

  ‘How does your little boy manage?’ Pippa grinned.

  ‘Saul is probably a better cook than I am,’ she said, nodding toward the corridor where he’d gone with his friend. ‘Harry is improving all the time, but we tend to eat quite a lot of prepared meals, you know the high end ones from the supermarket?’

  Pippa put the menu folder Lainey had carefully prepared onto the table, wondering if her sister ought to have bothered putting so much time into the details.r />
  ‘Don’t look so crestfallen,’ Jodi laughed. ‘I love eating when it’s made for me and I definitely know what I like!’

  ‘Sure,’ Pippa smiled as she thought – note to self, don’t betray your emotions, especially to an actress.

  As she showed Lainey’s menu, with the goat’s cheese, beetroot and toasted hazelnut salad, followed by lobster bisque and a main course of roast goose with potato and apple stuffing, pickled red cabbage and roast potatoes, Jodi looked thrilled.

  ‘That sounds divine,’ she said. ‘So sumptuous yet nothing that will be unrecognisable or weird. My brother Tommy has to be one of the fussiest eaters I’ve ever come across. I reckon it’s because we ate such appalling food as kids. It was either deep fried from the local chipper or a sandwich.’

  Pippa accepted the coffee Jodi had made and took a sip. Not sure whether or not she should comment, she decided to remain silent and let Jodi do the talking.

  ‘I grew up in one of the most dodgy places in Dublin,’ Jodi explained. ‘Your version of estate and mine are two different worlds. Yours has trees and fields, mine had burnt-out cars and drug pushers.’

  ‘But you’re a million miles from all of that now,’ Pippa said. ‘You’re amazing. Everyone admires you.’

  ‘Ah thanks, doll,’ Jodi said.

  They chatted about the timings for the wedding. Pippa said she didn’t want to give too much away but that her family, particularly her mother, were putting everything into the décor and personal touches for the wedding.

  ‘My first wedding was insane,’ Jodi mused. ‘My agent organised the entire thing. I didn’t even choose my dress. It was sent to my hotel room by a courier. I literally took it out of the plastic, put it on and walked into the cathedral.’

  ‘Wow,’ Pippa said. ‘I know lots of people would think that’s wildly glam and so rock and roll, but I think I’d like to have a bit of fun trying stuff on . . .’

  ‘I didn’t really care,’ Jodi said. ‘I was like a puppet and my people decided what I did next.’

  ‘But you loved Darius, right?’

  ‘Darius is my best friend. He always will be. But we were both very young and naïve.’

  ‘And Harry?’ Pippa held her head to the side, wondering where he fit in. If Darius was still Jodi’s best friend, what was Harry?

  ‘Harry is different,’ she said hugging herself and sighing happily. ‘I found him all on my own. Nobody told me he was “suitable”. There was nothing to link us apart from the fact he taught Saul for a year. He’s real. He’s not connected to my career nor does he think of me as anything other than Saul’s mum, his girlfriend and of course a dreadful cook!’

  Pippa laughed. She’d always assumed the fame thing was a blessing. Sure, she understood that it must be a pain trying to buy the newspaper in Spar if people were staring and accidentally walking into displays in shock. But Pippa had always dreamt of being the person who went to a store after hours and pointed at the things she liked . . . Or going to salubrious restaurants whenever she wished . . .

  She’d settle for someone to do her ironing and change the bed linen once a week. But as Jodi chatted more and more openly, Pippa began to understand that being famous wasn’t all sunshine and roses.

  ‘At least I have the next few weeks off,’ Jodi said. ‘I can get ready for my wedding and enjoy our honeymoon in peace, before I have to start filming again. I’m having a hell of a time learning my next script. But it’ll all come together in the end. I hope . . .’

  ‘Where are you going on honeymoon?’

  ‘Well, Harry and Saul think we’re going to LA. Which we are, but not until we’ve spent a week in the Caribbean. A friend of a friend owns an island and I’ve hired the house there as a special surprise. If we go anywhere with other people in situ, it’ll be a nightmare. Whatever about Saul, who is well used to people swarming both me and his father, Harry is still getting accustomed to having all the eyes in the room on us everywhere we go.’

  ‘Are people generally nice to you?’

  ‘Oh yes, I can count on one hand the times I’ve had oddballs being obnoxious. In general the fans are simply trying to say hello and have a picture taken or a body part signed.’

  ‘Body part?’

  ‘I went through a spate of having bare bums exposed to me while an indelible marker was poked up.’

  ‘Was that after your famous beach scene?’

  ‘You got it! And I wouldn’t mind but that infamous tattoo they did the close-up on wasn’t even real! But as a result I had more butt cheeks shoved at me than you’d believe!’

  ‘Now that’s gross,’ Pippa giggled. She tasted her coffee and wasn’t quick enough to hide the gagging face she pulled.

  ‘I told you! I’m the world’s worst cook. I can’t even make coffee!’

  Jodi’s mobile rang and she looked suddenly anxious. Excusing herself she answered it.

  ‘Hello? I see. Well I can’t be there on Monday I’m afraid . . . I see . . .’ She looked at her watch and exhaled. ‘I might have to bring my son . . . OK, that’s kind of you . . . Yes . . . I understand.’

  She hung up and apologised profusely to Pippa, saying she had to take the call because it was the wedding dress shop. Her dress was being custom-made by a well-known eccentric couture designer.

  ‘It’s a gorgeous bodice with antique lace skirting and I have to get to them now for a fitting or they can’t guarantee it’ll be done in time for the wedding. I’m not around tomorrow, which is their cut-off point.’

  ‘I could mind Saul and his mate if you want to shoot off,’ Pippa offered. ‘I could even bring them around to Huntersbrook. Mum is there. She knows what to do with kids, so you’d be guaranteed he wouldn’t be poisoned or maimed?’

  ‘Would your mother mind?’ Jodi asked. ‘Because if she would, I’d love you to come with me to the fitting. Nobody has seen the dress bar Darius. But that was only the mock-up version made from cheap lining. I’d love another female opinion.’

  Pippa thought she was going to expire. Her hands shook as she dialled Holly’s mobile number.

  Needless to say, her mother was slightly astonished but very happy to oblige. She explained that she was up at the kitchen in Huntersbrook baking and she’d be thrilled to have the boys’ company. So they put the children in the car and Pippa folded herself into the passenger seat of Jodi’s Mini. Trying not to yelp with the thrill of it all, Pippa made idle conversation until they arrived at the door of Huntersbrook. Holly came out to the door.

  ‘Hello boys,’ Holly said. ‘Maybe you two would like to help? I’m making special decorations as well as mince pies.’

  ‘I love baking,’ said Saul. ‘Do we get to taste any of the pies?’

  ‘Of course,’ Holly laughed.

  ‘Thanks dude,’ Jodi said to Saul. ‘I promise I won’t be long. But I know you’d be so bored at the dress shop.’

  ‘That sounds totally girly, doesn’t it?’ Holly said wrinkling her nose. The boys laughed.

  ‘Thank you so much,’ Jodi said sincerely. ‘You’re being amazing. I don’t think I’ll want to leave after the wedding. If you decide you’d like rent-an-extended-family, we’ll gladly apply!’

  Holly laughed and reiterated she was delighted to help any time.

  ‘Oh by the way,’ Jodi said as she and Pippa walked back to the Mini. ‘I love the menu, Holly. I give the green light for every part. It sounds divine. As Pippa will tell you, I can’t even boil water. So I know it’s going to be perfect.’

  Holly looked exhausted but a lot happier as Pippa waved as she sat back into the car. As they zoomed down the drive and out towards Dublin, Pippa couldn’t help asking a few questions.

  ‘Did you always know you were going to be a household name?’

  ‘No!’ Jodi laughed. ‘I’m still waiting for a great hand to come from the sky as I’m tapped on the shoulder and told I’m living someone else’s life.’

  ‘That’ll never happen,’ Pippa said. ‘You’re far too beau
tiful and talented. You were born to shine, Jodi. The entire world can see that.’

  ‘Aw thanks for saying that, Pippa, but believe me it took me until very recent times to have any real belief or pride in who I am. I knew a long time ago that I’d gained respect as an actress, but there were a lot of things going on in my head that needed addressing.’

  ‘It’s crazy,’ Pippa mused. ‘But I assumed your life is perfect. That money, fame and a cool job meant you didn’t have the usual hang-ups us ordinary people are plagued with.’

  ‘Uh, if only,’ Jodi grinned.

  They drove on in silence for a moment as both women tried to digest the fact that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

  ‘I’ve never done this,’ Jodi said sounding suddenly shy. ‘I’ve never gone somewhere with a friend. The only other women I know are parents of Saul’s friends. But we’re kind of thrown together because of the kids.’

  ‘It must be hard to trust people,’ Pippa mused. ‘’Cause everybody wants a piece of you, right?’

  Jodi nodded. ‘As I said, there’s usually an angle.’

  ‘I hope you feel comfortable with me. You know I have an angle! I want you to come and support Huntersbrook. So that’s all out in the open!’

  Jodi drove on and glanced across at Pippa.

  ‘I felt a connection with you the second we met. You were slightly different though. Obviously I didn’t know you. But you were noticeably edgy.’

  ‘That may have had something to do with the fact I was meeting Jodi Ludlum,’ she said.

  Jodi grinned and drove on.

  ‘That’s a lie actually,’ Pippa rubbed her face. ‘Can you keep a secret?’

  ‘I’m the queen of secrets, believe me, Pippa. I don’t tell anybody anything. Most things I say are splashed across the covers of magazines. That probably sounds totally rock’n’roll to you, but it can be wearing. My world is a stage 24/7.’

  Pippa proceeded to tell Jodi about Missy and the pressure she’d been under to take coke and keep her happy.

  ‘That’s horrible,’ she sympathised. ‘Now I understand why you said that thing about being in a bad place. To be honest, I know how it feels. I had a boyfriend years ago, Mac, and he used me too. It was more my money he abused. He did try his best to get me into the drug scene, but he was fighting a losing battle with that. My childhood was destroyed by drink and drugs, so neither ever held any appeal for me. Not even Mac could convince me of anything different.’